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Amber, year four, day 126 continued

	I fear I have made an enemy today.  Well, not made so much 
as changed my position on her shit list.  Up until now, I think Sand 
has always viewed me as something to use against Riftvan, but not 
much more than that.  And perhaps she blamed me as the reason 
why Riftvan left her.  I don't know.  I don't think she viewed me 
with the same animosity that she viewed Riftvan and Theresa, 
though.  With my fostering of her children, this has probably 
changed.  I suspect she blames Random more, since he took them 
away from her, but I doubt she's pleased with my participation, 
either.  I'm torn over this.  I dislike taking a woman's children away 
from her.  But I honestly don't believe the children would be better 
off remaining with her.  Fiona may think she's changed, but I saw 
little evidence of that.  I'd hate to think of how she'd raise her sons.  
I keep thinking of Foster and the things she told him of Amber.  I 
suspect Riftvan's presence in his life is the only thing that kept him 
from being completely turned against us before he came here.  I 
cannot allow her to warp the childhood of two more children in the 
manner she did Foster's.  Even if she hates me for it.  And I find that 
there is a part of me that derives a small amount of satisfaction from 
this.  She has done her level best to take something very precious 
away from me, and this last time she may have succeeded.  Now she 
knows something of what that feels like.

Amber, year four, day 128 (Monday, January 16)

	Riftvan has decided to name the boys Vincent and Shannon.  
The first one doesn't surprise me.  It was one of the names he 
proposed for Morgan.  I suppose I should be thankful he didn't name 
the other baby Frank.

Amber, year four, day 130 (Wednesday, January 18)

	I really enjoy Ahab's visits.  His reaction upon seeing Shannon 
and Vincent was pure Ahab, and I still chuckle when I think about it.  
And what he told me about Fiona...  I can't believe she did that to 
him.  She has a nasty sense of humor.

	It was good to talk to Ahab about Mother.  He's right, of course.  
I shouldn't let it bother me.  And it hadn't occurred to me that she 
might think she was an embarrassment to me.  I don't see why, 
though.  There are far worse parents I could have had.  Brand, for 
instance.  Or Sand.  Hell, Sand and I have the same hair and eye color.  
Brrrr, now there's an unpleasant thought.  If I didn't know Mirelle 
was my mother, that resemblance would drive me nuts.  I still don't 
know what to do about Mother's reluctance to openly acknowledge 
me as her daughter.  Maybe if I can slowly get her used to the idea 
of being my mother.  It's worth a try.

Amber, year four, day 133 (Saturday, January 21)

	We Named all four of the children today.  Perhaps I never had 
a chance to Name Morgan and Jalana until now so that Shannon and 
Vincent could be Named with them.  I'm just happy I was finally 
able to perform the ceremony.  I wish I could have invited some of 
the family to attend, but it was more important to me that Riftvan be 
there, and I don't want anyone else to see his true form.

Amber, year four, day 140 (Saturday, January 28)

	They've started to rebuild the castle.  Random did something so 
that it's warm up there and they've got construction equipment the 
likes of which I've only seen in shadow.  The work goes on day and 
night, and at night the entire top of the mountain glows.  How is 
Random managing to get electricity to work up there?  I wonder if 
it's a permanent change?  I certainly wouldn't mind.  I rather liked 
the amenities provided by electricity and running water.  I've never 
understood how Amber could be a pole of reality and yet be so 
technologically backward.  Maybe Oberon wanted it that way.  There 
are some bad things that come with technology after all.  Things that 
armor and castle walls are not much defense against.  Still, a little 
advancement wouldn't hurt.

Amber, year four, day 148 (Sunday, February 5)

	He said it had been a year.  I originally assumed that meant a 
year from my perspective and he didn't correct me.  But that seems 
unlikely.  I can't ask him about it now, not in his current condition.  
Someday I do intend to ask him about it, though.  I doubt he's going 
to bring it up on his own.

Amber, year four, day 152 (Thursday, February 9)

	Ahab was right.  The surprise was well worth seeing.  Watching 
Felix compete in that show...  I don't think I've laughed so hard in 
quite a while.  It's good to see Felix taking himself a little less 
seriously.

Amber, year four, day 170 (Monday, February 27)

	It's been a year since Riftvan and I met in Maui.  Things were 
so wonderful then.  Now, I spend my days watching him waste away.  
Gods, it hurts to watch him suffer so much pain.  Pain I'm responsible 
for.  Sometimes I wonder how he goes on.  Seeing the children 
always seem to help, but I wish I could do more for him.  I try my 
best to help with the pain, but the drugs only do so much, and I can't 
block it psychically all the time.  Fiona thinks we may be making 
some progress, albeit very slowly.  I can only pray that the cure 
won't kill him instead.

