Session 139
Vetchways, year 27, day 256 (Thursday, December 29, 4)
Afternoon
I spoke too soon, it seems, with regard to the scrying pool. Things
are running fast enough here, when compared to Amber, that all the pool
can show me are images. Some of them are rather amusing, though. It
looks like Tamaryn managed to get most of the family, before Benedict
started chasing her. The whole family, done up as faeries. I have to
admit, it does look rather amusing.
Vetchways, year 27, day 257 (Thursday, December 29, 4)
Morning
Solid food at last! I never thought that eating could be such a
wonderful thing. Then again, I've never been on an I.V. for any length of
time before. I'm so hungry! I wish I had the energy to eat faster. It's
funny how the simple act of eating can be so draining. Lucien says that
will get better, though, as I'm able to get more food into me, since it
will help fuel my shapeshifting. So, the more I can eat, the faster I'll
heal. Sounds good to me.
So Gavin wasn't involved with Lasker after all. Lucien thinks he's
actually a target. I wonder if that's why he was trying to Trump me? He
really does seem to have the worst luck of anyone I've ever met. I
suppose it's fortunate that Tamaryn chose to turn the family into faeries,
even if most of them would disagree. At least while Gavin is a faerie,
Lasker won't be able to find him. Still I wish Lucien was ready to go
after Lasker now. It's strange to feel upset over the fact that Lucien
has a few more things to wrap up before he's ready to go kill someone.
But given all the trouble that Lasker has caused... Not to mention the
fact that he's looking for me, to feed off of me, or worse. When it comes
right down to it, I'll be happy when I know he's gone. Him and Sand.
Even Vincent isn't sure where she might be. Lucien suggested that maybe
her ghost has finally gone on, but I don't think he really believes this.
It seems too good to be true. I mean, it would be the perfect ending.
Vincent free of her, and no one else to suffer from her possession. I
just wish I could believe it.
Afternoon
I feel strong enough to draw now, so I've requested some pencils and
paper from Millicent. Maybe drawing some of the scenes I'm seeing in the
scrying pool will keep me from fretting about where Sand has
gone...wondering if she's in the baby. I have to do something.
Vetchways, year 27, day 258 (Thursday, December 29, 4)
Morning
Millicent says that since I seem to be doing so well, Lucien has
increased the time flow again in this part of the Ways. I suppose he
feels he doesn't need to look in on me as often now that I'm on the road
to recovery. He promised to come by every two days, though. I wonder how
often that is for him? And how he keeps track? Actually, the oddest
thing is that he can speed up this part of the Ways. I thought
that altering time could only be done by Pattern or Logrus, and Lucien's
skill with the Logrus simply isn't that great. Not that I told Millicent
this. Lucien once said that he had to reclaim his Ways, back when we
first lived in Chaos. Just what is the connection between a ways and
their maker? I'll have to remember to ask Lucien about that, on one of
his visits...when Millicent isn't around.
Evening
I have to admit, I'm enjoying the scrying pool, even if I can only get
still scenes. Poor Felix. I think he's going to feel pretty awful when
he gets back to normal.
Vetchways, year 27, day 259 (Thursday, December 29, 4)
Morning
I walked! OK, it was with Millicent's help, and kind of shaky at
first, but I walked! Gods, it's good to be out of bed. I feel almost
human again. If only I didn't tire so quickly.
Afternoon
Lucien seemed pleased to see that I'm walking, if a bit slowly. At
this rate, he thinks I might be recovered enough to go home in less than a
week. Gods, wouldn't that be wonderful?
Evening
How, in Eral's name, did Alexandra wind up in that situation?
And I thought Felix was going to feel embarrassed when he becomes human
again. Maddy will probably want to sink into the floor. I doubt Ishmael
will be bothered, though. He's never been particularly modest, and
besides, he's been pretty angry with Alexandra ever since we were captured
by Finndo. Still, I hope they don't leave her there like that for long.
Gods, it's rather frustrating not to be able to do anything about what I'm
seeing.
