Session
126
Middlecourt, year 22, day 102 continued
There will be a ball in two day's time to celebrate Nicholas' return.
I'll have to see if any of the older children are interested in attending.
Lucien will go, of course, which means I will be there as well. Too many
people would jump to the wrong conclusions if I failed to attend. And I
am glad that Nicholas succeeded. I'm just not particularly looking
forward to another event in which I must wear one of those awful
corsets.
It was good to talk to Tamaryn again. With Vincent's illness, and my
relocation to Middlecourt, I haven't seen all that much of her recently.
She seems to be doing well, as are her children. She's quite excited
about the approaching wedding, although it doesn't sound like Felix has
actually set a specific date in spring for the event yet. It worries me
that he seems so reluctant in his approach to this marriage. What if he's
only doing this to avoid being married off to someone else? Gods, I hope
that's not the case. Tamaryn's wanted this for so long, and she deserves
to be happy. I'm still concerned about her safety, what with the odd
behavior I noticed in Irene last fall. Tamaryn still thinks I'm
exaggerating, unfortunately. I'm thankful that the party Irene wished to
throw in celebration of their engagement wound up getting postponed. I
don't trust her motives. Why would she want to celebrate the engagement
of a man she clearly feels abandoned her?
I wound up telling Tamaryn about the whole situation with Angelique.
I needed to talk to someone about it who is familiar with Chaos. Someone
other than Lucien. He gets very tense whenever I mention her, and I'd
rather not add to the stress he's under right now. Tamaryn warned me that
anyone trying to change the profession of House Vetch will be destroyed,
one way or another. Lucien's daughters only want him to return because
they believe he could bring the house back to its former glory. If he
doesn't appear to be doing that, they'd happily kill him. It makes me
cold all over just thinking about it. I can't let Lucien go back to
Chaos, knowing this. I just can't. I won't allow him to risk himself
that way. I'd rather stay here and take my chances with Angelique.
Tamaryn did point out something that should have occurred to me
before. I shouldn't be avoiding Amber completely, for if I allow
Angelique to drive me from my home, I'm losing ground to her. I told her
I'd bring the matter up with Lucien. If he feels it's safe for me to go
back there occasionally, then I will. I do need to spend more time
working on the hospital, after all. There's only so much I can do from
here.
Afternoon
As it turns out, I didn't need to ask Lucien about going to Amber, he
brought the matter up himself. Angelique has given her word as a Sawall
not to harm me or the children. Not that either of us intend to move the
children back to Amber as a result of this, but it should be safe for me
to go to Amber now. I find it troubling that Lucien didn't feel he could
ask Angelique to include him in her promise, though. He believes she will
kill him eventually. I can see it in his eyes, sometimes, and it makes me
want to scream. Part of me fears that if she tries, he won't stop her.
He feels so much guilt over everything he's done, he believes it's what he
deserves. It's times like these that I think he's almost as bad as I am.
And I'm finding that I don't like seeing him blaming himself any more than
he does me.
I find it interesting that Angelique had to specify that it was her
word as a Sawall. I suppose her word as a Vetch would not be trusted.
Which is ironic, given that Lucien places great stake in his own word. I
still marvel at how a man with so much pride and honor could bear to run a
house whose very nature is so dishonorable. I can't let him go back to
that. I won't. All of this may turn out to be moot, however, since
Angelique has apparently withdrawn her request for him to go back Chaos,
at least for the moment. She thinks more time is needed. I couldn't
agree more. Maybe with more time we can think of a way out of this mess.
I pray to the gods that this is true.
Amber
Gavin seems changed by his time in Chaos, and not in a good sense.
There is something profoundly disturbing about him now. Or perhaps I
should say there's something *more* profoundly disturbing about him. Ever
since I learned that he had a demon dwelling in his head, I've found him
disturbing. But he is worse now. What happened to him in Chaos to cause
this? Perhaps Ishmael will know. Whatever the reason, I think it would
be wise to avoid him entirely, right now.
I had hoped to talk to Whimsy about Edwin before she ran off and did
something rash, but it appears that I am too late for that. Whimsy has
already gone to Chaos in search of Edwin, and when I Trumped her she
sounded rather irritated that she did not find him there. She threatened
to burn down his entire House if he doesn't return soon. Hasn't there
been enough death and destruction recently? Why must innocent members of
Jesby suffer for what Edwin did? I did my best to change her mind, but
she would not budge. I tried Ishmael next, hoping that he would be
willing to talk to her. They did grow up together, after all. No such
luck. He directed me to Nicholas, so I've written Nicholas a note about
the situation. That's all I can do, really. If Whimsy does try to
destroy Jesby, it will become Nicholas' problem anyway. Best that he
knows about the danger now, when he might be able to stop it.
