Amber, year three, day 282 continued Afternoon Ahab appeared on the beach in a shower of sparks. He refused to speak to me. I don't understand what happened. I haven't spoken to him in three days, since Bleys removed the spell on Felix, and he wasn't mad at me when I left. What did I do? He wanted Ariadne's trump, and left as soon as he got it. Felix had no idea what was going on either. We decided that if Ahab wanted our help, he would have asked. Felix went into town to do some errands. I'm going to work out for a while, until I no longer feel the urge to strangle Ahab. This may take a while. Amber, year three, day 283 (Monday, June 20) Morning Riftvan paid me another visit last night. He went a long way towards cheering me up. He even brought me another rose. I never did get around to asking him why he sent Murine after Felix in the first place. I wasn't in the mood last night, and he left before I woke up this morning. How did he manage to slip out without waking me? I don't usually sleep that soundly! Maybe the twins are tiring me out more than I thought. Or Riftvan. I think I'll go into town today and do some window shopping. I haven't really explored the town much. I've only been there twice since I came to Amber, and both times I went straight to Bloody Jake's. It's time I corrected that. Evening I spent the whole day in town. I had lunch at a delightful cafe and had a pretty good time all around. I ended up eating dinner in Amber, mostly because it was closer, and I was hungry. I'll admit, I was also hoping to run into Ahab there and find out what was bothering him. No sign of him or Kimdyl, but Mother and Lyss were there. Mother was reading a dictionary, of all things. I really should spend some more time with her. I don't know what Random told her, but she still doesn't seem well. I'll have to ask him at some point. And talk with Gerard as well. I'd like his opinion on what should be done next, if anything. I apologized to Lyss, for not helping her more with Dworkin. She didn't think there was anything I could have done, but I felt she deserved an apology anyway. She says she can actually see through the Jewel, although on a somewhat different level than normal sight. It doesn't work well with her good eye, though. I suspect it would tend to dominate, being more powerful. It has to be disconcerting. She's still deciding whether or not to have it removed. A tough decision. If she leaves it in, she'll have to deal with people pursuing her to get the Jewel. And who knows what affect it will eventually have on her. If it's removed, she loses her sight in that eye. I confess, I'm glad I'm not in her shoes. I think I'm going to spend a couple of hours studying the Pattern before I ride back to the summer house. I still haven't given up on mastering that teleportation trick. I don't want to spend too long there, however. I have no desire to wake up on that stone floor again. Some of Julian's men actually stopped me on the ride back. They warned me that it was dangerous for me to be riding alone at night. I was hard put not to laugh. I dare say I could take the three of them if I chose. Anything that I couldn't handle, they wouldn't be able to help much with. Besides, aren't they patrolling the roads to make them safe for people to ride? I doubt they would have stopped Felix or Ahab. No, they saw me and figured me for a poor, helpless female. They must have gone to the same backward school that Felix did. I found some milk and brownies waiting for me in my room. No sign of Riftvan though. I was about to eat them when I suddenly remembered Murine. She was poisoned by something she ate here. How did I know these were from Riftvan? OK, so I was being paranoid. Maybe it was Murine's recent recovery, acting as a reminder of what happened to her in the first place. Maybe it was the incident with Julian's men. All I know is that suddenly I wasn't very hungry anymore. It turns out my fears were groundless. Riftvan strolled in not long afterwards. I guess he was wandering around the house waiting for me to get back. I was a little surprised, since he usually won't leave my room, but I guess Gerard and Isabeux are asleep, Felix is still gone, and he hardly has to worry about Foster. I decided to ask him about Murine before going to bed this time. He finally admitted he did send her, as part of his plan. He still won't tell me what it is, other than it's insurance of some kind. He did say the plan doesn't endanger the children. Apparently their mixed heritage gives them some special abilities, including being able to possess both Pattern and Logrus. Merlin apparently already possesses both. But something has to be done to them in order for them to fully use their abilities. Naturally, he wouldn't tell me what that was. He did tell me he'd already done it to Foster. Whatever it is, it doesn't take very long. He doesn't think Dara did it to Merlin, though. I guess she doesn't have the skill. Then I got my surprise of the evening. I asked when he was planning on doing this to Nicholas. He told me he's already done so. Apparently he took Nicholas this afternoon. He says Nicholas was only gone for a few hours, but that was more than long enough. I was rather upset with Riftvan. Apparently, he didn't bother to consult either Ahab or Kimdyl before taking Nicholas. They must have been worried half to death! Riftvan argued that even if he'd