Amber, year five, day 61 continued
Afternoon
Riftvan finally woke up. He was very groggy and went to sleep
again right after I got him some water, but he still doesn't seem to be in
any pain, which is a good sign as far as I'm concerned. I think all he
needs now is rest and time to heal.
Something odd is going on with Lavender. She's found Fiona, but
was awfully quiet about what happened to her. Of course, Fiona's probably
shutting her out. I'd like to know what happened, though. Especially
given that Fiona's little disappearing act could have cost Riftvan his
life. Sequence was acting strangely too, even for it. It seemed rather
frustrated, but it would only say it had been fighting "bad guys." By
itself, not with Lavender, which is odd in and of itself. What could be
going on with them?
Amber, year five, day 62 (Saturday, November 11, 2989)
Kira is leaving. I guess I've been expecting this. It's not like
she was going to stay forever, but I was hoping it wouldn't be so soon.
Oh, she promised to help with the children occasionally, and Mother is
more than willing to pitch in, but it won't be the same. What am I going
to do without her? I never would have made it through the past year if I
didn't have her help. The children are just too much for me to handle
alone. Mother tries to help, but sometimes she requires more attention
than the children. Damn. I can never truly replace her. Not here. Oh,
I could hire a nanny readily enough. But Kira was a friend as well, and I
will miss her dearly. I suspect she'll be more than happy to get away
from Riftvan, though. She hasn't cared for him overmuch since that
incident when Morgan and Jalana were born. I plan to do what I can to
help her get established in Amber. I owe her that much, at least. And I
wish her the best in her new life. Although I wish she'd forget about
Bart. I'll admit he's cute, in a very goofy sort of way, but he acts like
such an idiot sometimes. On the other hand, maybe Kira could teach him
some maturity. She doesn't tolerate fools for long. And I'm sure Ahab
would be delighted to have someone distracting Bart from Lyss.
Kira's right about one thing. It has been a while. Longer than
I've gone since I was very young. So what's stopping me? As Kira pointed
out, I'm not married to Riftvan. It's hard to put into words. It would
just feel...odd. It means so much more to sleep with someone you love.
Sleeping with someone else right now would have no meaning. I can't
explain it, it just feels that way. Still, I hope it doesn't take Riftvan
too long to recover.
Amber, year five, day 64 (Monday, November 13, 2989)
Both Shannon and Vincent's eyes are starting to turn brown, while
Morgan's seem to have settled on the same shade as mine. Jalana's are
mostly green as well, but they seem to be retaining a bit of their
original blue. I wish one of the children had wound up with Riftvan's
eyes. They're such a beautiful shade of blue.
Amber, year five, day 66 (Wednesday, November 15, 2989)
Riftvan is improving slowly. He continues to sleep most of the
time, but at least now it's a healing sleep. He's getting stronger, and
he's starting to gain some weight back. I hope I never again see him as
exhausted and in as much pain as he was while Fiona was treating him. At
least he's strong enough to sit up now, although he's still having trouble
fending off the children. They've figured out that he can't really stop
them from tugging on his hair, and it's become this marvelous new game,
especially since they know I can only deal with two of them at a time. It
must be his genes at work. I certainly wasn't this much trouble as a
child. At least I don't think I was.
I wish I could do more to help him. It's a pity you can't use
magic to heal someone. I wonder if it's possible? If I can create a
spell to kill, why can't I create a spell to heal? Actually, "I" can't
create a spell at all, but it's an interesting theory. I've never seen it
done, though. Gods, I wish I understood Lavender's lessons better. Why
am I having so much trouble with this?
Amber, year five, day 67 (Thursday, November 16, 2989)
Afternoon
I asked Mother if she wanted to do some hand fighting. I'm trying
to find something we have in common, that we can do together. This wasn't
it. Her version of hand fighting involves dropping large weights on her
opponents. Unfortunately, she has no idea how to get rid of them, so I
decided to forgo the demonstration. Not that I could have gotten much out
of it. If six months of trying to learn faerie magic have left me no
closer to understanding it than before, I doubt I'd have any better luck
with conjuration.