I wasn't terribly surprised that Angelique approached me while I was
in the city. I was half expecting her to, really. After her talk with
Lucien, she must have known I would return here. It was somewhat awkward
talking to her, though. I want to like her, or at least to give her a
chance without prejudging her. But it's very difficult to do so, knowing
that she may very well be planning to kill my husband, or take him away
from me. We mostly talked about our children, since they are one of the
few common points of interest that we have. Angelique mentioned that she
likes Amber because she feels safe here, and her daughter is safe. I find
that ironic, since my children are in Middlecourt because Lucien thinks
Amber isn't safe for them while Angelique is here. That, and it's been a
long time since I've felt safe in Amber, anyway. I suppose it's all a
matter of perspective, though. Compared to Chaos under Zane, I imagine
Amber feels quite safe indeed.
Angelique spoke little of Chaos, although she did claim that after
Nicholas' army invaded, many people were mysteriously released who were
thought assassinated. The implication was that they were political
enemies of Zane, and House Vetch had merely hidden them away for a while.
Why did she feel it was important for me to know this? To lull me into
thinking that the House really isn't all that bad? It will take more than
that to convince me. Whoever leads House Vetch now could simply have
realized that Zane would not be around forever, and decided it was in
their best interests to keep his enemies on ice, knowing they and their
houses would be suitably grateful when Zane was gone.
Angelique asked if we would let Anne-Marie meet her siblings. Part of
me doesn't want to. It can only complicate things. But it's not fair to
her to keep her isolated from her siblings, just because I don't trust her
mother and would rather Angelique never laid eyes on my children.
Besides, it wouldn't surprise me if Angelique already knows exactly what
they all look like, anyway. I said I'd talk to Lucien about it. If he
can't see any reason not to do it, then I guess it's all right. I intend
to be there for the whole thing, however.
It's funny how one simple question can cause you to doubt your
self-worth. I wonder if Angelique did that deliberately? She asked if I
knew what a lady does in Amber, and for the life of me, I couldn't think
of anything to tell her. It's not something I've ever thought about,
really. Obviously, Angelique has. Maybe she would make a better wife for
Lucien than I do. I keep telling myself that it's a foolish thought -
Lucien knew what I was like before we got married, after all. But I can't
stop thinking about it now. Does he wish I was more of a proper lady? Do
I embarrass him when we're at formal occasions? Maybe that's why he
always does his circulating at those events alone. Gods, if I feel this
way after only talking for a few minutes with Angelique, how will I feel
after we've spent an entire meal in each other's company? I had to accept
her dinner invitation, though. There was no polite reason to refuse her.
Eral, I hope I'm not making a mistake.
I really wasn't expecting to get a Trump call from Whimsy. The reason
for her call surprised me even more. Edwin is in Amber. What business
could he possibly have here? Rather than return to confront him, Whimsy
has asked me to inform him that if he doesn't return within three days,
she's going to burn down Jesbyways and everyone in it. I guess that means
Nicholas has yet to take any action on the matter. I don't know why she
chose me to pass along her message. Maybe she thought I'd understand the
reasons for her anger better than Ishmael would. And I do, but the idea
of threatening innocent people just doesn't sit well with me at all.
I found Edwin in the Hall of Mirrors, of all places. I recognized him
immediately from the picture that Whimsy had drawn of him. He looks so
harmless, it's hard to believe he did what he did to Whimsy. Then again,
even Brand was capable of looking harmless, and look at the evil he did.
I did my best to keep my expression neutral when I introduced myself and
passed along Whimsy's message, emphasizing that Whimsy doesn't intend to
kill him, she just wants a divorce. Given what happened the last time
Whimsy found someone she thought was Edwin, I thought he might need such
an assurance. Strangely, he said that he didn't go through this much to
lose Whimsy so easily, and made some comment about this moving up the
timetable for his meeting with the Emperor. Is Nicholas the reason he's
in Amber then? What is he hoping to accomplish? He cannot possibly think
Whimsy would want anything to do with him after what he put her
through.
Middlecourt
Evening
Lucien doesn't see any reason not to have Anne-Marie meet the
children, so it's all set for tomorrow afternoon in Amber. Angelique
seemed surprised when I told her of the arrangements. I don't think she
expected to be allowed to be present. I suppose that would be the wiser
course, but it doesn't seem right to expect her to entrust her child to my
care when I don't think I could do the same for her. I find myself
touched that she was willing to trust me to that extent, although there is
a nagging part of me that whispers that it could simply be another ploy.
I do hope the children behave tomorrow. I'm not worried about Jalana or
her sisters, but with the boys, it's hard to predict what they'll do.
