Discworld, year nine, day 251

Morning

	I cannot believe I slept clear through to the morning.  I must
have been far more exhausted then I thought.  I would doubtless still be
sleeping, had my stomach not chosen to awaken me.  I should have asked
Bart to send me to Riftvan.  At least then, my rest would not have taken
much time here at all, and I could have seen the children.

	Fiona knows that I am pregnant, if the crackers she conjured me
are any indication.  Did Lavender tell her?  How else would she know? 
This is the first time I have been in her presence for any substantial
amount of time since this child was conceived, and looking a bit green in
the morning is hardly enough for her to determine the truth.  Not that it
matters, any longer.  Now that the war is over, there is no reason for me
to keep it a secret.  I am disturbed by the amount that Fiona was
drinking, though.  She was drinking when I fell asleep yesterday
afternoon, and she was still drinking at breakfast this morning.  It is
unlike her to indulge in such a manner.  What has happened with Oberon's
return to frazzle her so?

Afternoon

	Well, that was simply lovely.  I don't know why I bothered eating
breakfast, I should have known it would simply come up again.  Fiona is in
a hurry to get us to Cedric, and I have no wish to tarry here myself, but
at this rate, I'm not going to be in any condition to fight once we do
arrive.

Evening

	I should have just gone home yesterday.  All I managed to
accomplish by staying here was to finish the spell for Meander, and to
fend Mother off for a while, until Bart could send her home.  Fiona did
the rest.  Whatever did she need us along for?  I don't care.  I just want
to go home.  Wherever that is, now.

Amber, year nine, day 251 continued (Tuesday, May 9)

Morning

	My grandfather is as imposing as I remembered.  Even Mother was
cowed by his presence.  He mostly had eyes for the fragment, of course. 
The Pattern will soon be whole, again, and I, for one, am glad.  It will
be nice not to be forced to depend on things like the Logrus to get
around.  I hope that it will signal the end to my morning sickness, as
well.  After all, I never got sick in my first pregnancy, when the Pattern
was present.  Will reuniting the Jewel have the same effect as sundering
it?  I will think of Riftvan, just in case.  At least I do not have to
worry about its affect on fertility this time.  I can hardly become any
more pregnant then I currently am.

Vetchways

	I believe I will treasure the expression I saw on Riftvan's face
when I appeared for quite some time to come.  I rarely manage to take him
so completely by surprise.  It was delicious, even if he didn't think so. 
Well, I'm sure I can take his mind off of it.  At least with things
flowing so much faster here, no one is likely to bother us for a while. 
Which is fortunate, since we still have much to discuss.

	I spoke too soon.  I barely had time to kiss him hello, when
Lavender's Trump call came through.  She must have Trumped me as soon as I
vanished.  I guess I'm flattered that she was so concerned, although her
timing remains as poor as ever.  She told me that Mother vanished when the
Jewel was reformed, and I cannot reach her, so I am hoping that she is
simply back in the magic plane.  I have asked Lavender to see if Bart is
willing to retrieve her again.  I must remember to thank him for all that
he has done for me.  But that can wait until later.  Right now, I'd like
to finish greeting my husband.

Foil

Night

	I should have thought to check on Shard from the first.  I was
just so eager to see Riftvan and the children again, that it never even
occurred to me.  He is in such agony!  I do not know if feeding him will
help, but I have to try.  He is so pale, that it cannot hurt.

	How long have I been feeding him?  Longer than ever before, I
think.  I have lost all sense of time.  There is just Shard, and me, and
his need for the blood, and the pleasure that results.  How much longer
can this continue?  Somewhere, I think I hear a voice, saying enough...

	The floor feels so very cool against my cheek.  I'm not sure how
long I've been lying here.  I cannot summon the strength to stand.  Shard
seems to be sleeping.  I want to sleep.  I feel so tired.  Something is
missing.  What is it?

	Riftvan is holding me now.  I don't remember him picking me up. 
He's saying something about satisfying me.  I try to reassure him.  I
could stay here in his arms forever.  So tired...

