Amber, year four, day 103 (Thursday, December 23) Morning They both have my hair. I didn't think they would. It's been my observation that Amber children usually look like their non- Amber parent. I certainly don't look much like Mother at all. But it seems they take after me, at least in hair color. They have blue eyes now, but it will be months before I know what color their eyes will actually be. Maybe they'll stay blue. Riftvan seems fond of using that eye color, so maybe that's the color his eyes actually are. I wish I knew what Riftvan really looked like. It would be easier to tell how much they take after him. They're so beautiful. It's not fair. Why do they have to suffer for our actions? They deserve a happy childhood. Instead, they are condemned to death by an entire House of Chaos, for something their father did centuries ago. Morgan, Jalana, I'm sorry I brought you into this. Maybe if I'd been more careful... but then I wouldn't be holding you now, would I? If only you'd both been girls, things would have been different. I don't want you to die. Or end up like Foster, always paranoid, never trusting anyone. Is that the best I can hope for you? Damn it, what did Riftvan do to the Hendrakes, anyway? I'm sure he'll claim it was necessary, whatever it was. But I doubt it was worth the lives of our children. And that's what it may cost him. At least I'll probably die with them. If only there was a way to end this vendetta that didn't involve Riftvan's death. That is not option. Not only because I love him, but because Morgan will need him. I certainly can't teach Morgan what he needs to know to be a Head of House. My knowledge of Chaos is better than it was, but it's still limited at best. I really don't understand Riftvan sometimes. Make that most of the time. It's almost like he wants everyone to dislike or distrust him, and he deliberately chooses whatever action will ensure it. Maybe he finds it easier to deal with people trying to kill him than people actually liking him. I suspect having everyone dislike him is easier in some respects. After all, it's much easier to do something that would hurt an enemy than a friend. But it must make for a very lonely life. I'd rather have friends and loved ones, even if that does make me more vulnerable. If you're alone in the world, there's really no point in living. Except for revenge. Is that what's kept Riftvan going for so long? Hate? I hope not. There must be more than that. There's got to be. It bothers me that I know so little about the man I'm going to marry. It was one thing when we were just lovers. But Chaos marriages last for life. And even if the Hendrake vendetta makes the odds of both of us living very long seem slight, I don't want to be kept in the dark like this any longer. I need to find out the cause of the Hendrake vendetta. He wouldn't tell me before, and I was willing to let it go because it only partially involved me. But if I'm going to have the Hendrakes trying to kill me and the twins, I have a right to know why. Afternoon I wish I knew where Riftvan got off to. He was gone when I woke up this morning, and he apparently forgot to change Kira back before he left. She's rather upset about this, since he changed her into the form of a page. A male page. I told her this was her opportunity to see how the other half lives. She didn't appreciate this. Unfortunately, there's nothing I can do. The Power Word that should have changed her back had no effect. And Riftvan won't answer his trump. Lunch was an odd affair. Apparently Felix and Rinaldo both got a little drunk at yesterday's reception, and Rinaldo planted a suggestion in Felix's mind that caused him to act like a chicken whenever he heard the words "pork chop." Which is, of course, what we were having for lunch today. The boy is entirely too clever sometimes, but I must admit it was pretty amusing. Felix didn't trust Rinaldo to remove the suggestion until I offered to observe. I also made sure Rinaldo hadn't left any other surprises in Felix's mind. Felix looked quite mortified and left in a hurry when Rinaldo was done. I spent some time after lunch showing the twins to their various relatives. Mother was nonplused at first, but she eventually held them. Random and Driscoll had no such desire. Eris was pretty enthusiastic, and even offered to help me with them. She's such a sweet girl. I can't get over how much she and Emer resemble each other. I said as much to them, which got a smile from them, and a rather uncomfortable look from Driscoll. He left shortly afterward. There's more going on here than meets the eye, but it's none of my concern. I've talked to Random, and he's arranging to have my window bricked in. Maybe I'm overreacting, but I'll feel better knowing it's blocked. Even if I can't see the sunlight anymore. Evening I spent the rest of the day alternately reading and dozing. I'm still pretty wiped out from the birth. The twins are remarkably well-behaved, so far. Definitely quieter than I'd expected. I wish I could have taken them outside today. It snowed overnight, and it looks beautiful. Their first snowfall, and mine as well. It's going to be difficult for me to stay inside. I've always been an outdoors sort of person. But I'll manage, for the twins' sake. Amber, year four, day 104 (Friday, December 24) Morning I kept the twins in bed with me last night. While it wasn't the best night's rest I could have gotten, I felt better having them in my arms. I'm hoping it will be harder for someone to take them from me when I'm holding them. And I find it easier to sleep when I can sense them. Morgan kicks as much now as he did before he was born, but it's much easier to endure now that he's not kicking me from the inside. Evening Still no sign of Riftvan. Kira