Amber, year nine, day 222 continued

	I'm beginning to recall why we don't usually live in the castle. 
There are too many damn interruptions!  At least whoever knocked at the
door had the good sense to leave.  Not Lavender.  Why does she always seem
to Trump me when I'm making love?  She has even worse timing than Shard. 
And for what?  To view the body of some wretched creature that somehow
houses Martin's soul?  A body she thought was dead, even though it was
breathing, all because Bart removed the device in which Martin's soul
resides and couldn't figure out how to put it back?  What did she think I
could do?  There was nothing wrong with the body that I could heal.  The
whole thing was like some sad comedy, and under other circumstances I
probably would have found it amusing.  Riftvan certainly did.

	This whole business with Martin disturbs me greatly.  How can
one's soul be encoded on a computer chip?  How can something so intrinsic
to your very being be broken down into numbers and symbols?  It shouldn't
be possible.  And yet, it seems to be, at least in some Shadows.  I do not
think I ever wish to visit any of these places.  There is something
inherently wrong about the whole idea.  I've noticed the jacks that Martin
and Driscoll have, but it never occurred to me that they could be used for
such an evil purpose.  Why would anyone allow themselves to be...
mutilated in such a fashion?  And then not protect themselves against
someone stealing their souls?  What was Martin thinking?  Even if we
reunite the device which contains his soul with his body, how can it truly
be him anymore?  Perhaps all we'll have is a program that thinks it's
Martin.  Gods above, I will die before I allow such to be done to me.

	Ahab has finally seen the light where Nicholas is concerned.  He
seemed genuinely puzzled as to how it happened.  I told him before, the
boy worships him.  Of course he took Ahab's words to heart over whatever
his mother told him.  No matter.  What's important is that Ahab finally
realizes that there's a problem, and has come up with a decent plan to
deal with it.  I hope it works.  The boys are going to be right pissed
when they realize how Nicholas has been using them.

	It would seem that Foster is a great deal older than we suspected. 
I always thought he seemed old for his age, and we've all joked about how
he was more mature than his father, but I never imagined that he was older
than I am.  It would seem that Foster shares more traits with Riftvan than
I had guessed.  Lavender is quite upset about this, to the point of
irrationality.  She's even blaming me, because of my marriage to Riftvan. 
I'm getting tired this.  I'm sorry that her lover turned out to be older
than she knew, but, trust me, there were far worse things that could have
happened.  How would she like it if Foster turned out to be someone else
entirely?  Well, she'll deal with it, or she'll find someone else. 
Driscoll, no doubt, will be right there waiting if she decides that she
can't handle it.  I'm more worried about how Felix will take this.  I
remember how upset he was when he learned he had a ten-year-old son.  What
will he do when he learns that his son was really 60 at that time?  No
wonder Foster remained so fixated on Laughter.  It wasn't a teenage crush
at all.  Well, that should eliminate one of Lavender's concerns.  There
can be no doubt now that he knows what he's doing.  I suppose this means
that his crush on me was simply good acting.  Oh well.  One thing about
all of this puzzles me.  When Foster took the Logrus, Kimdyl felt that he
was affected more than usual because of his youth.  If he wasn't really
that young, why did he have such difficulty?  Was it his Amber blood?  Or
was Kimdyl in on the ruse as well?  Maybe all people are so affected after
taking the Logrus.

	Lovely.  In order for Foster to leave House Vetch, he has to
attack Riftvan.  Not in any planned duel, of course.  This being a house
of assassins, it has to be a surprise attack.  And when will he probably
choose to make this attack?  When Riftvan and I are making love, of
course.  As if Lavender's perpetual interruptions weren't bad enough.  And
I'm supposed to suppress my normal reaction to such an attack, stand
aside, and watch the two of them tear into each other, with my children in
the next room?  I hope Foster chooses some other time.  Because if he does
not, he's going to have to deal with me once he and Riftvan are through
with each other.  And I won't be in a pleasant mood.

	There's just one.  I can still hardly bring myself to believe it. 
I'm so relieved.  One child I can handle.  It was such an odd feeling, to
be in contact with Riftvan while he checked.  It was like he was
communicating directly with my body.  In a way, it felt much like what I
feel when I heal someone.  I wonder if there's a connection?  I hope this
child is a girl.  It would be so nice to have another one.  There are too
many men in this family right now.  Gods, this is such a load off of my
mind.  Now I won't have to be confined to bed for months, or worry about
going into early labor.  Just a nice, normal, single pregnancy.  At least
I pray it will be normal.  I'm still concerned about how sick I've been
getting.  I hope this doesn't mean there's something wrong with the baby.