Vetchways, year 27, day 260 (Thursday, December 29, 4)
Morning
There's actually a hot springs next door. That's the last thing I was
expecting. Millicent says it's so I can exercise without putting too much
strain on myself. Which makes perfect sense. It's just rather surprising
to find a hot spring right outside of your bedroom. I wonder, did Lucien
have to set that up after I was injured, or did he already have this
prepared in case of an emergency? I don't suppose it matters. The water
feels wonderful, however it got here.
Evening
Benedict's finally caught up with Tamaryn. Too bad I can't tell what
he's saying to her. He has that look, though. It's a lot like the look
he had when he was lecturing the children after they walked the Pattern.
Poor Tamaryn. She's going to be living this down for quite some time.
Vetchways, year 27, day 262 (Thursday, December 29, 4)
Evening
Ishmael finally got around to freeing Alexandra. Well, I suppose it
wasn't that long for him. He seems to be human again, so I guess
Tamaryn's started changing everyone back. Pity they didn't decide to go
after Lasker and his vampires first. Then again, it's hard to get faeries
to take anything seriously for long.
Vetchways, year 27, day 264 (Thursday, December 29, 4)
Afternoon
My, that felt wonderful. I was afraid Lucien might think I wasn't
strong enough, but I felt ready, and thankfully, he required little
persuading. The water only made it better. In some ways, I was reminded
of the first night we spent together, on the beach near Rebma. That was
such a wonderful night. I feel almost giddy now. I'm sure some of it is
just relief that I feel almost normal again. The past few weeks have been
difficult, being so weak. Some of the scenes I observed in the scrying
pool didn't help matters much, either...faeries can be such amorous
creatures. It's rather frustrating to feel aroused and know you can't do
anything about.
I don't know why Lucien thought that would bother me. I mean, really,
so what if his Ways are a blood creature of sorts? It actually makes more
sense than the alternative. The way they can shift and change the way
they do...it's only logical that they be alive. I wish I could explain to
Lucien why that doesn't bother me, but the thought of his head being cut
off does. I know, logically, that he can survive that, but even so, my
heart still aches to think about it happening. It's like I told him,
things that I have no preconceptions about are easy to handle. It's the
things that defy my preconceptions that I have difficulty with...even if
they defy my preconceptions in a good way. You know...if he could regrow
his entire body from his head, or his head from his body, then if he did
both, would there be two of him? Why not? There were two of him
for a while, one here, and one in Amber. Gods, I wonder, as long as some
small piece of him remains, can he ever really die? Of course, even if
that's true, it only counts so long as he can shapeshift, and I've seem
him nearly die twice when something prevented it. Still, if that's his
only weakness, maybe I don't need to worry so much about him dying on me,
after all. Now if only the same was true of our children.
Vetchways, year 27, day 266 (Thursday, December 29, 4)
Morning
It's good to be home. Wonderful, in fact. I was so happy to see the
children again, I almost cried. Wouldn't that have been hard to explain?
As far as they know, I just haven't been feeling well for a couple of
days. It feels so strange to feel like this...so happy. It's just
wonderful to be alive, right now.
Jesbyways
Afternoon
The Faerie Ward that Whimsy absorbed is having a most unexpected
effect on her, one I am at quite a loss to explain. It is changing
her...inside. On the surface, she is still an Amberite, but her
reproductive organs, at least, are becoming...faerie. It seems almost a
contradiction. If the Faerie Ward repels all things faerie, then why
would she be adapting to it by becoming more faerie than she was before?
If I had not seen it myself, I would have guessed that such a change would
kill her, or at least cause her to become ill, but it has not. Which
makes me wonder if perhaps she has become a different kind of faerie than
has ever been seen before...one which is immune to the Ward's effects.
