Amber, year nine, day 252 continued

	I shouldn't be surprised that Vialle couldn't understand.  Hers
was an arranged marriage, after all.  But I had been hoping that talking
with her would help, somehow.  Talking to her has always been so
comforting in the past.  But not today.  If anything, I feel worse than
before I spoke with her.  I think Random understood, though.  I wonder
what message he read in that scroll?  It must have been from Oberon, if
his reaction was any indication.  You would think that, after forcing
Random to give up his position, Oberon would give him some peace for a
while.  I guess not.  Still, Random is luckier than most.  He is already
married, and has no children to be taken away from him.  Whatever Oberon
has asked of him, it can't be worse than that.

	Lavender's logic remains as difficult to penetrate as always.  She
is obviously upset about Beauty's interest in Shard, but she refuses to
talk to the girl about it.  From the look on Foster's face, I don't think
he understood her reasoning, either.  Lavender asked me to Trump her later
this afternoon, so she can arrange for me to go to Foil.  This would be so
much easier if I had Shard's Trump.  But, in the end, this is probably
safer.  I'm not sure it would be wise to contact him psychically right
now, when I'm not sure what affect my magic has had on him.

	Bart seems to be having a rough time of it at the moment.  I
assume it's due to his intent to intervene on Arthur's behalf, but I don't
understand quite why it's affecting him now.  Did he not think through
what the consequences would be until now?  I frequently fail to understand
him.  Ironically, we seemed to get along much better when he was female. 
No matter.  My thanks for his assistance can wait until he is coherent
enough to understand it.

	I was rather surprised to find Tamaryn with Felix.  I got the
impression that he still felt uncomfortable around her.  I'm glad that he
seems to have gotten over it, even if I would rather have spoken to
Tamaryn alone.  But, with the war over, there's no real reason to hide my
pregnancy any longer, so it didn't really matter that he was there when I
spoke to her.  Tamaryn had no objections to my using Bryan as the baby's
name, if it's a boy.  I didn't think she would, but I had to be sure. 
Felix showed less reaction to the news of my condition than Random did.  I
think that he's suspected it subconsciously for a while.  It would be hard
not to, given all of the throwing up that I've been doing.

	I wish Mother would stop calling me Mercedes.  I don't want to hut
her feelings, but it's not my name.  It may be what she named me at birth,
but she gave up the right to call me that when she abandoned me in Shadow. 
If the name meant so much to her, she should have written it on a note, or
something.  How can she expect me to respond to it now?  Why does she love
car names so much, anyway?  She actually suggested that I name this child
Porsche, if it's a girl.  What a dreadful name!  She invited me to her
wedding, of course.  I'm almost tempted not to go, but I know how much
that would hurt her.  If only she didn't insist on calling me that name! 
As for the other weddings, I only received invitations from Bleys and
Flora.  I shouldn't be surprised, I suppose.  I did not grow up here, like
Ahab and Felix, my mother has few friends, if any, among her siblings, and
what ones don't dislike me for being her daughter probably dislike me for
marrying Riftvan, a man none of them are very fond of.  Well, I barely
know most of them, anyway, and besides, I have too many other things to do
to have time to waste on attending weddings.  Especially forced ones.

Foil

Evening

	I am both encouraged and disturbed by my conversation with Shard. 
My magic seems to have lessened his blood requirement, returned a little
of his appetite, and enabled him to stay awake during the day.  But I
continue to find new effects on me, and none of them are comforting.  I
actually felt a thrill go through me when the sun sank beneath the
horizon.  This is not right.  Why should the sun's departure affect me,
unless I am becoming a vampire?  But this is not possible.  I have given
him blood, yes, but the blood was not my own.  Nor have I taken any of
his.  In order to become a vampire, he must take most of my blood, and I
must drink his.  That's how he became one.  So I couldn't possibly be
becoming one.  And yet, if I am not, why do I feel the way I do?  When I
focus on the place where my magic used to be, I feel his heart beating
there.  There is obviously some sort of connection between us, for he
noticed when I did this.  I am afraid to meet his gaze for long, and he
seems to watch me far more steadily than he did before.  I fear what other
changes my magic may have wrought.

