Amber, year four, day 108 continued Afternoon Sand blew up the castle. Not five minutes after we returned. There's nothing left but rubble. It looked like such a tiny thing. A globe of energy not more than a couple of feet in diameter. How could something so small contain so much power? So many lives lost... Random and Driscoll may be among them. They went for the Jewel right before the castle was destroyed and I can't spot them among the survivors. Hasn't there been enough pain in this day already? Usires survived, of course. It was too much to hope there might be one among the dead who deserved it. It looks like Felix shattered his jaw. I want his death so badly. And it would have been so easy. One twitch of my finger... No, it's Sand's death I really want. But I would not shed a single tear for Usires. Evening I think they've finally found all the survivors. I don't know how long I've been here. It feels like forever. They all blur together, broken legs, shattered arms, fractured skulls. An unending stream of pain and suffering. I remember Deirdre very clearly though. She didn't quite make it out in time, and badly broke both of her legs. One was a compound fracture. She didn't take kindly to my setting it. She didn't do much more than touch my nose, but that caused more than enough pain. After the second time I left her to Ahab. If she's going to react that way, her legs can heal crooked for all I care. I had to knock her out with a Power Word before I could finish. Thank the gods for Ahab and Ghostwheel. Without the supplies I obtained from them, things would have been much worse. I still can't reach Riftvan. Where is he? Caine trumped out with Usires. I suppose it's too much to hope that he'll be punished for what he did. Heather never was. At least Benedict still has his ax. I hope I never lay eyes on that filthy barbarian again. Kira and the others are safe. They had returned to town after I disappeared this morning. I'm so relieved. Kira blames Riftvan for my current appearance. I told her it was my choice. She didn't understand. How can she really, without knowing why I did it? I feel so tired, but I can't go to sleep. So much has happened today... I can't get it out of my mind. Was it only yesterday that I learned Morgan was still alive? It seems so long ago. Amber, year four, day 109 (Wednesday , December 29) Morning I finally slept, but I wish I hadn't. The dreams... I feel worse than I did before. I miss my children. I haven't been separated from Jalana since she was born, and I just got Morgan back. I should be with them. What am I doing here? I should never have left them. Only one patient died in the night. I feared there would be more. Foster's hands are becoming infected, but the antibiotics should take care of that. Even Deirdre seems to be doing better. Still nothing from Riftvan. I'm starting to get worried. What if he never comes back? Afternoon Gerard is still digging in the rubble. He's been digging all night. Felix says no one's been able to stop him, even though Ghostwheel assured us that all of the survivors have been rescued. What's driving the man? Felix is back in his normal form. Benedict changed him. I'm hoping he can do the same for Kira. And Ahab, of course, but I'm taking Kira to see him first. She's had to suffer in her current form for far longer than Ahab. He can survive another hour or so without the Pattern. It worked. It seemed to take him some effort, but Kira is back to normal. Praise the gods. I wish Benedict had given me another task to do. I've done all I can in the infirmary. Mostly now it's just a matter of waiting. And waiting gives me too much time to think. I told Ahab about Benedict. He couldn't wait to come through. I never really realized how dependent he is on the Pattern. Being cut off from it made him rather bitter. I would have warned him if I'd remembered. How could I have forgotten it so quickly? Eris is not doing well. It's understandable. She was kidnapped, her home was destroyed, and her father is still missing. Foster, Rinaldo, Felix and I have been trying to cheer her up, with little apparent success. We've got to keep trying, though. If we leave her alone, she may withdraw completely. Every now and then Ahab does something truly wonderful. He found Mr. Grumbly. Eris won't let go of it now. I think we may have passed the critical point. She's still withdrawn, but not as much as before. Evening Eris finally fell asleep. Everyone else is turning in as well. I don't want to sleep. Sleep will bring more dreams like the ones I had last night. I feel numb inside. I haven't eaten since sometime yesterday, but I don't feel it. What does it matter, anyway? The ocean reflects the way I feel right now. Cold and desolate. I want to kill Sand, but I can't reach her. I want to hold my babies, but I can't reach them either. I'm cut off from all that I care about and I cannot continue this way for long. Where is Riftvan? I fear what might keep him from contacting me. I fear even more that there might be nothing stopping him. What if Ahab's right and he's been using me all along? No, he's wrong. He must be. I cannot go on otherwise.