Which would have significant implications for her children. I believe
they will be faerie, once the process is complete. She should have the
sporadic faerie fertility, and the double ovulation that often accompanies
it. Not always, though. Tamaryn was an only child, after all. Still, if
the children are faerie, the Ward will either kill them before they come
to term, or they will be born with an immunity to it. I can see no other
possible outcomes. For Whimsy's sake I hope it is the latter. Otherwise,
she cannot hope to fulfill her agreement with Edwin's mother. Although,
once the faeries learn that Whimsy's children are immune to the Wards, I
fear they will try to steal them for breeding purposes. So Whimsy faces
either miscarrying every pregnancy, or bearing her children only to lose
them. Either outcome would crush me, but Whimsy...seemed unconcerned.
Her primary concern, in fact, seemed to be convincing Lady Jesby that she
is fertile, so she can fulfill her bargain. I suppose it won't matter to
her if the child is stolen after it's birth, since her agreement only
required that she bear it. Maybe I'm being too cynical regarding her true
feelings on the matter, though. I know she grieved for the child she
lost. Despite her apparent indifference to the idea of more children,
would she truly feel nothing once the child is in her arms? I don't know.
I just hope things work out the way that she wishes them to, whatever
that actually is.
Evening
At least Lucien doesn't think that contacting Brand is a bad idea.
Even if I couldn't see how it would hurt, the thought still made me
nervous. Then again, that's hardly surprising given our history...which
is why I asked Lucien if he thought it would be a mistake. But it seems
my logic is sound. Brand is the other Avatar of Trump, after all. Even
if Vincent doesn't know what happened to Sand, maybe he does.
Vetchways, year 27, day 267 (Friday, December 30, 4)
Morning
Lasker is dead. I feel such an overwhelming sense of relief. I
hadn't realized how much the matter was weighing on me until I heard the
news. I guess I had managed to push the matter to the back of my mind,
but it was always there, the knowledge that I could not leave the Ways
without risking falling into his hands. But now I'm free, free to return
to Amber, if I like. I must remember to thank Lucien for dealing with
him. Even if he didn't tell me when he was leaving to do so. I suppose
he just thought it would make me worry.
It wasn't Lucien after all. Then who? Why didn't Random's note
identify him? Or her? Was it Shard? Gavin? Who else was going after
him? I wish I knew who it was, just so I could thank them. I still can
hardly believe that he's finally gone. Maybe Tamaryn knows. I should
call her anyway, just to see how she's handling the aftermath of her
little...escapade.
It was Felix. Felix! I never even considered that it might be him.
Not that he wouldn't want to, but...Felix is usually so
non-confrontational. I guess he's not when he's a faerie. From the sound
of it, he's lucky things worked out the way they did. What if Lasker had
killed him before he managed to get to the desert? We might never have
known what happened to him.
Afternoon
You'd think, after all of this time, that I could face Brand without
feeling so...tense. Strained. Uncomfortable. It's been so long
since...what he did to me. And he's such a different person now. I know
that. I know that. And yet...speaking to him is still hard,
sometimes. The beard helps. It makes him look different from the man who
raped me, enough so that sometimes I almost forget he's the same person.
But then a memory slams into my mind, of his face hovering over mine, of
his hands touching my body...and then I have to strain to keep from
recoiling away from him, to keep the fear out of my eyes. I don't think
I'm always successful. It's obvious from how he behaves around me that he
knows speaking to him can be difficult for me...the way he warned me that
he would have to touch me to check for Sand's presence. The way he held
his hand out for me to take, rather than taking mine. The way he didn't
linger after we were finished. I want to assure him that I don't blame
him for he did before, that I know he doesn't remember, that he's
different. And that's all true but...still the memories haunt me. I
guess I should be thankful that he doesn't remember as well. How much
harder would it be to face him knowing that he remembered too?
At least I now know that Sand isn't lurking in my mind, somewhere.
