Amber, year nine, day 243 continued

	I am undone.  I have tried every trick I know on this Hendrake
lord, every hidden ace that I have to play, but it is not sufficient. 
Perhaps if I had found him earlier in the fight...  Despite the fact that
he is better than I, I have managed to hurt him worse in our encounter
than he has hurt me.  At least up until this point.  But now he is angry
at his foolishness, and I am tired and without either sword to hand.  The
Hendrake knows it is over and is laughing at me.  We shall see how he
laughs at my death curse.  Assuming the curse will work with no Pattern. 
I comfort myself with the knowledge that I did all I could, and gave him a
better fight than he anticipated.  I tried to disengage, but, as is
usually the case, by the time I realized that I was too exhausted to go on
for much longer, it was far too late.  I find myself surprisingly calm. 
There are worse ways to go than in battle, although I wish I could take
this Hendrake with me.  And I would have liked to say goodbye, to the
children, and to Riftvan.  I am sorry to be leaving you in this manner, my
love.

	I still live.  I cannot even now quite bring myself to believe it. 
I don't think Shard's intervention was just a fortunate coincidence.  I
have felt his presence all evening.  Why is he protecting me?  Perhaps
because I am his only alternative to the usual vampiric method of feeding,
and I may be his only hope for a cure.

	I have never seen a vampire feed before, and if I never see one
feed again, I will not be unhappy.  It looked like a horrible way to die,
yet I could not tear my eyes away from it.  Not due to any sympathy for
the Hendrake bastard, of course.  He deserved a terrible, suffering death,
and I believe that it what he received.  It's almost a pity that it ended
so quickly.  But I could not even tear myself away from the sight for long
enough to retrieve my swords.  Despite the fact that the battle continued
around us.  Why did it hold me so?

	It was strange beyond words to move through a raging battle as if
we were not even there.  I was hard pressed to stay awake, so much had the
fight worn me out, but I am glad that I did not succumb, for then I would
have missed the arrival of the dragons.  They are such magnificent
creatures.  It must be exhilarating to ride into battle that way.  It was
good to see that Mercury is still alive and well.

	Lavender remembers Driscoll once more, and wishes to give Song to
him.  It seems the best solution, especially since Calamus was a Shadow of
Driscoll.  But, I must admit that I will miss Song.  There are certain
inherent advantages to possessing a weapon that will return to you when
you are disarmed.  Without it, I doubt I could have held off that Hendrake
lord as long as I did.  And we seemed to work well together...  After
fighting in battle together, I feel a sort of bond to it.  I hope it's
happy with Driscoll.

	Lavender also tells me that Foster was summoned by the House, no
doubt to perform an assassination.  I was able to use the ring to
determine that he is out on the battlefield, which seemed to provide
Lavender with some small comfort.  With Riftvan gone, I wonder who it is
that hands out these assignments?

Amber, year nine, day 244 (Monday, May 1)

Early morning

	I slept for four hours.  I feel badly for sleeping for so long,
but any shorter and I would be of little use out on the battlefield.  I
still feel rather tired, but I cannot in good conscience stay here any
longer.  I believe Tamaryn sat up and watched me the whole time.  I wonder
why?  At least she and Kira can keep each other company.

Morning

	I find myself in need of rest again, barely two hours after I
rejoined the battle.  It should not be as long as the last time, for I
will not allow myself to become so exhausted again, if I can help it.  But
it is irritating, nonetheless.  This is not a good time to be pregnant.

Afternoon

	It is fortunate that Lavender was concerned about Foster.  I doubt
I would have been checking on him, otherwise, and if I hadn't...  There
was a definite feeling of deja-vu, only this time Foster was the one
struggling against a Hendrake, and I was the one who caught the man by
surprise and killed him.  Foster looked quite shocked, although I cannot
fathom why.  He saw me coming after all.  What else would I have been
about, other than killing his opponent?

