Amber, year nine, day 220 continued

	I'm glad I'm out of there.  There's nothing more disturbing than
being surrounded by the Logrus.  And it's not as though I was contributing
anything with my presence.  Until Kimdyl and Alex stop for a breather, we
can't Trump to Lazarus.  Given that, I think I'd rather wait in Amber.  At
least there's no Logrus here.

	Foster has managed to find a way to walk again.  Apparently he's
using those roller blades of his as legs.  I knew they were capable of
changing their shape, but this is far more complex than just becoming a
set of footwear.  From the sound of it, the blades are sentient.  They
must be, for this to work.  How else could he get them to move properly? 
They do seem to be working marvelously well, but I still intend to keep
working on a way to regenerate his legs.  I keep wondering what the catch
is.  If this is such an effective solution, why hasn't Benedict used
something similar for his arm?

	Poor Lavender.  She means well enough, but sometimes...  It's as
though she says whatever first pops into her head, without considering it
at all.  It's going to get her into trouble some day.  If she was anything
like she was today when she talked to Mandor, I'm not surprised things
didn't go very well.  She has had a rough time of it lately, though.  Her
pregnancy, that damned Shadow of Calamus, not to mention everything that's
happened to Foster.  I hope Riftvan can convince Mandor to allow her
marriage to go through.  She deserves some good news.  Assuming she really
wants to get married.  From the way Foster was acting, it seems she didn't
try to talk Mandor out of his decision at all.  If she really wants to
marry Foster, why did she give up so easily?  This worries me.  If she's
so uncertain about this marriage, she should wait until she's worked
things out before proceeding.  Once she is married it will be too late to
change her mind.

Lazarus

Evening

	Gods, I have never felt so sick in my entire life.  The Logrus
usually doesn't affect me this badly.  It must be the loss of the Pattern. 
Thank the gods that Lavender stopped Foster.  I think I would have thrown
up for sure.  I hope Kimdyl finds that damn shard soon.

	I really don't understand why everyone is so afraid of riding
dragons.  Foster, I can understand.  But the others...  It's such an
amazing experience, you'd think they'd enjoy it.  Poor Shard looked so
nervous...  At least Kimdyl has finally stopped using the Logrus.  If this
happy condition continues, and I get some rest, maybe my stomach will
finally settle down.

	I wasn't imagining things after all.  Bart has detected a Chaosite
in the city.  Actually, he detected two more in the Shadow than he
expected, but the other one was Lavender.  I wonder who the Chaosite is? 
Not that it really matters.  They must be here for the shard.  I just hope
we beat them to it.

Night

	I thought I'd feel better once I lay down, but sleep is proving
elusive.  I hate sleeping alone, and being sandwiched between the two
couples isn't helping.  It's not that they're loud, I can't really hear
much more than murmuring.  But, it's just enough, especially since I've
got so much on my mind.  I'm afraid that it may not just be the Logrus
that's making me sick.  I think I'll go up to the battlements for a while. 
Maybe some fresh air will help.

Lazarus, year nine, day 221 (Lazarian year 3421)

Early morning

	Brand is here.  Gods, who's next?  Sand?  I suppose he's after the
shard.  What worries me is that he's near Driscoll.  What are we going to
do if he tries to stop us?  He's way out of our league.  But we can't just
leave Driscoll here.  Or the shard.

	I just want the world to stop spinning now.  I should have known
Kimdyl would do that sooner or later.  I'm glad Shard was feeling so
chivalrous.  I don't know if I could have made it into Foster's room on my
own, and I felt so embarrassed lying in the hallway.  What is wrong with
me?  It can't be morning sickness.  I never felt this sick when I was
carrying Morgan and Jalana.  Not even the one time that I threw up.  It
must be something else.

	Rinaldo has spoken with Brand, and things are not as bad as they
seemed.  From the sound of it, Brand's actions of late have not been of
his own free will, but he seems to be free of whatever Dara was using to
influence him.  Could it have been the Jewel itself?  Brand also told
Rinaldo that the shard is in the hands of the dragon-slayers, and they're
using it to power a giant laser cannon of some kind.  Which means that
both of our goals lie in the same place, but retrieving them is going to
be more difficult than we thought.  At least we found out about the cannon
before the attack took place.  That would have been a disaster.

	OK, so now I'm hungry.  There's nothing unusual about that.  I
threw up everything that was in my stomach, so it's only natural for me to
feel hungry.  So what if Lavender felt the same way?  I'm sure it's just a
coincidence.