Amber, year 22, day 103 (Wednesday, February 14, 0)
Afternoon
Well, I suppose that could have gone worse. Other than the squirt gun
incident with Morgan, things went relatively smoothly. Jalana, at least,
seems to really like Anne-Marie, but I had a feeling she would. Angelique
wasn't pleased that I offered Angelique a squirt gun of her own to defend
herself with, but Lucien says that's because a proper child of the Courts
doesn't do such things. If Anne-Marie is any example, I'm glad my
children aren't growing up there. Angelique couldn't have been too
horrified, though, or she wouldn't have made arrangements to have the
children spend time together again.
Evening
I was dreading the dinner with Angelique, but I actually think it went
rather well. We spent most of the meal talking about the children again,
and our differing views on raising them. I can understand why Angelique
might feel it's best for children to be taught proper behavior young,
rather than having freedom and then losing it, but I can't agree with her.
Childhood is a treasure precisely because of that freedom to play and run
and just be. To deprive a child of that is to rob them of something very
precious. I could never do that to my children. Despite this difference
of opinion, though, Angelique says she doesn't have any concerns about
exposing Anne-Marie to my children, so long as they don't swear around
her. I'll be very surprised, and disappointed, if they do. That's one
area of behavior on which Angelique and I are in agreement.
Angelique also inquired about Edwin and Whimsy, wanting to know what
there was between them. I guess news of Edwin's arrival in Amber has
gotten around. I didn't tell her the reason he was here, of course.
Whimsy is my friend, and I won't relate such a personal story about her.
If Angelique truly wishes an answer to her question, she'll have to speak
to the parties in question. At least she didn't seem offended by my
unwillingness to answer. I guess that's a good sign. She wants to meet
Tamaryn, though, and I must admit that set me on edge a bit. I suppose
I'm still nervous over Irene's unnatural interest in Tamaryn. Angelique
explained that she's heard that Tamaryn isn't like Lucien's other
daughters, and she wants to see if that's true. Apparently Lucien's
daughters in Chaos are the way Lucien used be, but worse, since they lack
his pride or sense of honor. No wonder Lucien never would let me meet
them. I said as much to Angelique, who admitted they probably would kill
me if the opportunity ever presented itself. How lovely. No wonder
Lucien is so nervous, lately.
Middlecourt
It's really strange to look at Lucien when he assumes my form. Rather
disconcerting, really. Although it was fun to watch his expression when
he began experiencing my emotions on things. And at least he finally
understands how worried I've been about Vincent. I just wish he didn't
have to actually become me before he could understand that. I was worried
that once he was in my form, he'd find out about my secret cooking
lessons, but that obviously wasn't the case. Just the opposite, in fact.
He actually had the nerve to tell me that I can't cook! But I'll have my
revenge. He left me the perfect opening to insist that I cook lunch for
him tomorrow, and I did my best to make him think it will be simply
dreadful. Heh. He looked so horrified when I insisted that I'd figure it
out eventually. I can't wait to see his reaction tomorrow.
Poor Jalana looked rather disturbed when she walked in and saw two of
me. I guess seeing her dad looking like her mom was a bit disconcerting.
Lucien didn't help matters by mimicking me exactly, so she couldn't tell
us apart. She took off rather quickly after that. She must get that
prudish streak from Lucien. It certainly didn't come from me. I probably
shouldn't have mentioned that to him, though. He cheats mercilessly in a
tickle fight.
There are times when I wish Lucien wasn't quite so...I don't know. I
guess sometimes I fear he loves me too much for his own good. He said he
will never be able to deny me something that makes me happy. It makes me
feel very loved to know that, but it makes me worry, too. What if I ask
something of him that makes me happy but not him? Would he tell me, or
would let me think it made him happy too? He said he thought he'd tell
me, but that leaves room for the chance that he won't. I hate the thought
of that. I don't want to make him unhappy. What if he really doesn't
want another child, and is just going along with this for my sake? I have
no way of knowing. All I can do is try to believe him when he says he
wants this. I'm trying to cut down on the number of things I worry about,
not add to them.
Speaking of which, I told Lucien what Angelique asked me yesterday
afternoon. When I said I realized I had no idea what a lady does in
Amber, he laughed for the longest time. Then he said he didn't think any
amount of schooling would turn me into a proper lady. I was rather upset
at that, until I realized that he obviously wasn't troubled at all by the
idea. If it doesn't bother him, then I guess it would be foolish for me
to let it bother me.
It's so odd to be lying here, knowing that a child could be starting
to form within me right this very minute. I've never deliberately set out
to conceive a child before. All of my pregnancies have been surprises. I
wonder if I'll feel anything when it happens? It's a silly thought, I
know. If anything could be felt, surely I would have noticed before. But
I find myself listening for something, just the same.
"Outrageous Fortune"
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Last modified on December 10, 1998 by Kris Fazzari.