Somewhere in Shadow, year nine, day 240 continued

Afternoon

	Gods above, wasn't it bad enough that I had to throw up in front
of everyone?  Did Lavender have to tell them all that I am pregnant as
well?  What was she thinking?  I don't mind Ahab knowing, seeing as how
I've been meaning to tell him myself, and I figured she'd let it slip to
Foster sooner or later, but I certainly didn't want Jordan to know.  He
may be her brother, but I barely know him and it's hardly any of his
business.  Damn.

	Lavender is showing surprisingly little caution.  First she walked
into that spell, then she almost drank the water.  Perhaps her concern for
Beauty and Caitt is distracting her?  Or maybe it's her feelings for
Foster?  I know she dragged me away so that Ahab could talk to him.  I
hope he had better luck than the rest of us have had.

	I am rather thankful that the spell did not affect me as it did
most of the others.  What would I have seen, I wonder?  Sand?  That demon
who tried to sacrifice me?  I don't know.  I don't want to know.  How long
would they have remained entranced like that, if I hadn't awoken them? 
Would they have been forced to relive their deaths, over and over again? 
How horrible.  At least we seem to be in Faerie lands now.  One of the
little ones even seems to recognize me.  From my wedding?  Or my earlier,
brief stay in Tir-na Nog'th?  I don't know.  It knows me from somewhere,
though, and for some reason that makes this place seem more friendly. 
Lavender and Foster seem affected too.  I don't know what he said to her,
but judging by her coloring, it must have been interesting...  Maybe
Ahab's talk did some good.

	Thank the gods that we found them, although my worst fears, and
Lavender's, I'm sure were confirmed.  How long has it been since we began
searching?  One day?  Two?  I have not slept since Lavender first came to
my quarters in Amber in the dead of night, and it is not quite evening
there now, but with our travel back and forth between Amber and Foil, and
now here, I'm not quite sure how many hours have passed.  In that time,
Beauty and Caitt have passed five years, isolated in Faerie.  It makes my
blood boil, just to think about it.  They were not mistreated, according
to Beauty, so long as you ignore the fact that they could not leave.  What
sort of person tears a child away from her mother like that?  What reason
could he have to do that to Lavender and Beauty and Caitt?  The cruelty of
such an act...  Lavender must deal with him soon.  I shudder to think of
what else he might try.

	I told Lavender that no good would come from Song's presence, but
she would not listen.  Some things are best left undisturbed.  Especially
sentient, demon-forged swords whose owner you've killed.  The anger it
felt towards her...  Never mind that Calamus is the one who betrayed her. 
I believe I've managed to make it understand that.  The question is, now
that it is awakened, what do we do with it?  It seems wrong to imprison it
again.  But if we do not, it must find a new owner.  A sword like this
cannot be left to it's own devices.  I shudder to think what Sequence
would do without Lavender.  So, who should be Song's new owner, then?  Not
Lavender.  I may have convinced Song to leave her be, but I doubt it has
forgiven her to that extent.  Besides, I don't think Sequence could handle
Lavender carrying Song in addition to it, if its reaction to Curetana is
any indication.  I must remember to ask Lavender if sword itself picks its
owner.  If so, I do not wish to possess it for any longer than I must,
lest it take a liking to me.

	I'm worried about Ahab.  Ever since his body was stolen from him,
he's been so bitter.  He's been growing disillusioned for several years,
but this seems to have accelerated it.  It's like he has no hope any
longer, and being without hope is a terrible thing.  I fear the things he
might do in his current state of mind.  I should try to talk to him, but
I'm not sure he'll listen to me.  He never has regarded me in the same way
since I became involved with Riftvan.  It's like I disappoint him in some
way because of that.  I wish we could get beyond that.

