Session
52
Amber, year four, day 107 continued
Ahab has decided not to kill Riftvan. I should be happy. But instead
I feel more alone than I ever have. They apparently spent part of their
conversation mocking me. It seems I'm a joke even to those who know me
well. What's the point in going on? For the first time, I truly
understand why Mother left me in Shadow. She should have just killed me
and spared everyone the trouble. I cannot endure this any more.
He's alive! Praise all the gods, he's alive! No wonder Riftvan
didn't seem upset about Morgan's death. Everything I went through, all
the pain I've suffered, and he knew! I almost killed myself, and it would
have been for nothing! I understand why Riftvan did what he did. If
anyone was watching, I'm sure I was convincing. But I can't go back to
that pain again. If Vialle hadn't come by when she did... Where did
Riftvan leave Morgan? Who's taking care of him? How old is he by now?
Gods, more than anything, I want to hold him in my arms again.
Riftvan can take me to Morgan once he recovers, but we'll be there for
quite a while from our perspective. Riftvan says it could be as long as a
century. I'm having trouble even conceiving of that length of time. How
do you visualize a time span twice as long as you've been alive? I didn't
think this would bother me as much as it does. I've only known about
Amber for three years, and only actually spent a year here. But I'll miss
everyone. Even if I'm not too fond of some of them at the moment. It
doesn't help that I can't even bring Kira and my guards with me. Since I
left home, they've been the only constant in my life. The one thing I
could always count on was their presence. How can I leave them behind?
Why do I have to give up everything important in my life? My friends, my
family, my home, even my body... It feels like I'm losing my soul in the
process as well. Maybe I am. I wish there was another way. But I have
no choice. The only way I'll ever see Morgan again is if I leave. And I
can't lose him again. That would kill me just as surely as any sword.
Riftvan no longer thinks we should be married. It puts Morgan at too
much risk. I don't know how to feel. He's right, of course. Once the
marriage was known, the Hendrakes couldn't fail to guess that Morgan is
still alive. And Riftvan was only marrying me to make Morgan his heir.
But still... Part of me feels rejected anyway. Foolish as that may
sound.
I don't think Michael was too happy about my request, but I can't bear
to eat with the rest of the family. Knowing that I'll be leaving soon,
and for so long, I'm not sure I could pull it off. And I don't want to
risk giving away that Morgan is still alive.
I took Jalana back from Kira after dinner. I've been neglecting her
since Morgan was lost, and I feel terribly about it. Kira was in a foul
mood. Not that I can blame her. But Riftvan still isn't in any shape to
help her. I wish there was something I could do.
Amber, year four, day 108 (Tuesday, December 27, 2989)
Morning
I slept somewhat better last night. I still cried myself to sleep,
but the nightmares were fewer. And different. The prospect of leaving is
definitely making me nervous. Much to my surprise, Riftvan was standing
by the window when I woke up. He's obviously much improved since
yesterday. With his wounds, I was expecting him to be bedridden for a
little while longer. He wants to take me to Morgan. Now. Gods, this is
too soon. I thought I'd have a few more days, at least. But I also want
to see Morgan as soon as possible. Unfortunately, Riftvan doesn't have
the strength to both shape me and return Kira to her natural form. I
don't know what to do. I don't want to be separated from Morgan any
longer than I have to be. But I can't just leave her like that. Riftvan
doesn't seem to understand why. He's been a shapeshifter for so long, I
doubt he'd understand. He promised to return when he's stronger and help
Kira, and he says it shouldn't be more than a few hours from her point of
view. It's the best compromise I can think of. But I still feel bad
about leaving her this way.
The shaping was...uncomfortable. Not exactly painful, but almost.
That was probably partly my doing. Riftvan said it would hurt if I
resisted, and I tried not to but... It's tough not to resist something
that you don't want to do. It got easier once I started trying to observe
the process more clinically. The whole thing took half an hour, and when
it was done... Well, I'm four inches taller, but much thinner. I could
barely recognize myself in the mirror. It's like looking at a stranger.
Like I'm trapped in someone else's body. Even my voice sounds strange.