Amber

Afternoon

	I must admit, Lavender has found a very clever gift for her
mother.  It's nothing Fiona can't do with a little conjuration, but the
idea of a never empty box of chocolates is simply marvelous, nonetheless. 
I shall have to get to work on my own wedding presents soon.  I was
thinking of getting a dress for Mother, since she does go on about how she
likes to wear pretty ones.  Perhaps a rare bottle of wine for Uncle Bleys,
and some jewelry for Aunt Flora.  I don't know what to get their new
spouses, though.  I know nothing about them.  Maybe Riftvan will have some
ideas.  I wonder if he was invited to any of the weddings?  Hmm, that
reminds me, I'd best begin working on my anniversary present to him.  It's
not much more than a month away.  For me, at any rate.  Eral knows how
long it's been for Riftvan.

	I don't know why Foster seemed surprised at my display of
conjuration.  Surely he saw me conjuring money in Discworld?  Perhaps not. 
I wonder why he wanted to know who taught me?  It can't be that he's
looking for an instructor, since it's well known that Driscoll is quite
good at conjuring.  Why would it matter who taught me?  I'm surprised he
didn't just assume that I learned it from Riftvan.

	This is going to be more time consuming than I had thought.  My
quarters in the castle have been cleared of all but a few items, just in
case I ever need to spend the night there again.  Assuming Oberon doesn't
have them assigned to someone else.  There wasn't much there, of course. 
We had scarcely lived there a month, myself less than that, and Riftvan
took most of what little there was with him when he left.  The house in
town is proving somewhat more time consuming.  It's hard to pack
everything away like this.  I keep remembering all of the times we had
here - sitting in the garden and sensing the children as they grew inside
me, listening to them run laughing down the stairs, making love to Riftvan
by the fire...  I will miss this place.

Vetchways

Evening

	I am so very frightened.  It was not a piece of my magic that I
lost to Shard, but a piece of my soul.  My soul!  How can one live with
part of one's soul missing?  One can't.  At least not usually.  Jasmine
said this has only happened once before, and the victim died within a
month.  There is no way of knowing if I will prove any different.  It is a
terrible feeling to realize that I may die before the month is out.  There
are so many things I need to do, and not nearly enough time to do them.  A
month is no time at all.  This child inside me will barely be showing by
then.  Thank the gods that she is safe.  But if I die, she is doomed as
well.  There must be a way to save her.  Riftvan must know of a way.  My
life may be over, but hers hasn't even begun yet.  She deserves a chance
to live.  And how can I leave the children now, or Riftvan?  Especially
when I finally seem to be getting through to him.  When I spoke with him
about mortality, I felt, for the first time, that there was nothing he was
hiding from me.  Was it because he's also afraid that I'm going to die? 
And I still have not spoken with the Dexterian King.  Nor healed Meander's
blindness.  Nor found a way to end Jalana's betrothal to Caine.  So many
things that will be left undone when I die.  If I die.  I wish I knew
where Riftvan went.  What could have required his attention right now, and
for so long?

	I've warned Lavender.  There isn't much else I can do.  I don't
think Shard meant to hurt me, and I know he would never intentionally hurt
Beauty, but, as Riftvan pointed out, the mortal are much more at risk
around vampires, and Shard still doesn't know all that he can do. 
Mortals.  I still can't get used to the idea of being, not essentially,
but actually immortal.  I've always had trouble grasping that we live as
long as we do at all, but I always assumed that some aging took place.  It
had to.  Oberon looks noticeably older than his children, and Riftvan has
definitely aged since that portrait of him was drawn.  What else would
cause that but time?  Admittedly, it's very slow aging.  To be honest,
it's always impressed me that Riftvan can be over 3,000 years old, and the
only outward sign is the gray in his hair.  And the look I sometimes see
in his eyes.  So, if we age, we must eventually die, correct?  Not
according to Riftvan.  What causes us to age, then?  Outside forces, like
the Chaos cancer that Riftvan endured, certainly, but there must be other
causes.  Riftvan was only gone for a year, but he aged enough for me to
notice a change.  Admittedly, no one else can probably tell, but still,
something aged him.  If it wasn't just the passing of time, then what was
it?  What caused Oberon to age as he did?  There is so much whirling in my
mind right now, that I cannot sleep.  Those awful faces staring back at me
in the darkness don't help matters much, either.  Well, that, at least, I
can deal with.  If only all of my problems could be resolved so easily.