Vetchways

Afternoon

	It is disorienting to wake up in a strange bed, in a strange room. 
I guess this is our bedroom.  I'm glad Jalana is here.  I missed her so. 
Where are her brothers?  And her father, for that matter?  Well, they must
be around here, somewhere.

	It's so good to be with all of the children again.  At least they
appear to have weathered my absence well enough.  If their sudden
departure from Amber bothered them, they seem to have long since forgotten
it.  Children are remarkable that way.  As for me, I don't know if I'm
ever going to get used to this place.  The architecture is so strange. 
And it seems so huge.  Jalana showed me the parts she knows, but it feels
like there is much more to it than that.  It's going to take me a while to
fully explore this place.  I'm not sure I'll ever call it home.  Home is
back in Amber, in our quarters in the castle, or our house in town, or the
one by the sea, where I can hear the waves crashing against the shore,
through my window at night.  There are no waves to comfort me here.  Just
a strange and cold place, that does not feel like anyone has lived in it
for a very long time.

	I wish I knew has happened to me.  I still feel as though a part
of me is missing.  I have ever since I fed Shard.  It was such a long
feeding, and under such difficult circumstances, the gods only know what
happened.  I am frightened by this.  I wish Riftvan would return soon. 
Why did Gramble ask to speak to him?

	Lavender tells me that Oberon has arranged marriages for all of
his unmarried children.  No wonder Fiona was so upset!  This is appalling. 
Driscoll's arranged marriage was bad enough, but everyone?  It isn't
right.  You should be able to marry someone you love, not someone you were
ordered to.  Thanks the gods I am already married, or I am sure Oberon
would have put me on his list.  Since my father is dead, he would have
that right, according to the rules of Amber.  Not that I would ever have
married someone I didn't wish to.  I wonder who Mother will be marrying? 
And if he knows how her last husband wound up?  Assuming that Father was
her last husband.

	Lavender also informed me that Sand, Dalt and Arthur are to be
executed tomorrow.  I wonder if Riftvan knows of this?  He must.  The
first two do not trouble me overmuch.  To be honest, when I learned of
Sand, a great weight was lifted from my shoulders.  It is such a relief to
know that she is no longer out there, planning to kill my husband or steal
my children.  But this was countered by the dread I felt when I heard of
Arthur's fate.  He does not deserve to die.  And if he does, then surely
Brand, of all people, does as well.  They are guilty of the same crime,
after all.  I must go to Amber tomorrow, and see if I can convince Oberon
of this.  It seems unlikely, but I could not live with myself if I did not
at least try.

	Something odd has just occurred to me.  If this place is running
so much faster than Amber, then Lavender should have perceived me as
contacting her mere moments after Riftvan left with me.  But obviously,
that's not the cast, not if she's had time to learn all of what she told
me.  Did Riftvan find a way to slow the Ways down even more?  I hope so. 
It would make things much easier.

	I have lost a part of my magic to Shard.  Not a large piece of it,
but a part of it, nonetheless.  It must be what enabled him to survive the
Pattern's return, in the end.  Does this mean he no longer requires blood
to survive?  Or that sunlight is no longer a danger?  I don't know.  I
must speak to him, to see if he has noticed that he now possesses a part
of me.

	Caine is to marry Jalana, once she comes of age.  I will not allow
this to happen.  Even if it means I must kill him.  Even if it means I
must die.  Riftvan says that he cannot help me, and that he will be forced
to go after me if I go against Gramble, which killing Caine will do.  I
understand that.  But he must understand that my daughter's happiness is
far more important to me then my own life, and I am willing to die to
ensure that.  Caine will *not* touch my daughter.  Period.

Evening

	I did not intend for any of the children to hear me crying.  You
would think that, in a place as large as this, I would have been
unobserved.  How is it that children always manage to find you when you do
not wish them to?  I hope I can convince Vincent that it is nothing he
needs to worry about.