	The Hendrake lord who came so close to taking my life was none
other than Lord Hendrake himself.  I wish I had known that when I was
fighting him.  I wish he knew who I was.  Perhaps he did.  It would
explain why he chose to send Usires away and fight me, instead of the
other way around.  Riftvan will doubtless be pleased that he is dead. 
Even if it wasn't I who killed him.

Evening

	I can feel Shard's presence near me again this night, although no
one else seems to notice.  After he saved my life, I am not ungrateful for
his protection, but it still makes me uneasy.  I wish his efforts were not
focused on me alone.

Amber, year nine, day 245 (Tuesday, May 2)

Morning

	At last, there is an end to this.  The battle is over, and we have
won.  All I want right now is to sleep for about a week, but I will settle
for a few hours.  Then I must see to the wounded.  There are so many... 
Too many for me to help all of them.  It is my hope that if I heal them
just enough to prevent their dying, I will be able to save more of them.

Afternoon

	That was a rather interesting conversation.  To think that, for
all this time, Bart still believed that I was upset with him over what
happened with Sand.  I thought we had resolved this years ago. 
Apparently, he thought the whole thing was a setup for Kira.  As if she
wasn't capable of finding her own lovers.  We cleared up many things, and
I believe I have set him on a solution to his arranged marriage.  I'm sure
Lilith is a lovely child, but I hate the whole idea of arranged marriages. 
A marriage without love is no marriage at all.

	Tamaryn has agreed to bring me to see the children.  I can't wait. 
It's a long trip by Logrus, and I will be terribly sick when I get there,
but it is worth it to see them again.

	I can't describe how wonderful it is to have Riftvan and the
children back.  There aren't words for what I felt when they Trumped into
our quarters.  Riftvan continually surprises me.  I didn't realize that he
had a Trump of our quarters.  I wonder if he has ones of our other homes
as well?  I just remember wishing I could hug all of them at once, and I
certainly tried my best to.  The children seem to have enjoyed their
vacation, and I'm rather glad they weren't here during those two long days
of fighting.  Riftvan is fine, of course.  After all, from his point of
view, he left not long ago.  For me, it's been far too long.

	If Riftvan is to be believed, there isn't much hope of curing
Shard.  I had been hoping he would know a way.  He seems mostly interested
in finding ways to stop Shard, should it be necessary.  He thinks I should
keep transfusing Shard, though.  I'm glad he didn't object.  I really have
no choice, not if I want Shard to stay somewhat close to his old self.  No
matter how strong your will, if you must survive every night by killing
people, well...  No one could go through that and not change for the
worse.  I will spare him that, if I can.

	Her name was Uma.  It helps a bit to know that.  Riftvan thinks
she may have been trying to lure out whoever created the gate and
kidnapped Caitt and Beauty.  Foolish child.  All she wanted was to improve
relations between Foil and Dexter.  I must return to Dexter to resolve
this, and soon.  I hope her father will listen to me.  I hope he will
decide to let me live.  For I will die rather than give him Jalana, and I
do not think Riftvan will let me go that far.  I am afraid that he will
kill the king, if it comes to that, and I do not wish this to happen,
either.  What a terrible mess I've created.

Evening

	Shard came by again tonight.  I am glad that Riftvan was present,
even if Shard could not see him.  Riftvan didn't notice anything unusual
about the process, other than the fact that I survived.  If only it was as
straightforward as that.  I knew it was Shard when he knocked, before I
even opened the door.  Riftvan thinks it is good that I can sense him, but
the fact that I can indicates that there is some sort of bond between us,
and this makes me nervous, because I don't understand it.  I don't
understand why the energy that I put into the spell returned so quickly
this time, either.  That's never happened before.  Worst of all, the
feelings I had during the spell were stronger too.  They don't last beyond
the spell, thank the gods.  Or do they?  When he says my name, it
sounds...different, somehow.  What is happening to me?  I shared all of
this with Riftvan, but if it concerned him he chose to make a joke of it. 
An affair with a vampire, indeed!  He did promise to pay more attention in
the future, and that he will intervene if I am in danger, but I fear that
he cannot protect me from this.

