Tir-na Nog'th, year seven, day 284 (Spring)
I can't seem to stop smiling. I knew it wouldn't go perfectly,
but it doesn't matter. Even Usires' presence didn't ruin it. Although
for one brief moment I considered taking Ahab up on his offer to remove
him. But I didn't want my wedding to begin on that kind of note.
Besides, once the ceremony started, I forgot all about him. I've always
loved outdoor weddings and this one was truly magical. It was like being
in a cathedral, only the walls were of oak. I can't describe it. There
was one nervous moment, right when I walked in, when I realized I couldn't
see Riftvan anywhere. But then, when Titania asked me if I saw him among
those gathered, he was there, and everything after that just seemed to
float by. I don't recall too much of the reception. Riftvan pointed out
his daughters to me, and Ahab managed to get the band to do a tango at
some point. I enjoyed that. I've always loved dancing, and Riftvan does
it well. Then the fun part of the reception started. I really like the
faerie attitude about it. At least their way, you don't wind up sitting
around wishing the damn thing would end, so you can be with your husband.
Lavender didn't quite see it this way, of course. She came by
right when things were starting to get...interesting. Her timing hasn't
improved much. I probably would have just ignored her, but Riftvan
decided he didn't want an audience. She wanted to leave, of course. I
knew she would. I didn't let her. This whole mess with her, Driscoll,
Foster, and Shard, has gone on long enough. It's time she made some sort
of decision, even if she decides not to get involved with any of them.
It's not fair to leave them hanging like that. She doesn't have to sleep
with them. But she is going to stay here, with them here, none of whom
are likely to be sleeping with anyone else, until dawn. And if nothing
has changed by then, I think I'm going to wash my hands of whole affair.
But maybe, if human nature takes it's typical course, Lavender will look
into her heart and make her choice. And right now, I don't really care
what that choice is. I have better things to occupy myself with.
Tir-na Nog'th, year seven, day 285
The dawn came too soon. At least from my point of view. Well, it
only means a change of venue. Maui, to be precise. I would have liked to
stay in Faerie, but Riftvan warned that Auberon will eventually start
asking his advice if he stays here, and I intend to have him all to
myself, at least for a little while. Just the two of us and the seaside.
No children crying, no relatives interrupting. I'm looking forward to
this.
If the look on Lavender and Foster's faces was any indication, I'm
not the only one who thought the dawn came too soon. I hope they're
happy. I must admit I was kind of rooting for Foster. Maybe it's because
I've watched him grow up, and seen him pursue Lavender so unflaggingly. I
guess I'm a romantic at heart. I want to believe that if you love someone
for long enough, eventually they'll love you too.
The wedding band is rather unusual. It's in the shape of a coiled
serpent that fits around the engagement ring. It looks very similar to
the other ring Riftvan gave me. I wonder if all rings in Chaos have such
a strong serpent motif?
Oh yes, the reason Usires was there? He was a guest of Bart. Who
Riftvan invited because he's the heir to House Jesby. It explains much
about Bart. Riftvan wound up inviting a fair number of people from Chaos
after all. If I'd known he was going to do that, I would have invited
more of my relatives. Hell, if I'd known he was going to invite Bart, I
would have invited Fiona. It would have been only fair. I'm sure he
would have been so pleased to see her.
You know, his name in Faerie is Oishin. I always assumed he used
Riftvan here, since it's the name he always used when in his Faerie form.
I wonder why he didn't use his Faerie name? I kind of like it.
Amber, year eight, day 98 (Thursday, December 17, 2992)
I worry about Ahab. Sometimes he seems the same as always. But
ever since the affair with Sand, there are times when he seems so
bitter... I hate to see him this way. I remember what he was like when I
first met him, so open and straightforward, so determined not to play the
same game as the rest of the family. Now, there are times when it seems
he is becoming like those he used to scorn. And the way he's raising
Nicholas... I fear the outcome when a child is always told that anything
is acceptable, as long as you don't get caught. How can Nicholas develop
any kind of concept of right and wrong with guidelines like that? And
without a sense of right and wrong, you wind up with someone like Brand.
Or Sand. I don't care how upset he is with the way the world has treated
him, turning his son into a sociopath is not the answer. Especially since
Nicholas will no doubt have access to the same power that Ahab has. I
pray Kimdyl has more sense than Ahab has shown.
