Amber, year nine, day 219 (Sunday, April 16)

Afternoon

	It's gone!  But that's impossible!  How could it be gone and Amber
still be here?  Riftvan thinks that something happened to the Jewel, and
he's gone to investigate it.  He offered to stay.  Did I want him to?  Of
course.  But I couldn't ask him to, not when I didn't *need* him to be
here.  If it weren't for the children, I would have liked to go with him. 
Of course, he probably would have said no, but...

	It feels so odd to be without the Pattern.  When Rygat trapped
Dworkin, Pattern didn't work, but I could still feel it.  And when I was a
Faerie, everything was different:  my height, my build, my facial
structure, my blood, my entire being...  The Pattern just didn't belong,
so how could I miss it?  But this time, it's different.  I am exactly as I
was before, except I'm not.  I can think of no way other way to describe
it.  It's not the loss of its power.  I never use that anyway.  How long
has it been since I've shifted Shadow?  Not since before the children were
born.  I've been *in* Shadow since then, but I always came and went via
Trump or magic.  What's missing is more subtle than just the ability to
mold Shadow.  It's almost as if a piece of me were gone, and it's hard to
ignore the gap where it used to be.

	I feel so tired.  It seems everyone with Pattern was affected by
whatever happened.  I was one of the lucky ones.  What if I'd been
worrying about Sand instead of missing Riftvan?  Look at what happened to
Foster.  He lost both of his legs to a dragon.  My magic was able to heal
the damage, but I could not restore what was lost.  I've never actually
healed an injury that serious before.  I wasn't sure I could.  Gods, I
feel so badly for him.  I couldn't stand it if I lost my legs.  If I
couldn't fight, or defend my children, what good would I be?  There must
be some way I can help him.  Right now, I simply don't have the skill, but
I will.

	It seems that Felix took the news of Foster's engagement and
impending fatherhood rather poorly.  He actually punched one of the castle
walls!  Naturally, he broke his hand.  I don't understand why he's so
angry about this.  I know he feels that Foster is too young to be a
father, and that he's too young to be a grandfather, but what's done is
done.  News of a new life should not be a bad thing.  Although now is not
the best time to be pregnant.  I do not envy Lavender.  At least I was
able to heal Felix's hand.  He wanted to know how I did it.  I wish I
could tell him.  It took me five years to figure it out myself, and it's
not something I can easily verbalize.  He also wanted to know if I could
cause things to mend improperly.  I've never thought about it before, and
I'm not sure I could bring myself to try something like that.  Not unless
I was very angry.

	Riftvan was right.  Something did happen to the Jewel.  The
unicorn shattered it.  How did the creature get it from Dara?  I don't
know.  It's not important now.  If everyone with Pattern was affected,
then where is Mother?  And what about Sand?  Is she free as well?  Oh
gods, she must be.  There's this cold feeling in the pit of my stomach
that just won't go away.  I knew this day would come, that she wouldn't
stay locked up forever.  I argued this point back when we first went after
her.  But Random wouldn't listen, and now she's free.  And the worst part
is, if she comes after the children, I don't know what I can do to stop
her.  She captured me so easily before.  Ahab's rounding up one of his
posses to hunt down the Jewel fragments, but I did not offer to join them. 
I can't leave the children.  Not with Riftvan gone.  Not with Sand free. 
Not with an army on its way.  I could never forgive myself if something
happened to them while I was gone.  And, if things go badly, I'd rather my
last days were spent with them than running around in Shadow on a
scavenger hunt.

	She broke my nose!  Damn the woman to the depths of Haldor's
domain!  I save her from being burned at the stake, I try to heal her, and
she hits me!  What did she want me to do, leave the damn bolt in her
shoulder?  Why are people always trying to break my nose?

	She doesn't remember me.  Not at all.  I called her Mother, and
she asked me who I was.  I can't deal with this right now.  Gods, let the
children at least be all right.

	From what Felix told me, both Gerard and Random were aware of
Mother's multiple personalities.  When were they planning on telling me of
this?  I'm only her daughter.  Why would I need to know?  Random really
irritates me sometimes.  Maybe Ahab is right about him.  I wonder how many
personalities Mother has?  The current one seems to be a rational one. 
Maybe it's what she'd be like if her childhood had been better.  I don't
know.  I suspect the personality that knows me, the one that killed my
father, is still stuck back at age nine, at the point where she found her
mother.  There's one thing I don't understand, though.  She recalls
Driscoll bringing Heather to her villa, but she didn't recall me being
there, not until I asked her about it.  Then she claimed she did, but then
why didn't she recognize me initially?  And why does she have no memory of
Amber?  She's the one who told me of it.  Perhaps her memory is faulty no
matter what personality she has.  I'm lucky that any of them remembered
me, and who my father was.  Assuming that wasn't another fantasy of hers. 
But it can't be.  I saw it in her mind.  Surely I would have known if it
was simply a delusion.  Wouldn't I?

Evening

	Riftvan is safely back, thank all the gods!  He confirmed the war
in Chaos, and the army advancing on Amber, although they seem to have been
slowed by the death of their leader, due to a spell placed on the Black
Road.  At least someone was thinking ahead.  The Hendrakes are part of the
army, of course.  I do not look forward to this coming conflict, but if I
must go to war, I will take some small pleasure in the knowledge that some
of those that I kill will be Hendrakes.  This is starting to feel like
Patternfall, all over again.

	Riftvan doesn't seem to think Foster's injury is significant. 
He'll just grow his legs back in a century or so.  A century!  I guess
that doesn't seem too long to him, he's been alive for so many of them. 
But to me that feels like forever, and Foster is far younger than I. 
Knowing that his legs will grow back in a century will not be much comfort
to him.