Mother told Lavender that she has a bad temper. No kidding. Why
couldn't I have inherited any good traits from my parents? Well, that's
not exactly fair. I must have inherited my voice from Mother. And my
artistic skills from Father. I just wish I'd inherited a calmer
temperament as well. At least Mother decided, after all this time, to
apologize to Felix for the, um, hair removal that she did years ago. He
did not react well to this. Actually, that's a bit of an understatement.
It seems he yelled for his mother. Poor Felix. Mother also apparently
forgot he had a son. The unreliability of her memory worries me. It
makes it hard to tell when she's telling the truth and when she's making
something up, because she usually believes what she's saying. Like that
business with Chaos. She claims she spent some time there after
Patternfall. It's certainly possible. But she wouldn't tell me the names
of any of the Chaosites she claims to have met then, so it's impossible to
tell if this is all in her mind. I'm willing to bet at least part of her
story is true, though. She was associating with Sand before Patternfall,
and Sand definitely hung out on the Chaos side of things. I wish I knew
what Mother's involvement was with Sand, but I'm afraid to ask. Assuming
she even remembers.
Evening
It's all starting again. Not even a year since we fought Sand,
and now Brand is making his move. He's imprisoned Fiona in some spell
that's turned her into Sleeping Beauty. Did she see something Brand
wished to keep hidden? Or was he simply afraid that she might stop him
before it was too late? I don't know. I don't care. I'm just getting
really sick of this. Must I spend the rest of my life fighting my own
fucking relatives? Sometimes I wish I'd listened to Riftvan and gone with
the children to Faerie. It couldn't be worse than being here. And if I
hadn't fought Sand, he wouldn't have been injured... But then, Eral only
knows what would have happened to Vincent and Shannon. And Sand might
still be out there plotting, along with Brand, and I doubt Amber could
fight both. Of course, this assumes my presence made any difference at
all in our fight against Sand. It's entirely possible they could have
captured her without me.
Enough. Sand had to be dealt with, there's no arguing with that.
I may regret everything else that happened, but it was a consequence of
that necessity. Which is what makes me so afraid now. Every time Amber
is threatened, I emerge worse than before. The battle with Rygat ended my
relationship with one lover due to disenchantment and left the other one
revealed as one of her spies. That hurt me so badly that I ran away to
shadow to hide. For all the good it did me. Fighting Sand... I'm still
dealing with the consequences of that. And when I fought Brand? I wound
up sold to a demon and was nearly killed in a manner that still
occasionally gives me nightmares. Not to mention the whole Patternfall
war. This used to be so much easier. I had nothing to lose, so what did
it matter if I died? Now there's so many more ways to be hurt. Dying
would be the simplest and least painful. But I never seem to be the one
who gets injured in these things. Instead, those I care about suffer.
I pity Random. Ruling this family must be a nightmare. They're
constantly plotting against each other, and it all works so well because
no one tells each other ANYTHING! Lavender's known about Fiona, and
Brand, for close to a week now, and the only people she's told have been
Bleys and some unnamed male cousin of mine. Not Benedict. Not Random.
Just those two. What was she thinking? It sounds like she just figured
Bleys would handle it. But she hasn't heard from him since she found
Fiona, which means he's either not handling it, or he tried and failed.
So, whatever Brand was doing, he's had an extra week, Amber time, to work
with. Because neither Lavender, Bleys or this cousin could see beyond
saving Fiona some possible embarrassment. No wonder Random gets so
frustrated. He joked about abdicating to me, but there's no way I'd ever
take that job. Not even if their Unicorn offered it. It's hard to
believe that Corwin and Eric were willing to kill each other over it.
This keeps getting better and better. Ahab thinks Brand is trying
to make his Pattern the primary one. Whatever that means. I didn't even
know he had a Pattern. Gods above, isn't that enough? What more does he
want? At least Ahab thinks Lyss may be able to free Fiona. I hope so.
Then, if we're lucky, she and Random and Benedict can resolve this. No,
who am I kidding? It's never that easy.
I blew up at Ahab during the conversation. I must be more
stressed out than I thought. I just get so sick of the assumption that my
life was all roses. To me, my background seems to be nothing but a
liability. I'm continually discovering things that everyone else has
known all of their life. It gets to be very frustrating.
