Amber, year four, day 106 continued
 
Afternoon
 
        Riftvan's fever has worsened.  He's gotten rather delirious, and 
from the sound of it, he's not reliving anything pleasant.  At least I 
was able to help psychically.  Now it's just a matter of waiting.
 
        Kira is taking care of Jalana.  I tell myself that I can't tend to 
her and Riftvan at the same time, but it's more than that.  Jalana is a 
constant reminder of Morgan's absence.  I can't look at her without 
thinking of him.  I know I should be thankful that I still have her, 
but right now holding her only makes things worse.
 
Evening
 
        Ahab stopped by, or tried to.  He was giving my guards the 
run-around, so I trumped him.  He claimed he wanted to see Riftvan.  
When I explained that Riftvan was in no condition to talk, he 
demanded that I inform him when Riftvan was, and threatened to 
kill Riftvan if I didn't.  Isn't it enough that I've lost my son today?  It 
frightens me how close I came to doing something rash.  As it was, I 
hit him pretty hard, psychically.  I expected better of him somehow.  
I had hoped he'd at least allow me to mourn my child in peace.  
Damn him.  The worst part is, if he really makes a serious attempt at 
Riftvan, I doubt I'll be able to stop him.  Kill him before he can 
escape, yes.  But he can just teleport into the room if he wants to, and 
I probably couldn't react fast enough to stop him.  Especially since it 
wouldn't take much to kill Riftvan right now.  How can I fight against 
that?  It's like Morgan all over again.  What good am I if I can't even 
protect those close to me?
 
        I started crying again.  Morgan's loss, Riftvan's condition, 
Ahab's behavior...  I feel so very alone right now.  No one even seems 
to care that Morgan's gone, except for me.  It's almost like he never 
existed.  I know it hasn't been long since he was born, but he was 
alive to me for so much longer.  How could I have lost him?
 
        I woke Riftvan up.  Damn it, I didn't mean to.  He needs his 
rest.  At least his fever seems to have broken.  I told him about 
Ahab's visit.  He seems to view the confrontation as inevitable.  I 
think he's hoping he'll die.  How can he be so blase about it?  Does his 
life truly mean so little to him?  If that's the case, why did he return 
here, anyway?  He would have died very quickly without medical 
attention.  It was touch and go as it was.
 
        I told him that I'd kill Ahab in revenge for his death.  He 
wasn't pleased.  Like I enjoy the prospect of killing one of my best 
friends?  But I'd have no choice, for the same reasons that Ahab feels 
he must kill Riftvan.  How could I go on knowing Riftvan's killer was 
still alive and well?  Every time I saw Ahab, I'd have to live with 
that fact.  And how could Jalana respect me if I allowed her father's 
killer to live?  Jalana would be better off with someone else, anyway.  
I've already proven incapable of protecting my children.
 
        Riftvan tried to get me to sleep.  I'm afraid to.  I just know 
something will happen once I do.  Ahab will teleport in and kill 
Riftvan.  Or another pit demon will arrive.  I know I'll wake up to 
find I've lost someone else.  Just like I did the last time.  Riftvan 
even tried casting a sleep spell on me.  I'm not sure why.  He must 
have known I'd counter it, given that he's the one who taught me 
how.  Besides, he doesn't have the strength right now to waste on 
such things.  I guess he realized this, because he didn't try again.
 
        He tried convincing me his death won't be a bad thing, since it 
will end the Hendrake vendetta.  What does that matter now?  It's 
too late.  Morgan is already dead.  Whatever happens, I can't stay in 
Amber.  There are too many reminders of Morgan here.  I don't think 
I'll ever be able to set foot in my quarters again.  I keep seeing that 
blood stain on the wall...  It's difficult enough being in the infirmary.  
Morgan was born here only four days ago.  It seems like a lifetime 
has passed since then.  It's ironic that only days ago I was distressed 
that I would have to leave Amber, and now I find myself wishing I 
were gone already.  If Riftvan wasn't injured, I would leave 
immediately.  But I can't leave until he's recovered.  Not while Ahab 
is around.
 
Amber, year four, day 107 (Monday, December 27)
 
Morning
 
        I eventually cried myself to sleep.  I did not sleep well, and I 
woke up more than once.  Thankfully, I only fully recall the last 
dream.  Morgan was being crushed by a Logrus tendril.  I tried to 
reach him, but it was like I was running in slow motion.  Then 
suddenly I was awake, and it took me a moment to realize that I was 
still smelling the Logrus.  And Morgan was still gone.  At least I cried 
quietly enough this time that Riftvan didn't wake up.
 
        I had some food sent up from breakfast, but I couldn't eat 
much of it.  It all tasted like ashes to me.  If it wasn't for Jalana, I 
probably wouldn't have tried at all.  As long as I'm occupied with 
something else, the pain is almost bearable.  But now, when all I can 
do is wait, I keep replaying events over and over in my mind, and 
each time the numbness grows.  Pretty soon I won't be able to feel 
anything.  Then maybe this won't hurt so badly.
 
        Felix, Foster and Alex came by.  Foster has a Spikard.  Riftvan 
took one look at the ring and mumbled something about the bitch 
double-crossing him.  It quickly became evident that the bitch he 
referred to was Sand.  I intend to ask him about that statement of his 
later.  He also noted that Foster was carrying an iron bracelet, 
something Ahab apparently gave to him.  It figures.  I should have 
planted something in Ahab's mind when I had the chance, but I can't 
bring myself to do that.  What right do I have to complain about 
Riftvan doing that to me, if I feel it's OK to do it to others?
 
        Alex and Felix seemed to think Bleys might be able to help.  
Together we were able to push through to him, but it was a near 
thing.  He came through once he heard of the problem.  It sounds like 
he can help, but he needed Foster to be kept unconscious until he 
was ready.  I was preparing to do so, but then Foster started 
worrying about needles, Felix was worrying about Foster getting 
addicted, and the next thing I knew, Riftvan had put Foster to sleep.  
I wish he hadn't done that.  He really doesn't have the energy to 
spare, and I could tell it exhausted him.
 
        Everyone left soon afterwards, and Riftvan fell asleep again.  
Even my Trump call to Driscoll didn't wake him.  Unfortunately, 
Driscoll could shed little light on the situation.  He does know how to 
find Sand's shadow, which might come in handy at some point.  He's 
gone to find Mother, and to warn Random of the threat against him.  
Just in case no one else has.
 
        Foster will be OK.  Bleys and Fiona were able to transfer the 
Spikard back to Delwin.  At least Felix won't have to lose his child.  
He wants Riftvan to remove the spell on Foster.  I suspect it will 
wear off on it's own, but I promised to check when Riftvan wakes up.
 
Evening
 
        Ahab came by to talk with Riftvan.  It seems almost too good to 
be true.  If Ahab manages to make peace with Riftvan, perhaps one 
good thing has come out of Morgan's death after all.  But I'd still 
rather have Morgan.