Vetchways, year nine, day 254 (Friday, May 12)

Morning

	I can't believe he collects those dreadful things.  Why?  For
their artistic value?  He couldn't seem to explain it.  I suppose I can
live with them in most of the rooms, but I just can't sleep with those
things in my bedroom.  And I won't allow the nursery to remain the way it
is.  What sort of lessons does he think they will learn from it?  To live
in fear?  They're only five!  They shouldn't have to lose their innocence
so soon.  Of course I don't want them to die, but I don't wish them to be
old before their time, either.  Why can't they be children for just a
little while longer?

Amber

	It felt good to spar with Lavender again.  It was a good
opportunity to work out some of my frustration, at least.  And an excuse
to return to Amber, if only for a little while.  I wasn't able to go to
the Pattern room itself, but just being in Amber itself is apparently
enough to strengthen the presence I sensed with Ana.  This would seem to
confirm that it is tied to the Pattern.  Maybe Fiona knows what it is
doing to the baby.  If anyone does, it will be her.

Vetchways

Afternoon

	Riftvan agrees that I may be able to learn sorcery, despite my
inability to learn Faerie magic, so he's going to arrange for Fiona's new
husband, Suhuy, to teach me.  I rather like the idea, but I was a bit
surprised, since I thought he'd teach me himself.  I wonder why he doesn't
wish to?  Lack of time?  A reluctance to let me know anything of his
capabilities in that area?  Or a reluctance to learn mine?  Already this
place makes me paranoid.

	As I expected, only Jalana showed any interest in listening to the
baby.  I didn't really need to ask the boys, since I knew what their
answer would be, but I felt I had to ask, just the same.  It is dangerous
to begin making such assumptions, for one day I might be mistaken, and
offering an opportunity to only some of the children could foster jealousy
among the rest.  I do not ever wish to deprive them of something simply
because I didn't think they'd be interested.  As it is, Morgan asked the
question I was expecting them to ask back when I first told them of their
future sibling.  He seemed satisfied with the answer I gave, and most
relieved that men cannot bear children.  There have certainly been times
when I wished women were not the ones who must do so, usually when I was
throwing up, or towards the end of my last pregnancy, when I was confined
to bed for so long.  But, there are times when I must admit I rather enjoy
it.  There is nothing that compares to feeling a child grow inside you,
and I would not give that up.  Labor, on the other hand, I would gladly
leave to someone else to experience.  Well, for everything there is a
price.

Amber

	Bill doesn't think anything should stop the adoption this time,
which is what I'd been hoping to hear.  I've raised Shannon and Vincent
since the day they were born, and they are just as much mine as if I'd
given birth to them, but I've always been afraid that someone would try to
take them away from me, despite all that.  Maybe now I can put that fear
to rest.  Maybe.

	Random doesn't seem too concerned about Martin's current
depression.  I wish I knew what was going on.  Even Usires can't seem to
get through to him.  Of course, Usires doesn't know the source of the
problem, either, and it's awfully hard to help someone, when you don't
even know what you're trying to help them with.  I hope Random at least
tries to speak with him.

Vetchways

Evening

	I feel such despair now.  The thought of Jalana being forced to
marry against her wishes was bad enough, but what Tamaryn pointed out is
far, far worse.  They are lost to me.  It is only a matter of time.  If
they are raised in Chaos, it is inevitable that they will become like
everyone else who lives here, despite anything I might do.  How can I
possibly win out against the weight of an entire culture?  I cannot. 
Tamaryn thinks I will have to accept that culture as well, but she doesn't
understand.  So much of that culture is diametrically opposed to what I
believe, to who I am, that if I embrace it, I will destroy myself in the
process.  I don't know who will be left, but it will not be me.  Killing
myself would be less painful, and have the same result.  How can I go on,
knowing that piece by piece I will lose myself here, that I will see my
children become the very thing that I despise?  I am trapped.  I cannot
leave, and I cannot stay.  Either choice destroys me.  I almost hope I do
die, or that the Dexterian King chooses to take my life.  It would be
preferable to continuing on like this, when there is no hope.

Vetchways, year nine, day 255 (Saturday, May 13)

Morning

	They don't give wedding gifts in Chaos.  Why am I not surprised? 
Apparently, a wedding here is the same sort of formality as signing a
business agreement, and done with about as much warmth.  Well, I still
intend to find gifts for my relatives, at least.  Mother will be rather
hurt, I think, if no one gets her anything.  And I could use an excuse to
get far away from this place.  If I could only find the proper exit.  I
wonder what would happen if I started shifting Shadow while still inside
the Ways?  Another time, perhaps, when I have more time to spare.  For
today, I'll just fall back on more familiar methods.  In Amber, at least,
I should have no trouble finding my way around.  And maybe I'll be able to
find Ahab this time.  I would like to assure myself that Ariadne has been
freed.