All I have left is my mind. I feel so awkward. I definitely understand
why Kira had so much trouble. I'm also noticeably weaker. I guess I was
expecting most of this, based on what I've observed with Riftvan. But I
feel much more vulnerable like this, and I don't like it at all. Worst of
all, the Pattern is gone. Like it was never there. I don't understand
how this could be. How could it be removed?
Faerie
Afternoon
Riftvan didn't give me much time to recover. Before I really knew
what was happening, we were gone. I wish I'd been able to say goodbye to
Kira. But at the time, all I cared about was seeing Morgan again. Until
I actually saw him, there was a small part of my mind that couldn't quite
believe he was alive. When I finally held him once more, it was one of
the happiest moments in my life. Gods, I still can't believe I have him
back. It's a miracle.
He lied to me. That bastard! Sand seems perfectly sane to me. From
the sound of it, she has Delwin again. Apparently she had to take him
from Caine and Julian. When did they get involved in this? Last I heard,
Delwin was with Alex. Where is she holding Delwin? Here? Gods, I hope
not. His presence would attract too much attention. Riftvan said she
double-crossed him. And she's trying to kill Random! How can he still be
working with her?
He left me alone in the nursery. I don't think I've ever felt so
angry and happy at the same time. I have my son back. That's more
important to me than anything else. And I owe that to Riftvan. But he
lied to me. And I don't understand why. What purpose did it serve to say
Sand was insane when she wasn't? It would have made no difference to me
at the time. This doesn't make any sense. Why would he choose to lie
about something so ultimately unimportant?
I found them again in the garden. Naturally, they stopped talking as
soon as they spotted me. I heard them say something about the children
though. If Riftvan thinks I'm going to let that woman anywhere near our
children... Look at what she did to Foster. And her own brother. I
wonder if she isn't insane after all? Even Mother was capable of seeming
perfectly sane at times. Naturally Riftvan won't tell me what they're
planning. He says I might get clever and escape. Am I a prisoner here,
then? I guess I am, regardless of whether I can figure out a way to leave
or not. I won't leave the twins behind, and I sentence them to death if I
leave with them. So I have no choice but to remain here. It's the reason
I agreed to come with him in the first place. And he knows that, damn
him! So why is he doing this?
He didn't tell me much about this form that I hadn't guessed already.
I can't figure out why he prefers using a faerie form so much. It's
weaker than my own, and it has several inherent disadvantages. So what
are the advantages? The magic? One doesn't have to be a faerie to learn
that. He wouldn't tell me, of course. He wouldn't tell me much of
anything. I did learn that I'm apparently his consort here. Eral only
knows what that implies in this society.
Well fuck him, anyway! How was I supposed to know that Oberon is the
name of their King here? He knew damn well what I would assume when he
said that! If I hadn't been holding the twins... Hell, I probably would
have fallen over, anyway. I hate this damn form! And these damn long
skirts! Well, at least I can do something about the latter. I can
probably use the excess material to make a sling for the twins. My arms
are getting tired holding them. But I won't leave them alone here.
Especially not with Sand running around.
My Trumps are gone. I must have left them in my old clothes when I
changed. I was in such a hurry to see Morgan, I completely forgot. I'm
sure I can't use them here anyway, but I want them back. The only
question is, will Riftvan give them to me?
The walk is helping somewhat. Although I still feel like I'm being
watched, at least I don't have to see anyone else. And the weather is
lovely. It feels like summer. A definite improvement over the cold
winter I left behind. I can almost pretend I'm in Arden. Almost. Except
for every time that I stumble because my legs that are too long. At least
the walk is helping me adapt to this form. But I don't think I'll ever
get used to it.
He was right about the water. Damn. I wasn't stupid enough to go in,
but just standing near the bank made me feel uneasy. And I've been
swimming for almost as long as I've been walking. I hate this! Is there
nothing good about this form?
Late afternoon
I left in such a hurry, I completely forgot to bring diapers for the
twins. Now they're both wet, and I don't have anything to use as a
replacement. Maybe I could use some more of this skirt? Damn Riftvan for
leaving me here. I knew it would be strange, but I didn't think he was
going to abandon me as soon as we got here. And I definitely wasn't
expecting Sand. Although in hindsight, I should have been. When you get
right down to it, that's the only thing he didn't tell me. He warned me
about the rest of it. So why am I so angry? Because he's making me that
way. He's deliberately provoking me. And few people can get to me the
way he can. Why does he want to hurt me that way? Or is this just more
of his attempts to keep me from losing myself?