Amber, year nine, day 47 (Wednesday, October 27, 2993)
The castle is finally ready for occupancy, but I don't think we'll
be living there. Riftvan would rather stay in town, as would I. For one
thing, I like the privacy. And there's more room for the children. I'd
like to start eating up there occasionally, though. I miss Michael's
cooking.
Amber, year nine, day 151 (Tuesday, February 8, 2994)
Gods, that scared me half to death! I think it scared Morgan
almost as much. Claws! He grew claws! Riftvan says he's starting to
learn how to shapeshift, and the others will start showing signs of it as
well. He could have warned me this was going to happen. He says he
assumed I knew. He assumes too damn much sometimes. I thought
shapeshifting was something that had to be taught. How was I supposed to
know it was a skill you could be born with? I'm not a Chaosite. I didn't
grow up knowing these things. Sometimes I think he forgets that.
Amber, year nine, day 196 (Friday, March 24, 2994)
I did it! It's taken me nearly six years, but I finally
understand sorcery. Well, I've understood it in principle for a while
now, but I actually got it to work! I still can't believe it. Suddenly
everything just clicked. Thank the gods. I was beginning to think I'd
never figure it out. I feel almost giddy. I did it! So what if it took
me five times as long as it should have? I've got to tell Riftvan.
I still can't quite believe this. It can't be true. No one's
ever done this. Anywhere. Not once. I've accomplished something that's
completely new. I feel so... I can't describe it. It's all so
overwhelming. Elated. Proud. Shocked. I feel like dancing until I
drop. I've never done anything before that could remotely be considered
unique. With all of the years my aunts and uncles have been alive, not to
mention Oberon, Dworkin, and however long Chaos existed before Amber was
even created, it should be impossible. It's all been seen before, done
before, by someone. I always feel like I'm playing catch-up with
everyone, even those in my generation. How could I have done something
new? It doesn't seem possible. It doesn't feel real. At least now I
know why learning it was such a struggle. I wish Riftvan had warned me
that no one has ever used magic to heal before. He assumed that I knew.
Another one of his assumptions. It's been, what, not quite ten years
since I came to Amber? How would I have known this? It makes sense that
shapeshifters wouldn't bother, but what about my aunts and uncles? They
can't all be shapeshifters. Have none of them ever cared enough about
other people that they wanted to better be able to help them? I suppose
it's just as well that Riftvan didn't tell me. If I'd known it hadn't
been done before, I might have just figured it was impossible and given
up.
Amber, year nine, day 206 (Monday, April 3, 2994)
He loves me. He finally said the words. I've known he does, ever
since that business with Sand, but I'd just about given up on ever hearing
him admit it to me. Especially given his earlier reluctance to do so.
And it was so out of the blue! He said he just wanted me to know. I
wonder what prompted him to finally tell me after all this time?
Amber, year nine, day 214 (Tuesday, April 11, 2994)
Morning
Foster almost died today. Felix looks scared to death.
Fortunately, I think Foster will be all right, once he rests. Why did he
have so much difficulty with the Pattern? Because of the Logrus? Is this
what my children will face as well? I've always known the Pattern was
difficult, but I never thought it could kill someone of the blood. But if
what happened to Foster is any indication... I don't want to lose my
children on that damn thing.
Afternoon
Lavender is upset with Foster, and rightly so. He didn't tell her
he was walking the Pattern. She didn't find out until afterwards, when
she learned how close he came to dying. What was he thinking? I know he
didn't want many people watching him struggle, but what if he had died?
She had a right to know. Sometimes Foster reminds me a lot of Riftvan.
Are all the males of House Vetch like this?
Amber, year nine, day 216 (Thursday, April 13, 2994)
Morning
Lavender seems to be ready to forgive Foster. I'm glad. He
seemed genuinely upset, and hopefully he's learned not to pull something
like that again. She even asked me to find her something appropriately
seductive to wear when she goes to see him. It wasn't difficult. I
remember what used to drive him crazy back when he had a crush on me.
Afternoon
It was turning into such a lovely day. Then the temblor hit.
Just a minor earthquake. Except Amber doesn't get earthquakes. The only
time I've felt something like this near Amber was when Brand stabbed
Driscoll on the Primal Pattern. Which implies whatever caused this is
bad. Riftvan and I are moving the children back into town. I don't know
if quakes in Amber can set off tsunamis, but I'm not going to take that
chance. And, if things are as bad as I think they are, I'll feel safer if
they're in town.