	At least now we have the names settled.  Ana or Bryan.  Riftvan
seemed surprised when I mentioned the last one.  I think it bothers him
that he doesn't know how much Tamaryn told me.  Perhaps that is a good
thing.  It hurts that he won't trust me with much of his past, so let him
wonder how much I've learned, anyway.  I wish I knew his answer.  I
understand why he needs more time, but I feel like I'm teetering on the
edge of something, and until I learn his answer, I don't know which way
I'll fall.

	Why must Jalana take after me to such an extent?  No matter how
hard I try, I cannot seem to fool her anymore.  And I cannot explain what
is upsetting me to her.  None of it is anything a child should worry
about.  At least the news of the baby served to distract her, for now. 
She wants a sister so badly.  Sometimes I think she feels lonely, being
the only girl among so many brothers.  I do hope that this child is a
girl.

Night

	I am finding sleep to be elusive tonight, despite the fact that I
still feel bone tired.  It's never easy to sleep in a strange place, and
this place is very strange.  I doubt Vetchways will ever feel like home,
not with things like those gargoyles everywhere.  But I promised Riftvan
that he would never be alone while I lived, and if he must be here, then I
must as well.  He endured living in Amber for many years because of me.  I
will survive living in this depressing place.  Somehow.

Amber, year nine, day 252 (Wednesday, May 10)

Morning

	Tamaryn seems well enough.  At least that is something good. 
Oberon questioned her at length as to her loyalties, but now she may come
and go as she pleases.  I wonder what he asked her?  And if he plans to
question the rest of us as well?  I think she could tell that something
was bothering me, and I wanted badly to tell her.  I need to tell someone. 
Riftvan doesn't understand, Lavender has enough problems of her own to
deal with, and Ahab will simply point out that this wouldn't be happening
if I hadn't married Riftvan.  But I cannot tell Tamaryn, because I fear
she will decide to marry Caine, to spare Jalana from having to do so.  I
cannot ask that of her.  I no more wish for her to marry someone she does
not love than I wish Jalana to.  She is too good a person to do that to. 
But I dearly wish I could talk to her about it.

	My first conversation with my grandfather was less than
auspicious.  He called me Lady Vetch.  I have an uneasy feeling I will be
hearing that title a lot more now.  Everything seems to be becoming far
too formal for my taste.  Far too much like I've heard the Courts are, as
a matter of fact.  I always liked Amber because it wasn't that way.  I
will say this for Grandfather, he is to the point.  At least he didn't
draw things out, or give me false hope.  But I like neither of his
answers.  I begged him to choose someone else for Caine to marry, to no
avail.  He will not marry Caine to another, unless Tamaryn rejoins the
House, so he can marry Caine to her.  And he will not spare Arthur.  It
seems my path is set.  I cannot stand by and let Arthur die.  I have
little hope of stopping his death alone, but I am hoping that I am not the
only one who feels this way.  There must be others who will not stand for
this.  I will be ready to act when they do.  There will no doubt be hell
to pay afterwards, but I cannot in good conscience let this happen.  I
wish I could have told Riftvan, but it is better this way.  He can say, in
all honesty, that he was unaware of my intentions.

Afternoon

	I feel tainted, just for being at that farce.  No wonder Oberon
would not consider sparing Arthur.  He wished to force Moire to marry him. 
And he succeeded.  In a way, I am relieved, for I doubt I would have been
able to save Arthur, and I have no particular wish to die.  Although it is
comforting to know that Bartholomew would have intervened as well.  At
least I would not have been alone.  I find that I do not feel too much
sympathy for Moire.  After all, if she had done a better job of raising
Arthur, and not filled his head with all those ridiculous stories of
Corwin, he would not have attacked Amber and been in danger of execution
in the first place.  And, although Ahab will no doubt disagree, I think
that causing Arthur to believe he would die was sufficient punishment for
what he did.  Still, it would seem that Riftvan was right when he said
that Oberon was very ruthless, and the way he manipulated Moire disgusts
me.

