Amber, year five, day 59 continued

Evening

	Ahab's off doing something dangerous again.  I didn't get the
details, but he was wearing armor and looked rather harried.  I'm rather
glad he didn't need my help.  Kira still hasn't returned, so there's no
one else here to watch the children.  And time flows so oddly in shadow...
What if I left and returned to find that weeks or months had passed in my
absence?  I can't leave Riftvan and the children for that length of time.

	Fiona didn't show up tonight.  Riftvan would no doubt be grateful
for the reprieve, if he was aware enough to notice it.  Maybe it will do
him good to rest a little longer than normal.  Or so I keep telling
myself.  I don't like this.  It isn't like Fiona.  Not once since this all
began has she ever failed to arrive on schedule.  I'm probably making more
out of this than the situation warrants.  I'm sure Fiona will show up
tomorrow and act like nothing happened.  She's probably out in shadow
somewhere and she just lost track of time.  That must be it.  So why do I
have this cold feeling in the pit of my stomach?  And why won't she answer
her trump?

Amber, year five, day 60 (Thursday, November 9)

Morning

	Now I'm officially worried.  What could have happened?  I still
can't get through to her.  I had hoped Bleys might know where she is, but
he seemed as clueless as I, although he did his best to hide it.  At least
he's looking into it now.  What else can I do?  I certainly can't go
searching shadow for her.  Lavender might know where she is, but I don't
have her trump and she won't be here for several hours.  Could Fiona be on
a mission for Random?  One way to find out.  I need to talk to him,
anyway.  Gods, I've got to find her.  The tumor gains ground much more
rapidly than we do, and if she isn't found soon we'll be back where we
started.  Or worse.  And I fear Riftvan doesn't have the strength to
through this again.  I haven't told him yet.  I can't bear to interrupt
the rest he so badly needs in order to tell him that the past 10 months of
suffering may have been for nothing.  Not until I've done all I can to
find her.

	Our talk went better than I'd hoped.  I really do like Random,
when he isn't acting as king and ordering me around.  Why couldn't Eric
have stayed king?  Or Corwin?  He says no one tells him anything, anyway.
What's the point in even having a king if no one respects the position?
OK, I haven't been giving it much respect myself, but I wasn't raised with
this crazy form of government.  My aunts and uncles were, though, so
what's their excuse?

	Unfortunately, Random hasn't seen Fiona since Tuesday and the only
thing he could think of to do was contact Bleys, which I've already done.
I suppose I should feel reassured that he found nothing I missed, but I
find little solace in this since my efforts thus far have yielded nothing.
There's nothing left for me to do other than return home and wait for
Lavender.  And clean up Mother's aftermath.  Random was surprised that I
left the children with her, but I think being around them is helping her,
and I don't leave them with her for long.  Being around family who love
her has got to help.  Or so I hope.  Something's got to.

	I swear, there was more frosting than cake in those cupcakes.  The
children are going to be bouncing off of the walls all day now.  I cannot
seem to make her understand that this much sugar isn't good for them.  Or
her, for that matter.  No wonder she's always so hyper.  Talking to her is
so incredibly frustrating.  It's worse than talking to a child!  Gods help
me, I don't know if I have the patience to continue this.  But if I don't
try to help her, who will?  It's unlikely that anyone besides Random and G
rard cares what happens to her.

	It was stupid of me to leave.  He woke up while I was gone.  I
should be grateful Mother remembered to tell me at all.  He wants me to
remove the tumor.  Out in shadow, because any wound of his will burn this
close to the Pattern.  I don't want to do this, but what choice do I have?
We can't wait for Fiona.  She may never return, and then he'll die.  And
the tumor has to be removed quickly, or I won't be able to do it at all.
But how am I going to get him into shadow?  He's in no shape for a
Hellride.  Ahab could bring us there, but then he'd know what Riftvan
really looks like.  What if he refuses to help Riftvan at all?  And how
can I operate effectively on a shapeshifter?  It has to be possible, or
Riftvan wouldn't have asked me, but I've never done anything like this
before.  What if I fail, and he dies?

	Enough of this.  I have no choice.  He'll die if I do nothing and
I won't allow that to happen.  Ahab will either help or I'll find another
way.  But I'd prefer Ahab.  I trust him more than anyone else.

Afternoon

	It's over.  The tumor is destroyed and Riftvan still lives.  He's
been unconscious since I finished the surgery, but he's breathing
regularly and his pulse is strong.  This was one of the hardest things
I've ever done.  Riftvan had to remain conscious and free of painkillers
during the procedure to keep his body from trying to heal before we were
done.  I know Fiona's treatments were just as painful, but then I was
blocking the pain.  This time I was causing it.  It was all I could do to
keep going, knowing how much I was hurting him.  Naturally, none of this
bothered Ahab.  I was hoping his attitude towards Riftvan had become less
sadistic, but...  At least he was willing to assist me, so I can't fault
him too much.  I think he particularly enjoyed stabbing the tumor with
Morglyph.  It burst into flame when he did so.  I thought only Pattern
could do that to Chaos?  Does Morglyph have Pattern in it, then?  Does
Alastor as well?  They were created the same way...

	Mama.  She said "Mama."  I think I'm still in shock.  It was just
so unexpected.  We were standing around talking while Caitt made lunch,
and she walked over and said "Mama."  Everything that's happened today,
and that one little word made it all better somehow.  I can't wait until
Riftvan wakes up, so he can hear.

Evening

	Kira finally deigned to return home.  I was starting to get
worried.  I'm still pissed at her for taking off without warning me like
she did.  It's a good thing Lavender and Caitt could watch the children.
I wonder if Lavender ever realizes how lucky she is?  Her foster mother is
still alive and is a wonderful, caring woman.  Her biological mother is
also alive and appears to love her.  For all I know, her father is alive
as well.  My foster parents have been dead for years, my father died
before I was born, and my mother...  My mother cannot be trusted with her
own grandchildren unsupervised for more than a few hours.  She seems to
live in her own world and there are times when I wonder if she'd even
notice if I died.  I know she's not well, and it's not her fault, but
sometimes I wish she was more like Caitt.  It's selfish, and I feel
terrible about it, but...  I can't help thinking how nice it would be to
have someone looking out for me the way Caitt does for Lavender.

Amber, year five, day 61 (Friday, November 10)

Early morning

	It feels so odd to be sitting here with Riftvan and not have to
block his pain.  He's finally free of it, after what seems like an
eternity.  Has it really only been 10 months since this all began?  I know
it's not really over yet, not until he's well again.  But for the first
time in a long time, I feel a real sense of hope.  I didn't realize how
much I'd despaired of his ever recovering, until now.  Now it feels like I
can finally relax.  I pray the feeling lasts.

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