Amber, year four, day 112 (continued) Ahab's plan sounds like it just might work. It's simple and relatively straightforward. I'm hoping that will be an advantage in this case. Sand seems to work best when she's being sneaky, not when she's pressed openly. And even she shouldn't be able to hold off all of us. Ahab wants to include Usires in the group, which bothered me at first. But that ax of his is a pretty good weapon, and we need more fighters along. Besides, I'll admit I won't be heartbroken if he doesn't make it back from this. At least Ahab isn't planning to ask Foster along. He does have a stake in this, but, for all his maturity, he's just a child, and this could prove to be a bloodbath. Afternoon Riftvan's annoyed at me. He has no right to be. So I dumped some snow down his back. It's nothing compared to the grief he gave me the other day while he was drunk. Besides, there was nothing preventing him from retaliating. I've been in snow so infrequently in my life, and we really didn't have anything else to do. Shard was not where Lavender left him, and I could do nothing to find him. Well fine. I wanted to spend the time before this expedition with him, but if he's going to be that way, I'll find something else to do. I wonder if Mother's around? Talking with Lavender has reminded me that I never determined what name she gave me when I was born and I find myself rather curious. Mercedes. She named me Mercedes. Mother always has been rather whimsical, but naming me after the car I was conceived in? I suppose it could have been worse. I wonder if Sand was conceived on a beach and her mother had the same frame of mind? It would explain how Sand wound up with such an odd name. Mercedes. It doesn't sound that bad, now that I'm getting used to it. But I like the name my parents gave me better. Ahab is backing out. I can't believe this! And he says Fiona acts immature? After all my agonizing over coming on this expedition, he's backing out. And without him, it becomes much more difficult. Lovely. Sometimes I just want to smack him. On the other hand, I'm really starting to get annoyed by my supposed elders. Random's acting rather odd since he came back, and I'm still not convinced everything's right with his head. Vialle would know, but she's still with Driscoll. So what now? I guess I'll have to contact Fiona. That will be fun. She's probably still pissed at me. Will wonders never cease? Fiona decided to come out of hiding and take over the mission. So now Ahab wants to come along. I don't get it. If he didn't want to be in charge, why didn't he just say so? Ahab's hard to read sometimes. No matter. We're leaving as soon as everyone's ready. And Fiona says she can block Sand from mind-blasting us. Which is good, because apparently the process of expelling her from her shadow won't be as fast as Ahab had been led to believe. Lyss' boyfriend, the Rebman who was wandering around after the castle blew up, seems rather upset that he isn't being told the full plan for the attack, but it would be stupid for Ahab to share his secret with everyone. I didn't notice Bart volunteering his capabilities for the crowd, either. Why did he think we'd be any different? Riftvan has decided to come after all. Damn. I don't like this at all. He's stuck in a form that even he admits is not suited to fighting. Why did he have to change his mind? I can't ask him to stay behind though. He has a greater stake in this than I do, and if I wouldn't stay when he asked me to, I can hardly ask him to do the same. At least I have my own form back again. It's nice to feel like me again, although I do miss the extra height. Evening There aren't words enough to describe what I'm feeling right now. The man I love more than anything else in my life is dying, and I'm responsible. Why did he insist on coming? I wanted him to stay in Amber where it was safe. I think he came along more to keep an eye on me than anything else. And I... I ran him through. It all happened so fast. Sand was in my mind like I wasn't even there. How could she have done that so quickly? I should have been strong enough to stop her. Or at least held her off long enough to do something. How could I do that to him? I keep seeing the look on his face... It will haunt me for the rest of my life. If he dies, it will have been at my hand. I can't live with that. But I'm going to make sure Sand goes before I do. Haldor curse every one of those cowards who kept me from her! What the hell were they thinking? They came along knowing the goal was to kill her. And then they balk because she's pregnant? I wasn't going to kill the child, damn it. As far along as she is, the baby would survive her death. Who is the child's father, anyway? Probably Riftvan. What do I do if it is? If he really loves me, why did he continue to sleep with her? Why did she sleep with him when she wants him dead? And why didn't she abort the pregnancy? It doesn't make any sense. What do I do now? If Random comes to his senses and executes Sand, am I willing to raise her child? I've always believed children are not to blame for the actions of their parents. I even said as much to Mother when she wanted to kill Rinaldo. And I still believe it. Certainly Sand cannot be allowed to keep the child. She apparently played a significant part in Foster's upbringing and look how she used him. No child should be subjected to that. I finally know what Riftvan really looks like, but that's not important anymore. Nothing matters except that he live. Gods, why does this keep happening to me? In the span of six days, I've lost my son, almost lost Riftvan, been kidnapped, lost Riftvan and the children again, and now I may lose him forever. I must be cursed. I wish Vialle was here. Maybe she could make sense of this for me. All I know is that if he dies, I will die with him. I could not go on knowing his blood was on my hands. I told him about Sand's pregnancy. I wasn't planning to so soon, but he knew something was bothering me... He looked so shocked by the news that I'm convinced it was a surprise to him. He admits it's possible that the child is his, but it would have to be from a year ago. The only way it makes any sense is if Sand spent most of the past year in a slow time shadow, since she wasn't showing when she kidnapped me, and then sped her shadow up after destroying the castle. Why would she do that, though? Frankly, I don't care anymore. I still can't believe that Fiona, of all people, is willing to help Riftvan. It was only a few days ago that she was telling me what a hole I'd fallen into by loving him. Why is she doing this? Maybe she enjoys the pain it causes him? Or maybe it's too good an experiment for her to pass up? I doubt anyone's ever tried curing Chaos cancer with Pattern