So, whatever the reason for my slow healing, it isn't because of her. At
least not directly. I'm beginning to suspect it's something she did at
the time when I was shot. She knew after the first two shots that I was a
shapeshifter, after all. Maybe she decided to make sure that didn't save
me the third time. Maybe she was able to program my mind to not use my
shapeshifting. She was able to influence what I saw and heard and felt in
the castle, so that implies she was able to control my mind, to some
extent. Maybe she did the same at the Fount. I guess she couldn't stop
my shapeshifting completely, or I would have died, but maybe it was enough
to inhibit it. It's the most likely explanation I can think of, right
now. I just wish I could be certain it was the right one. I'm sure
Lucien would say that I've recovered, and my shapeshifting is back to
normal, so it really doesn't matter why she did it. But I'd feel better
if it wasn't some mysterious unknown.
In some ways, it almost would have been easier if Brand had detected
Sand in my mind. At least then I'd know she hadn't taken over the baby.
My poor, innocent child. Gods, what will I do if she is inside of him?
Brand doesn't want to risk checking until he's six months along. At that
point, I'll be able to feel him move...sense his mind. I'm not even sure
I could bring myself to kill him now, even if Sand has possessed him. By
then...it will be too late. Gods, I hope Brand finds her in the Fount.
Or that Meander finds her in Amber. Anything other than finding her in my
baby.
Felix seems to have recovered from whatever Lasker did to him. I'm
sure Tamaryn saw to that. Pity he didn't manage to take out any of the
other vampires, but I'm happy to settle for Lasker. More than happy.
Felix really was lucky, though. It doesn't sound like he had any sort of
a plan beyond leaving Lasker in the 'Tween to starve to death. I can see
how that would appeal to a faerie. Of course, faeries usually steer well
clear of vampires...for good reason. I learned the hard way how badly a
faerie body stands up to a vampire's speed and strength. Just because
they can't see you, doesn't mean they can't hit you. I guess Felix found
that out as well.
I wonder who will be put in charge of getting rid of the rest of the
vampires? Probably Shard. Who better to send after vampires than another
vampire? I wonder how he's doing, these days? We left Amber so quickly,
I never had a chance to say goodbye. Maybe that was for the best. Given
that I can't allow myself to be more than just a friend to him, it's
probably easier on him not to have me around at all.
Vetchways, year 27, day 269 (Sunday, January 1, 4)
Afternoon
I notified the University that I would not be teaching my usual
classes this coming term. I wouldn't have been very effective in the
martial classes in a couple of months anyway, and it shouldn't be hard to
find someone at the hospital to teach my medical classes. I just feel
like I'd be spending too much time away if I kept teaching them. It never
seemed like that before, but my perspective seems to have changed
somewhat. I guess the awful visions Sand gave me, and then my injury,
clarified some things for me. Like how important my family is to me. Not
that they were unimportant before, far from it, but... I can't quite
explain it, but it's like they've become even more precious to me now.
And I don't want to spend so much time away from them.
Vetchways, year 27, day 270 (Monday, January 2, 4)
Morning
I finally asked Lucien if he would continue instructing me in
shapeshifting. I should be well enough by now for that not to stress me
unduly. The baby will limit some of what I can do of course, but there
are still areas I can work on. Lucien said he's willing to teach me, but
he may not have much time for a while. He's still busy getting the House
in order. I offered to learn from another instructor if he wanted, but he
wouldn't hear of it. I guess I'm not all that surprised. Where could he
find a shapeshifter who was both advanced enough to teach me, and
trustworthy enough that he could be certain he wouldn't hurt me?
Vetchways, year 27, day 272 (Wednesday, January 4, 4)
Morning
Jalana, Morgan and Shannon are leaving home today. I told myself I
was ready for this, but still, I'm finding it hard. I knew they wouldn't
stay here. Amber is their home, not Chaos, and they're old enough to be
on their own now. They have no reason to stay here. I knew this would
happen sooner or later, and I don't blame them for going, but...I'm still
going to miss them terribly.
Vetchways, year 27, day 274 (Friday, January 6, 4)
Evening
Sand is not in the Fount. Brand has confirmed it. That leaves her
spirit loose without a body, or... Gods, I hope Meander is able to locate
her. One by one, all the possibilities are being eliminated, except for
the one I dread the most. It's getting harder and harder not to worry
about it. I wish I knew how Lucien does it.
