Shadow, year nine, day 223 continued

	I can feel the Pattern.  Well, more like what it feels like when
I'm near the Pattern.  It must be the shard we're looking for.  I wonder
why I can sense it?  I never have before.  Perhaps the loss of the Pattern
has made me more sensitive to such things.

	I should have known it was a trap.  Ariadne's presence threw me
off, though.  I wasn't expecting her to betray us.  Why is she doing this? 
There's no hope of getting everyone out.  We might have pulled it off
without the gas, but...  I don't know how much longer I can hold my
breath.  I'm afraid I'll hurt the baby.  At least Lavender remained
outside.  I hope she manages to get help.  Someone has to make it out, or
we are lost.

Shadow, year nine, day ?

Evening

	I'm alive!  And the baby is too, from the sound of it.  I can hear
her heart beating along with mine.  Which shouldn't be possible if she's
still only a few days old.  How much time has passed?  It sounds like I'm
in some sort of lab.  This is not where I expected to wake up.  I didn't
expect to wake up at all.  I know I was shot in the back of the head, and
that has a tendency to be fatal.  I don't even remember hitting the
ground.  From what I've heard, my captors are performing all sorts of
tests on me, and I fear I have had one of those cursed devices placed in
me as well.  There's something in my mind...  I swore I'd die before I'd
allow this to be done to me, and I could still end my life.  But I can
hear my child's heartbeat, and I can't bear to stop it.

	I hate this waiting.  It's hard not to give in to despair.  I keep
thinking about the baby, wondering what they've done to her.  Wondering if
they've hurt her.  These devices aren't helping matters, either.  I've
inserted countless catheters, but I never realized just how uncomfortable
they are.  It's difficult to just lie here, when I have this urge to rip
all of these things out of me.  At least I know that seven of the others
are still alive.  But there were ten of us.  I hope that I'm not the last
in the numbering sequence.

Kalevala, year nine, day 237

Night

	I've been unconscious for two weeks!  How much time has passed in
Amber?  Have they even missed us yet?  Thankfully, the baby seems to be
all right, but to do an amnio so early on....  If they had their way, none
of us would have ever regained consciousness.  And I never would have
known my child.  They were going to take her away from me!  Bastards, all
of them.

	This is amazing!  Felix is awake, and I felt him try to free
himself.  Not only that, but I can speak to him!  I can speak to all of
them.  Well, the ones that are awake.  I can tell which ones aren't too. 
Everyone's accounted for accept for Lavender and Rinaldo.  Where could
they be?  Why would there be no record of them?  Even if they were killed,
there should be some record of it.  Did Ariadne capture them?

	The information Driscoll gave me - it's almost overwhelming, but I
think I'm getting the hang of this.  There's so much I have access to. 
Alarms, video cameras, readouts, locks, more information than I can
conceive of.  And I just have to think to access it.  It's incredible! 
I've never experienced anything like it before.  There's something
intoxicating about it.  For once, my mind seems to be useful for
something, other than forcing Trump calls.

	I guess Foster's recent revelation about his real age bothered me
more than I suspected.  I downloaded some of his memory files.  I had to
know if he was the one who poisoned Murine.  And if he had any other
secrets that would hurt Lavender and Felix.  If Lavender is going to marry
him, she shouldn't have to always be wondering what else he hasn't told
her.  Nor should Felix.  Plus, I was hoping to find out more about
Riftvan.  I still know so little about him.  Unfortunately, Foster doesn't
know much about him, either.  I suspected that would be the case.  Riftvan
shares very little of himself with anyone, even me.  It's going to take me
a little while to sort what I found out.  At least I know that Foster
isn't the one who poisoned Murine, even though she isn't his mother.  And
he does love Lavender.  There don't seem to be any other secrets that can
hurt her.  Or Felix, other than the one about Murine.  Foster has to tell
him about that.  He has a right to know that the woman he cared for is not
the amnesiac who's living in Amber.

Kalevala, year nine, day 238

Early morning

	Martin's body is one big hormone.  Either that, or Ahab's marital
resolve has lessened over the years.  First there was his reaction to me,
and now this.  It's no worse than what they did to us, but it's a hell of
a thing to do to Kimdyl.  I wish I understood what possessed him to do
that.

