Foil, year four, day 111

Morning

	Lavender came by at an ungodly hour of the morning wanting 
to talk to Riftvan about some sort of bad dream she had.  I wasn't 
sleeping very well, anyway.  Chairs just aren't meant for sleeping, 
but I didn't feel like sharing a bed with Riftvan last night.  I told 
Lavender to go ahead and ask him, but she didn't want to wake him 
up.  Why did she come by so early, then?  I don't know what she was 
thinking.  She managed to wake the twins up, of course.  My only 
comfort is that their crying woke Riftvan up, and with the hangover 
he must have, I'm sure it was excruciating.  He didn't look like he 
was very happy.  Good.  He was of little help to Lavender, but she 
should have been expecting that.  No one is very cooperative when 
tired and hung over.

	 Ahab is going after Sand soon.  With or without Benedict's 
help.  I suspect his fight with Lyss has something to do with his 
impatience to "do something stupid."  It seems I'll have to make up 
my mind sooner than I thought.  Given how pissed I am at Riftvan, 
I'm inclined to go along.  I just want to hit something right now.  I 
told Ahab as much.  He says he'll contact me after he's talked to 
Benedict.  I can't believe Benedict would wait until spring to pursue 
Sand.  It doesn't make any sense.

	Fiona isn't talking to Lavender.  No real surprise there.  She's 
probably pouting off in shadow somewhere.  For all of her power, she 
can be very childish sometimes.  I feel badly for Lavender though.  
It's tough to be dumped in Amber without any support.  And to have 
a mother who won't acknowledge you.  I know what that's like.  
There are some interesting parallels in our introductions to Amber.  
We even started off with the same trumps.  Well, almost the same.  
My first trump was the one Sand gave me of herself.  How ironic that 
we are in opposition now.  Ahab and Felix helped me a lot in the 
beginning and I'm hoping they will help Lavender as well.  I wish I 
could help her more, but circumstances prevent me from being in 
Amber right now.

	At least I may finally have a chance to perform the Naming 
ceremony.  Lavender's grove has the right feel to it, and I have both 
of the children with me.  Of course, it will have to wait until I'm on 
speaking terms with Riftvan again.  No sign of him since I got up this 
morning, but that suits me fine.

	That sketch of me is certainly getting passed around.  Now 
Foster appears to have it.  Apparently Felix wants Lavender to 
return to Amber to undo that spell she cast the other day.  I find the 
whole thing too amusing to wish her any luck at it.  The idea of Alex, 
the scheming Chaos ambassador, walking around unable to tell a lie 
without turning blue...  It's absolutely delicious!  I suppose it's too 
much to hope that he's stuck with it for a while.

Afternoon

	I can't believe he's never been drunk before.  I suppose it's 
possible, and it would explain a lot.  Foster is living proof of how 
young they teach shapeshifting, and I doubt Riftvan's life has ever 
been such that he could afford to get drunk.  Given that, I can forgive 
him.  This time.  I didn't want to speak to him at all, but he kept 
looking at me with those big eyes of his and I just couldn't ignore 
him.  The rose didn't hurt any.  Or the chocolate ice cream.  Damn, 
but he can be sweet when he wants to be.  I've always loved that 
about him.  And, let's face it, I can never stay mad at him for long.  I 
love him too much.  My fatal flaw, I suppose.  I can think of worse 
ones.

	Gods, it's been far too long since I've enjoyed myself like this.  
Months, at least.  I wish I could feel this way forever.  For once I 
wasn't worried about Sand, or the Hendrakes, or anything at all.  It's 
a shame it couldn't last.  I swear that sketch is cursed.  Shard used it 
to interrupt me the very first time I made love to Riftvan, and the 
timing hasn't gotten any better.  On the other hand, it was preferable 
to being surprised when Lavender returned with Foster, Felix and 
Alex, of all people.  I'd just love for the Chaos ambassador to know 
Morgan is still alive.  I should have guessed they'd ask Riftvan for 
help if Lavender couldn't remove the spell.  I just wish they could 
have waited a little longer.

Amber (Friday, December 30)

Evening

	Riftvan didn't have any trouble removing the spell.  Pity.  At 
least we're back in Amber again.  If only Morgan could be here too, 
everything would be perfect.  Or close to it.

	Ahab's spoken to Benedict.  He really isn't going to do anything 
for months.  He had no objections to Ahab trying something though.  
Great.  I'm suppose I'm being paranoid, but there's a part of me that 
wonders if Benedict wouldn't be more likely to take action if he 
didn't know Ahab would.  But there's no chance of that.  Ahab will 
go, even if he does so alone.  And I've decided to help him.  I can't 
afford to wait.  I'm afraid Sand will go after Riftvan again.  Or the 
twins.  I know Riftvan told me that she wouldn't hurt them, that it 
would be crossing a line, but after what she did to him, I doubt she 
cares anymore.  I just want some peace, and there will be none while 
she lives.

