Amber, year nine, day 222 (Wednesday, April 19, 2994)

Midday

	I can't believe I slept so late.  I thought the children would
wake me up before now, but they're being so quiet.  Not that I'm
complaining.  At least I don't feel sick this morning.  Maybe it was just
a one time thing, brought on by the Logrus, and all I needed was some rest
and time away from it.  I hope so.  I hate being sick.

	Kimdyl remains unconscious, and she seems to be retreating from
Ahab.  I assume it's due to her losing the Logrus.  I don't quite
understand that.  We've all lost the Pattern, and while I can't say I
enjoy it, it hasn't made me withdraw from the world entirely.  Perhaps
it's more difficult when it's removed instead of just deactivated, but
Rinaldo seems to be handling it well.  Maybe Kimdyl was more dependent on
the Logrus.  She and Ahab make quite a pair in that regard, given how much
he tends to rely on the Pattern.  At least Foster is conscious and seems
to be doing well enough.  Actually, he's doing better than Lavender, who
is suffering from her own bout of morning sickness.  I gave her something
to help ease the discomfort, but she still wasn't happy.  She actually
Trumped Fiona looking for something better.  Personally, I would have
asked Caitt first. She's more likely to be sympathetic.

Afternoon

	Ooh, that man can be irritating.  All I did was find my book of
baby names, and he pulls a disappearing act.  What is his problem?  If
he's so happy about this child, why does he vanish as soon as I do
anything regarding it?  Well, fine.  If he doesn't want any say in their
names, then so be it.  Damn him.

	I really like Alana as a name for a girl, but it sounds so similar
to Jalana that I'm afraid it would be too confusing.  Maybe Aleta, after
Mother.  The mother who raised me, I mean.  I don't know about boy's names
yet.  I think I'll wait until I know how many names I need to come up
with.  That shouldn't be too long, assuming Riftvan bothers to come back
anytime soon.  It's bad enough that he has to be gone so often, but he
could at least do me the courtesy of saying goodbye.

	Now that was an interesting Trump call.  Lavender wants to know if
handfasting counts as marriage in Chaos.  I don't think it should, but
it's so hard to tell with Chaos laws.  I guess Laughter is having second
thoughts.  I really should talk with her.  She's been through a lot in the
past week, and I think she needs to take a deep breath and slow down for a
little while.  Although I doubt Dara and the Hendrakes will allow any of
us much chance for that.  There's no reason why Lavender has to get
married right away, though.  It would be convenient if handfasting doesn't
count as marriage in Chaos.  That way, Foster doesn't go against Mandor's
orders, and they have a year to decide if they truly wish to be married to
each other for life.  I doubt things will turn out to be that simple,
though.

	I reviewed some of my notes on multiple personalities, and it's as
hopeless as I feared.  There's nothing I can do to help Mother.  There's
nothing anyone can do, really.  The damage has already been done, and
nothing I try will change that.  I suppose I've been expecting this, but
at least before I thought there was a chance she would improve.  Now I
know she'll never really get better.  Gods, all I want is a parent that's
normal.  One who at least remembers me.  Is that so much to ask?  Lavender
is so lucky.  She has three parents, and they all seem to care about her. 
Even Mandor, in his own odd way.  I wish my parents were still alive.  Or
my father.  I really regret that I never got to know him. Assuming the man
I saw in Mother's mind was my father, and not just another figment of
Mother's imagination.

	I'm starting to feel sick again.  Gods, this is intolerable!  How
am I supposed to help defend Amber if this keeps happening to me?  I'm of
no use to anyone like this.  No use at all.

	Kimdyl is no longer in the infirmary, which means either she
recovered and left on her own, or someone moved her.  From the expression
on Ahab's face when I told him, that someone wasn't him.  I hope he's able
to find her, but I don't feel up to helping him search.  My presence
wouldn't help matters, anyway.  Kimdyl stills seems to dislike me, after
all.  I wish she'd get over that.

	I seem to be ending this day in much the same manner as I ended
the last one: sick and exhausted.  I didn't think that healing
Clytemnestra would take so much out of me.  I knew it wouldn't be easy, as
she's easily the largest creature I've ever tried to heal, but the wound
was small enough that I hoped I could handle it.  I don't know how she
managed to fly Driscoll back here.  The pain must have been incredible.  I
couldn't let her suffer like that, not when I could help her.  It was a
near thing, though.  I think I blacked out briefly at the end.  When
Driscoll caught me, I wasn't even sure I'd been successful.  This
pregnancy certainly isn't helping matters.  If only I could just lay eggs
like Clytemnestra suggested.  I doubt I'd be having this much difficulty
if I didn't feel so sick.  I slept for almost twelve hours, yet I have no
energy at all.  I don't think I can stay awake much longer.  It took all I
had to walk in here on my own, but I didn't want the children to see me
carried in by Driscoll.  Jalana was worried enough as it was.  At least
she's sleeping now, and the boys seem convinced enough by my threat to
keep relatively quiet.  So long as they don't realize that I haven't the
strength to enforce it right now.  I should probably try to eat something,
but I'm not sure I could keep anything down right now.  Besides, I don't
want to wake Jalana up.  I'll just rest here for a little while.  The
chair is so comfortable...

Evening

	Mmmmm, now that's the way I like to wake up.  I suppose we did
look kind of cute.  And he did have a good reason for taking off. 
Although, *I* wasn't the one who asked him to talk to Mandor, that was
Lavender's request.  Pity Mandor's in no mood to be bothered right now. 
Perhaps it's just as well.  The point should be moot now, since Riftvan is
letting Foster go.  I wonder how long it will take Mandor to come up with
a new excuse once he learns of this?  Assuming Lavender still wants to
marry the boy. 

	He wants to name the baby after me.  Well, sort of.  I don't
know...  It seems so pretentious to name your child after yourself, even
to that extent.  It is a pretty name, though, and he seems to like it. 
We'll see.  I wish I knew how many there are going to be.  Only one? 
Twins, like last time?  More?  Gods, I hope not.  I can't carry more than
two to anything close to term.  It must be so much easier to be a
shapeshifter.