I wish I knew what prompted Riftvan to say that. What limitations
was he thinking of? I've never seen him look so old. To be honest, I
often forget how old he is. It's hard to grasp the idea that anyone can
live for so long. I don't think I'd want to, if everyone else died around
me. I didn't know what to say, so I just held his hand. I guess it
helped, because he was still holding it when he went to sleep. I wish
there was something else I could do for him.
Amber, year five, day 70 (Sunday, November 19, 2989)
Morgan said his first word today. His own name. I suppose I
shouldn't be surprised, he certainly hears it often enough. I was hoping
he'd say "Daddy" though. Well, there's still a chance Shannon or Vincent
will.
Amber, year five, day 74 (Thursday, November 23, 2989)
The problem with Brand appears to have been solved, at least for
now. Which is a load off of my mind. Lavender was able to wake Fiona up,
with Mandor's help, of all people. I wonder why he got involved? From
the sound of it, Fiona was not pleased at all when she woke up. She,
Benedict, and Bleys brought Brand in to see Random and they were all in
there for days. Apparently Brand has returned to his own lands now. It
is somewhat comforting to know that even Brand could not avoid the
combined forces of Fiona, Bleys, and Benedict. The family is tough to
fight when we work together. The problem lies in actually getting us to
work together.
Amber, year five, day 75 (Friday, November 24, 2989)
Well, Shannon has spoken, and the word is "More." Now Morgan's
saying it too. It's kind of cute.
Amber, year five, day 77 (Sunday, November 26, 2989)
I take it back. It was cute, but after hearing it for the 200th
time, it loses some of its charm. The two of them seem to be competing to
see who can say it the loudest. *sigh*
Amber, year five, day 78 (Monday, November 27, 2989)
Bart arrived on my doorstep today, much changed in appearance, but
not, it would seem, in attitude. We made small talk for a while, and it
is very clear that he has decided to follow the family tradition of being
evasive and not answering questions, but instead asking ones in return.
We went back and forth this way for a while, but I could get him to say
nothing of substance, other than some philosophical musings. A pity. I
had hoped there was something more to him than I had previously assumed,
but if there is, he continues to play the fool. What does Kira see in
him? He's fine to look at, and most of the time one cannot fault his
manners, but speaking with him is like eating cotton candy. It tastes
good, but there's nothing really substantial there. I still invited him
to dinner, mainly as a favor to Kira. At least our conversation should
have assured him that I'm not planning to kill him.
Amber, year five, day 80 (Wednesday, November 29, 2989)
The dinner went well, in that nothing unfortunate happened, but as
far as I can tell, nothing else happened either. I don't understand Kira
sometimes. If she wanted to sleep with Bart, he was there for the asking.
But she didn't do much more than drop hints. Which Bart either politely
ignored or missed entirely. Judging by what I've seen of Rebman culture,
asking him outright is probably more what he's used to. Well, it's her
problem and not mine. I wish her luck.
Amber, year five, day 83 (Saturday, December 2, 2989)
I suppose it was inevitable that Vincent's first word would be
"No." He's definitely the most stubborn child of them all. Not that the
rest of them don't put that word to frequent use. I'm beginning to wonder
why I was so eager for them to start talking.
Amber, year five, day 85 (Monday, December 4, 2989)
Kira likes the place I found for her shop and she seems to be
doing well. I'm glad she's happy. I still miss her, though. I'm
probably going to have to hire someone to at least do some of the cooking
and cleaning. I never did like it much, anyway, and I'd rather spend the
time with Riftvan and the children. Eral knows the children take up all
of my time as it is.
Amber, year five, day 102 (Thursday, December 21, 2989)
Today was Morgan and Jalana's first birthday. There was no party,
since I've decided to combine their birthday with Shannon and Vincent's
and celebrate them all on January 2. It would be too difficult to have
two separate parties. Not to mention the questions it would prompt when
they got older.