asked, Ahab would never have approved. He's right about that. Ahab distrusts Riftvan too much. But Kimdyl would probably have allowed it. Riftvan said he didn't want to place Kimdyl that kind of a position, since she would have to betray Ahab. Damn it, every time he does something in a manner I disagree with, there's always a reason why it had to be done that way. He's right, it would have placed Kimdyl in a terrible position. She would either have had to disobey her Head of House, or do to Ahab in essence what Foster did to Felix. So he takes the blame himself so she won't have to make that decision. Unfortunately, this means Ahab will want to kill him again. I know how Ahab's mind works. He'll view this a threat that cannot be ignored, and Ahab can be remarkably single-minded about such things. Riftvan doesn't seem concerned, but I am. I've probably lost my best friend because of this, not to mention the fact that now he's trying to kill my lover. Riftvan's taking an awful risk by continuing to visit me. Ahab has to figure he'll come here. What if he decides to ambush Riftvan? Riftvan thinks he can handle it, and I guess if he's survived against the Hendrakes for this long, he probably can. Still, maybe it's selfish of me, but I wish Kimdyl had been in on it. Then again, Ahab would probably have blamed Riftvan for the whole thing anyway. I'll admit I'm glad that Ahab won't keep him away. I'd miss him terribly. What are we going to do when I leave the summer house? I'm not sure how long Felix's invitation is good for, but I can't stay here all summer. And with Ahab trying to kill him, he can hardly visit me at the castle. Besides, I'd like to see him more often than just at night. I asked him to let Kimdyl know why he took Nicholas, or at least to tell her it won't happen again. He couldn't understand why I was so concerned, especially since Kimdyl doesn't like me. It doesn't matter. My greatest fear since I learned I was pregnant has been that someone would take my children from me. And he actually did that to Kimdyl. He seems to think that it's not serious since Nicholas wasn't gone for long. That's not the point. She lost her child and doesn't know what happened to him or why he was returned. She must be terrified that it's going to happen again. No one deserves to suffer like that. He agreed to consider it. I hope he does talk to her. I asked Riftvan about Theresa, the other Amber/Chaos child that Felix mentioned. Riftvan says she's dead. Actually, he said she was unable to avoid the Hendrakes and is no longer in the game. I assume this means she's dead. Rakila protect my children from such a fate. What on Earth did Riftvan do to warrant such a vendetta? Theresa apparently was Delwin's child. I vaguely remember Mirelle telling me about him. He is Sand's twin brother. Apparently he was pretty active in Chaos, since he had another child there as well. You'll never guess who. Our own dear ambassador from Chaos, Alex. Riftvan was amused that I didn't know. Well, I did ask Ahab to look into the matter, but he hasn't gotten back to me about it, and now he may never tell me. I also learned that Delwin is being held a prisoner by Sand, who Riftvan says is insane. She didn't seem so on the occasions I saw her. Riftvan thinks she must have wanted something from me. I can't image what. She did have me following Heather, but I'm not sure what that gained her. She seemed genuinely interested in helping Mirelle and Driscoll. Then again, Mirelle didn't seem insane at the time either. Sand apparently has access to the power source for the Spikards, but she can't control the Spikards themselves. There's supposed to be eight of them. I wonder where they are? Bleys has one. I would assume Sand does as well. Fiona probably has Brand's. That accounts for three of them. Where are the other five? And where is this power source? Riftvan doesn't know, and he's had plenty of time to look. I'll bet at least one of the red-heads knows. It's no direct concern of mine, but I worry about the implications of an insane Amberite having access to what sounds like a large power source. Look at all the trouble Brand caused. I learned a lot more than I expected to tonight. Ironically, I learned the most about things I wasn't expecting to. If Riftvan was really as bad as Ahab thinks he is, why would he be telling me all of this? And why would he agree to teach me power words? He answered my request by asking if I was planning on slapping him again. I've only hit him once, and he more than deserved it that time. I told him that as long as he didn't do anything like that to me again, he was safe. As if I could ever really hurt him. He did comment that some of his forms are more resilient than others. Judging by how his jaw swelled up when I slapped him, I'd say his Faerie form does not handle physical contact well. Could I have killed him that one time? I don't know. I'd probably have used my sword, and I vaguely recall legends claiming Faerie's could only be harmed by iron. Or couldn't be harmed by iron. Or something like that. I'm just worried that Ahab will catch him off guard some day, like I did. And Ahab won't be satisfied with just a slap. Amber, year three, day 284 (Tuesday, June 21) Riftvan was still there this morning. It felt rather cozy just snuggling up to him. We discussed how to make it easier for us to be together. Riftvan suggested I find