	He doesn't want me to go.  For some reason it didn't occur to 
me that he might object.  I guess I wasn't thinking.  But there doesn't 
seem to be any other option.  I know there's a chance I might not 
come back.  And I don't want to die.  Not now.  I want to watch our 
children grow up, to see them walk for the first time, to hear them 
speak their first words.  If I go with Ahab, I may never see any of 
that.  If only there was another way.  But there isn't.  Even Riftvan 
couldn't think of an alternative.  Other than hiding in Faerie.  And 
that's not an option.  I'm willing to stay there until the children are 
grown, but not for the rest of my life.  I can't live that way.  And it 
was hardly safe from Sand the last time.  Riftvan seems to think 
Sand will be only be going him and Theresa now.  I'm not sure why 
she wants Theresa, but I suspect her hatred of Riftvan has to do with 
their past relationship.  It seems they were lovers as well as allies.  I 
suspected as much.  I don't know.  Maybe I could overlook 
everything she did, if I thought she would leave us alone from now 
on.  Maybe.  But not if she will keep going after Riftvan.  Every time 
he was gone I'd be worried that she had him again.  I know he's been 
dealing with the Hendrakes for centuries, and he claims he can deal 
with Sand.  I might have believed him at one time.  But she managed 
to capture him once, and that was when he could still shapeshift.  I'm 
amazed that she didn't kill him.  I won't risk it again.  Not when I 
might be able to stop her.  And I couldn't live with myself if Ahab 
and the others tried and failed when I could have helped.

	None of this makes it any easier to go, however.  Riftvan thinks 
I'm unhappy because of what he's told me.  I'll admit that's part of it, 
but not the way he thinks.  It doesn't matter to me that Sand was his 
lover.  It ended before we became seriously involved.  And it's 
actually nice to know where Rygat fit into his family, although it's 
kind of weird to think that Benedict and the twins are related on 
both sides.  I'm just upset because I don't want to leave him and the 
twins.  Unfortunately, what he's told me only makes me more sure 
that I must.  At least he won't be coming along, although he did offer 
to help if we can't get Sand out of her shadow.  But we'd be foolish to 
attack her there.  It's her home ground and Ahab's special ability 
would be nullified.  And without his ability our chances of living 
through this are vastly decreased.  Especially given Sand's facility 
with trump.  I want to have a chance of living through this.  But even 
if I don't, at least Riftvan will survive.  The twins deserve to grow up 
with at least one of their parents.

Amber, year four, day 112 (Saturday, December 31)

Morning

	Another morning in which I was woken up by Lavender.  And 
for once I was sleeping well.  No dreams this time.  Lavender wasn't 
so lucky.  She dreamed that Riftvan made Jalana look like Beauty and 
then killed her.  Damn Sand!  She's obviously trying to get Lavender 
to kill Riftvan.  Fortunately, Lavender is too intelligent for that, but 
she's pretty upset.  As am I.  I know Riftvan would never hurt 
Jalana, but the dream still disturbs me.

	Sand sends the dreams through trump!  I didn't know you 
could do that.  How can you stop something like that, other than by 
hiding in a shadow where trump don't work?  Riftvan says magic 
could block her, but it's not something he can do.  Which means Sand 
could easily keep this sort of thing up long enough to drive you 
insane.  And Riftvan thinks I should leave Sand be?  No, she's made 
it obvious that she won't stop until Riftvan's dead or she is.  I intend 
to make sure it's the latter.

	And then?  Assuming I survive?  Back to Tir-na Nog'th, I guess.  
With Sand gone, maybe we can raise the twins in peace.  Other than 
yesterday afternoon, I haven't had a moment of that since they were 
born, and I doubt Riftvan has either.  If only he could fake his death 
and we could start over...  But that's a pipe dream.  Even if he could 
shapeshift, taking another form might allow the cancer to spread.  
And, unless we fake my death too, any lover I take would be suspect.  
Even the Hendrakes aren't that stupid.  That damn vendetta.  It's so 
pointless, especially now.  Riftvan's House is pretty much gone at this 
point.  He says everyone from it is either dead or married into 
another House.  Except for Murine, I guess.  And Foster.  Isn't that 
enough?  Why does it matter that Morgan is his heir, if he's heir to 
nothing?  I want the Hendrakes' deaths even more than Sand's.  But 
I'd settle for being left alone.

	I guess it's time to talk to Ahab again.  He'll need to know what 
Riftvan told me about Sand.  And I need to ask him whether he told 
Riftvan about his ability.  Something Riftvan said made it sounds like 
he knows.  I hope he didn't find it out from me.