Brand's Pattern is gone. Destroyed. It's as if it was never
there. What could have done that? Even Fiona and Bleys didn't seem to
know. I hate to admit it, but I'm frightened. I mean, the Pattern is
imprinted on my very being. It's been deactivated before, and I've held a
form that couldn't access it, but it was always there. What will it do to
me if it's destroyed? Rinaldo survived the loss of the Star, although not
in the best of shape, but the Star was much younger than the Pattern, and
I doubt he's had the imprint for very long. Will it help that I haven't
walked the Pattern in seven years or will that make it worse? What about
people like Ahab, for whom Pattern is such an essential part? Will it
kill him? What would happen to Amber? At least Riftvan and the children
would be unaffected. I take some comfort in that.
Sometimes Mother comes up with the craziest, yet plausible ideas.
She suggested that maybe the Jewel could absorb Patterns. I don't know
enough about how Pattern works to be sure, but it sounds possible. I sent
her looking for Random, since he's the expert on the thing. Admittedly,
it was also an excuse to get her away from Brand, but maybe the idea has
merit.
I can't believe Bart did that. Of all the stupid, childish,
unthinking things he could have done! And he pretends he's well-mannered?
What was he thinking? Did he even think at all? I'd be the first one to
admit that Sequence can be annoying. It's tormented Riftvan enough that I
couldn't blame him for laughing when he learned the news. But Bart's
action was way out of proportion to the offense given. He could have
warned Lavender. He could simply have sent Sequence away. But to kill
it? Did he even pause to consider what he was setting in motion with his
actions? What Lavender would do to him in retaliation for killing her
companion? And then, what his mother would do to her? Followed by
Fiona's retaliation against Llewella? All because he couldn't bear the
fact that Sequence nicked his father's knee? His father's a Chaosite, by
all the gods, and probably a shapeshifter! A cut on the knee is nothing.
It's insignificant. Yet Bart reacted as though Sequence had beheaded his
father. Is there a brain at all in his pretty head? Now, even if
Lavender reforges Sequence, it will be out for his blood even if she is
not. He didn't even have the decency to apologize and admit he screwed
up. Someone needs to talk to that boy, and soon.
Evening
I hate this part the most. The waiting. The worrying. The
knowledge that things are occurring that could drastically affect my life,
and I'm powerless to do anything about them. What can I do against
something that can erase a Pattern like it was never there? It's driving
me nuts. I wonder if anyone's learned what Llewella was talking to Random
about? I'll bet Ahab knows. Somehow he always seems to. The question
is, do I want to know? Is it any more likely to be something I can deal
with? Probably not. But it might be easier to deal with the possibility
of the Pattern being destroyed if I knew more about how it happened.
I wasn't expecting the demon. If I had been, maybe it wouldn't
have bothered me so much. But to step through and be staring right at it.
It just brought back all sorts of memories that I'd rather forget. I hope
Lavender understands the forces she's playing with.
Now I know how Brand's Pattern was destroyed, but I don't feel any
better about it. The strangest part is, Mother turned out to be right
about the method. Somehow Dara managed to steal the Jewel of Judgment out
of Amber, and no one even noticed it was gone. Apparently you can use it
to erase a Pattern by placing someone with it at the center and having
them walk out while concentrating. Which should kill the person doing the
erasing. Of course, Brand can't be killed... It doesn't make any sense,
though. I can see him trying to erase the Rose and our Pattern. But why
would he destroy his? And do it first? It makes no sense. Only five
years ago, he was trying to make his Pattern the dominant one. What would
lead him to work with Dara in destroying the thing he spent so much time
and effort trying to create. And kill his wife in the process? Maybe
Riftvan will have some idea. He knows something of Dara, at least.
The information must have meant something to him, since he left
for Shadow right after I told him. I hate it when he does that. With
everything that's going on right now, I can't help worrying. And I really
didn't want to be alone tonight.
Amber, year nine, day 217 (Friday, April 14, 2994)
Morning
Well, that was a lousy night. I never sleep well when Riftvan's
gone, even under normal circumstances, and seeing that demon last night
didn't help matters any. I had some memorable dreams involving the one
that Brand sold me to, as well as the one that almost killed Morgan. I
know that the former is dead, since I hacked it into the smallest pieces I
could manage, and Random fixed things so that pit demons shouldn't be able
to reach here, but that didn't seem to help any. At one point, I had to
check my leg just to reassure myself that the tattoos weren't there. At
least I didn't scream and wake the children up. Of course, I didn't
scream in the real encounter, either. I recall being rather proud of
that. I was going to die, but I wasn't going to show the damn thing any
fear. But it's cold comfort when you wake up alone and shaking in the
middle of the night. I eventually gave up and read until dawn. The sky
looks kind of funny now. I think the Shadow storms may reach us today.
