Amber, year nine, day 238 continued

	We're doomed.  Up until now, I had some hope, but...  Fiona has
control of Random, Driscoll, and gods know who else.  Corwin's army has
merged with Dara's and is nearly upon us.  And we can't get near the one
man who could undo much of this.  For the first time, I must face the fact
that Dara will probably take Amber.  Which means the children can no
longer remain here.  I don't like the thought of leaving them again so
soon, and I'll miss them terribly, but they will be safer in Faerie than
here, and in the end, that's what's important.  I wonder how much time
will pass before I see them again?  If I ever do.  I miss them already.

Chaos, the Palace

Redsky

	I am not going to be sick.  I am not going to be sick.  I am not
going to be sick.  Gods, I hope this Logrus sensitivity fades when the
Pattern is restored.  Otherwise, this pregnancy is going to be unbearable. 
I refuse be sick now, though.  Not here, in the very heart of Chaos.  I
wish the way I'm feeling wasn't so obvious, though.  The way that one
Helgram looked at me...  What's weird is seeing how they regard Riftvan. 
They respect him.  Maybe even fear him a little.  I'm not used to seeing
that.  In Amber, most people look like they simply wish he would go away,
and I'm pretty sure they only tolerate him because of me.  If they feel
that way here, they hide it well.  It's so odd to be in the Palace again. 
I never got to see very much of it after Patternfall.  The architecture is
fascinating.  It's very ornate, almost obtrusively so.  The gargoyles are
a nice touch.  Nothing like guardians that blend into the landscape.  I'd
probably appreciate it more under other circumstances.  I just wish we'd
hurry up and leave, before I get sick all over the floor here.  I'm not
even sure what exactly they're talking about anymore.

Mandorways

	Gods, that's a little better.  There doesn't seem to be nearly as
much Logrus here.  There's certainly an interesting collection of people,
though.  There's Alex, of course, who managed to fall under Fiona's
influence.  It seems he wasn't responsible for leading us into that trap,
he just backed out due to his usual cowardice.  I'm relieved by Delwin's
presence, since it means he remains free of Sand's clutches, which is
always a good thing.  Brand appears to have been through quite a bit,
recently.  I wonder what happened to his eye?  Heather looks much the same
as when I last saw her.  Was it only five years ago?  It seems much
longer, somehow.  It's odd, but most of the animosity I felt for her has
faded.  I would not call her friend, nor trust her as one, but I find no
difficulty being civil around her.  How strange.  Mandor also doesn't
appear to have changed much since his ambassadorial days, except that now
I must bow to him.  I hate that.  I really do.  I've never bowed for
Random, and I wouldn't bow for Mandor, if it wasn't for Riftvan.  Any
action of mine will reflect on him, and I care too much for him to do that
to him.  But I still hate it.  And if one more person calls me Lady
Vetch...  It makes me feel like I don't have any identity of my own
anymore, only that of his wife.  Not that I mind being his wife.  I'm the
one who insisted we get married, after all.  But that's not all I am.

	The plan seems to be taking shape.  The hard part is going to be
persuading Ahab to give up Martin's body.  I pray he can be made to see
why we need Martin.  I have more power, but Martin knows the Shadow, and
the technology, far better than I do.  It makes more sense for him to lead
the effort.  Riftvan didn't look happy that I offered to assist.  Well
that's his problem.  I won't sit idly by while everyone else goes into
danger.

Amber

Evening

	As I hoped, Ahab agreed to give up Martin's body.  I hope he
understood that he did have a choice.  I would have fought any effort to
force him into it.  Not that I could have held off Bartholomew and Alex
for long, had they chosen to insist, but I believe I could have given him
time enough to escape.  It had to be his choice.  I just hope Bartholomew
doesn't make him regret it.

	Lavender is so foolish sometimes.  It made perfect sense for her
to be worried that I'd been contaminated by Fiona, but once she accepted
the contact, it would have been too late anyway.  She did tell me about
the Alka-Seltzer, though, something I am supremely grateful for.  I only
wish I'd had some before Alex and Martin arrived.  Hopefully, they chalked
it up to seasickness.  At least I didn't throw up on Gerard.  He's pissed
as hell right now as it is.  I don't want to be anywhere in the vicinity
when they finally cut him loose.

	I'm going to kill Riftvan.  Damn it, if he had a problem with my
going, he could have said something, instead of just arbitrarily leaving
me behind.  I should have guessed what he was going to do when he said he
could handle Martin.  The sad thing is, I'm not really surprised.  But
that doesn't make me any less angry.  He's taking the greatest risk in
what he's doing.  I just wanted to be there to help him if it was
necessary.  Why is it acceptable for him to risk his life, but I can't
risk mine?

	I know the answer to that.  It's because of the child I carry.  At
least I'm sure that's part of it.  Riftvan can shift Martin into a Faerie
if he falls under the enemy's control, but he can't do that to me.  Not
now.  And I could be used far more effectively against him than Martin
can.  That risk outweighs the aid I could give Martin.  I understand that,
now that I've thought about it.  If Riftvan had bothered to at least
discuss this with me, I would have agreed to remain here.  But no, the man
who's always advocating rational discussion had to just leave me behind
without a word.  He had no right to make such a unilateral decision.  I'm
half tempted to follow them.  I have a Trump of the place, after all.  But
I can't, for all the reasons why I couldn't go in the first place. 
Following them would be an act of irrational stupidity.  And I like to
believe I'm smarter than that.

	That did not go well.  I knew it wouldn't.  He was wrong about one
thing, though.  My marriage to Riftvan has nothing to do with this.  Or
maybe it did, but not in the sense he meant.  I find some uneasy parallels
between Lavender's life and my own, and I did not wish for her to suffer
the things that I did.  I keep telling myself that it was better for him
to learn of what I did now, than to find out years down the road.  He
would only be angrier then.  But part of me wishes I hadn't told him, just
the same.  The truth hurts.  It would be so easy to just give up on that
ideal.  Where has it gotten me, anyway?  The universe seems to reward
dishonesty, and punish honesty.  Look at what happened to Ahab.  He didn't
abuse the power he had, and had his body stolen for his troubles.  If I
had pretended nothing happened, things would have proceeded as before. 
Foster even admitted that he couldn't tell if it was me or the computer. 
Gods, how could I have mistaken his mind for a computer file?  I still
don't understand it.  One is living, one is not.  How can I notice the
difference between a contacting a personality chip and the real thing, but
not pick up on this?  It hardly matters now.  The damage is done.

	I find myself almost looking forward to the coming battle. 
Fighting seems to be the only thing I'm good at.  At least the only person
I can hurt then, other than the enemy, is myself.