It was a notable day for other reasons, though. I settled a few
matters that have been concerning me, one rather unexpectedly. Firstly,
we are going to stay in Amber for the time being. Riftvan seems to feel
it's the safest place we can be right now. I'll admit, I was glad to hear
that. Amber is just starting to feel like home, and I'd hate to leave it
now. Although I can't say I'd miss the winters much. Too bad Random
can't (or won't) use the Jewel to give Amber a warmer climate.
Secondly, Alastor is not a Pattern sword. Which is a relief,
actually. I don't think I'd like having a weapon around that could hurt
Riftvan so easily. Although I can think of some circumstances where it
might come in handy. There was no real reason to think it was, except
Morglyph turned out to be one, and they were empowered in the same
manner... Riftvan thinks Ahab's inbreeding has something to do with it.
Combine that with his power of command over those with Pattern, and I
begin to understand why Dworkin was so dead set against the idea of
inbreeding. Obviously it results in a great deal of power. Maybe too
much power. Fortunately, Ahab doesn't seem to let it go to his head. I
wonder, though... Most things in the universe have a balance. What is
the price for all of Ahab's power?
And now, the unexpected matter. I'm engaged. I know that
technically I was before, but given the circumstances of that proposal, I
had been wondering if it was still true. Riftvan seemed surprised that I
still want to marry him. I suppose it isn't exactly logical, but neither
was staying with him once I learned who he was. And marrying him feels
right. He's long since ceased to be merely a lover. I've almost lost him
twice, and that's only made me more certain of how much I love him. I've
never felt this strongly about anyone else in my life. If that isn't a
good reason to get married, I don't know what is. I wish this wasn't
going to restore his house, though. It's ironic. I'm sure there are
those who would kill to marry a Head of House. And I'm marrying one, but
I wish he didn't have the position. The gods have a wicked sense of
humor, sometimes.
The wedding will be in Tir-na Nog'th, once Riftvan recovers enough
to shapeshift us. It's the only sensible place to have it. He refused to
have the wedding in Amber, and I can see his point. Having the wedding in
Chaos would be akin to committing suicide. That leaves Faerie, which I'd
been considering anyway. He seems to like the place a lot, and I've
regretted that I didn't get to see it under better circumstances. And the
Shadow is pretty well protected. Although Sand was able to come and go as
she pleased... No, I am not going to ruin my mood by dwelling on that.
At least I'll be able to invite some of the family. I suspect that if
Riftvan had his way, it would be just me, him, and the local faerie
population. As it is, he implied that some of his daughters might attend,
but he didn't seem too thrilled with that prospect. I think it's rather
sad that there's no one he'd like to be there. How can anyone live as
long as he has without any friends? I'd rather die then live my life so
alone.
Amber, year five, day 103 (Friday, December 22, 2989)
I told Lavender of my engagement and asked her to be my maid of
honor. She seemed quite happy for me. Then again, she's one of the few
people I know who actually likes Riftvan. Well, that's not quite true.
Mother seems to like him well enough, although she usually ignores him. I
asked her to be a bridesmaid, and she got all excited because she could
wear a pretty dress. Which is about what I expected. It's odd to feel
older than your mother. At least she seems to be getting a little less
manic.
Amber, year five, day 105 (Sunday, December 24, 2989)
Kira thinks I'm crazy to be getting married. Actually, it's the
forever with one man part that's bothering her. I guess we just have
differing outlooks. She assumes I'll live forever. I keep forgetting
that's even possible. If the past few years are any indication, I'll be
surprised if I reach 100. I certainly don't think I'll be alive as long
as Riftvan has.
Amber, year five, day 108 (Wednesday, December 27, 2989)
The ring is beautiful. Of course, just the fact that it's my
engagement ring makes it beautiful. It also makes this all more real.
I'm actually getting married. Vialle seemed happy to hear the news.
Random was a bit worried. I understand why. I'm not real happy about how
this will change my status. It's so stupid. Marrying Riftvan is a
personal matter. It's a promise of commitment, a promise to be there for
each other. What it does not do is change who I am. And what I am is an
Amberite. Not a Chaosite. But, because of Chaos law, that's what I will
be considered. It's crazy. But there's no helping it. I want to marry
Riftvan, and if that's a consequence of marrying him, I guess I'll have to
live with it. It won't change the way I feel about Amber and my family
here. I just pray there never comes a time when it matters. It's a pity
our marriage can't be a morganatic one. But that would leave his house
with no heir, and no matter how indifferent Riftvan pretends to be about
the matter, I believe he would rather the house survived him.
