Vetchways, year nine, day 257 (Monday, May 15)

Early morning

	One of these days, when Lavender Trumps me while I'm having sex, I
swear I'm just going to answer it stark naked.  Except, that will be the
one time that it's someone else.  It's not that she calls for no good
reason (well, there was that time with Bart, and Martin's chip...), but
why does she always need to talk to me at such inopportune times?  At this
rate, Riftvan will probably make our bedroom Trump-proof.  Which would
only be of use on the occasions when we actually *use* the bedroom, of
course.  I'm getting rather fond of that forest...

	Anyway, the problem this time was caused by Shard.  Which is
ironic, in and of itself, since his timing has tended to be second only to
Lavender's.  I still haven't forgotten that one time when he Trumped me
while he was drunk, asking directions to the castle.  I'm sure he'd like
to, though.  I wonder what happened to Battlestar?  I hope Shard didn't
kill him.  He wouldn't normally, but ever since he became a vampire, his
actions haven't always been under his control.  Like when he drained part
of my soul.  And this time, when Belle called him, and Beauty got in the
way.  The bruises were all superficial, of course, and Lavender seemed far
more concerned about it than Beauty.  The fact that Beauty wasn't injured
more severely says a great deal for how much Shard cares for her.  But the
fact that she was injured at all says much about the strength of the pull
that Belle has on him.  He had claimed that Beauty's presence, along with
the piece of my soul that he now possesses, was enough to allow him to
resist her.  Obviously he underestimated the strength of that pull.  If
Beauty had not been there, he would probably be back with Belle right now,
doing her bidding.  That's a little too close for my comfort.

	Of course, if I had not tried so damn hard to save him when the
Pattern returned, he would have burned up and no longer be troubling us. 
There are many, I am sure, who feel I should have just let him die, given
the potential trouble he can cause.  These are the same people, no doubt,
who think I should have killed Riftvan when I learned who he was.  And,
from a purely logical standpoint, they are right in both cases.  But logic
doesn't take into account any human feeling or emotion.  I cannot be so
cold-blooded about it, not while I still think there is hope to save
Shard, any more than I could have killed Riftvan while I still thought
that our love might have been real.  Yes, there have been occasions that I
have regretted that decision, times when I have thought that perhaps I
would have been better off if I had ignored my heart, and done what logic
dictated.  Maybe I would still be an Amberite, not trapped here in Chaos
among people I do not understand very well at all, and like even less. 
But the future is a tricky thing.  For all I know, Oberon might have
married me to a Chaos Lord anyway, upon his return, and even if he didn't,
once Mother was married, I would have become a Borge.  Ugh.  That's worse
than being a Vetch.  So, I would probably be facing all the problems that
I am now, but without at least the love of my husband to sustain me.  I
guess that's my point.  It's easy to guess that things would be safer if I
had allowed the Pattern to destroy Shard.  But if Shard had died in front
of Beauty, in such a horrible manner, who knows what it would have done to
her?  Or what the effects would have been for the rest of us?  Maybe
Beauty would have found another vampire to make her request to, one who
wouldn't have turned her down.  In the end, it's pointless to speculate. 
I could no more stand by and watch Shard die, than I could have Arthur, or
anyone else I call friend.

Amber

Morning

	Lavender is still troubled by the events of last night, judging by
the way she was going after Ahab.  I know the feeling well.  There are
times when all the reason in the world will not change the fact that you
want to hit something, or someone, as hard as you can, until you have no
strength left.  I felt that way when I learned of Jalana's betrothal.  As
did I, Lavender seemed to feel better when she was done, and we all
brainstormed for a while.  Unfortunately, if there is an easy solution to
this, we have yet to find it.  There does not seem to be a way to free
Shard from Belle's influence, save for killing her.  And killing a
powerful vampire in Shadow full of vampires remains a difficult task.  Not
an impossible one, but one we aren't in any condition to undertake right
now.  I think we are all rather wearied from the war, too weary to operate
at our best.  And operating at less than that level could get us all
killed in this.  Or worse.

	Since Lavender had missed both Nicholas' lesson and mine, I
offered him the opportunity to receive instruction from me instead.  In
the course of the lesson, I was struck once again by the sheer
concentration that he possesses.  He reminds me of Benedict, in a way. 
The boy is old beyond his years.  I wish he could learn to relax a bit. 
Then again, given Ahab's future position, perhaps it is best that he does
not.

Borgeways

Afternoon

	So, Mother is married again.  I pray that this marriage works out
better for her than the one with my father did.  Judging by Fenar's
reaction to what Riftvan had to say, he should at least try his damnedest
not to hurt her.  I still can't get over how much people seem to fear
Riftvan.  Even Fiona seems to respect him, and I've rarely seen her
respect anyone or anything, other than power.  I suppose that's why she
respects him, in the end.  I don't think I realized until recently just
how much power he has.  Power to do many things, but not the one thing I
truly want - an end to Jalana's betrothal.  Well, at least he was able to
set Fenar straight.  Somehow, I know the man would have just sneered at
any threat I might have made.  Well, he had damn well better not call me
Mercedes, if he expects to keep his head.  I will tolerate that from
Mother, but certainly not from him.