Somewhere in Shadow

Afternoon

	I found everything I was looking for, even the stone for Riftvan's
gift.  This has been more fun than I'd anticipated.  It's been years since
I've shifted Shadow, and it felt good to do so again, especially since it
wasn't long ago that I'd wondered if I'd ever do so again.  I never really
did get to spend much time out here exploring.  Perhaps it's time I did. 
I've been telling myself that I'd get to it when the children were grown,
but that was before this new child came along.  Now it seems that if I
insist on waiting until all of my children are grown, I may never get
around to it.  There isn't really any reason I couldn't start now. 
Riftvan claims the Ways are safe, the children are old enough not to
require my constant presence, and it will be several months before the
child restricts my ability to travel.  All of this assumes that I survive
the next month, but if I do, well, I have been wanting to find out more
about my father for years...

Amber

Evening

	I suppose I should have told Riftvan that I'd be eating here
tonight, but I hadn't been planning on it.  My return just happened to
coincide with dinner, and I still need to speak with Ahab, so my best
chance is to catch him after the meal.  Besides, I'm sure Riftvan knows
every move I make, anyway.  And, I must admit, I was curious to see how
things have changed here since Oberon returned.  Dinner certainly seems to
be much more formal, and the amount of politicking that goes on is
incredible.  I rather preferred it when dinner conversation was a bit less
intricate.  Felix seemed to feel the same, but Ahab was right in there
with them.  It's rather sad, seeing as how he used to be proud of the fact
that he was above the family game.  If he couldn't hold out, what chance
do I have?  I'm still far from the model Chaosite, though, judging by the
reactions of some to my presence.  They seem appalled that I'm here alone. 
As if women are so witless that we can't go anywhere without a man along. 
Well, damn it, I refuse to be that way.  If I was good enough to fight for
Amber on numerous occasions, then I'm certainly capable of attending
dinner unescorted!

Vetchways, year nine, day 256 (Sunday, May 14)

Early morning

	I enjoyed working with Ahab again, even if I did little more than
provide the initial information about Ariadne, and then standby as backup. 
It made me feel useful, if only for a little while.  It was good to just
talk to him, and find out how he's been.  I guess I've been missing a lot
of what's been going on in Amber.  Oberon has apparently told Ahab that if
Corwin refuses to be named his successor, he will choose Ahab.  No wonder
he was acting that way at dinner.  I'm happy for him.  It's what I think
he's always wanted, after all.  It's nice to see someone get what they
want, in the end.  I feel badly about what Oberon is doing to Deirdre,
though.  Not only is he forcing her to marry a Hendrake, but now she must
claim that her son was not really her son after all.  How does she endure
it?

The Palace

Afternoon

	At least Riftvan didn't argue with me about the children.  I know
the boys would have hated the ceremony.  Perhaps Jalana would have enjoyed
it, but I couldn't bring her, not when I knew Caine would be here.  I do
not wish to endure another encounter like the one at the ball.

	It would seem that Heather is expecting another child, as is
Kimdyl.  Kimdyl does not look like she's having any easier a time of it
than I did.  I must admit to feeling a tiny amount of satisfaction at
that, seeing as how she had so much fun making me throw up in Lazarus.  I
do not envy what she has ahead of her.  I should probably be grateful for
those two weeks I spent unconscious in Kalevala.  If I'd been throwing up
for the entire month, there probably wouldn't be much left of me at this
point.  Thank the gods that the nausea seems to have faded at last.  I
don't think I could have taken much more of that, on top of everything
else that's happened.  Poor Kimdyl.  I wonder if my spell will be able to
help her, once it's completed?  Even if it can, I'm not sure she'll accept
assistance from me.  We'll see.  Eral knows, there have been times during
the past month when I would have accepted help from anyone.

	Suhuy is easily one of the most charming men I've ever met.  I
suppose if you had to be forced to marry someone, you could do far worse. 
Aunt Fiona seems to be of that mind as well, or at least that's the
impression she's projecting.  I think I will like having him as an
instructor.

	Vialle would appear to be correct in her opinion of Caine's
loyalty to Amber, but that does not provide me with much comfort.  Am I
supposed to tell Jalana, "Well, it's a shame that you don't love him, but
at least he'll always have Amber's best interests at heart?"  Damn Oberon. 
There are four other houses with whom he's arranged no marriages at all. 
Admittedly, one of them is Gadlan, but still...  There must have been
someone in one of the others to whom he could have married Caine.  And how
could Oberon have paired Mother off with Fenar?  After everything she's
been through in her life, how could he have chosen someone as poorly
suited to her that man?  She was so happy to be getting married before,
but that happiness seems to have vanished.  And Tamaryn wonders why I
despise arranged marriages.  I am afraid that this marriage may undo what
little progress Mother has made, and leave her worse than before.  It is
far too late for there to be any chance of convincing Oberon to marry her
to someone else, but there must be something I can do.  If nothing else,
this Fenar will be made to understand that mistreating my mother would be
a very bad thing for him to do, indeed, and there will be consequences if
he does.