Morning

	It would seem that Driscoll has another daughter, this one by the
Shadow of Lavender that he fed to Ironclaw.  She looks very much like
Lavender, except for the eyes.  The hate I saw there...  I guess it's to
be expected, given what Driscoll did to her mother and her people.  I
don't have much sympathy for either side in this case.  It reminds me a
lot of Lavender's Shadow, two races hating each other for so long that
they've forgotten the reasons why.  It's such a waste.

	Those incredibly short-sighted idiots!  They had to go ahead with
the attack on the dragon-slayers.  They couldn't possibly accept our help. 
We're only humans.  Never mind that we're blood relatives of Driscoll. 
And that we have weapons at our disposal which they do not.  They had to
go ahead on their own.  And they've suffered for it.  I don't even want to
guess how many they must have lost when they ran into the dragon-slayers'
laser cannon.  Didn't they do any kind of reconnaissance?  So many deaths,
and for what?  Driscoll is still imprisoned.

	Gods curse this sickness of mine!  Someone has infused this Shadow
with the Logrus, and it's all I can do to keep going.  I'm useless as far
as the rescue attempt is concerned.  Relegated to communications and
pulling everyone out at the end.  What good am I like this?  I've got to
talk to Clytemnestra.  I need to know for sure, one way or the other.

	I'm pregnant.  Clytemnestra confirmed it.  How can this be?  I've
been sterile for most of my life.  When did I become so fertile?  What am
I going to do?  I can barely keep up with the children I have.  How am I
going to take care of more?

Amber (Tuesday, April 18, 2994)

Night

	Our plan actually worked.  We have Driscoll, and I managed to heal
the harm that was done to him.  And we obtained the shard.  But Foster and
Kimdyl have lost the Logrus.  I feel badly for them, especially Foster. 
At least Kimdyl can try to take the Logrus again, once things settle down
a bit.  But Foster has a Pattern imprint now.  Unless he takes the Logrus
before the Jewel is reformed, I'm not sure he can ever take it again.  The
thing that nearly split him from his father, that he wanted so badly that
he took it far too young, is most likely lost to him forever.  And so soon
after the loss of his legs.  This will be far harder for him than Kimdyl. 
Not that I expect her to take the news well.  And, I must admit, there's a
part of me that feels a little bit of satisfaction at what happened to
her, given what she did to me.  It's petty, but I can't help it.

	Unfortunately, this leaves Alex as the only one who can help the
others search for the remaining shards.  And, so long as they use Logrus
for transport, I cannot accompany them.  I was virtually useless for
anything but strategy and healing on this last mission.  I hate that. 
What if I'd been alone?  How can I possibly be of any use if I'm puking my
guts out?  Damn, but this pregnancy is ill timed!

	Riftvan was happy about it, of course.  He doesn't have to deal
with the sickness, the bed rest, the months of looking and feeling like a
beached whale.  He told me that it's been a while since there was a woman
he wanted to have children with.  I almost asked him if that included
Sand, but I couldn't hurt him that way, not for telling me that he loved
me.  Besides, I don't think what happened with Sand was exactly voluntary
on his part.  I certainly don't think he intended to have children with
her.

	If the Jewel's shattering was truly responsible for this
pregnancy, I'm probably carrying twins again.  I hope it's only twins.  I
couldn't possibly handle more.  I don't even know how I'll handle two.  At
least I'll know the answer in a couple of days.

	I should find out when Driscoll is returning to Lazarus.  I'd like
to go back and thank Clytemnestra and Mercury for their help.  And someone
should find Battlestar.  Poor dog.  Stuck in a Shadow full of dragons.  I
really don't understand why everyone is so afraid of them.  Maybe having
been one helps.  I'll miss that.  I suspect I won't be flying again until
after the children are born.  Nine months would place the due date in mid-
January, right around when Shannon and Vincent were born.  It'll probably
be sooner, though, maybe even close to Morgan and Jalana's birthday.  It's
funny how all my children seem to be born around the same time.

	OK, now that I'm getting used to the idea, I'll admit, it's not
all that bad.  I just don't like surprises.  I can't wait until I can
sense them inside me.  I wonder if they'll look more like Riftvan this
time?  They won't be half-faerie, though.  At least, I don't think they
will.  Knowing Riftvan, it wouldn't surprise me to learn otherwise.  It
just seems so strange.  I was barren for over forty years.  To have so
many children now...  Even for Amberites it is strange.  The most they
ever seem to have is two, and never so close together.  Except for Oberon. 
What will people think when the news gets out?  No matter.  It's far
preferable to never having children again.