is getting quite irate. I feel badly for her, but there's nothing I can do. She's still getting used to her new body. She smashed into the dresser earlier, in what looked like a rather painful manner. And apparently some woman was hitting on her. I told her she doesn't have to leave my quarters if she doesn't want to. I wish I could do more. Where is Riftvan? Amber, year four, day 105 (Saturday, December 25) Morning Ahab returned from his honeymoon today. I'm surprised he wasn't gone longer. Of course, I have no idea how long it was for him. We didn't really talk. Poor Felix. Rinaldo and Foster were still chuckling over the incident from the day before yesterday, so naturally Ahab had to inquire. I made a comment about pork chops. I really shouldn't have, but sometimes I have this nasty sense of humor that gets the better of me. Mother burst out laughing, and a few more comments were made. Felix wound up storming out of the room. It was pretty childish on his part, but I should have expected it. I felt badly about the whole thing, so I sought him out and apologized. I didn't mean to drive him away from breakfast. We talked for a while, and it sounds like Foster managed to talk some sense into him. He wouldn't come back down to breakfast, but I think I convinced him that no one would be making any more comments at meals. Afternoon The stitches are finally out and I can start getting back into shape. The sooner the better. I don't know what's going to happen when the Hendrakes make their move, but I want to be as ready as possible for it. My back and arms are already getting a workout just from carrying the twins around. Amber, year four, day 106 (Sunday, December 26) Early morning My son is dead, and his father barely clings to life. If I stop to think about it, I think I'll go insane. I feel so numb right now. All my precautions, all my efforts, came to nothing in the end. Not even my ring provided any warning. I woke up to a scream, and Morgan was gone. There was this thing floating in the center of the room. Riftvan dived through it, grabbed something, and vanished. I tried to fight it, but Alastor went right through it, and I only delayed it with a Power Word. It disappeared when I ran with Jalana. There was blood on the wall. So much blood. Riftvan reappeared with Morgan's blood-soaked blanket and collapsed. He regained consciousness long enough to say he was sorry. If only I'd been more alert, maybe that thing wouldn't have been able to steal Morgan away from me. Oh Morgan, I'm so sorry. You deserved better. Why couldn't it have killed me and left you alone? Riftvan is in bad shape. Something sliced him open and he's not shapeshifting to fix the damage. Alex says he was poisoned with something that prevents him from doing so. He's lost so much blood, and I can't transfuse any to replace it. His blood in this form is too different. I'm working in the dark here. All I can do is tend to his injuries and give him what strength I have psychically. Hopefully that will be enough for him to hang on. Random wanted to know what happened. When I told him about it, it was as if I was listening to someone else's voice. Like it wasn't really me. There's one odd detail I left out. The carrier I used to hold the twins is gone. I'm not sure why I didn't mention it. It just doesn't fit with the rest of what happened. Morgan wasn't in it when he was... Oh gods, I can't think about that now. Not yet. Where did Riftvan come from, anyway? It's like he was already in the room when the attack occurred. Could he have been shapeshifted to look like the carrier? I think Riftvan will live. He must. If he dies, I don't think I can go on. As it is, if Jalana had died as well, I would not have been long behind her. Riftvan took quite a risk in returning here. I suspect everyone else would have watched him bleed to death and then cheerfully disposed of the body. Am I the only one who would help him? Or did he figure he was safe from the Hendrakes here? Morgan wasn't. Morning Riftvan woke up at last. He... The thing that... It was a pit demon. A creature capable of surviving in the Abyss. Riftvan says it would take magic or a sword like Greyswandir to kill it, but I don't feel any better. I should have stopped it, somehow. How could I sleep through its taking my child right out of my arms? Everything finally caught up with me in a rush. I don't know how long I cried. Ahab brought Jalana to me, along with flowers and a card for Riftvan. From anyone else it would have been a nice gesture. From Ahab, it was just a sick joke. I told him to get out. I'm lucky he didn't try to finish Riftvan off last night. Maybe I forestalled this by handing him Jalana. Unfortunately, I'm sure Ahab knows how vulnerable Riftvan is right now. He'll never have a better chance to kill him. I just hope he doesn't try. I'll kill Ahab if I have to. I can't lose Riftvan too. I'll die first. Riftvan has a fever, but there's nothing I can do for it. He says it has to run it's course. There's nothing I can give him for the pain either, other than some whiskey. I've learned what caused the Hendrake vendetta, but it doesn't help. There's no way to end it, other than Riftvan's death or the destruction of House Hendrake. Right now, the latter would suit me fine. What kind of people kill babies, anyway? Morgan is the second son Riftvan's lost to this insanity. I will have my revenge for this. I can't just let them get away with killing Morgan. Riftvan thinks Jalana and I are safe now. I don't care. I'd rather have my son. This is all my fault. Maybe if I'd switched rooms. Or insisted we leave Amber right after he was born. I'd give anything just to have him back in my arms again. I can still almost sense him. I don't even have his body to send onward.