Somewhere in Shadow, year nine, day 241

Morning

	I feel like Rip van Winkle.  When I fell asleep, Lavender was
perhaps a week further in her pregnancy than I.  Now, she is larger than I
was right before I had Morgan and Jalana.  And she and Foster appear to
have handfasted.  I would have liked to see the ceremony, but I guess she
wanted to keep it small.  I do not like these Shadows where you can lose
so much time in but a few hours.  I wish I had known she was going to do
this.  I wish I knew why she did it.  The baby will be more vulnerable
once it is born than when it was still inside her.  At least right now my
child cannot easily be taken from me without killing me in the process. 
She doesn't understand.  She's never thought she lost her child mere days
after he was born.  I still remember the gnawing emptiness I felt after
that, and the awful knowledge that I could not even protect my own
children.  No, I have no wish to have this child while Amber still fights
for its survival.  Especially not while her father remains among the
missing.  I wish Lavender had not done this.  I was looking forward to at
least having some company in my pregnancy this time.  Now it seems I am
alone again.

	Lavender is not going to have an easy time of it.  There is only
one child, but it seems to be quite large.  Gerard's genes coming through,
it would seem.  I hope the child is not too large to make the passage. 
This place is quite beautiful, but it is not the sort of place I'd care to
perform a Cesarean.  If only Lavender knew more of shapeshifting...  Well,
with luck, it will simply hurt quite a bit.  I haven't told Lavender any
of my concerns.  There's no sense in worrying her needlessly, when there's
nothing that can be done.  The baby will be born soon, one way or the
other.

Afternoon

	I wish I could cook like Caitt.  I don't know what she does, but I
don't feel nearly as sick now as I usually do.  Which is good, because I
was starving.  Not too surprising, given that I haven't felt like eating
much of late, and I keep throwing up most of what I do eat.  I wouldn't be
surprised if I've lost weight.  It's not too dangerous at this early
stage, but it's not exactly a good thing, either.  If only I didn't feel
so sick all of the time...  Well, I intend to enjoy the reprieve while I
can.

Evening

	I have finally met Foster's mother.  She most definitely has
faerie blood in her.  No wonder Foster picked up faerie magic so easily! 
I wonder how Lavender took that?  Tamaryn seems to have some skill in
delivering babies, which is good, since Caitt is too much of a wreck right
now to assist me.  Seeing as how she lost one daughter in childbirth, I am
not surprised.  I gave her something that should help calm her down
considerably.  I wish I could do as much for Lavender.  The mixture I gave
her helped somewhat, but I cannot block her pain psychically.  My attempt
to do so seemed to be triggering a sympathetic affect in my own body, and
I was afraid I would miscarry if I continued.  All I can really do is
monitor the baby and give Lavender what strength I have left.  It is
precious little, I'm afraid.  I hope this child comes soon, before we both
collapse in exhaustion.

Somewhere in Shadow, year nine, day 242

Afternoon

	Gods, but I'm tired!  Why does it seem like boys always get stuck? 
Morgan did the same in me.  Thankfully, Foster and Felix were able to help
push the baby out.  I used to think that having the twins was bad, but at
least they were relatively small.  Haris is a beautiful baby, but I'm glad
I wasn't the one giving birth to him.  Fortunately, I have another eight
months before I must endure that sort of thing again.  I can't say I'm
looking forward to it.

Somewhere in Shadow, year nine, day 243

Morning

	Foster has agreed to help me find Riftvan.  I couldn't ask
Lavender.  One of them must stay with the baby, and he needs his mother
more than his father.  Besides, I'd like Driscoll to come with us, and I'm
not sure what would happen if Lavender saw him right now.  It's terrible
that Mandor would use his own daughter that way.  What a bastard!  How can
he honestly expect her to believe that he cares about her when he uses her
so?  Perhaps I am fortunate that Mother has never possessed much power,
and is rather indifferent towards me.

	Foster also suggested that I ask his mother for her assistance,
since she's apparently a Logrus user of some skill.  Unfortunately, he
says that she's not all that fond of Riftvan, so I doubt she will be want
to help find him.  Still, it cannot hurt to ask for her aid.

Amber (Sunday, April 30)

Morning

	Tamaryn is one of Riftvan's daughters.  His eldest, to be precise. 
She called me mother, but I think I've convinced her not to do that, for
the most part.  There's something inherently ridiculous about a woman 35
times my age calling me mother.  Gods, that makes Foster my grandson.  Or
step-grandson.  I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that Riftvan never
mentioned her to me.  She says he keeps her locked away in Shadow, to keep
her from interfering with what he does.  I can't believe he would do that
to his own daughter.  It doesn't make any sense.  We are going to have a
chat when he returns.  If he returns.

	Felix seems to be most agitated.  I wonder if he still harbors
feelings for Tamaryn?  And she for him?  It is possible.  After all, Felix
has never become seriously involved with any woman since Foster arrived in
Amber.  As for Tamaryn, I don't know her well enough to be sure, but even
if she does possess the House skill at deceit, she doesn't strike me as
the type who could pretend to love someone for months, and bear their
child, and not have at least some feelings for them.  If they do still
love each other, I wish them luck.  It is hard to get over the kind of
deception that is between them.

	I have often wondered what Riftvan sees in me.  I guess I have my
answer.  He sees his first wife.  Or some part of her.  It all makes so
much sense now.  Especially his reluctance to admit that he loved me.  I
don't think he wanted to admit it to himself.  He must have loved Loryn
very much, to have been hurt so deeply by her loss.  They were married for
over 500 years!  I can't even imagine living that long, much less being
married all that time.  I don't know how he found the strength to go on. 
I don't think I could survive losing him.

