Amber, year five, day 58 continued

	Bart actually apologized for his behavior.  Will wonders never 
cease?  He claims he was merely trying to follow surface customs, 
which leaves me wondering who was advising him.  I almost feel bad 
about letting him stew for an hour before seeing him.  Almost.  But 
he did drop by uninvited, and I had the children to tend to.  I don't 
know what Kira was thinking anyway when she let him in.  She 
knew I didn't want to see him again.  It turned out for the best, but 
I'm still annoyed at her.  I don't care how much she may be attracted 
to him, I do not give such orders lightly, and when I do I expect 
them to be obeyed.  I still don't like Bart very much.  I haven't 
forgotten that his interference prevented me from killing Sand.  But 
the anger doesn't burn as hot as it did almost a year ago, and at least 
he was willing to apologize for one of his mistakes, which is more 
than some, like that bastard Usires, have ever done.  Besides, I have 
no desire to make any more enemies unnecessarily.  Sand is bad 
enough.

	Back when Ahab was actively trying to kill Riftvan, he tried to 
explain to me why he felt it necessary to take such an extreme 
action.  He said that as long as Riftvan lived, he would never feel 
safe.  I didn't understand that at the time, but I do now.  As long as 
Sand lives, I will never truly feel safe.  There will always be the 
chance that someday she will return and I will lose Riftvan and our 
children.  And all the arguments about how rough her life was, and 
how killing family is bad, do not change that.  That's why I was 
willing to risk my life in order to end hers.  I've been thinking about 
this, and I've decided I need to learn what was done with her after 
all.  Because, despite Random's assurances, I cannot believe we have 
seen the last of her until I know what happened to her.  Even 
knowing her fate probably won't help, but it would at least tell me 
under what circumstances she might return.  How much simpler 
things would be if Bart and Lyss had not interfered...

	It would seem that Lyss still dwells in Rebma.  Could she still 
be hiding from me?  Was I that terrifying to behold when I went 
after Sand?  I should probably have Ahab talk to her about it.  No, I 
should talk to her myself.  While I admit it is somewhat satisfying to 
think of her hiding in fear of me, I do not feel that vengeful towards 
her.  She's not a bad person at heart, just a rather stupid one.  I 
suppose in that respect she and Bart deserve each other.

Afternoon

	Felix showed up on my doorstep unexpectedly.  I haven't seen 
him since that performance of his out in shadow.  Apparently he's 
been rather out of touch, as he still thought I only had Jalana to raise.  
I guess Foster didn't bother to fill him in.  Why am I not surprised?  
Judging by his interaction with Vincent, I guess Felix has never spent 
any time around small children.  The arrival of his sibling should 
give him a wonderful opportunity to make up for that.  He's rather 
nervous about having left Foster alone out in shadow.  For some 
reason, he fears he'll return to find Foster older than himself.  I don't 
know where Felix gets these ideas from.  Mind you, I'm sure Foster 
will have gotten into some mischief, but he loves his father and I 
can't imagine he'd do something that would hurt Felix that much.  
You'd think that after this much time Felix would have learned that.  
He needs to have more confidence, both in Foster and himself.

	Lavender received a whole room full of flowers from a secret 
admirer.  I think the whole thing is rather sweet, but she's just 
annoyed by the mystery.  I wonder who it could be?  It shows more 
maturity than I would expect from Foster at his age and hormonal 
state.  It would be an awfully fast change of heart for Driscoll, 
considering they just figured out why he finds her so familiar.  
Apparently her shadow was one of his lovers, until he fed her to a 
dragon.  So both of their shadows met a bad end at the hands of each 
other.  Hardly the most auspicious way to begin a relationship, but 
there have been worse ones.  I suppose the mystery man could be 
Shard, but if so it shows more initiative than he used to be capable 
of.  Maybe it was Battlestar's idea.  Or maybe his experience with 
Sand and Dalt matured him.  Stranger things have happened.  
Lavender should just relax and not worry about it.  The mystery will 
resolve itself in time.  But she doesn't seem to be the patient type 
and if this admirer knows her well he will change his tactics before 
she finds his gifts more irritating than welcome.

Evening

	Lavender's secret admirer has struck again.  This time he left 
chocolates, which she generously shared.  I don't understand why 
this is bothering her so much.  She should be flattered.

Amber, year five, day 59 (Wednesday, November 8)

	I got a list of instructors from Benedict today.  He suggested I 
wait until I'm no longer nursing before working with any of them.  
Which won't be for another couple of months, but I'm in no real 
hurry.

	I've requested a meeting with Random.  It's time we settled 
things between us.  It's ridiculous that it's gone on so long.  I offered 
my apology nearly a year ago, and if he refuses to accept it I will 
know the reason why.  Nothing good can come of letting this fester.  
Sand is an excellent example of what results from that.  Like it or 
not, he is my closest living relative after my mother, and we should 
not be at such odds.  It's a pity that he's the king.  All of our conflicts 
seem to stem from his actions (or lack thereof) in that role.