Amber, year four, day 186 (Wednesday, March 15)

	I'm so tired.  Even when I was interning in med. school, it 
wasn't this bad.  Sometimes I just want to collapse in a heap and not 
move for a year.  It's amazing how much attention four infants 
require, not to mention caring for Riftvan.  If it wasn't for Kira's 
assistance, I think I'd have dropped dead of exhaustion by now.  But 
it's all worth it when the children smile at me.

Amber, year four, day 205 (Monday, April 3)

	Lavender's invited the family on some sort of hunting 
expedition.  I plan to go.   I shouldn't be gone from Amber for more 
then a day at the very most, and I really need a break.  There's 
something therapeutic about spending a few hours in unrestrained 
violence.  And I'm looking forward to seeing people again.  
Sometimes I feel so isolated here.

Amber, year four, day 207 (Wednesday, April 5)

	The Wild Hunt was not quite what I expected.  Oh, the first part 
was satisfying enough.  We rode through shadow killing everything 
in sight.  Apparently on this night it is assumed that all who are 
outdoors and not on a hunt are fair game.  Lavender claims that most 
of those we encountered were spirits turned corporeal.  All I know is 
that they bled and they died, and that was enough.  If only most of 
my problems could be handled so simply.

	If I'd known what the second part would be like, I doubt I 
would have gone.  We found an inn somewhere, everyone but Foster 
got extremely drunk (well, Bleys was drunk already), and the usual 
activities followed.  I could not bring myself to participate.  I do not 
think I will ever allow myself to be that vulnerable again.  I envy 
Felix.  There was a time when I would think nothing of doing what 
he did.  Watching him really hit home how much I've changed since 
coming to Amber.  I suppose I could have left, but I didn't want 
anyone to know how much it bothered me.  So I stayed and 
encouraged the others, for lack of anything else to do.  Not that Felix 
needed any encouragement.  Nor Shard, who reacted much more 
favorably to the woman I directed his way this time than he did at 
that dance so long ago.  It's Ahab who surprised me the most.  I've 
often wondered if he only married Kimdyl for Nicholas' sake, but it 
seems he regards their marriage as something more than that, and 
that conviction holds even when he's drunk.  I find my respect for 
him increased by this.  He is a good man.

Amber, year four, day 210 (Saturday, April 8)

	I've decided to get a place on the ocean.  I grew up by it and I 
find myself missing it.  It was nice staying at Gerard's home last 
summer.  And I would have more space for my garden.

Amber, year four, day 236 (Thursday, May 4)

	I found just the place, and the location is absolutely perfect.  I 
can't wait to move out there.  Fiona agrees that moving Riftvan 
shouldn't be a problem.  The change of location might even be good 
for him.

Amber, year four, day 249 (Wednesday, May 17)

	Riftvan has pneumonia.  He must have caught it in the move.  
It's my fault.  All of this is my fault.  The Hendrakes don't have to 
kill him.  If they wait long enough, I'll wind up doing it for them.  I'm 
beginning to think he'd be better off without me.

Amber, year four, day 260 (Sunday, May 28)

	He's survived the pneumonia, the gods only know how, but 
we've lost much of the progress we'd made on the tumor.  And 
there's no way we can move him again.  I hadn't planned on being so 
far from the city during the winter, but there's nothing that can be 
done about it.  I won't risk him getting ill again, not after coming so 
close to losing him this time.

Amber, year four, day 284 (Wednesday, June 21)

	Riftvan no longer remembers when his Birthday is, so I decided 
to celebrate it today, on the same date that we met in Maui.  I did I 
best to make it enjoyable for him, but there's so little I can do to help 
him.  It's so frustrating

Amber, year four, day 296 (Monday, July 3)

	I think I've finally gotten a handle on the Faerie language.  I'm 
not certain why I continued to study it, when it doesn't seem likely 
that we'll be returning to Tir-na Nog'th any time soon.  Maybe 
because I hate leaving something unfinished.  And given that the 
children are half-Faerie, they should be taught to speak it.  Besides, if 
I'm going to learn the magic, knowing the language can't hurt.  
Lavender has agreed to teach me what she knows of Faerie magic.  
I'm helping her with her fencing in exchange, and I find myself 
looking forward to our sessions.  It's a good outlet for my 
frustrations.

Amber, year five, day 1 (Monday, September 11)

	Another Birthday, come and gone.  My 54th.  It's hard to 
believe that I was still pregnant at this point last year.  So much has 
happened since then.  I never thought I'd have four children in my 
care.  It frightens me how much has changed in the space of one 
year.  What will the next one bring?  Hopefully Riftvan's recovery.  
It's not fair that he has to watch his children grow up while he's too 
weak to do more than hold them.