a house in town. It's a perfect solution. I'll be close to the castle when I want to visit, but I'll have privacy as well. I don't know why I didn't think of it. Amber, year three, day 289 (Sunday, June 26) Ahab is still ignoring me. I'm at a loss as to what to do. Does he hold me responsible for what Riftvan did? Damn it, I knew nothing about that until after the fact! That probably doesn't matter to Ahab, though. I guess he figures I'm guilty by association. What does he expect me to do? I won't leave Riftvan for him. Amber, year three, day 295 (Saturday, July 2) I found the perfect house. It's not far from Main Street and big enough for me, Kira and the guards. And the twins, when they arrive. Assuming I stay here after that. It'll take a day or two to finalize everything, and then I can move in. I'll miss being right on the beach, but Isabeux says I'm still welcome to visit. At least Felix won't have to be annoyed by my sleeping habits anymore. Amber, year three, day 299 (Wednesday, July 6) If I've calculated this correctly, my pregnancy should be entering its third month. It's becoming more obvious now. I can still hide it though, except for when I'm swimming. No other real changes. I'm still hungry most of the time and tiring sooner than I'm used to. I'm glad Riftvan and I went shopping that one time in Maui. I like the maternity clothes we bought there better than what's available in Amber. I'm going to need more, though. Maybe I can pick some up in shadow after my next pre-natal exam. Riftvan has agreed to come with me. I'm looking forward to seeing Maui again, even it's only for a day or two. I offered to let Riftvan psychically listen to the children. He seems to enjoy it as much as I do. I would have thought that after eight children this would be old hat to him, but it seems I was wrong. Amber, year three, day 305 (Tuesday, July 12) Morning I've had it with Ahab's attitude. I don't know what's going on here, but I refuse to just let our friendship slip away without at least determining what ended it. Evening It's all because of Riftvan! To be more precise, it's because I'm sleeping with Riftvan. I asked Ahab what I'd done to offend him, and he claimed it was the company I'm keeping. I had to ask for clarification on that one. Hell, his fiancee was trying to kill me, but I didn't blame him for it. It turns out he's decided that my relationship with Riftvan indicates I value sex more highly than our friendship. If only it were that simple. I'll admit that Riftvan is rather accomplished in that regard, but if that was the sole basis for our relationship, it would have ended when he left me in Amber. I had no trouble ending my sexual relationship with Ahab for that very reason: it was just sex. Ahab refused to believe me until I explained my reasons for staying with Riftvan. So I told him I was in love. It sounds so foolish, but it's the truth. I was waiting for some sort of snide comment, but for once he didn't make one. He did soften a bit after that and I think we're friends again. He even invited me to his wedding. Whenever that finally takes place. But I doubt our relationship will ever truly be the same again. At least not as long as he's trying to kill Riftvan. We talked for a little while after that. Ahab claims Kimdyl no longer wants to kill me. I'll admit I felt better upon hearing that. He's also asked Kimdyl about Alex's house. Apparently Alex's mother belonged to a House Borge, until she was kicked out for having Alex out of wedlock. Obviously House Borge is stricter about such things than House Vetch. It's rumored that Alex's father is an Amberite, and the likely suspects are either Bleys or Brand. Well, they got the Amberite part right. Ahab mentioned that Riftvan contacted Kimdyl after all. I admit, I was pleasantly surprised. He said he'd consider it, but that didn't mean he was going to do it. I wish I knew if he contacted her because he saw my point, or because I wanted him to. Regardless of his reasons, I hope it helped Kimdyl. How did he manage to make that trump call without waking me up? This disagreement with Ahab has served to point out how few of my relatives I've made an effort to know. The possibility of losing him as a friend hurt so much in part because he's one of the few people I know well here. I think it's time to change that. After all, I'm going to be in Amber for a while and the pregnancy is going to curtail most of my usual activities. It's kind of difficult to fence when your stomach is so big that you can't see your feet. Amber, year three, day 307 (Thursday, July 14) The pre-natal exam turned up no problems. Riftvan went with me as Mark, and it was almost like old times. I wish we could have stayed longer. Maui is such a lovely place. Amber, year three, day 316 (Saturday, July 23) I must be getting quite a reputation because of Riftvan. Whenever we go out, he uses a different form, so it looks like I'm always with somebody new. I'm definitely getting some odd looks from people. It's pretty amusing. At the very least it should confuse the issue as to who the twins' father is. Amber, year three, day 321 (Tuesday, July 28) Vialle's luncheons have been a godsend. They're one of the few occasions when I actually feel part of a family, not some loose conglomeration. She is easily the nicest person I've ever met. Mother seems to be slowly improving. It's still a little awkward