Amber, year 53, day 109 continued

	I must find Sand.  She is the key.  Riftvan disappeared when 
we confronted her, and I think I will find him if I find her.  But is he 
her ally or her prisoner?  No doubt the rest of my relatives believe 
the former, but Vialle once told me to trust my heart, and my heart 
tells me differently.  What worries me is that if Sand has captured 
him, she may have killed him already.  No.  I won't believe that.  He 
has to be alive.  How do I find her?  The only thing I can think of is 
to find the power source for the Spikards.  She's likely to be near it, 
and even if she isn't, we might be able to cut her off from it.  Maybe 
I'll find a clue in Tir-na Nog'th.  I've got to do something.  I cannot 
shake this feeling of dread.

	It appears I won't be making the trip tonight.  Another option 
lost to me.  At least Ahab pulled Felix through in time.  Felix looked 
very upset and he won't say what he saw up there.  He said it was 
about Sand, but it wasn't.  It doesn't make any sense, but I'm sure he 
would have told us if he learned something that could help us.

	Benedict was discouraging.  He knows where Sand is, but he's 
not going to do anything about it until Amber is in better shape.  He 
doesn't think I should remain like this, either.  But how can I change 
back while the children are still in Tir-na Nog'th?  Pattern won't help 
in reaching Sand anyway.  He also warned that I'd be throwing my 
life away if I go after Sand.  I know that.  I'm not stupid enough to 
pursue her alone.  But I can't just sit here and wait until Benedict is 
ready.  If Sand is holding Riftvan, he could be dead by then.  Eral 
only knows what she's doing to him.  If only I could find him...  Gods, 
Riftvan, where are you?

	He's alive!  I finally got through to him and he looks terrible.  It 
hurts to see him in such pain.  The things Sand did to him...  I think 
she cut out his tongue.  The woman has to die.  I tried to pull him 
through, but he's bound and I can't reach him.  I've got to get him 
out of there.  Eral knows no one else will help him.  I don't know 
where he is, but if Sand left him there it can't be anyplace good.  It's 
strange, though...  The woman who was holding him didn't act like 
she was going to kill him.  At least not yet.  And it looks like his 
wounds have been tended to.  Why did Sand decide to leave him 
there?

	The good news is that Fiona survived the castle's destruction.  
The bad news is that Riftvan is being held in her shadow.  Damn.  
Given her amusement at Riftvan's condition, I doubt she's going to 
free him.  This massively complicates things.  Rescuing him from a 
shadow dweller was one thing.  Rescuing him from Fiona...  It won't 
stop me from trying, but it's going to make the attempt much more 
difficult.

Amber, year 53, day 110 (Thursday, December 30)

Morning

	Gods, does my head ache!  Fiona has barred the shadow to 
Pattern and frightened Ahab off.  I guess I'm on my own again.  I 
don't blame Ahab.  I'm impressed he was willing to help me at all.  I 
know how much he dislikes Riftvan.  Why should he risk pissing 
Fiona off to help a man he'd rather see dead?  I don't want to 
antagonize Fiona either, but I won't leave Riftvan there.

	At least I was able to contact him again and make sure he's still 
alive.  Why hasn't he shapeshifted to escape his bonds?  Or heal 
himself?  I didn't think cold iron could stop that.  Then again, I didn't 
know cold iron forced you to tell the truth, either.  Funny how 
Riftvan left that little piece of information out.  I still haven't figured 
out what the advantage is to this form.  There must be one, or 
Riftvan wouldn't use it so much.

	Foster left with Eris last night and took her to Driscoll.  It was a 
terribly risky thing to do, but I understand why he did it.  Of course, 
he should have told Felix before taking off with her.  I can't blame 
Felix for being upset.  Poor Foster.  Even when he tries to help, he 
can't win.  I hope they aren't too hard on him.

	Fiona hasn't blocked trump access to her shadow yet.  But as 
long as Riftvan's chained, he can't reach out far enough for me to pull 
him through.  Which means I have to extend my reach somehow.  
Maybe I could hook his chains with something?  Can you push 
objects through a trump contact?  I've never tried.  But it's the only 
thing I can think of right now.

