Amber, year four, day 101 (Tuesday, December 21) Morning Riftvan is back. I'm pretty sure he's planning on going to the wedding. I wish he wouldn't. Ahab deserves a happy day. But if he's determined to go, I can't really stop him. I tried to talk him out of it, but he argued that Kimdyl is a member of his house. I hope he doesn't get caught. Ahab's bound to be upset, and I don't want his wedding ruined. On the other hand, I will feel better knowing Riftvan's there, especially since he thinks the twins will be born in the next day or two. They do feel like they've dropped a bit. I was hoping I could hold on for another week or two, but I guess this is it. Riftvan says they're in good shape and starting to turn, but I'm still worried. It feels like it's too soon. Evening It's almost time for the bridal shower. Vialle was kind enough to offer to have it here, so I don't have to go up to the castle. I probably wouldn't be able to attend, otherwise. I hope Kimdyl doesn't mind. Amber, year four, day 102 (Wednesday, December 22) Early morning I'm going to kill Mother. Well, not really, but I wish she'd shut up. She has a lovely voice, but it's not what I want to hear at 2:00 in the morning. I have enough trouble sleeping as it is. The shower was very... interesting. It's odd being one of the only sober people in the room. Deirdre, Fiona, Flora, Heather, Llewella, Lyss, Mirelle, Mebd and Murine all were there. Fiona actually giggles when she gets drunk. She kept telling Heather to loosen up, and I think she slipped her something. Either that, or Heather has zero tolerance. I must admit, I was quite surprised to see Heather. I didn't even know she was back in town. Vialle hired some Rebman men who were... well endowed for entertainment. I think everyone had a pretty good time. I would have had a better one if I didn't feel like a beached whale. Kimdyl got some interesting presents. The best one was a statue from Fiona. She claimed that if Kimdyl kept it by her bed, it would protect her from the disadvantages of married life. A handy thing to have. Not that I would give up the twins, but I don't think I want to go through this again for a while. Deirdre, Fiona and Flora all left together, and I don't think they were heading back to the castle. Will wonders never cease, my aunts are actually human. I still find it hard to believe. Mother decided to spend the night in my spare bedroom with one of Vialle's entertainers. That's not the problem. Hell, it's what I would have done, were I able. The fact that she's currently singing at the top of her lungs, that's the problem. I'm going to get less sleep than the people who got hammered. Morning I can't tell you how good it feels to have finally gotten a good night's sleep. Riftvan came by while Mother was singing, and offered to help. He said I was going to need my rest for today. I was only too happy to take him up on his offer, and that's the last thing I remember. I haven't slept that soundly in a long time. It felt wonderful. Flora refuses to allow me to carry Alastor at the wedding. She's not letting anyone else carry their swords either, but it's annoying. However, to be honest, there's not much I could do with Alastor at this point that I can't do with a concealed dagger or two. I won't have any problem with that, considering the dress is big enough for two normal people to fit inside. I almost wish I didn't have to go. I feel so ugly. Afternoon Flora's definitely outdone herself with the wedding. Poor Foster got stuck wearing ruffles. He looks miserable. There was a girl seated with Heather and Mandor who could easily pass for Eris' sister. It must be Emer. Apparently quite some time has passed in Chaos. I never really noticed before the resemblance that Eris bears to Heather. Curious. Ahab certainly seems happy. Judging by the number of men with hangovers, I'd say Julian's party was a success. I'm sure the details will start circulating soon enough. Corwin actually wore Greyswandir to the wedding. Good for him. If looks could kill, then the expression on Flora's face would have melted him into a puddle. He's going to catch Hell when the ceremony is over. I almost made it. My water broke right in the middle of the "I do's." Shit. I didn't want to interrupt the ceremony, so I waited until the end. Which was delayed slightly when Foster pretended to have lost the rings. The boy has lousy timing. But I figured I had some time. Labor usually takes several hours, right? Not this time. I waited until the receiving line began to form, than had Gerard help me up to the infirmary. I was quite surprised that the contractions picked up in timing and intensity so quickly. I didn't think it would happen so fast. I thought I was prepared for the pain. I was wrong. I've seen more births than I can remember, and I knew it would be bad, but it was worse than I'd imagined. It didn't help that the twins wanted out long before I was ready. Leave it to Gerard to wait until now to decide that he really wasn't comfortable with delivering my children. He's known about this for how long? I told him to deal with it, or find someone who could. He looked rather shocked. I guess I yelled it at him, but damn it, he should have realized he was going to have a problem before I was in labor. And I had very little patience at that point. Gerard left to find a midwife. Shortly after he left, one of the castle guards walked in. I was about to tear into him when I noticed the eyes. Riftvan's eyes. This was confirmed a few moments later when he started at Kira, and she left. And he became Kira. Normally I would have raised more of an objection, but at that moment I didn't care about anything other than getting the twins out of me. Most of the rest is rather hazy. Mercifully so. I think I threw a glass of water at Riftvan at one point. I don't even remember why, but I remember that he deserved it. The midwife kept telling me to wait, but my body kept telling me to push, and I started