	I'm not sure I could have dealt with Mother without Riftvan there. 
She still doesn't know me at all.  She doesn't even truly know that she's
an Amberite.  She was impressed by my age, and I'm young by Amber
standards.  I wonder what she would have done if I'd told her how old
Riftvan is?  I guess I should be happy.  She seems more stable now.  But
at least she knew I was her daughter before.  Now I'm just some stranger. 
All the time we spent together over the past six years is just gone.  I
don't think she picked up on how upset I was, but I know Riftvan did.  I
couldn't seem to let go of his hand.  Foster's injury, the destruction of
the Jewel, Sand's escape, Brand's escape, the invading army, and now this. 
It all keeps piling up until I think I'm going to scream.  Weren't things
bad enough?  Can't it ever stop?  Riftvan offered to put the children
someplace safe, but there is no such place.  Putting them someplace only
Logrus masters could reach might protect them from Sand, but not the
Hendrakes.

Amber, year nine, day 220 (Monday, April 17)

Morning

	I feel a little bit better today.  At least a bit more prepared to
face Mother.  Riftvan was very comforting last night.  I know that he
won't be able to stay long, not with the war in Chaos, but I hope he'll be
here for a little while.  I need him to get through this.

	It feels odd to be eating breakfast with the family again.  I do
it so rarely, and almost never with Riftvan.  He looks awfully smug.  I
suppose I can't blame him.  At least the children are behaving.  What did
he tell them?

	Poor Eris.  I had no idea that her father was still missing.  She
keeps losing him.  I told her I'd try to find him.  What else could I do? 
No one else has the time, and Eris has suffered so much.  Riftvan says the
Shadow Eris thinks Driscoll is in is the dragon Shadow that Lavender told
me about.  If that's the case, I'd best take Clytemnestra with me.  From
what I've heard of dragons, I'd rather not fight them, and she might be
able to help me avoid that.  Thankfully, Riftvan can watch the children
for a while.  I'd be truly torn if that wasn't so.  I couldn't risk
leaving them, but I couldn't watch Eris suffer, either.

Lazarus

Midday

	Ironclaw is every bit as impressive as Lavender described.  I
guess if he'd eaten my Shadow, I'd be nervous too.  If only rescuing
Driscoll was as easy as talking to Ironclaw.  He's being held by the
dragon-slayers, and they sound like a nasty lot.  Trump don't seem to
work, and there really isn't anyone I can ask for help who isn't already
doing something important, but Clytemnestra thinks some of the local
inhabitants will help.  Apparently Driscoll is a king here, and his people
are still loyal to him.  Which is good, because I doubt Clytemnestra and I
could have rescued Driscoll on our own.  Especially since we couldn't just
Trump to safety once he was free.

	I finally got to ride on a dragon.  Granted, I'd rather the
circumstances were better, but it's still an experience I'll never forget. 
It's not quite the same as being one, but that doesn't make it any less
enjoyable.  Driscoll's people look almost faerie, but darker, and the
language isn't quite the same.  They don't appear to like humans any
better than most faeries do, either.  I'm glad I brought Clytemnestra with
me.  It all seems so stupid.  We both want the same thing here, but they
can't get past my race enough to include me in the planning.  In the
meantime, I have a week to kill.  I'd like to do some research on the
culture here, but then I think I'll go back to Amber.  I seem to recall
Lavender telling me that Lazarus is a rather fast Shadow, and I'd rather
spend 30 minutes in Amber with Riftvan than a week here getting stared at. 
Assuming I can leave.  I'll have to see if I can get Clytemnestra to take
me back to where we Trumped in.  Trump has to work there.

Amber

Afternoon

	Ahab is a...  Gods, I'm laughing too hard to even finish.  A wo... 
Riftvan's giving me the oddest look...

	OK.  That's better.  Ahab is a woman.  He fell into a cursed pool,
and now he's a woman.  Kimdyl must be horrified.  I've got to tell this to
Riftvan.  He'll get a kick out of it.  But only if he promises to leave
Ahab alone about it.  I don't want to get Ahab started on his "kill
Riftvan" campaign again, and he's bound to be a bit sensitive about this.

	Riftvan's heard of the pool.  He also knows of a way to reverse
the effect, which should make Ahab happy.  At least I think I can talk to
Ahab without laughing now.  Lyss says that one of the Jewel shards is in
Lazarus, and the Trump Eris gave me is the only way they can enter.  So I
guess I'll be joining Ahab's posse after all, if only for a little while. 
Perhaps I can convince them to help with Driscoll's rescue.

Somewhere in Shadow

	Apparently hot water will reverse the process.  Somehow I doubt
this is a permanent solution, but it will do for now.  Ahab is upset that
I won't tell him how I knew this.  But if I tell him the solution came
from Riftvan, he'll be equally upset, if not more so, because he'll know I
told Riftvan about his problem.  But if I hadn't, he'd still be a woman. 
The worst part is, when he's a woman, he looks absolutely gorgeous.  It's
not fair.  I wonder what would happen if a woman fell in that pool?

	I just had a horrifying thought.  When the Jewel was shattered, we
were all transported to wherever/whoever we were thinking of at the time,
in much the way one is transported upon reaching the center of the
Pattern.  Is this because the Jewel's sundering temporarily filled us with
Pattern energy?  What other affects from walking the Pattern did this
confer on us?  I slept with Riftvan last night...  Gods, I had better not
be pregnant again!  It's not that I don't want any more children, I just
want to wait until the four I have are a little older.  I'm probably
worrying needlessly.  I mean, just because one effect of the Jewel being
shattered happens to match one of the effects of walking the Pattern, it
doesn't mean that all of the effects are the same.  Right?  And
Clytemnestra didn't say anything to me, like she did with Lavender.  So
I'm probably fine.  Really.