Amber, year five, day 24 (Wednesday, October 4)

	Morgan and Jalana's eyes appear to be turning brown.  I guess 
they'll wind up with my father's eye color.  My birth father, that is.  
I'm suppose I'm happy about that.  All I have from him is a few 
memories from Mother, and the features that I've inherited from 
him.  Except for my eyes.  Where did I get my green eyes from?  It's 
odd that Morgan and Jalana take so much after my side of the family.  
Shannon and Vincent look much more like their father.

Amber, year five, day 30 (Tuesday, October 10)

	Gerard and Isabeux are expecting another child.  We seem to 
be having quite the Amber baby boom.  I wonder how Felix reacted 
to the news?  It must be odd to know you'll soon have a brother or 
sister who will be younger than your own child.  I don't know what 
I'd do if Mother got pregnant again.

Amber, year five, day 37 (Tuesday, October 17)

	Lavender invited those of us with children to celebrate 
Beauty's third Birthday with her.  It was good to see the family 
again.  Nicholas was especially amusing.  He really does take after his 
father.  Driscoll was a little off.  Not surprising given what's 
happened to him.  What's odd is that he seemed to recognize 
Lavender.  Despite the fact that he never laid eyes on her until after 
his amnesia.  I'll have to ask her about that.  Foster has hit his 
growth spurt at last, just like I told him he would.  He didn't like 
being reminded of that and patted me on the head.  I hate it when 
people do that.  He was pretty disconcerted when I kissed his nose, 
though, so I doubt he'll be doing it again.

Amber, year five, day 40 (Friday, October 20)

	I asked Lavender about Driscoll today.  It would seem that 
Calamus was a shadow of him.  She suspects that perhaps there was 
a shadow of her in Bedlam as well.  Apparently she hasn't talked to 
him yet.  I suggested she try Eris as well.  Or Heather, although I 
listed that as a last resort.  I like Lavender and don't want to see her 
used by Heather, and Heather uses people by her very nature.

	I wonder if shadows of myself exist?  It's not something that's 
occurred to me before.  I suppose they must.  I think it would be 
rather odd to come face to face with one.  I'd just as soon avoid that.

Amber, year five, day 54 (Friday, November 3)

	The treatments aren't having any effect anymore and Fiona is 
at a loss to explain why.  Gods, he cannot have endured this much 
pain only to die now.  There must be something I can do.

Amber, year five, day 56 (Sunday, November 5)

	Bart had the nerve to come by today asking to see "the man of 
the house."  What sort of crap do they teach men down in Rebma?  
He wouldn't say what he wanted to see Riftvan for, only that it had 
to do with magic.  I wouldn't let him in.  Riftvan's in no condition to 
do anything as strenuous as magic.  I almost said as much to Bart, 
but it's really none of his business.  And the arrogant ass had the 
nerve to keep standing in my doorway and insisting that I check 
with Riftvan.  As if I was going to change my mind because he looked 
put out.  I don't know what sort of people he's used to dealing with, 
but that won't work with me.

	Random confirmed that Sand will not be brought to trial.  I 
wish I could say I'm surprised.  He seemed surprised that I didn't 
demand to know what he did.  I'm sure he's been asked that a lot 
today.  Truth is, I just don't have the energy to deal with it right 
now.  Once I find out what he did with her, I know I'll start dwelling 
on all the ways she could escape.  Besides, I didn't want to give him 
the satisfaction.

Amber, year five, day 57 (Monday, November 6)

	Lavender brought Foster with her today.  He's even taller than 
when last I saw him.  He still gets embarrassed over the oddest 
things though.  He apparently lost to her in some video game and it 
bothered him to the point that he was threatening her if she told me 
the details.  The boy really needs to learn to distinguish between the 
trivial and the truly important.

	Training Lavender is all well and good, but it's not helping my 
own skills much.  I need to find an instructor here.  I'd especially like 
to improve my hand fighting skills.  I haven't worked much on those 
since I returned from shadow.  Maybe Benedict could recommend 
someone.

	I think I may have hit upon something to help Riftvan.  He 
doesn't really have the strength to stay awake long enough to eat 
what his body requires to fight this thing and he's been losing weight 
steadily since the treatments began.  I guess he's reached the point 
where there's nothing left to use.  I may be able to use a PEG tube to 
deal with this, but I don't know how well it will work on a 
shapeshifter.  I'm going to have to insert it into his stomach, and Eral 
knows how his body will react to that.  But it's the best solution I can 
think of.

Amber, year five, day 58 (Tuesday, November 7)

	I think his body's finally stopped rejecting the damn thing.  
Thank the gods.  I really wasn't looking forward to reinserting it yet 
again, and I know Riftvan wasn't either.  He's not happy about it in 
general, but there's nothing else I can do.  He does look a little better, 
so at least it appears to be helping.