talking to her, but that's probably due to the nature of our relationship. I think she's afraid I'll start calling her Mother and dumping all my problems on her. She's talked about my grandmother once or twice. It's still very upsetting for her. She was only nine when Paulette died, and she was the one who found the body. It sounds like my grandmother was mentally unstable as well. I hope this isn't genetic. I don't think it is. What Mother went through as a child would drive anyone insane, and who knows what Paulette's life was like before coming here. Oberon certainly didn't help matters any. Besides, Random seems perfectly sane. Random's been the biggest surprise to me. He actually is a nice person, once you get to know him. I'm still getting used to that. I think we just caught each other at a bad part of our lives. Lyss is rather amusing. It's hard to believe that a child of two good fighters like Ahab (well, his Pattern ghost) and Ariadne could know so little about the subject. Ahab's trying to teach her, and I think he's got his hands full. Her missing eye certainly can't be helping matters any. No depth perception does wonders for your fighting ability. Outside of her lack of fighting skills, she reminds me a lot of Ahab. Only not so bitter. Murine is working as Vialle's secretary now, and she appears to enjoy her job a lot. It seems to have given her a much needed focus in her life. Riftvan thinks she'll be safe as long as her memory doesn't return. From what I observed when examined her psychically, I doubt that will ever happen. I still wish I knew who was responsible. Who was she running from when she brought Foster to Amber? Amber, year three, day 326 (Tuesday, August 2) It wasn't a yes, it wasn't a no. And he's right, damn it! It is a liability. Look at all the trouble it's caused me. There's too much going on here that I don't understand, only it seems more dangerous for me to learn the truth than to remain in the dark. The problem is that it's awfully hard to defend yourself against what you don't even know. I'll have to trust him in this. But I do miss the days when the most serious thing I had to worry about was oversleeping. What really frightens me is what he said about the Hendrakes. I knew they wanted him dead, and were willing to kill his immediate family, but I had no idea this feud was on so large a scale. It sounds like neither side will be satisfied until the entire opposing house has been destroyed. What could have caused such enmity between them? Amber, year three, day 335 (Thursday, August 11) The doctor says things are going well. My weight and blood pressure are what they should be. I'm relieved that nothing seems to be wrong, so far. He thinks I should stop working out soon. I'd pretty much come to the same conclusion myself. I don't really have the energy for it anymore, and I'm getting too big. I'm having an ultrasound done at the next exam. Hopefully it will determine what sex the twins are. I know they're probably both girls, but it would be nice to have the question settled. I hope I don't have to wait until they're born to find out. Amber, year three, day 352 (Sunday, August 28) I felt something! I'm pretty sure I felt one of them move. I wish Riftvan was here. I can't wait to tell him when he returns. Amber, year three, day 359 (Sunday, September 4) Riftvan gave me a ring today. It's in the shape of a serpent biting it's tail. At first I thought it was an early Birthday present, but it's nothing so lighthearted. He says it will warn me when I'm in danger by squeezing my finger. I feel both comforted by the warning it will give me and frightened by the need for it. Amber, year three, day 363 (Thursday, September 8) The ultrasound found nothing wrong, but we could only determine the sex of one of the twins. It's is a girl. Riftvan looked awfully smug at the news. I know it's unlikely that I'd be carrying a boy given his past record, but I'd rather be sure. The doctor agrees that I'm into my fifth month by now. I can actually hear their hearts beating with the fetoscope. Riftvan was amused at how excited I was, but he listened too. Amber, year four, day 1 (Sunday, September 11) My fifty-third Birthday was far different from my last one. A year ago today, I was drunk off my ass in San Diego. If you'd told me then that on my next Birthday I'd be 18 weeks pregnant with twins, I'd have laughed in your face. How easily our certainties can be knocked aside. Riftvan gave me an beautiful hair comb with a fall motif and we went out to dinner. It was a lovely evening all around. Amber, year four, day 11 (Wednesday, September 21) It's gotten too cold to swim anymore. Not that I've been swimming much lately, but I'm sad to see the summer go. This will be my first winter in Amber. I wonder if they'll be much snow? Amber, year four, day 17 (Tuesday, September 27) I'm beginning to suspect the Pattern's affect on fertility is not involuntary on its part. There's no sign that Isabeux's conceived, and even if she didn't tell anyone, it should be visible by now. If the Pattern increases fertility selectively, why did it do so for me? Why was it so important for me to get pregnant? And why did the Rose want Ahab to have a child? I asked the Pattern, but it chose not to respond. It's as bad as Riftvan in that regard. I'll have to discuss this with Ahab. Maybe he's learned more from the Rose. Amber, year four, day 