	Lavender is two for two today in terms of timing.  I give up.  Now
she wants to attack Foster!  When is this lunacy going to end?  Apparently
she's decided that smacking him a few times wasn't enough to satisfy her,
so her solution is to ambush a trained assassin.  And I thought Ahab had a
death wish!  What if Foster kills her?  Riftvan seems to think she has
some shifting ability, even if she doesn't agree, which ought to help.  At
least I pray it will.  There's not much else I can do, other than listen
for trouble.  If I warn Foster, so he won't kill her by accident, Lavender
will probably be even more upset with him, leaving things worse than
before.  She seemed convinced that she had to do this.  I just wish she'd
settled on some other manner of retribution.

	Ahab's meeting with the children went well enough.  As I expected,
most of them were not pleased with what they learned, and I suspect
Vivienne will break Nicholas' nose before this is over.  I think we've
convinced them not to go overboard, though.  Being Ahab's son, Nicholas
would probably only be encouraged by physical pain.  I'm much more
concerned about Ahab's "daughter."  She looks dreadful, and it bothers me
that there's nothing I can do for her.  If we do not put the Jewel back
together soon, I fear she will not survive.

Amber, year nine, day 223 (Thursday, April 20, 2994)

Early morning

	Amazingly, there were no interruptions this time.  A cosmic
slip-up somewhere, I'm sure.  Well, there were Lavender's little
explosions, but all those interrupted was sleep.  Mine, and that of half
the castle.  Ahab was not pleased.  I wasn't particularly happy about it
either, but at least Lavender survived her little escapade.  Ahab had
every right to be irritated, though.  Given the state of war we are in,
the last thing we need is explosions inside the castle at two in the
morning.  I imagine that neither she nor Foster are going to be very
popular with the guards for quite some time.  I hope the two of them have
made up after all of this.

Morning

	Lyss has somehow been absorbed by the Jewel, or at least by the
two fragments we have retrieved so far.  I don't understand how, but she
managed to fuse the fragments together, and she seems to be better off in
there.  At least she doesn't seem so weak anymore.  I just hope she will
be able to leave the Jewel once it is reformed.

	Driscoll has asked me to help retrieve the next shard.  They are
using Trump to get to its location, and Riftvan can watch the children, so
there's no reason I can't go.  But I am concerned.  The shard is in the
same Shadow where Martin lost his body, a Shadow of high technology,
possibly no magic, and, worst of all, fairly close to Chaos.  I am loath
to go to any place where they can rip the soul out of your body, and the
Shadow's proximity to Chaos doesn't help matters.  If Dara doesn't know
the shard is there now, she will when a group of Amberites suddenly
arrive.

	To be honest, I'm not sure I won't be more of a liability than an
asset.  If magic doesn't work, than my healing ability probably won't
either, although perhaps it is different enough so as not to be affected. 
And then there's my nausea.  So long as there is no Logrus present, it
shouldn't be as bad as it was in Lazarus, but I can hardly count on that
as near to Chaos as we'll be.  Even without the Logrus, I am hardly at my
best while I am affected, and my herbal remedies don't seem to be having
much affect.  I was hoping Riftvan could help, but he doesn't know of
anything else I can try.  He says I'm the first wife he's had who's been
sick like this.  I find this less than comforting.

	I wonder how many times he's been married?  It doesn't sound like
any of his wives died particularly pleasantly.  It must be terrible to
lose someone you love over and over again like that.  Assuming he loved
them.  He must have loved some of them, though.  I guess it would explain
why he was so reluctant to admit to loving me.

	At any rate, he can't help me with my morning sickness, either. 
At least I haven't eaten in quite a while, so there won't be much to throw
up.  I can only hope that we are able to accomplish this retrieval
quickly, before I get sick again.  I don't want to play the weak, pregnant
female.  I'm surprised that Felix isn't kicking up more of a fuss about
Lavender's presence on the mission, given his usual attitude about such
things.  I'm glad I haven't told him about my pregnancy.  I haven't told
many people at all, now that I think about it.  I keep meaning to tell
Ahab, but there hasn't really been a good time for it.  First we were
rescuing Driscoll, then his wife was hurt...  Maybe when all of this is
over.

	It's time to go.  So soon...  I hate doing this.  I hate leaving
my children, and I hate leaving my husband.  It is necessary, I understand
that, but I hate it all the same.  What if this is the last time that I
see them?  Traveling so close to Chaos, where Dara and the Logrus hold
sway...  If so, I hope they remember me fondly.  I have no regrets, other
than in leaving them.