Amber, year nine, day 248 continued

Morning

	Lavender and I have begun to fence together again, although now we
have an audience in the form of Nicholas.  It still disturbs me how
intense he is.  No child should be that serious, not at his age.  I must
remember to suggest to Lavender that she have Foster speak to him.

Afternoon

	I finally spoke with Ahab about Arthur, with the results that I
expected.  He remains convinced that Arthur must die, and I could not
convince him otherwise.  I think Arthur has come to represent to him all
of the enemies that he could not kill.  Brand, Rygat, Riftvan, and Sand
all survived, and now that he finally has the chance to kill one, he
cannot bring himself to let him go.  Nothing I say seems to get past this. 
I suppose I shouldn't be surprised.  He allowed me to persuade him not to
kill Riftvan once, and he probably figures that's enough for one lifetime. 
I just wish he could be made to see that killing Arthur will only make
things worse, not better.

Evening

	Another transfusion come and gone, and still the feelings continue
to strengthen.  There must be an upper limit to this, but where it lies I
do not know.  Apparently, Julian took the news of Shard's condition
poorly, which is what I had expected.  It can't be easy to learn that your
child is a vampire, and Julian and Shard have always had a somewhat
volatile relationship.  I wish it had gone otherwise, though.  Shard's
condition isolates him enough as it is.

	Arthur seems resigned to his fate, and I can offer little to give
him hope.  No matter what I do, eventually Ahab will get to him.  It seems
sad that the dungeon is the only place Arthur is safe.  For his sake, I
hope Random keeps him there for a while.  Long enough to make his actions
less immediate for Ahab.  Perhaps then Ahab will reconsider.  Neither of
us thinks this is likely, though.  He gave me a message for his mother, in
the event that Ahab succeeds.  I will deliver it, but I do not think it
will sway her.  Having just finished one war, I find myself dreading the
prospect of another.

Night

	It's raining one of those dreary spring rains that are so common
this time of year.  I should probably go inside.  I doubt I have much
resistance to anything right now, and there is the child to think of.  But
I will find no rest, nor comfort, in my quarters, and the sound of the
rain is comforting, in a way.  I can hear the ocean far below from here. 
It reminds me of home.

Amber, year nine, day 249 (Saturday, May 6)

Early morning

	I lie here watching my husband sleep, a million question in my
head.  Where has he been?  And for how long?  I think it has been a while. 
His hair seems slightly grayer, but perhaps it is my imagination.  He
didn't wish to speak of it, he just brought me inside.  I find, for the
first time, that I do not know what to say to him.  He seems the same as
before, but I know better.  I await the morning, and the answers it must
bring.  Until then, I lie here with his arms around me, and wish that his
presence did not comfort me so.

Morning

	Random wishes us to retrieve the remaining fragments of the Jewel. 
I knew this was coming.  I just don't know if I will go.  There is so much
unresolved with Riftvan, and I don't know how long we'll be gone.  I feel
terrible about the idea of leaving the children again.  I've spent so
little time with them, of late.  I know that if we do not recover the rest
of the Jewel, then the Pattern is lost forever.  But right now, that
really doesn't matter all that much to me.

	There are times when I wish that I didn't love him quite so much. 
Then this wouldn't hurt as badly.  At least I don't think it would.  He's
been gone for a year.  An entire year!  He seems slightly more open now,
not much, but a little bit.  Then again, I have thought in the past that
he was changing.  For all I know, this is just an act to gain my
forgiveness.  It hurts to know that he spent so long dealing with this
alone.  I am his wife.  He should have been able to let me help him.  He
should have talked to me.  How can he expect to return after a year, after
all that happened, and act as if nothing has changed?  How can he not
expect me to be hurt by this?  All he could offer was to leave again. 
What would that solve?  How can any of this be resolved if we don't work
it out together?  His absence would only make things worse.

	He loved me from the first.  I wasn't expecting that.  I always
thought that came later on.  If he loved me all along, why did he lead us
to Rygat, knowing that she wanted to kill all of us, including me?  And
why did he continue on with Sand?  Questions I must know the answers to. 
Answers I must be able to trust.  I guess that is what I have really lost
in all of this.  I trusted him.  I believed that he had never lied to me. 
Now I can't tell what to believe anymore.  I've lost that trust, and I
don't know if it can be regained.

	I wasn't expecting that.  It would make sense out of why we love
each other, but it seems so hard to believe.  How can a soul be shared? 
I've always been taught that a soul is what makes you who you are.  What
does it mean if you have a soul that was once possessed by another?  How
much of me is really them?  Who am I, in the end?

	I guess I will go.  Perhaps if I spend some time away, I will be
able to see things more clearly.  And we both have much to think about. 
But I grow weary of being constantly sent away from my family.  I'm sure
my aunts and uncles are doubtless doing something to help, but why must it
always be us who are sent out?

Discworld, year nine, day 249 continued

Evening

	I feel much like Alice must have when she fell down the rabbit
hole.  Talking rabbits, men with the heads of dogs...  At least Hickory
and Looks Twice are not so strange.  And then there's Jaquee and Meander. 
They bear a strong resemblance to Caine and Corwin, respectively.  Are
they relatives, or just Shadows?  Meander, at least, has a mind strong
enough to be an Amberite, and Jaquee moves too fast to be just a Shadow. 
I wish I had been able to help bring back Meander's sight.  I have begun
work on a spell to do so, but I do not think we will be here long enough
for me to complete it.  At least I hope we won't.  Perhaps it will take
less time than usual, considering where we are.  I hope so.  Certainly
conjuring seems easier here, but then, I haven't been doing it for very
long at all.  It is fortunate that I learned what little skill I have with
it, however, otherwise rescuing Driscoll would be far more difficult.  He
is being sold as a slave, due to his Faerie blood.  Apparently this is
something of value, here.  I suppose we are fortunate that Foster's
heritage is not so obvious.  I must admit, Felix showed an unusual amount
of cleverness in his suggestion to just buy Driscoll, rather than launch
an attack on his captors.  I would much rather retrieve Driscoll in a
manner that does not draw attention to us.  Of course, we still must find
Verdegris and Song, but I do not anticipate too much difficulty in that. 
Finding his Trumps, however, may be more of a problem.

	Once we have Driscoll, things get far more complicated.  The
remaining Jewel fragments, and probably Alex as well, are likely in the
possession of a man named Cedric, who also has taken Mother as his bride. 
There must be some way to rid her of her madness.  Why could Fiona help
Arthur but not her?  I shall have to ask, when we return.  If we return. 
For this Cedric is not only a master sorcerer, but commands demons, along
with an army of fanatical followers.  Even if we managed to reach him, the
only ones who might be able to fight him are Bart and Lavender.  About all
I could do is conjure a large weight over his head.  Something I'm sure
Mother would find delightfully ironic, if she had any of her memories of
her fight with Brand.  My fighting skills will not be terribly useful
against someone who no doubt has spells to protect him from that sort of
thing.  Unless someone else can bring those spells down.

	I wish we had some way of letting those in Amber know of our
status, and to know how much time has passed there, but Trumps do not
work, not even to reach others within this place.  The only means which
might work is this ring that I conceal, but either I have not figured out
the proper way to use it, or Riftvan isn't answering.  It's a pity that
Foster no longer has his.  It would have made finding him much easier, not
to mention communicating with him, since we must split into more than one
group tomorrow.  But I knew he would not keep it, once he left the House
and being an assassin behind.  I sometimes wonder why I still wear mine,
now that I know what it means.