20 (Friday, September 30) Ahab had already come to the same conclusions as I, but the Rose was no more forthcoming than the Pattern. What are they up to? Ahab apparently told the Rose that if Kimdyl got pregnant again, he'd sacrifice the baby at its center. Assuming the Rose believes him, that's a pretty effective threat, but it still leaves the question of what they want out of our children. What do they gain from a child who has blood from both Chaos and Amber? Amber, year four, day 26 (Thursday, October 6) Month number six, and things are definitely getting crowded down there. It's starting to get uncomfortable, and I don't think it's safe for me to ride any longer. The doctor says everything's still going well. We discussed what I can do to carry the twins as close to term as possible. He thinks I'll probably have to confine myself to bed in a month or so. It shouldn't be necessary until after my next exam, but he warned me to take it easy. As if I could do anything else. I'm really worried about having the twins prematurely. If I knew I'd at least be having them in a hospital, it wouldn't be so bad. Unfortunately, that's probably too dangerous. But Amber doesn't have the technology to deal with premature infants. It's times like this that I wish I didn't have any medical training. I know all of the things that could go wrong with this pregnancy. Odds are, if they're born prematurely, they'll be breech, and I've seen enough of breech births to know how difficult that is. What if I need a C-section? If I have them in Amber, they could die due to the lack of technology. But if I have them in shadow, they could be killed by the Hendrakes, or whoever else Riftvan has pissed off. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Amber, year four, day 27 (Friday, October 7) Riftvan definitely thinks I should have the twins in Amber, in the castle if I can. I wouldn't want to have them anywhere else in Amber. At least Gerard has modern medical training, even if he doesn't have the technology to go with it. Riftvan promised he'd be there if things go wrong. I hope so. I don't want to do this alone. But I'm still frightened. Amber, year four, day 39 (Thursday, October 19) The kicking is starting to get harder and their mental patterns are definitely getting more distinct. One of them reminds me a lot of Riftvan. I think that's the one that's kicking me the most. Riftvan finds this rather humorous. I think we've finally settled on a name for the second child: Alura if it's a girl, Morgan in the unlikely event it's a boy. I liked the name Adara, but he thought it sounded too much like Dara. I guess there's some bad blood between them. Amber, year four, day 54 (Thursday, November 3) I'm pretty much confined to bed for the rest of this pregnancy. I'll miss the luncheons with Vialle, but I won't miss the trip up to the castle. Just the walk from the main hall was tiring. It would help if I could I take a deep breath, but there's no room. And it's only going to get worse. To be honest, I find myself wondering how they're going to fit. I feel like I'm going to burst as it is, and I've got three months to go. Amber, year four, day 84 (Friday, December 2) I never knew how boring it could be to stay in bed all of the time. I miss having a TV. I've painted just about everything I'd care to at this point. I wanted to paint a picture of Riftvan, but he said the risk was too great. I don't understand why. It's just a picture and it wouldn't even be of his true form. He wouldn't explain, but I'm getting used to that. I've even taken up sewing again. It's been decades since I bothered, but I've had plenty of time on my hands to get the hang of it again. So I'm sewing baby clothes. It's disgustingly domestic, but what else is there to do? I have a good stock of books, and I can always send Kira to get more, but even that gets old after a while. Well, at least I've had plenty of time for research. I learned some interesting things about Faeries. The information varied a lot, but there were a few common weaknesses. Hopefully Ahab won't figure them out. I wonder if it bothers Riftvan that I'm digging into this? Amber, year four, day 98 (Wednesday, December 14) It's getting impossible for me to sleep for any length of time. Every time one of the twins moves, she wakes me up. And they never seem to sleep at the same time. They're so cramped in there! Neither of them is very happy about it. They keep trying to stretch out and hitting each other, or me. Especially Alura. I'm so tired. I wish it was February already. Amber, year four, day 100 (Monday, December 19) Ahab and Kimdyl are finally getting married in two days. It's certainly taken them long enough. I'll bet Random can't wait to get it over with, just so he doesn't have to deal with Flora any longer. Kira tells me the bachelor party is tomorrow. Julian's in charge, so it should be pretty interesting. I'd love to be able to watch it. I'd love to be able watch almost anything right now. I'm tired of not being able to get out of bed, and I'm still a month and a half away from my due date. Somehow I doubt I'll make it that far. I'd probably explode first. I wish I knew how to shapeshift. Then I could just expand to give them enough room. As it is, I'm not even sure I'll make it to my ninth month. Gods above, please let them be born safely. I couldn't bear to lose them after coming this far.