	Fiona is blocking me.  Damn!  I think it will work, if I can just 
keep the contact open long enough.  How the Hell can she tell what 
I'm doing?  And how can I stop her?  I'm in way over my head here.  
Maybe Benedict can give me some advice.  He'll at least want to 
know that Fiona's accounted for.  Assuming he doesn't know already.

Somewhere in shadow

	Bleys is alive as well, it would seem.  Benedict suggested I talk 
to him, since he enjoys tormenting Fiona.  Much to my surprise, he is 
willing to help.  He did warn me not to mention this Laughter to 
Fiona, though.  I'm beginning to suspect that Laughter is more than 
just a shadow dweller.  No matter.  All I care about is getting Riftvan 
out of there.  Fiona is welcome to whatever secret she's keeping.

	It worked.  Sort of.  I pulled Riftvan through, but Laughter and 
her talking sword came along for the ride.  An unforeseen 
complication.  Most people aren't crazy enough to go through an 
unknown contact under those circumstances.  Well, maybe Ahab...  I 
could understand if it was someone she cared about, but he was only 
a prisoner.  She's lucky I didn't kill her, but I'm not that foolish.  
Fiona obviously thinks she's important, and I'd prefer to avoid 
angering Fiona any more than necessary.  Unfortunately, after all of 
my efforts, Riftvan says he must return with Laughter.  He owes her 
two weeks of service in exchange for his life.  That explains why he 
tried to pull away from me.  He offered to send me to Tir-na Nog'th, 
but that would leave me trapped in a society where I know no one 
and can't even speak the language.  What if something happened and 
he never came back?  I have to go with him.  I can't stand the 
thought of leaving him alone among enemies.  Even if Laughter has 
given her word not to bind him again, I don't know enough about her 
to know if that will hold.  Nor do I trust Fiona.  But if I go with 
Riftvan, I'll be leaving the children alone for so long...  Either way I'm 
damned.

	Fiona is Laughter's mother!  This explains a lot.  She's 
determined to keep Laughter from leaving her shadow again.  
Obviously she would prefer that Riftvan and I go away.  So why did 
she stop my earlier attempts to free him?  If she hadn't interfered, 
we might have been gone before Laughter made her bargain with 
Riftvan, and thereby avoided all of this.

	There's something awful about those cold iron bands...  I 
couldn't help watching the one Fiona held in horrid fascination.  
Neither could Riftvan, which is how she got him.  I tried to stop her, 
but breaking their eye contact had no effect.  How was she able to do 
that?  And why didn't she do the same to me?  She made Riftvan 
swear not to tell Laughter about Amber, Chaos or shadow, but she 
requested no oath of any kind from me.  Her actions make no sense.

Foil

	Thank the gods for Power Words.  If it wasn't for them, I'd be 
in Amber again, trying to get back into Foil.  And somehow I don't 
think Bleys would help me this time.  Damn Fiona, anyway.  I didn't 
say a thing to Laughter or her sword about Amber.  I just wanted 
Sequence to meet Ahab.  It would have been amusing, to say the 
least, and there hasn't been much that amuses me lately.  I could just 
picture the look on Ahab's face...  Still, I should have known better.  I 
think it's being a Faerie.  It seems to be enhancing the more 
mischievous aspect of my personality.  It might explain why Riftvan 
acts the way he does sometimes, but I think he'd be that way no 
matter what form he was in.  Fiona wouldn't even explain what she 
objected to.  She just demanded I return to Amber.  It's fortunate 
Laughter came along, or things might have gotten ugly.  For me, not 
Fiona.  I have no illusions about my ability to fight her.  But I was 
hardly going to just leave Riftvan after I went to so much trouble to 
find him.  I even offered to swear to the conditions Fiona gave 
Riftvan if it would make her happy.  She had the nerve to ask if I'd 
do so under iron.  Damn it, if I give my word, I stick to it.  Iron isn't 
necessary.  But I'd do it if it would make her happy and get her off 
my case.  I don't want to make an enemy of her.  In the end she left 
without requiring me to swear an oath at all.  I don't understand her.  
Maybe she's just confident that she can exact an appropriate revenge 
if I go against her wishes.