Vetchways, year nine, day 253 (Thursday, May 11)

Morning

	I wasn't expecting to see the smiley faces.  Riftvan must have
done that when he returned this morning.  He continues to surprise me.  It
is just a simple thing, but I must admit the day brightened a little when
I saw it.  I'm glad he is back.  I just wish I knew his answer.  I don't
want to die with things still unresolved between us.

Amber

Afternoon

	I have almost finished closing down the beach house.  There's a
part of me that wants to delay, of course, for once I am done, there is no
more fooling myself.  I will no longer be living in Amber.  Perhaps I will
never live here again.  Vetchways must be my home now.  It will be a
little easier now that most of my things are there.  Once the pictures of
Riftvan and the children are all hung, it at least will seem somewhat like
home.  I wish we had a picture from our wedding.  I saw the picture of
Riftvan with Loryn, and it occurred to me that we've never had a picture
done of us together.  All of the pictures I have of the family were done
by my own hand, and self-portrait is never something I've excelled at.

Vetchways

Evening

	Riftvan looks so handsome tonight.  I almost want to forgo the
ball altogether, and just spend the night alone with him.  I miss making
love to him.  I must have his answer before I can give in, but knowing
this doesn't make it any easier, and the memories from healing Shard
aren't helping any.  I never thought I would feel this way about something
that gave me such pleasure, but I wish I could just forget it ever
happened.  Because thinking about it just makes me miss Riftvan even 
more.  And I don't know how much time we have left.

Amber

	I will not bring the children to Amber again, not unless I am
certain Caine will not be present.  It was all I could do to be civil to
him.  I know the betrothal was not his choice, but he cannot seem to help
gloating about it, and whenever I look at him, I picture him and Jalana
together, and it makes my stomach twist.  Riftvan certainly didn't help
matters.  I told him before that I would not kill Caine.  Has he so little
trust in me?  I wish we could leave now, but the children will know that
something is amiss if we leave before we have finished dinner.  But not
one moment longer will I remain here after that.

	Damn, the man can be convincing when he wants to be.  The children
are safely back at the Ways, but Riftvan wanted to dance, and it has been
so long since I've danced with him, that I could hardly say no.  I love
dancing with him.  Especially the tango.  It reminds me of our wedding.  I
don't know whether to bless or curse Ahab for arranging that.  I wish
Caine had never approached us this evening.  I was almost enjoying myself,
until then.

	I am concerned about Lavender.  Her mood tonight is so unlike her. 
An effect of her worrying about Beauty and Shard, I suppose.  Or perhaps a
result of having settled things with Chameleon, but not necessarily to her
liking.  I'm sure that, given the option, she would rather have his head
than his apology, but it seems that life rarely gives us what we want. 
Martin, too, seems to be troubled, but I do not know him nearly well
enough to fathom the cause, nor does Usires, who has been one of Martin's
closer friends, of late.  Perhaps I should bring the matter to Random's
attention.  He is Martin's father, after all.

Vetchways

Night

	I wasn't expecting him to answer me that way.  It is more than I
had dared to hope...  We love each other so much.  I just wish we had more
time together.  I may not even live to see our second anniversary.  And I
want to, more than anything.  I know it won't last, but I feel so at peace
right now, more than I have for a very long time.  So in love.  I want
nothing more than to stay here with him forever, just the two of us. 
Well, the three of us, I suppose.  I can sense her now.  And something
else as well.  It almost feels like Pattern.  Could it be a side effect of
the Pattern's return?  Whatever it is, it doesn't seem to be hurting her,
but it still troubles me a bit.

	Riftvan does not think I'm going to die, nor does he think I will
become a vampire, provided I do not give Shard any more blood.  He's
convinced that the effects I feel now will fade in time.  I know he does
not want me to worry, and I wish I could believe him, but...  The piece of
my soul is still gone, and so long as that hole remains, I fear Shard and
I will be bound to each other.  I wish it could be otherwise.