Amber, year five, day 109 (Thursday, December 28, 2989)
Ahab agreed to give me away, although he looked a little surprised
when I asked him. I'm sure he'd rather I wasn't marrying Riftvan at all,
but he didn't say anything to that effect and offered his congratulations.
We chatted for a while after that. Nicholas and Kimdyl are apparently
doing well. From the sound of it, Nicholas continues to take after Ahab
in more ways than just his chin. Ahab seems much amused by this. It's
always interesting to see yourself reflected in your children.
Amber, year five, day 112 (Sunday, December 31, 2989)
I'm definitely sensing a trend here. Of everyone in Felix's
family, only Isabeux seemed unreservedly happy for me. Gerard looked
worried, although he denied being concerned. Felix also looked somewhat
unhappy. I wonder if he still holds Riftvan's involvement in Foster's
taking of the Logrus against him? For that matter, I wonder if Foster
ever told Felix the truth of that day? Probably not, if I know Foster.
Foster had the oddest reaction of all. He offered his congratulations
sincerely enough, but his initial reaction troubles me. He seemed to be
surprised, worried and guilty all at once. The first two I was expecting,
since just about every man I've talked to has had the same reaction. But
what would cause him to feel guilty? I wish I knew.
Amber, year five, day 114 (Tuesday, January 2, 2990)
The childrens' birthday party went well. This time we made sure
to keep Nicholas well away from Beauty. I told Driscoll the news at the
party, and he was, you guessed it, surprised, but at least he didn't seem
to be worried. Eris was very excited about going to the wedding. Mostly
due to the opportunity to dress up. Just like Mother. Since Eris seems
to be lacking for playmates right now, maybe she and Mother should get
together. I also found out that Lyss is pregnant. No wonder Ahab seemed
so unhappy back in November. Especially if Bart's the father. Oh well,
there's so much inbreeding in that branch of the family as it is, what
difference will a little more make?
Amber, year five, day 126 (Sunday, January 14, 2990)
Shannon and Vincent are now a year old, and I think it's time to
start weaning all of them. They're starting to teeth and, well, I don't
work well as a chew toy. I just wish the teething was over. They cry so
much right now. I can usually block the pain and get them to sleep, but
as soon as one is resting, another one wakes up. I never thought I'd be
thankful for my relative lack of fertility, but I am right now. I don't
think I could handle any more children at the moment. Some days I fear I
can't handle the ones I have.
Amber, year five day 177 (Tuesday, March 5, 2990)
I'm learning a lot from the instructors Benedict recommended to
me. Some of it is kind of strange, but it's a challenge, which is what I
wanted. I'm too dependent on using a blade of some kind, and I can't
always count on having one. I'm not progressing as fast as I'd like to,
but I only have so much time to spare for practice. It will have to be
enough.
Amber, year five, day 208 (Friday, April 5, 2990)
Lavender held another Wild Hunt. The first part went pretty much
like last year. I don't know about the second part, as I didn't see much
point in staying this time. I'd rather spend the time with my family as
opposed to watching everyone else get inebriated.
Amber, year five, day 247 (Tuesday, May 14, 2990)
Isabeux had her baby yesterday. It's a girl, and they've named
her Vivienne. She's absolutely adorable. A little sister for Felix. I
wonder how he's taking it?
Amber, year five, day 298 (Thursday, July 4, 2990)
My lack of progress with magic is beginning to frustrate me. Why
am I having so much trouble with a skill that most people seem to pick up
so easily? Foster figured it out before he was ten! What's wrong with
me? Do I truly have so little intelligence?
Amber, year five, day 350 (Sunday, August 25, 2990)
Lavender is thinking of forging another sword, a companion to
Sequence. I wish her luck with it. Personally, I don't think I'd want a
sword that could talk. Sequence is amusing and all, but I think it would
drive me crazy after a while. And it has to be distracting.