	Riftvan certainly inspires the most amazing amounts of 
animosity in people.  Fiona doesn't like him at all.  She warned me 
that I have fallen into a deep hole.  She isn't exactly one I'd trust to 
have my best interests at heart, though.  And it's far too late, 
anyway.  I love him too much to leave him now.  Losing him would 
be more than I could bear.

	He's dying.  Or a part of him is.  Gods, will there ever be an end 
to this?  He called it Chaos cancer and said he was infected while 
saving Morgan.  Naturally, there's no one he trusts to help him.  Not 
even in his own House?  If I understand him correctly, it's only 
affected one form, so if he doesn't shift to that one he won't get any 
worse.  Which won't be a problem currently, since Sand has trapped 
him in his Faerie form.  Why didn't he tell me he had this cancer 
before?  And how can it infect one form but not another?  Aren't 
they all him?  It doesn't make any sense.

	Well, I have my answer.  He suspected Sand might come after 
me, but it was only a hunch.  He claims Sand would have done 
something worse to me if he'd warned me outright.  Given what she 
did to Riftvan, I believe it.  But it still bothers me.  If he thought she 
was going to turn on him, why did he wait for it to happen?  Hell, 
why was he allied with her in the first place?

	I have the twins back again.  Riftvan felt it was safe to bring 
them here, and I wanted to see them too badly to object.  I just hope 
word doesn't get out that Morgan is still alive.  Saving him the last 
time cost Riftvan so much...  Gods it's hard to believe it's been little 
more than a week since they were born.  They haven't even been 
formally Named yet.  All I want is to raise them in peace, and from 
the sound of it Riftvan does too.  Is that so much to ask?

	I look like a damn Barbie doll!  I was still having trouble 
getting used to the last change, where at least I had my old hair and 
eye color.  But this one...  Well, at least I got a laugh out the 
appearance Lavender gave Riftvan.  I rather like Lavender.  She is 
straightforward and doesn't dissemble like most of my relatives.  In 
many ways we seem alike, and under other circumstances we might 
be friends.  Perhaps we may yet be.  It's hard to believe she's Fiona's 
daughter.  They share so little in both physical resemblance and 
interests.  Environment is obviously more of a factor than heredity.  
From the way Lavender talks, I don't think she knows I'm an 
Amberite.  Which means she probably doesn't know who Riftvan 
really is, either.  It's interesting that Fiona didn't tell her.  I wonder 
who her father is?  Knowing Fiona, he probably doesn't even know 
Lavender exists.  I feel badly for her being stuck in Foil and I wish I 
could help her.  It would drive me nuts to be stuck somewhere and 
not know why or for how long.  But I don't want to make an enemy 
of Fiona, either.  Still, Fiona is going to have to face the fact that she 
can't hide Lavender here for much longer.  Eventually she will find a 
way out.  Or someone like Sand will find a way in.  And things will be 
worse than if Fiona had brought Lavender to Amber herself.

	From the sound of it, Foil may be connected to Tir-na Nog'th in 
some manner.  Riftvan seems to know something of this place, and 
there are Faeries living here, although they call them na siogai.  Plus, 
I was able to trump Riftvan from Tir-na Nog'th without any 
difficulty, despite the resistance to trump Tir-na Nog'th is supposed 
to have.  Lavender mentioned something about shifting to Dexter to 
learn Faerie magic.  Is that Tir-na Nog'th?  Or some shadow in-
between?  How can she shift shadow without Pattern?  And why is 
Riftvan so interested in this Calamus?  Maybe the library will hold 
some answers.  Or Riftvan will be willing to explain.

	For the moment, I am content.  I am reunited with those who 
matter most to me.  I wish I could believe it will last, but I keep 
waiting for the other shoe to drop.  It always seems to.  I don't know 
what I'm going to do when the family goes after Sand.  I despise her 
for what she did to Foster.  And to Riftvan.  She's a sadistic, unfeeling 
bitch and I can't think of anyone who deserves to die more.  I will 
not feel safe until I know she's dead.  And I don't think I could 
refuse if Benedict asked for my help.  But I don't know how I can 
leave Jalana and Morgan again.