before. No matter. The fact remains that without her help, Riftvan would be dead for sure. I owe her for that. I've had it with Amber, though, and several of my relatives here. Random and Benedict have a lot of nerve. They let us take all the risk in attacking Sand, then they decide what happens to her when she's caught? They have no right to do that. No right at all! They sicken me. I used to think that maybe Benedict was trustworthy, but it seems he plays the same game as all the others. Well they can rot in Hades for all I care. Amber, year four, day 113 (Sunday, January 1) Morning Lavender came by to get Beauty, and I'm afraid I managed to get in quite an argument with her and Fiona. Sand is to be put on trial, and if the attitudes expressed by Fiona and Lavender are common, she'll be allowed to live. Most of what they said was unconvincing, but I didn't want to argue any more about it. Especially since I need Fiona's help. She did get me to thinking, though. It was less than a year ago that I wanted Riftvan's death almost as badly as I want Sand's now. If I hadn't found out about my parents, I would have killed him that time on the beach. Or died trying. And I never would have gotten to know him. Now I love him so much that I can't conceive of life without him. Maybe Lavender's remark about killing Sand with kindness wasn't that far off the mark. I don't know what happened that drove her away from Amber, but it must have hurt her greatly. People don't wall off their emotions like she did under normal circumstances. Could she learn to feel again? I don't know. What Fiona told me makes it sound like maybe she's changed. Concern for those in her shadow is not something I would have expected from her. And the pregnancy has to have changed her. You can't carry a child inside of you for nine months and not be affected. The fact that she chose to keep the baby at all is significant. On the other hand, what she forced me to do to Riftvan indicates that she hasn't changed all that much. If someone reached out to her, would she respond? I don't know. I guess I could bear her continued existence if somehow she was able to be reformed. Providing Riftvan lives. Gods forgive me, I'm just not a good enough person to forgive her if he dies. Afternoon I know his name at last. His birth one. It suits him. Ironically, it's one of the names I was considering for Morgan. I wonder how he would have reacted if I'd suggested it instead of Morgan? He was amused by my name and thinks it says more about me. I don't know. I looked Mercedes up in my book, and it means tender or merciful compassion, which are not words I've usually been associated with. Then again, Ariana means chaste or most holy or pleasing one, and that's definitely not me. Well, I'd like to think the last part is, under certain circumstances. Interestingly enough, it turns out that Ariana is a variant of Ariadne. Amber, year four, day 114 (Monday, January 2) I have Morgan back again. It's obvious that Riftvan won't be leaving Amber soon, so there was no choice but to retrieve him from Oberon. All the effort we put into hiding his existence was for nothing. I cannot keep his presence here a secret for long. Damn. Another thing I owe Sand for. At least Riftvan thinks we should be safe from the Hendrakes here, so long as magic and Logrus remain inoperable. Of course, this means I'm essentially trapped here. Amber, year four, day 117 (Thursday, January 5) Ahab dropped by today. He wants me to help him learn some emergency medical training. Given how often he's been injured, he's probably already got a better grasp of it than most. I gave him some books and promised to go over it with him, but there's really no substitute for practical experience. Then again, knowing Ahab, that won't be a problem. He and Kimdyl are apparently planning to take a vacation in Hawaii. I envy him. I really liked Maui, more than any other place I've ever been. If I could safely raise the children anywhere, it would be there. He also invited me into shadow to see "something ridiculous" that Felix is doing. I'd like to go. He says it would only require my absence from Amber for a few hours. Kira shouldn't have any trouble watching the twins for that long, and I'd be back before Fiona needed to treat Riftvan again. At any rate, it won't be for a month or so. Maybe things will be better by then. He also told me why Sand left Amber originally. Oberon killed her mother. That really hits close to home for me. It still doesn't justify what she's done to Foster, Driscoll, Murine, Delwin or Riftvan. I don't hate Mother for killing Father, but even if I did, I wouldn't blame the rest of the family for it. It does explain what set Sand down the road she's traveled, though. So many of my relatives have been hurt by the actions of their parents. It frightens me a bit. How do I know I won't do the same to Morgan and Jalana? Amber, year four, day 121 (Monday, January 8) Flora wants to know what I'd like my quarters to be like when the castle is rebuilt. I don't really care at the moment, but I guess I'd better put some thought into it. I don't want to live there now, but I probably will at some point in the future. And it will be too late then to complain. Amber, year four, day 126 (Saturday, January 14) Sand delivered twins. Twin boys to be exact. There's little doubt that Riftvan is the father. They even have his hair and ears. And he said he almost never had male offspring. He's three for the last four right now. Random has given custody of them to me. I still don't know what to think of that. I want to raise them. They are a part of Riftvan, but even if they weren't, I don't think I could turn them away. Children are the most precious thing there is in this world. It had always been my sorrow that I never had any of my own, and my greatest joy was when I held my son and daughter in my arms for the first time. I could never turn any child away. Even if they aren't mine by blood, they will be mine by love. The same way I was to my parents and they were to me. I do feel somewhat uneasy about taking them from Sand, though. Random gave me very little information about her feelings on the matter. Did she want to keep them? Was she glad to see them go? That time when she kidnapped all of the children, she showed great distaste when handling Nicholas. I cannot imagine that woman would want to care for one infant, much less two. But then why didn't she terminate the pregnancy? It makes no sense. What if she did care for them? If that's true, then by taking them away from her, Random has ruined any chance for reforming her. And what if she is set free her at her trial? Would I have to give them back to her? I haven't even laid eyes on them yet, but already I don't want to lose them.