It seems that Lavender still hasn't decided what to do about her
suitors. And none of them have gone away, either. Shard remains in Foil,
and is apparently quite good as an actor. When Riftvan is doing better, I
think I'd like to see Shard perform. I miss the theater. Foster is also
still apparently quite smitten. This crush seems to be lasting much
longer than the one he had on me. I fear this means it is far more
serious. I wish Lavender would make up her mind and just pick one. Or at
least try to. But she seems content to ignore them all. Maybe she's
hoping to weed them out through attrition? Felix isn't taking the whole
thing very well, but, then again, Felix never takes anything dealing with
sex or love very well. Poor Felix. It must be difficult to have a child
who is almost as old as you are.
To be honest, I think Lavender just doesn't know how to deal with
the attention she's getting. It seems ironic. She knows how to fight,
and how to rule an entire nation, but when it comes to affairs of the
heart, she gets all flustered. Which is surprising, given what she's told
us of her sister. I guess none of Elizabeth's enthusiasm ever rubbed off
on her. A pity. I think she could use the release. Perhaps someday I'll
be able to convince her of that.
I do envy her in one respect, however. She's gotten to ride a
dragon. I think that would be an incredible experience. Lavender seemed
rather nonplused about the whole thing. She thought it was too out of
control. I think that would make it exciting. The closest I've ever
gotten to flying like that was when I was hang gliding in Maui. I wonder
what the winds are like off of Kolvir? I'll have to investigate, once the
children are a bit older.
Amber, year six, day 31 (Friday, October 11, 2990)
Riftvan actually walked a few steps today. He didn't have the
strength to do more than that, but it's a start. I've done what I could
to keep him busy while he was bedridden. I must have been to every
bookstore in town. I'm amazed at how much he reads! At least he's not
too particular about what he reads, which makes it easier to find stuff
for him.
Amber, year six, day 71 (Wednesday, November 20, 2990)
Riftvan is strong enough to walk around on his own now, and he's
gained most of his weight back. I think he's well enough to have sex
again, as long as we're careful. I hope so. It's been so long... Almost
two years. It's going to be hard to hold back.
Amber, year six, day 72 (Thursday, November 21, 2990)
That was wonderful. He's never been willing to stay in psychic
contact before, but I was hoping he would this time. He really has
changed, and I can't say I mind. It was incredible to be joined that way,
in both body and mind. Nothing can match it. Gods, sometimes it scares
me how much I love him.
Amber, year six, day 90 (Monday, December 9, 2990)
I had a feeling Riftvan might be able to teach me how to pick
locks. He seemed to know quite a bit about it, as a matter of fact.
Somehow, I'm not surprised. Of course, now that I've learned how to do
it, I'll probably never need it, but you never know. I wonder what other
useful skills he knows?
Amber, year six, day 123 (Saturday, January 11, 2991)
I wish I could convince Riftvan to spar with me. He claims
there's no point, since I'm better than he is. I find that hard to
believe. But even if it's true, it would be good to spar someone
different, for a change. Not that I mind sparring with Lavender, but I
know all of her moves by now.
Amber, year six, day 150 (Friday, February 7, 2991)
The trip to Foil was a lot of fun. I haven't seen a play in
years, and Lavender was right - Shard's troupe is quite good. I didn't
even recognize him at first! He seems to have matured a lot. He's almost
a different person. It's good to see.
Amber, year six, day 207 (Saturday, April 5, 2991)
Riftvan came along on the Wild Hunt this time, although he didn't
actually do any hunting. Still, it was fun to ride with him, and I
greatly enjoyed the rest of the evening.
Amber, year six, day 257 (Sunday, May 25, 2991)
The winds off of Kolvir aren't the best, but they'll do. It felt
good to hang glide again. Sometimes I wish I knew how to shapeshift, just
so I could grow wings and truly fly. It must be a marvelous feeling.
Amber, year six, day 272 (Monday, June 9, 2991)
I love the summertime. Everything seems so much more alive then.
We went on a picnic in Arden today, just me, Riftvan, the children, and
Mother. Mother seems to be getting along marvelously with Riftvan, which
is a relief to me. It's bad enough that my best friend hates him. I
don't think I could stand the tension if my mother did too. Then again,
it's been my observation that, as a rule, Riftvan has far more problems
getting along with men than with women. Sand being the notable exception.