Amber

Evening

	Shard is...I'm not quite sure what he is.  There is a word for
it - vampire, but it is merely a label.  It does not convey the horror and
the strangeness of what Shard has become.  He has no psychic presence, not
in the way that all people do.  It's like there's nothing there, and yet,
there's something very powerful there, a presence that is like nothing
I've ever encountered.  Shard is a part of it, but it's almost like he's
just a layer of it, like there's something far more alien behind it.  His
body is dead, but yet it lives.  He breathes, he has a pulse, blood
courses through his veins, but his body heals instantly, and he needs a
new infusion of blood nightly.  I must have completely transfused him,
judging by how tired I feel.  What would he have done if I had not?  What
happens to the blood after a day, such that it no longer sustains him?  I
should obtain a blood sample from before and after he feeds.  How can he
derive sustenance from blood alone?  How can he bear to live such an
existence?  If it can be called living.  It seems worse than death.  The
body is dead, but yet the soul remains.  Or something that thinks it's the
soul.  How do I know that I am really dealing with the man I once knew? 
He acts like Shard, and claims to have his memories, but what I saw in his
mind disturbs me greatly.  I can't read his thoughts at all.  At least I
can still read his surface emotions.  His senses appear to be quite
enhanced.  He could hear the baby's heart beating.  He even heard parts of
my Trump conversation with Lavender, despite the fact it was psychic.  If
he can do this now, when he has so little experience, what will he be
capable of later?  If I was a stronger woman, I should kill him now, this
walking dead man.  But I lack the strength to kill my friend.  Gods
forgive me.

	I had hoped that I might be able to reverse his condition somehow,
but how do you reverse death?  Even if I could undo what happened to him,
would that just mean he'd die?  Lavender has heard tales that say killing
the head vampire can free others, and I remember various things from
movies, but they are Shadow tales, and bound to contain inaccuracies. 
There must be some way my magic can cure him.  I can feed him for now, but
this can't be a permanent solution.  What if I must leave Amber?  Will he
be forced to follow me, or turn to other sources?  I don't even know what
the long term effects will be of doing this.  It seemed almost an erotic
experience for him, and I felt so strange.  So...  I shouldn't feel that
way.  It's not right.  Maybe it's a side effect of the spell?  I've never
used it to generate that much blood before.  Whatever it is, I don't like
it.  It felt like his body could keep taking blood from me for as long as
I was capable of giving it.  It...hungered for it.  What happens if he
decides he needs more than I can give him?  I find myself dreading
tomorrow evening.  But what choice do I have?  If I don't feed him, he
will have to find sustenance elsewhere.  If not on people, then on
animals, and given how much blood he needs, I don't see how he could
sustain himself for long on animals alone.  I can't risk him hurting
people, if I can prevent it.

	If only I knew more about what he has become.  Riftvan probably
knows, given his fascination with creatures of myth and legend, but
Riftvan isn't back yet.  They're past due now, and no one seem to care. 
I'm beginning to fear I will never see them again.  If Riftvan is lost,
how will I go on?  I can't even reach our children.  There have often been
times when I craved a little peace and quiet, but the silence screams
their absence at me.  I miss them.  I should never have sent them away.  I
know it's safer for them to be in Faerie until the siege is over, but
still...  Where are you, my love?  Why couldn't you have taken me with
you?

	I almost used my Trump of Kalevala.  The need to know what
happened to them was so bad, that I just wanted an end to it.  It was so
tempting.  Activate the Trump, walk half a block, try to reach them.  But
it would be stupid to do it alone.  There was a trap before, there is
likely one again.  But I don't know what else to do.  I must be in the
Shadow to Trump them, but I can only enter the Shadow through a way known
to our enemy.  Unless we can gain access via the Logrus.  It would be less
than ideal, given the state it will leave me in, but it's preferable to
using a known path.  There must be someone who could help us.  But it must
wait until morning.  It's too late to disturb people, and I don't have the
strength for a fight right now.  The long day, the Logrus exposure, what I
did to Shard...  Tomorrow makes better sense.  I just hate to wait so
long, when Riftvan may be suffering.  I must find him.  There is no other
option.  I want him to be here when our child is born, this little one
that has caused me so much difficulty since her conception.  I want to
hold him again.  Oh gods, let me find him alive.  Nothing else matters if
I lose him.

	I had hoped there would be more information to be found in the
library, but I guess I shouldn't be surprised.  Two works of fiction, both
no doubt rife with inaccuracies.  We must know more about what Shard has
become, lest we find out the hard way.  I'm so tired.  The transfusion
took more out of me than I realized.  At least I shall be far too
exhausted to be troubled by dreams tonight.  Just one more chapter...