Vetchways, year 27, day 275 (Saturday, January 7, 4)
Afternoon
Vincent's finally departed Jesbyways, and seems to have recovered from
his ordeal. I thought there might be some change to him, now that Sand no
longer haunts him, but he seems no different than before. Perhaps I was
too late. She was with him for so many years, that maybe he'll never
truly be free of her. If only I'd tried harder to find a way to get rid
of her, maybe I could have freed him sooner... Before he lost his
childhood at such a young age. I know he says I did my best, and he
doesn't seem to be blaming me. It's just hard not to wonder if there
wasn't something I could have done.
Vetchways, year 27, day 277 (Monday, January 9, 4)
Morning
Still no response to my ad on the Disc. I'm beginning to wonder if
there ever will be. I know that enchantment is not a very common magic
there, but I was hoping... It seems Alastor will have to wait a little
longer to be restored. I can hardly go searching through Shadow for a
solution now. After all I went through recently, all my worry that I
might have hurt the baby, it would be terribly foolish of me to risk his
life now just to enchant my sword. I can wait a little longer for
that.
Evening
That was rather unexpected, though in hindsight, I guess it shouldn't
have been. I really don't know my way around the Courts well enough yet
to safely get by without someone who does. A personal assistant, Lucien
called her, but at first he said she was a bodyguard, and it wouldn't
surprise me if she turns out to be both. It would be just like Lucien. I
guess I can live with it. She seems nice enough, and I do need someone to
teach me the local customs. Not that I was planning to spend much time
outside of the House anyway, but, you never can tell what might
happen.
Vetchways, year 27, day 278 (Tuesday, January 10, 4)
Afternoon
It still feels odd to see Cymnea around the Ways. I haven't quite
gotten over the fight or flight response she invokes in me...although it's
gotten a little better. She does seem much more sane than when she was
attacking Amber...almost friendly. Maybe Heather's trap worked after all.
I wonder if Benedict's been to see her yet? Does he even know she's
free? Surely he must. Who knows what terms they last parted on,
though?
Angelique's being awfully friendly too. She and Cymnea have even
invited me to weekly tea. Of course, both of them know exactly how to
behave at tea, whereas I'm still figuring that out, so maybe this is just
an opportunity for them to laugh at my expense. Still, she did offer to
show me what the duties of the Lady of the House are. Apparently, it's
mostly running the household affairs, things that she's been handling so
far. She offered to keep doing it if I wanted her to. Not likely. Not
that I have a great desire to take those duties over, but even I know how
bad it will look if I allow Lucien's ex-wife to do what technically is my
job now. Gods, why does this have to be so complicated?
Vetchways, year 27, day 281 (Friday, January 13, 4)
Morning
Meander's spell did not detect Sand's presence. Which, if Brand was
right, means her spirit is not at large. I feel so cold right now.
Another alternative gone. I am left to pin my hopes on the possibility
that Sand was destroyed when she was forced out of Vincent's head. No
other possibility is left, besides the unthinkable. Meander has offered
to make a charm, if I can find something of Sand's, but what good will
that do? I can't put it on someone who hasn't even been born yet. Still,
I'm going to try. I have to. At least I'll be doing something. My only
other option is to just give up, and I can't do that.
Evening
I'm not surprised that Lucien knew the way to Sand's Shadow...to the
bedroom in her castle, in fact. They were lovers, after all. To be
honest, I'm rather grateful that he offered to come with me, and even more
so that he was willing to go today. I know how busy he's been, and I
offered to wait, but deep down, I'm relieved that I didn't have to. I'm
sure he knew that. And, if I'd gone with anyone else, it would have taken
much longer to find Sand's castle. Not to mention find something that
belonged to her in the castle. As it was, I'm glad to have spent as
little time there as possible. It was rather creepy there, with the
castle run down and falling apart... Having Lucien there was rather a
great comfort. Now all I have to do is wait for Meander to make the
charm...which won't be until the full moon in Amber, a week from now. I
guess we didn't need to hurry, after all. But I'm still glad we did.