I was right about my being watched. Riftvan arrived on the scene,
complete with diapers. He's definitely enjoying this too much. Then he
has the gall to tell me I need to watch my temper. Hah! If I wasn't in
control of it, I would have hit him by now. But, other than the momentary
satisfaction, that won't accomplish anything. Not unless I'm willing to
finish him. And I'm not. I'm angry with him, but I don't hate him. And
I can hardly go hitting people whenever they piss me off. At least not
people I care about. I wouldn't put up with it from him, and I doubt he'd
put up with it from me for long. He obviously hasn't forgotten the one
time I did strike him. Hell, Mother killed my father for that sort of
thing. I guess I've got his temper. But I intend to do a better job of
controlling it than he did.
It seems my current mode of dress caused quite a few comments. I
still really don't care. It's bad enough that this form is worse than my
own for strength, and possibly staying power, but to have to walk around
in those skirts all the time... They make it much more difficult to
maneuver. Riftvan says the women here aren't expected to fight. From the
sound of it, Faerie is as bad as the South. Or Begma. I know I had to
endure worse dress codes when I was in Shadow. But I didn't like it.
Besides, it was for a relatively short time. Not decades. But I don't
have much of a choice. I've calmed down enough to see that now. If not
for myself, I have to do it for the twins. The reason I do everything,
nowadays. But I won't give up my workouts. Or carrying Alastor. Maybe
Riftvan feels safe here, but after what happened to Morgan, I'll never
feel safe again.
He's willing to return my Trumps. He also said I can leave if I must,
but the twins have to stay here. Apparently he's not certain that even
Jalana is safe anymore. Like I said before, I won't leave them. But I'm
surprised that he's willing to let me go, even though I've seen this place
now. I asked if he'd try to remove the information from my mind, but he
said I've convinced him not to do that to me anymore. Maybe there's some
hope, after all.
I think I may have misinterpreted what Riftvan originally told me
about Sand. From talking to him, it sounds like he wasn't commenting on
her overall sanity. Rather, he was referring to her actions in
imprisoning her own brother. And to be honest, I don't think she's sane
anyway. Of course, he could be lying to me. But it fits the way he
thinks. And I want to believe him. He didn't have to bring me here. He
could have just taken Jalana and left me. And he's willing to go back for
Kira. I even convinced him to ask before shaping her, although he didn't
understand why that was necessary. He doesn't seem to view Shadow folk as
important. I suppose if I'd been raised in Amber or the Courts I'd feel
the same. But I grew up in Shadow, and I just can't treat the people
there that way. Especially not someone who's been with me for so long.
Kira deserves better than that. The trick is going to be getting her to
hold off long enough to listen to Riftvan. Maybe it would help if I gave
him a note for her.
It seems obvious from their ears that the twins actually have some
faerie blood in them. I thought that perhaps Riftvan's true form did as
well. How else would it have been passed down to them? Well, I was
wrong. Apparently he made love to me as Riftvan even when we were in
Maui. I knew glamours could disguise appearance, but I didn't think they
worked that well. Riftvan thinks the blood will help them somehow. I
hope he's right. But have they inherited the weaknesses of the blood as
well?
Now I finally understand what the Pattern meant. If Riftvan was doing
all of this, then he has to have figured there was a chance that I might
conceive. Although he claims he wasn't expecting it. I guess neither of
us counted on the Pattern's interference. But the fact that it wasn't an
accident is important to me. He wanted us to have children. I'd always
assumed that it was something he wouldn't have chosen if it were up to
him. And he finally admitted that he cares for me. I wasn't sure I'd
ever hear him say that. I've always felt that he must, but it's nice to
actually hear it. It makes dealing with all of this a little easier. And
he's right, he always has made it up to me before. But I still wish I
knew why he's dealing with Sand.
"Outrageous Fortune"
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Last modified on August 18, 1998 by Kris Fazzari.