	I finally found Lavender.  It seems that the mastermind behind our
incarceration is currently in possession of Ahab's body, including his
power.  Apparently he's sent Corwin to take the throne from Random.  As if
we don't have enough problems with Dara's army.  Thank the gods that my
family does not have Pattern.  All the same, I feel much better now that
I've warned Riftvan.  We've been gone from Amber for a week.  I haven't
been separated from the children for that long since our honeymoon.  I
wonder if anyone had gone looking for us yet?

	What puzzles me is why Rinaldo claimed that all Trumps were
blocked when we first entered this Shadow.  Was he working with our
mystery man to lead us into his trap?  Is that why we can't find him? 
Ahab is the one who figured out that Trumping those outside of this place
would work.  He can draw Trump now, too, a skill I was not aware that
Martin possessed.  And Dworkin claimed that drawing Trumps was not in my
blood.  I don't think anything that bastard told me turned out to be true.

	Foster is being brought to us.  It's time to go.  But a parting
gift or two before we leave.  It should be some time before they learn
that we weren't killed in the explosion.  If we're lucky, they'll never
know.  There's not much left at ground zero in these things.  Well, they
wanted a war...  There may not have been a formal declaration, but
drugging people and using them as lab rats amounts to the same thing, as
far as I'm concerned.

Amber, year nine, day 238 continued (Thursday, April 27, 2994)

Evening

	We've made it home.  So now what do I do?  I swore I would die
before I allowed this to happen, but I did not have that option, and now
it is too late.  The thing is already in me.  The question is, can I let
it go?  I don't know.  I've never had that much power before.  It
frightens me.  I destroyed an entire hospital, and gods know what else,
with barely more effort than it takes to breathe.  And I downloaded the
information from Foster without a second thought.  Oh, my reasons were
noble enough.  I just wanted to make sure he wouldn't hurt Felix and
Lavender any more.  But I didn't even stop to think about whether I should
be doing it.  Because it was too easy.  I begin to see the insidious
nature of this device.  It makes everything too easy.  I'm afraid that if
I keep this thing, I won't be the same person anymore.  But without it,
what am I?  Just an Amberite who couldn't even manage to fight her way out
of an ambush.  I could never have escaped without it.  I didn't think it
would be so hard to give up.  What hubris I had to condemn Martin, when I
had no understanding of what was involved.  The gods are surely punishing
me now for my arrogance.

	I wish I had never gone to that cursed Shadow.  I wish none of us
had gone there.  We sought Martin's body, and third piece of the Jewel. 
We failed.  Miserably.  Yes, we recovered Martin's body, but we lost so
much more than that was worth.  Ahab's body.  Rinaldo.  Lyss.  The Jewel
fragments already in our possession.  Two weeks of our lives.  Perhaps
even Alex, although I suspect he simply backed out at the last minute.  I
suppose we are fortunate we woke up at all.  How long would it have been
before anyone found us there?  With Pattern not working, and Trump into
the place most likely blocked?  We still don't have any idea where Rinaldo
is.

	We must get Ahab's body back.  The fact that the man who possesses
it has Felix's pin is going to make that a difficult task.  What puzzles
me is why he chose to leave us in Kalevala.  He could simply have
commanded us to follow him.  Why didn't he?  And why was Ariadne helping
him?  There are too many unknowns in this.  We don't even know who we're
facing.  Our only lead is the fact that we know he has some Amber blood,
he wants Corwin on the throne, and, somehow, he knew what Ahab was capable
of.  Could he be Merlin?  I haven't seen him in some time, and he is
Dara's son...

	None of this helps us fight him.  We need to find a way to
deactivate Pattern in people, or otherwise they'll fall under his control. 
Is it enough to simply not hear the command?  Ahab and I were going to
test this at one point, but then Riftvan got sick, and I had four infants
to raise, and we never really got around to it.  Changing people to
Faeries should work, but I don't think that's an option for Lavender and
I.  Shifting on that large a scale during a pregnancy, including a change
in blood type...  I don't want to risk my child in such a manner if it can
be avoided.  I could have killed her on this mission, and for what?  I was
so damn eager to prove that I can still risk my neck with the others, that
I lost sight of the fact that it's not just my neck that I'm risking.  But
I couldn't stay behind, either.  How could I live with myself, if my
inaction cost the life of Lavender, or Ahab, or Driscoll, or Felix?  I may
not have a choice in this coming battle, though.  We can't risk letting
anyone with Pattern near our enemy.  Which means that, unless we find
another way to block his power, Lavender and I must sit this one out. 
Galling though that may be.