Amber, year seven, day 5 (Monday, September 15, 2991)
Still no luck with sorcery. I understand the principles just
fine. But it's like I'm missing the final piece to the puzzle. I'm
beginning to fear sorcery is like Trump, where you must have the proper
blood to use the power. It doesn't matter. I gave up my interests in
Trump and Pattern because I didn't seem to have any talent for them. I
will master this, whether I have any talent or no. Gods, I envy Lavender.
She makes it all look so easy.
Amber, year seven, day 74 (Sunday, November 23, 2991)
It wasn't a matter of trust at all. It was... He kills people.
Which is nothing new, or unusual. I've killed many people in my time.
But all of them were my enemies, and we fought each other openly. I guess
it's that part that bothers me the most. The people he kills don't have a
chance to defend themselves. They probably don't even know they're a
target. It's just so cold-blooded. I don't know what to do. I love him.
How could I love someone capable of doing such things? How could someone
capable of doing such things be someone I could love?
I think what frightens me the most is that I'm not as repulsed as
I should be. Eral knows I would have killed Sand in any manner available
to me. It's not all that different. I just wish I knew the circumstances
of his "deployments" in the past. What sorts of things does the King of
Chaos send his house to do? And what was he sent to do, that one time in
Amber?
I can stop this. If I do not marry him, our children are safe.
His house has no heir, so the job will eventually be given to some other
house. But... When I think about doing that, it hurts deep inside me.
The way I felt when I thought he might die, after I ran him through. Fiona
told me then that he was responsible for many deaths, and I didn't think
she was lying. It just didn't matter. I look at him now and things
haven't changed. He's still the same man I fell in love with. That
feeling hasn't diminished. And he didn't lie about this, even though he
knew I'd have difficulty with it. I can accept that he was an assassin.
I just don't know if I can accept that he *is* an assassin. But I don't
think I can accept life without him either. What am I going to do?
At least the children won't be forced to follow in his footsteps,
if they do not wish to. And he's willing to teach me the things he'll be
teaching them. If I know what they'll be learning, I think it will be
easier for me to accept. And it doesn't sound as bad as I'd initially
feared. He's not like the assassins in the Shadow where I grew up. They
were filthy, vile men, willing to do anything, even kill, for money. He
does it to support the throne of Chaos, which is certainly a more noble
purpose. I'm still not particularly happy about it, but I guess I can
live with it. I have no choice. I cannot change what he is, anymore than
I could change the stars in the sky. And I do love him.
He promised to take me flying, once he's gotten more of his
strength back. To actually fly, under my own power... I can hardly wait.
Amber, year seven, day 197 (Thursday, March 26, 2992)
It's beginning to look like Riftvan intends to remain in his true
form. I'm almost positive he's recovered enough to shapeshift to another
form, if he wanted to. I hope he stays as he is. I've gotten used to
seeing him this way.
Amber, year seven, day 235 (Sunday, May 3, 2992)
I flew. On my own. I had wings, and I flew! It was glorious! I
didn't want to come down. I'd probably still be up there if I had any
strength left within me. I'll admit, it felt somewhat odd to be a dragon,
but it didn't take me long to get used to it. I wonder what Clytemnestra
would have said if she'd seen us? Something sarcastic, I'm sure. It
wouldn't have mattered. Today, everything is right with the world.
Amber, year seven, day 283 (Saturday, June 20, 2992)
Well, it's come down to the final day. By this time tomorrow, on
the same date that we met in Maui, I will be married. For the rest of my
life. I feel so excited and nervous that I'm not sure I can sleep. I'm
glad that Riftvan doesn't have to shape me into a faerie after all. I'd
much rather be getting married the way I am naturally. I'm surprised that
he's staying in his true form as well. Back when he originally proposed
to me, I wasn't sure I'd ever learn what he looked like, much less be
marrying him in that form. Of course, I didn't think it would take close
to four years for the wedding to take place, either. But for once
everything seems to be going right, and I couldn't be happier... Gods, I
wish tomorrow would come already.
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