screaming somewhere in there. I have no idea how long this lasted, but it seemed to be forever. Riftvan finally offered me something to take the edge off the pain. At that point, I would have done almost anything. I don't know what he gave me, but it was a relief. The urge to push wasn't nearly as bad, and I could actually think coherently again. Riftvan took my hand at that point. I guess I might have broken his hand if he'd done that earlier. When it was finally OK for me to push, my first child was born fairly quickly. The second one seemed to be moving just as rapidly, right up until it got stuck. The pain ripped right through whatever Riftvan gave me. I was pushing for all I was worth (Hell, at that point, I couldn't stop if I wanted to), but that only increased the pain. I could feel my child's pain on top of my own, and that only made it worse. If Riftvan hadn't been there, I don't know what would have happened. We probably would have died. I think Riftvan actually reversed the contractions. That's what it felt like, anyway. It was not pleasant. Not surprising, I suppose, since it was exactly the opposite of what my body wanted to do. All I know is that it hurt worse than anything I had experienced so far. Until the final contraction. I think I actually blacked out, momentarily. The next thing I remember is lying there in a daze. You know how it feels when you're so exhausted that you're too numb to even sleep? It felt like that. It took me a minute or two before I could even muster up the energy to inquire about the twins. I could hear them crying, so I knew they were alive. But Riftvan was spending so much time examining the second baby, I started to worry that something was wrong. I could barely voice the question, for fear of the answer I'd get. The answer wasn't what I was expecting. We have a son. I still can't quite believe it. Riftvan was so sure they would both be girls. And after the ultrasound, I was convinced as well. We knew one of them was a girl, and his eight previous children were girls, so it seemed almost impossible that the other twin would be a boy. I don't think I've ever seen Riftvan so stunned before. Even the time when I slapped him. He just held Morgan and stared at him for the longest time before giving him to me. Morgan was the one who reminded me the most of Riftvan. I should have known. He didn't even ask first. That's what really hurts. I thought he'd at least wait to learn my answer before trying that. Even if I'd said no, I was in no condition to stop him. But he couldn't even give me that chance. Damn him. He did ask me afterwards, but it meant nothing at that point. He'd already predetermined the answer. It's not how I wanted this to happen. I'm too tired to deal with this now. I must have drifted off to sleep. Not surprising. I don't think I felt this tired even after helping Foster with the Logrus madness. Ahab and Kimdyl came by. Ostensibly to see how I was doing, but it turned out all Ahab really wanted was to find Riftvan. I left it up to Riftvan whether he wanted to reveal himself. I did try to explain that I'd needed him here. At least Ahab didn't attack him. Where are we going to have the ceremony? I guess we could have it here, if I can get Ahab to promise to behave. That would be best. I don't really care who officiates. I don't worship the Unicorn, and marriages were never very religious where I was raised anyway. Whatever Riftvan needs to satisfy Chaos law is fine with me. Riftvan says Morgan's birth complicates things more than I can imagine. I can well believe that, but I'd already figured out a few of the complications myself. They're why I was hoping I wouldn't have a son. Hendrake might have left me alone if both of the twins were girls. There's no chance of that now. And once I marry Riftvan, I'm a part of their vendetta. I have to admit, that bothers me. Hell, it terrifies me. How do I defend myself and my children against an entire house? I can't, not forever. It's too dangerous for us go back to my home in town again. I can't even safely go outside on the castle grounds, without leaving Morgan behind. And I won't do that. Riftvan will try to protect us, but he makes himself more of a target in the process. I don't like any of this at all. I may have to leave Amber. I don't want to. It's finally starting to feel like home to me. And I wanted to raise my children here. Let them get to know all their relatives. It's an opportunity I never had. But Riftvan thinks he can hide us someplace safer in shadow. He'd also have to shapeshift me to look different, and I don't like that at all. I suppose most people would jump at the chance to choose their appearance, but I'm happy the way I am. OK, I wouldn't mind being taller, but other than that... I just feel like I'll lose part of my identity somehow. But I'll do whatever's necessary to keep my children safe. Riftvan would prefer I told as few people as possible about my departure. But I have to at least tell Ahab. I don't know about my other relatives, but I know that if I disappeared, he'd assume Riftvan had kidnapped me and would start hunting him down. Riftvan suggested killing a shadow of me and making it look like the Hendrakes were responsible. But I can't do that to my relatives. How could I face them after that? I'd like to think some of them would miss me. Besides, Ahab would still blame Riftvan. I can't tell Ahab where I'm going, or even why, because someone could find that out from him. I just need to come up with a reason why I'd leave Amber. I could always claim it's to keep him and Riftvan from running into each other. It's even partly true. I'm too exhausted to stay awake any longer. It's so weird not to feel the twins inside me. I kind of miss it. I miss feeling their minds the most. It's like there's a void in me now, where they used to be. Holding them is almost the same, but not quite. I need to get some sleep. I'll be able to think more clearly in the morning.