Amber, year three, day 277 continued Afternoon I knocked on Mother's door, but there was no answer. I decided to go to the library to do some research instead. It's occurred to me that I don't know nearly enough about the way things work in Chaos. And like it or not, I suspect this pregnancy is going to involve me in far more of the affairs of Chaos than I would prefer. I don't even know if the child will be considered an Amberite, a Chaosite or both. I'll feel better once I understand the sort of situation I may find myself in once the child is born. My life would be much simpler if it wasn't for this pregnancy. I suppose I could still abort the child. That would certainly take care of most my problems. Unfortunately, I actually want this child. Why is it that the simplest solutions are never a viable option? There was nothing useful in the library. I figured we must have some information on the laws of Chaos, otherwise how could we have made an affective treaty with them? So I went to see Bill Roth. Sure enough, he had what I was looking for. The book is enormous, but it sounds like it contains the information I desire. I wonder if we have any books on individual houses? Somehow I doubt it, but it can't hurt to ask. I read for an hour or so, until lunch. Still no answer at Mother's door, but I found her in the dining room. She seems much the way she was before she attacked Brand. She actually started singing during the meal. She does have a lovely voice. It's not surprising, considering that she worked as a lounge singer for a while. Random looked real unhappy during the meal. At one point, he just glared at me. I'm not sure why. I was just looking to see his reaction to the song. Ahab set the whole thing off by apparently humming or singing another song. When I asked why, he indicated he didn't want to discuss it in the dining room. So I arranged to talk to him after lunch. Kimdyl objected to a remark I made, and responded by pulling my chair out from under me. She really is rather childish. I wish she would get over this insane jealousy of hers. I refuse to become her new sparring partner now that Murine is comatose. I wonder if all the women in Vetch's house are this insane? If they are, I hope I have a son. Dworkin is dead. Deirdre killed him. It seems hard to believe. Impossible even. I didn't think she could pull it off. Assuming he really is dead. We've certainly thought so before. If he is dead, the Pattern doesn't seem to be affected. It disappeared when he was imprisoned. I hope he is dead though, given what he did to Lyss. He took out her eye and replaced it with the Jewel of Judgment! No wonder Random was in such a bad mood. Why does he have so much trouble keeping track of that thing? I'll bet Corwin is glad he changed his mind about wanting to be King. Poor Lyss. I still can't believe Dworkin did that to her. Why would he do such a thing? I feel like I should have done something to stop him, but I had no idea he'd hurt her like that. And to be honest, I don't think I could have stopped him. But I wish I'd tried harder. Ahab also told me that the Logrus attacked the Rose. I'm not sure if he meant the Logrus itself, or forces from Chaos working under it's direction. The Rose was able to repel the attack, but Abe died in the process. As if Lyss hadn't suffered enough, she had to lose her father too! And to think I was feeling sorry for myself. At least I never knew my father, so learning of his death was easier for me to deal with. I asked Ahab to see what he can do to persuade Kimdyl to leave me alone. I hope he's successful. The problem is that I fear she will eventually escalate things and attack me. I saw the way she went after Murine. If she does that to me, I might kill her, which will no doubt make Ahab very unhappy. He's the best friend I have, and I don't want to lose him due to his fiancee's stupid jealousy. But I won't let her kill or maim me either. The recent revelations about Kimdyl, Murine and Foster's house have caused me to wonder what house Alex belongs to. I asked Ahab to see if Kimdyl knows. As long as she doesn't learn that the question originated with me, I think she'll give him an honest answer. Neither Ahab nor I have seen Bleys since our attempt to track down Vetch a few days ago. I'd like to ask Random about it, but in his current state I'd rather not approach him. Let someone else take the heat for once. Still, I'm concerned. The circumstances under which he disappeared were rather suspicious. Maybe I'll ask Random in a day or two, if his mood improves. Or I could ask Vialle. I finally had a chance to talk with Mother. She denied that she was my mother, until I told her I'd learned the truth from her Pattern ghost. I neglected to mention I'd confirmed it in her own mind. I'd rather not remind her of that. She says she killed my father because he was beating her at the time. Which jibes with what I learned from her mind. I guess she expected me to be angry with her, for killing my father and abandoning me. I can hardly blame her for the first, when I nearly did the same thing myself. Especially if he was beating her. And she did make an effort to find a good place to leave me. I certainly can't complain about my life there. It was probably better than the life I would have had if she'd kept me. Once it was established that I didn't want vengeance, that still left the question of what our relationship is going to be. I think it's too late for any true mother/daughter relationship. I still think of my adoptive mother as my true one. But we're going to try to be friends. At least that's a start. Mother seems to have a lot of holes in her memory. She doesn't remember sending Driscoll to find me, and I don't think Driscoll was lying about that. She barely remembers when he brought me to her villa. If I'm lucky, she's forgotten the mind probe as well. It remains to be seen how well she will recover. I was right about one thing though. She still isn't completely sane. I told her about the baby. Better she hear it from me than someone else. She asked if the father was still alive. I told her it was a near thing, and she admitted we do seem to be related. I'd rather we didn't have that particular trait in common. She wanted to be alone after that, so I left. I've decided to ride back to the summer house. I think a quiet afternoon reading under a tree is just what the doctor ordered.