	Grandfather had a "chat" with Mother after the ceremony - the same
sort of chat that I noticed he had with Flora.  Making sure they'll be
good, obedient wives, no doubt.  It seems to me that such a chat might
have been better directed at Mother's husband.  But then, Oberon doesn't
seem to care much about women's opinions or their well-being.  I am so
thankful that Dworkin turned out to be lying.  Mother is not exactly what
I had been envisioning in my birth parent, but she is far better than
having Oberon for a father.

Vetchways

Evening

	It has taken me many hours, and several sets of bracelets, but I
finally have what I wanted.  To all intents and purposes, they look like
nothing more than innocent decoration.  I shall have to spend some time
getting used to working with them, and they will never be my favorite
weapons, but they are among the better concealed weapons that I have come
up with to date, and certainly the most easily accessible.  And they gave
me an excuse to practice my conjuration, something I can always use.

	Riftvan's gift proved far easier to finish, once I finally got the
hang of the imprinting.  It's a subtle balance one has to maintain.  Too
strong, and the imprint becomes too overwhelming to sense all but the base
emotion.  Too weak, and the imprint fails completely.  But I am satisfied
with the final result.  I can hardly wait to give it to him.

Amber, year nine, day 258 (Tuesday, May 16)

Morning

	It is a shame that Tamaryn could not come with me today.  I think
that it will be easier for her to learn how my healing magic works if she
is in psychic contact with me while I'm actually using it.  Well, there
will be another time.  I'm happy that she has found other things to occupy
herself with in Amber.  I do find myself curious as to what she's doing,
though.

Vetchways

Evening

	I had wished to spar with Usires because, of all my cousins, I
knew he was closest to me in skill.  I was wrong.  Despite all of my
training with Lavender, and my guards, and the teachers that Benedict
recommended, he has managed to surpass me.  I cannot put into words how
badly this has shaken me.  Riftvan says that Usires does not have four
small children to look after, but I cannot accept that as an excuse. 
Usires seems to spend much of his time drinking with Martin, and that
didn't slow him down.  It's not the fact that he is better than I that
bothers me.  Most of my aunts and uncles fall into that category, after
all.  It's the fact that I used to be the better fighter.  How could I be
so careless as to allow this to happen?  If I cannot maintain my skills
now, what will happen when this pregnancy forces me to curtail my efforts
entirely?  If I cannot adequately defend my family, what good am I to
them?

Amber, year nine, day 259 (Wednesday, May 17)

Morning

	Why didn't Lavender tell me that Shard was missing sooner?  I may
have come out on the short end of the trade when I lost that piece of my
soul to him, but I do share a bond with him now, and I can track him
through it.  I suppose the same is true for him.  It gives me no comfort,
though, to know that he was back in the Shadow of the vampires, and that
he won't answer me.  What if Belle succeeded in summoning him this time,
and has ordered him to lead more of their kind into Shadow?  We will know
soon enough.  He is heading for Foil, so we are gathering there.  I don't
know if Riftvan will make it in time, but Ahab and Fiona are coming. 
Ahab's power over those with Pattern should still affect Shard, and if he
and our best Pattern expert can't help, then I don't know who can.

Foil

Evening

	It's a good thing that he returned with Belle's head.  It
certainly saves us the difficult task of killing her, and I doubt Lavender
would have allowed him back with anything less.  I wonder if she will
allow him to continue his relationship with Beauty?  I wish the girl luck
if she does.  It's difficult to conceive of how you could have anything
approaching a normal relationship with a vampire.  At least he does not
have to sleep all of the daylight hours any longer, but they will never be
able to do things like walk in the sun together, and they won't be able to
have children.  Not an easy thing to bear.

Amber

Afternoon

	Usires and I will be sparring regularly from now on.  I need
someone to push myself against, and there is no better candidate. 
Besides, I will not rest until I can outfight him again, and what better
way to measure this than by sparring with him?

Vetchways

Evening

	I had no idea that the ring could do so much.  A rather useful
tool for an assassin, I'm sure.  I begin to see why Tamaryn was so
surprised that I possessed one.  Such rings are much too valuable to be
casually given out.  But, more important than the information itself, is
the fact that Riftvan told it to me.  I know he had promised to be more
open with me, but this is the first time that promise was put to the test. 
Judging by the look on his face, sharing that much information was
certainly a new experience.  I'm so proud of him.  It can't have been an
easy thing for him to do.

Vetchways, year nine, day 260 (Thursday, May 18)

Morning

	I have finally determined what that demon was trying to use me
for, all those years ago.  The sacrifice was part of some sort of
containment spell.  But what was it trying to contain within my body, and
why?  I may never know.  I am glad I did not know then what that
creature's intentions were.  I had assumed it was going to kill me, but
this is far, far worse.  I feel very cold, suddenly.

Amber

Afternoon

	I had rather been looking forward to Bleys' wedding.  He, if
anyone, knows how to have a proper reception.  But then Lyss collapsed,
and now Ahab has vanished.  Lyss seems to simply be unconscious, but I am
uncertain as to what brought her to that state.  Could it have been an
attack of some kind?  Is that why Ahab left?  I wish I had Alastor at my
side right now.  I am not unarmed, by any means, but I have never gotten
over the comforting presence of a sword at my side, and whatever is going
on here, I fear that it is nothing good.