	It must have been difficult for him to see Tamaryn after that. 
She favors her mother so very much.  Perhaps he locked her in Shadow in a
misguided attempt to protect her.  She's all he has left of Loryn, and he
has a tendency to be overprotective.  But, even so, he had no right to
imprison her like that.  Nor to take Foster away from her when he was so
young.  I tell myself that this was before I met him, and that he's
changed since then.  I hope I am right.  I do not think the man I love
could do something like that, not anymore.  But I've been wrong before.

	Tamaryn says her mother is the only other wife to know his name. 
I wasn't expecting that.  I don't understand why I remind him of her.  She
was tall, and beautiful, a Princess of Faerie.  I'm rather short and
common in comparison.  And she seems to have been such a genuinely kind
person.  I'm sure she never lost her temper they way I do.  If Riftvan
thinks I'm like her, he must be rather disappointed.

	I suppose I do bear some resemblance to a faerie.  Perhaps that's
why the little ones like me so.  I've never really thought about it
before.  I guess Amberite and native American genes combine in strange
ways.  Assuming my father really was who Mother claimed.  Eral knows,
information from Mother is always suspect, due to her state of mind, and I
haven't had the chance to confirm it.  Could I have faerie blood in me? 
Even if what Mother told me about my father was just some fantasy of hers,
it seems unlikely.  I can't learn the magic.  I've tried for five years,
gods know, but it feels like I'm a blind woman attempting to learn how to
see.  Can faeries be blind to magic?  Can humans?  Even if they can, the
point is still moot.  If I have faerie blood within me, Riftvan wouldn't
have needed to shift me to be one in order to enter Tir-na Nog'th.  Of
course, I've never tried passing through the barrier as I am.  I suppose
that would be the true test.  I'm not sure I want to know, though.  If I
have any faerie blood in me at all, that makes me more like Loryn than I
like.  I find it disconcerting that I resemble her to the extent that I
do.  No wonder Lavender was so dismayed to learn of her Shadow's
involvement with Driscoll.  How could she ever be sure that he loves her,
and not the Shadow he killed long ago?  I am suddenly grateful that I have
never encountered any Shadows of me.  It leaves me wondering, though, is
it me Riftvan loves, or the memory of his dead wife?  Is there any part of
me that he loves that doesn't come from her?  Will I ever know for
certain?

	The more I learn, the more that is made clear.  Rygat, or Cymnea,
or whatever else she calls herself, is not just his sister, she's his
twin.  I suppose it explains the obligation he feels towards her.  Still,
I am growing tired of these half-truths that he tells.  Yes, he did say
she was his sister, but her being his twin was a rather significant bit to
leave out.

	I really like Tamaryn.  She seems so open and friendly.  So unlike
the rest of the House.  I love Riftvan dearly, but he still hides himself
from me, for the most part.  Tamaryn doesn't seem to hide anything. 
Either that, or she's as good at fooling me as her father is.  I hope not. 
It's so nice to have someone to just talk to about Riftvan, and the House,
and all the things he won't tell me.  It helps to know what he used to be
like.  It reassures me that the bit of him that I see and no one else does
isn't just an act or my imagination.

Afternoon

	Benedict has asked for my assistance in testing the siege lines
tonight.  I am grateful for the opportunity to focus on something other
than worrying about Riftvan and the children.  The probe will take place
under the cover of darkness, which means Shard will be awake by then.  I
pray that he leaves me be until after our excursion.  I cannot afford to
be so tired before going into combat.

	They had to break Felix's collarbone in order to deliver him? 
Gods above, no wonder Isabeux waited so long before having Vivienne.  What
must Gerard's mother have gone through?  I'm impressed that she survived.

	He is alive.  Thanks be to all the gods.  I'm so relieved.  I
don't know how to free him, but he is alive, and unhurt, and that's all
that really matters.  I did not realize you could do that with a Shadow. 
I guess there was nothing I could have done to help them, had I
accompanied them.  Arthur must have trapped them shortly after their
arrival.  Tamaryn seemed surprised that Riftvan was caught, but I don't
see how he could have avoided it.  I don't understand how you could tell
in advance that a Shadow was so completely under someone's control.  Then
again, I've never understood much about how Shadow works.  Tamaryn did not
believe me when I said that I wasn't clever, but I'm not.  If I were, then
would understand this far better than I do.

Evening

	Now this, I understand.  A feint here, a thrust there, Song
vibrating with every kill.  Perhaps I should not be using it, but...  I
could not return it to Lavender, lest she start trying to recall again who
she intended to give it to, I have not had time to find Driscoll, and it
is not something I could just leave lying around in the castle.  Eral
knows what sort of mischief if would get into.  Given that, it would be
cruel to keep it sheathed in the midst of battle, especially since it
seems to enjoy the fight as much as I do.  In my present state of mind, we
seem to be well suited to one another.  I may regret this later on, but
right now we fight as one.  And there is much killing to be done.  I have
spent years wishing I could kill the people who tried to murder Morgan. 
The Hendrakes I am fighting now may not be the ones who were specifically
involved, but it is their House's vendetta that caused it.  I intend to
kill as many of their lords as I can this day.  I will make them regret
the day they decided to try to kill my child.

	Our test seems to have become a full-scale assault.  If that
wasn't the plan all along.  Given the arrival of the army from Chaos, I
believe that it was.  Things must be going well in Chaos, if they can
spare the forces to assist us.  I wonder if the enemy troops here will
press their siege, or return to Chaos to try to help shore up their cause?

	Much of the family seems to be out here tonight.  Driscoll and
Clytemnestra make quite an effective team.  I wish I had a dragon to fight
alongside like that.  Even Shard is out here.  I think.  I have not seen
him, nor found any bloodless corpses, but I somehow I know that he is
nearby.  I wish I knew why I could tell this.  It bothers me.  How can I
sense the presence of someone who I cannot even read?