	None of this affair was easy.  I could not watch Sand die.  She is
one of the few people I have ever truly feared, and, since she escaped, I
have been terrified that she would return, to kill Riftvan and steal my
children.  But, there is a part of me that felt for her.  Oberon killed
her mother, after all.  It does not justify what she did to all of us,
but...  I don't know.  I wanted to kill her once, so badly that I would
have gone through anything that got in my way.  But that was when I
thought Riftvan would die, at my hand, because of her.  That was before I
took her sons as my own, and realized that I could not kill the woman who
gave them life and look them in the eyes again.  It is foolish, for I know
that she would have killed me, and killed Riftvan, and taken Shannon and
Vincent away, had she been free long enough to have the chance.  There is
no doubt that she deserved death, nor that death was probably preferable
to spending the rest of her life powering the Spikards.  And I will sleep
easier knowing that she is no longer out there.  But, in the end, I could
not watch as Ahab took her life.  I hope it helped him.  She may not have
been Arthur, but she was one of the ones who got away from him.  I hope
killing her brings some peace to his soul.

	Mother seems to remember me again.  I don't know why, but I'm too
grateful to question it.  We talked of her wedding to Lord Borge, and she
seems excited about it.  It is much like a child's excitement, though, and
I hope she understands the ramifications of this.  She will be married to
this man for life.  Or will she?  Oberon managed to have many wives, even
though his first one is still living.  Then again, he is a king, and rules
never seem to apply to them unless they wish it.  I pray that Mother will
be happy with this man.  Maybe I will even have a brother or sister.  Much
as this thought pleases me, I hope this does not happen too soon.  Mother
gave me up because she could not handle raising me, and I do not think she
has changed too much since then.  How can you raise a child, when you are
barely more than a child yourself?  Especially when you may suddenly
forget that you have a child at all?

	Caine actually had the nerve to smile at me.  The bastard.  Why
couldn't he have died fighting that sea creature, as we had all thought?
Well, he won't have my daughter.  I have 35 years in which to prevent this
marriage from taking place.  If I cannot arrange to have him marry someone
else, I will...  I don't know.  I won't kill him.  I said I would before,
but that was my anger talking.  How can I kill him for marrying Jalana,
when it's not his decision in the first place?  He has as little choice in
the matter as I do.  It was Oberon's decision that caused this, Oberon and
Gramble's.  Besides, I am not an assassin, and I don't think I could just
kill someone that way.  And I talked to Ahab before of consequences, of
what would happen if he killed Arthur.  The consequences of killing Caine
would be...terrible.  Oberon and Gramble would likely have me executed,
and Gramble would send Riftvan to do it.  This cannot be allowed to
happen.  I do not think Riftvan could kill me, and Gramble would likely
execute him such a defiance.  Even if Riftvan could do it, I fear what it
would do to him.  Loryn's death nearly destroyed him, all those years ago. 
Killing me would probably complete the job.

	So, what do I do, then?  I will not force Jalana to marry someone
she does not love.  And I cannot kill Caine without likely destroying both
myself and my husband.  While I could live with the first, I cannot live
with the second.  If only I hadn't married Riftvan, none of this would
have happened.  Of course, if I hadn't, Oberon would probably have
arranged for me to marry him anyway.  He does seem to have made an effort
to force those with children to marry their child's other parent.  I just
don't understand why Caine must marry someone from House Vetch.  Oberon
seems to be arranging things so that there is an Amberite married to
someone from each house, but my marriage has already accomplished that as
far as House Vetch is concerned.  Why must there be another one?  I don't
know what to do.  The only options left are crazy ones.  If Jalana is
claimed by the Dexterian King, then she will be safe from Caine, but I
will lose her forever.  And Caine will probably be betrothed to the next
daughter that I have.  In the end, it is their House affiliation that
dooms them.  Oberon made it quite clear that he wants Caine to marry one
of Riftvan's daughters.  And I know of only one possible way to remove
that affiliation.  If I fight to leave the House, as Tamaryn did, and win,
then all my children are safe.  But I do not even know if this can be
done.  I am of House Vetch because of my marriage to Riftvan, not because
of blood ties.  If I am released from the House, does that nullify the
marriage?  I don't want that.  Everywhere I turn, it seems as though there
is no way out.  I cannot allow Jalana to marry Caine.  And I can think of
no easy way to stop it.