Which means that, wherever Riftvan is, the storms must have passed him by
now. I was hoping he'd be back before they hit. I pray he's well,
wherever he is.
Afternoon
The storm was pretty wild, but not much worse than your average
hurricane. I was relieved. The only Shadow storm I'd ever seen before
was the one Brand unleashed on Mother's Shadow, and that one was quite a
bit more intense. It was probably a bit more focused than what hit Amber
today, though. Naturally, the kids couldn't wait to fool around in the
snow before it melted. It feels kind of surreal to be watching them
playing without a care in the world, while Eral only knows what's
happening with Brand up in the castle. Or what's going on out in Shadow.
I almost envy them their innocence. I'm glad Caitt is staying here. This
would be even worse if I was alone with the children.
Evening
I wish Riftvan would get home soon. I miss him, and there's such
exciting news. Foster and Lavender are engaged. And Lavender is
pregnant. I feel partly responsible for this. I should have warned her
when she left. Or not given her something quite as attractive. Oh well,
what's done is done. I just hope she's not rushing into marriage because
of the pregnancy. Foster I'm not worried about. He's been in love with
her for a long time, and you don't get a ring like the one he gave her on
the spur of the moment. But Lavender... It was not quite two years ago
that she couldn't even make up her mind which man she wanted to be with.
Eral knows how long it would have taken her to decide if I hadn't forced
her to stay until the end of my wedding. Does she really love Foster
enough to spend the rest of her life with him? Or is she marrying him
because of the baby? I hope that's not the reason. I like her and Foster
as a couple. She's like the sister I never had, and Foster has grown up
to be a fine young man. Although it is kind of weird to be talking with
him about his engagement, when it doesn't seem that long ago that he was
running away from Eris because she was a girl. And it's kind of neat to
think of our being related both by blood and marriage.
This all assumes that Mandor doesn't forbid the marriage. I still
can't believe that he's Lavender's father. That must have really gotten
Heather's nose out of joint, her husband sleeping with her pseudo-mother.
Lavender has apparently met her and survived the experience unscathed, so
if Heather harbors any ill feelings towards her, she's being her usual
subtle self about it. Apparently she's had another child, a boy named
Jordan. I swear, there have been more children born to Amberites in the
last six years than there probably have for the past 600. Lavender says
he looks a lot like her, and he isn't happy about it. I guess Lavender
follows the usual pattern of children taking after their non-Amber parent.
So why do my children look so much like me, and so little like Riftvan? I
wish Lavender hadn't been so insistent on talking to him. I never Trump
him when he's gone, because if he doesn't answer, I worry. Like tonight.
Gods, I hate it when he's gone.
Amber, year nine, day 218 (Saturday, April 15, 2994)
Morning
Have you ever been thinking over something and come up with a
thought so outrageous that you know it can't be true, but at the same time
you can't dismiss it either? I was thinking about Murine's poisoning and
how we never found the culprit. I've always figured it was Sand, and I
still think she was behind it, but I don't think she was the one who
carried it out. She wouldn't have risked coming to Amber if she could
have avoided it. But it would have to be someone Sand could expect to
obey her orders. Someone skilled in the use of poisons. Perhaps someone
Murine knew and trusted. And someone who was in Amber at the time. I can
think of only two people that come close to meeting those requirements.
Riftvan. Or Foster. And I know it wasn't Riftvan. But would Foster try
to kill his own mother? It's possible, at least at the time. Felix told
me that Murine barely knew him. Sand was primarily the one who raised
him. She was grooming him to kill Random, and obviously thought he would
do it when she gave him the Spikard. He didn't follow her orders then
because living in Amber had caused him to change his mind, but when Murine
died he hadn't been in Amber for long... And he was living at Gerard's
house with Murine when it happened. Gods, I hope I'm wrong. If it's
true, and Felix ever found out, it would destroy him. It's all just
supposition on my part. There's no proof at all. Except it fits so well.
And that's what keeps me from laughing it off as idle speculation. It
would even explain why Riftvan didn't want to tell me who was
responsible... Damn. I've got to stop thinking about this. I think this
whole mess with Brand is making me paranoid. That and the lack of sleep.
I had more nightmares last night, although none as bad as before. I
really wish I hadn't run into that demon of Lavender's. Not at this time.
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