Amber, year nine, day 246 (Wednesday, May 3)

Morning

	Tamaryn must know that Riftvan has returned, for I have not seen
her since.  I have not told him of her presence in Amber.  I am afraid
that if he knows she's free, he may try to lock her up again, and I do not
wish that to happen any more.  Foster has vanished as well, so I assume
that she's coaching him for his fight with Riftvan.  I wish I could tell
her that he's letting Foster go.  It might ease her mind.

Afternoon

	There are still many wounded, but less that are mortally so. 
Those that I did not have the strength to aid yesterday have, for the most
part, passed on.  I wish I had the strength to help them all.

Evening

	Shard returned once more.  Unfortunately, the feeling was still
there, even stronger than before.  Shard seems unaware of it.  I wish
there was another way to do this.

Night

	Please, gods, let this fight end soon, without any death.  Foster
is bleeding to death, yet I can do nothing for him without interfering in
his and Tamaryn's attempt to leave the House.  If I aid him, I nullify all
that they have gone through.  But I cannot let Foster die.  Please let
Tamaryn win, and soon.  I do not know how much longer Foster can last.

Amber, year nine, day 247 (Thursday, May 4)

Early morning

	I tried too hard to save Foster, it would seem, for I lost
consciousness.  That's never happened to me before.  But Tamaryn says
Foster is fine, so it was worth it.  They are both free at last.  But I
fear that I may have lost Riftvan.  He looks so angry.  I do not think I
have ever seen him like this.  It's like looking at a stranger.  I tell
myself that he deserves what Tamaryn did to him, for locking her away for
so long.  But there was a moment, when she held the knife to his throat,
when I feared I'd made the wrong decision.  If she had killed him at that
moment, I would have no one to blame but myself.  All that stopped me from
interfering at that moment was my trust in Tamaryn.  It can be a slender
thing on which to rest one's life.  Or another's.  For I do not think I
could have saved both Foster and Riftvan, and, much as I care for Foster,
I would not let Riftvan die to save him.  Despite the things Riftvan has
done.

Morning

	I am so tired.  I got no sleep at all last night, unless you count
the time I spent unconscious.  I am afraid that Riftvan feels that I have
betrayed him.  He never spoke to me through the rest of the night.  He
just hung there, looking so angry that I just wanted to hold him and
comfort him somehow.  But he was so far away that I do not think I could
have reached him, even if I dared try.  And now he is gone, and I am
afraid that I will never see him again.  He must know that I knew Tamaryn
was free.  I tell myself that it doesn't come close to making up for all
of the things that he has hidden from me, but...  If Foster is correct, he
even lied to me about letting Foster leave the House.  If this is true,
how can I trust anything that he has told me?  All of it could be lies. 
Even when he said that he loved me...  I thought he had changed.  He had
to have.  How could I have been so wrong?  Who is he, really?  The man
that I love, or the man who locked Tamaryn away and stole her son from
her?  How can he be both?  All the changes I thought I saw in him...  Were
any of them real?

	Felix formally acknowledged Foster at breakfast.  I am happy for
him.  And for Lavender.  She and Foster are engaged once more.  It is good
to see that things are working out for them.

	Tamaryn thinks she can make Riftvan the way he was before.  Not
for herself, but for my sake, and the children's.  What have I done to
warrant such great effort on her part?  At least I was able to repay her
some small part of what I owe her by healing her hand.  She thinks what I
can do is wondrous.  She thinks too highly of me.  I think, perhaps, she
is seeing her mother and not me.  It is the only explanation that makes
any sense.  I hope she is wrong about what Riftvan may do when he returns. 
I am not sure I could endure that, not now.  If he even does come back. 
He must.  I cannot have been so wrong about him.  Vialle told me long ago
to trust in my heart, and that is all I have to hold onto right now.