Vetchways, year 27, day 290 (Sunday, January 22, 4)
Afternoon
Meander's completed the charm at last. It's a moonstone on a string.
He says the stone will glow if Sand comes near it. I was relieved to note
it didn't glow when I put it on. I guess that definitely proves that she
isn't in me. Would it pick up if she was in the baby, though? I'm still
in the first trimester. Meander isn't sure. I guess all I can do is wear
it, and pray it doesn't begin to glow as the baby develops.
Vetchways, year 27, day 293 (Wednesday, January 25, 4)
Afternoon
I wasn't expecting Mother to be willing to come to Chaos, after her
experience here with Fenar. Nor Grayson, really, or the girls. But I had
to at least make the invitation. I'll just have to visit them in Amber.
I'm happy for the excuse to spend some time there, actually. I'm still
not comfortable enough here to think of this place as home yet. Maybe
when I'm more familiar with the customs, it won't seem so strange to me.
I hope so. I'd hate to be feel this out of place forever.
Vetchways, year 27, day 304 (Sunday, February 5, 4)
Evening
Grayson still shows more interest in having a good time than in
spending time with his children. I've given up on trying to change that.
I don't have the energy to waste trying to force an interest that isn't
there, and as things stand right now, his sons are better off not seeing
all that much of him. He's not exactly a good example to hold up to them
at the moment. At lunch with him today, I told him that I'm here if he
ever needs me, and I meant that. But I've decided that until he decides
he does, I'm going to leave him alone to make his own mistakes. Hard as
that is for me to do. I have enough other children to worry about as it
is. I just hope this was the right decision, in the long run.
Vetchways, year 27, day 313 (Tuesday, February 14, 5)
Morning
Whimsy seems to have completed her transformation with no ill effects,
just as I expected. I should be able to spark her ovulation such that she
will be fertile on her wedding night, but we agreed that I should check
the night before, just to be sure. I must admit, I was a bit surprised
when Whimsy asked me to be one of her bridesmaids. She keeps herself so
closed off that sometimes I'm not certain if she thinks of me as a friend,
or just another annoying relative. I'd like to think this means its the
former.
Afternoon
I can't believe I was so naive. I should have checked on this long
ago. He's still married to her! At least here in Chaos. Which makes me
his second wife to some, his mistress to others. His mistress! I won't
be that. I won't play Vixen to Lucien's Eric, knowing I'm viewed as some
interloper, and Angelique is seen as his rightful wife. Why is he still
married to her? Surely he can't wish to have her as his wife, can he? I
need to find him, to hear his explanation for this. And to settle this
matter once and for all.
I suppose I can see his reasoning, even if I don't agree with it. I
admit that divorcing Angelique could well stir her animosity again. And
if we were living in Amber, leaving things alone probably wouldn't bother
me so much. There, at least, there is no doubt that I'm his wife. But
how could I live here, year after year, being thought of as nothing more
than a floozy, good enough for Lucien to sleep with but not good enough
for him to marry? For that's precisely how people would think of me. I
remember the talk when Vixen was involved with Eric. It would have driven
me crazy, eventually. And honestly, I think I'm in more danger while
Angelique is still married to him, despite Lucien's belief to the
contrary. Think of the temptation to her, to know that all that stands
between her and being Lucien's only wife is me. Accidents have been known
to happen. She must have been terribly disappointed when I survived
Sand's attack. Or perhaps I'm being unkind. Still, the fact remains that
once Lucien divorces her, she gains nothing by killing me...well, except
for revenge. But while he's still married to her, if I die, she becomes
his wife, free and clear. Either way, it isn't a good situation. I just
hope I made the right choice. What else could I have done? The
alternative was to leave Chaos and never return, with or without Lucien.
And that would have been far more painful.
"Outrageous Fortune"
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