Afternoon

	Amazing!  I did not think it was possible to learn to conjure so
quickly.  After five fruitless years of learning faerie magic, and an
equal time spent developing my own healing ability, I expected it to be
months, at least, before I could conjure even the simplest of objects. 
This is wonderful!  Of course, I am still far from being able to do what
Driscoll did with my armor today.  But someday...  For now, even this is
just incredible!  Driscoll seemed grateful for the distraction.  He seems
so sad.  I am certain that it is due to Lavender's engagement to Foster. 
I hope that he finds someone else to love.  He deserves some happiness in
his life.

	Arthur turns out to be a rather pleasant individual.  He seems to
be quite rational now.  I suppose only Lavender could truly compare him to
how he was before.  He told me where Mother is, and the shards.  They are
together, in some place he called the primal Shadow for magic.  He
believes there are such Shadows for all of the powers.  Mother was sent
there to watch the shards, but she has suffered another personality shift,
and no longer remembers why she is there.  Doubtless she will have
forgotten me again, as well.  I know I should not let this bother me, but
it does, nonetheless.

	I was rather relieved to learn that my attempt to destroy that
medical facility in Kalevala failed.  It was a rash decision on my part,
one that I regretted when I had time to think calmly about it.  At least
some mistakes can be undone.  If only all of them could turn out that way. 
Thank the gods I no longer have that jack.

	Arthur believes Ahab will kill him, and seems quite resigned to
his fate.  While I agree that he must suffer some punishment for what he
has done, he certainly should be given some leniency, both for the
information he shared, and because he wasn't exactly sane at the time. 
After all, his only part in the siege was in supplying Corwin's troops,
and providing the wind for that sea battle.  The latter is what caused him
to split from Dara in the first place.  He certainly does not deserve
death.  Sand and Brand have done far worse things in their time, and they
were allowed to live.  I just hope I can convince Ahab of this.  Because I
will not stand by and allow him to kill Arthur.  He is certainly owed
something from Arthur, but not that.

	It seems that Mandor did nothing more to Lavender's mind than 
require that she think about his request.  She seems to have accepted 
this, but I still think he was a bastard to do such a thing to his own 
daughter.

	I believe I have persuaded Lavender not to kill Arthur.  At least
she has agreed to speak with him.  Unfortunately, I let slip that Ahab and
Arthur are brothers, and she came to the appropriate conclusions.  It was
stupid of me, and I still cannot believe I did it.  My exhaustion and
stress no doubt played a part, but that does not excuse me.  I am
fortunate that it was Lavender that I made this mistake in front of.  At
least she can be trusted.

	The other thing Lavender brought up is far more sticky.  She
thinks some of Nicholas' problems, his loneliness and seriousness, are due
to Kimdyl, not Ahab.  I don't know.  I find it hard to believe that she
isn't a good mother.  I remember how upset she was when he was stolen as a
baby.  She obviously loves him.  Regardless of the cause, Nicholas does
seem to be very lonely, and far too old for his age.  I think that may
have been the source of some of his difficulties with the other children. 
He needs to learn to relax more, to enjoy being a child while he can. 
Perhaps Foster should speak with him.  I am not sure if Foster's actual
childhood mirrored the one he portrayed with Felix, but I believe he is
someone that Nicholas might relate to.

Evening

	Shard felt something too, this time.  I do not know how to feel
about that.  I wish I understood what is happening here.  I wish Riftvan
was here.  Maybe he could have made some sense out of it.  What disturbs
me the most is that Shard still feels an urge to return to Belle, the
vampire who made him, and he is not certain he can resist it once the
Pattern is restored.  He suggested that I teach the transfusion spell to
Beauty, in hopes that she can wield power over him.  I cannot do that. 
Especially not knowing the effects this spell has had on me so far. 
Beauty is innocent in such matters, and she has long possessed a crush on
Shard.  It would not be wise for her to experience the sort of feelings
that the spell provokes, when she has no other experience to contrast them
with.

Amber, year nine, day 248 (Friday, May 5)

Early morning

	Still no sign of Riftvan.  I cannot sleep.  I cannot keep on like
this.  The doubt, the worry, the uncertainty.  I just can't go through
this again.  Death would be preferable to that.  Because I can't seem to
stop myself from loving him, and death is the only other way to end it.