Session
123
Amber, year 21, day 301 (Thursday, August 31, 2994)
Morning
I wasn't expecting Whimsy to try to persuade me not to go to
Chaos. Lucien, yes, and it surprised me when he didn't. It was the lack
of any attempt on his part to change my mind, in fact, that had convinced
me I was right to go. At least until now. He is so terribly
overprotective of me, that I can't see him letting me go without a fight
if he thought I would be placing my life greatly at risk. I recall all
too well the arguments we had when I wished to go to Faerie in my efforts
to rescue Nicholas and the others. And yet in this case, he has offered
no argument whatsoever. He even said my chances of surviving a war in
Chaos are very good. If I believed otherwise, I'd never risk leaving the
children without a mother, not at such a young age. How could Whimsy
think I would do otherwise? And yet... I have been in enough wars to
know that there are no guarantees. Plenty of good fighters have been
brought down unexpectedly. When Chaos invaded Amber, Lord Hendrake would
have killed me if Shard hadn't interfered. Lucien doesn't think anyone of
his caliber will want to involve themselves in this war, but he could be
wrong. Damn Whimsy for unsettling what I had finally managed to settle in
my mind! I doubt she's doing this out of concern for my children. She
doesn't even like children. She's made that obvious since the day I met
her. She only wants me to stay so I can help her when Eric makes a try
for the throne. Personally, I think Nicholas is a fool if he leaves Eric
behind at all. Better to take Eric with him and leave Gérard as
Regent. Unless he's intentionally giving Eric enough rope to hang himself
with... If so, he's taking an awful risk. I still don't know why Whimsy
is convinced that I could be of any help to her with this. I'm not any
good at the kind of intrigue the family dabbles in. I never have been.
I'd do more good in Chaos, making sure nothing happens to Nicholas. And
killing that bastard, Hector Eireg. I want to see him suffer so badly...
But is it worth the risk to the children? Can I take the chance, no
matter how small, that they may lose their mother before they're grown?
Gods, whether I stay or I go, I feel like I'm doing something wrong.
At least I can put my worries about Grayson aside for now. Whimsy
has already talked to Nicholas, and gotten Grayson an extension until the
coronation. I've offered him any other assistance I can provide, but
until he takes me up on it, there's nothing else I can do. He probably
won't ask for any help from me at all. He seems to be turning to Whimsy,
instead. She walked the Pattern herself last night, giving up her own
magic to free herself from Jack. If she was willing to do that, perhaps
Grayson will follow her example and do the same. Still, it hurts to know
that he won't talk to me about his situation, but he'll talk to Whimsy.
He'll learn conjuration from her, but not from me. I even invited him to
come with us this afternoon, in hopes that he could get to know his
siblings, but he declined. I know he needs time, and I should be patient,
but it is difficult to remember that, sometimes.
I wonder if Whimsy realizes that walking the Pattern has likely
fixed the defect she had that made sex and pregnancy so dangerous for her?
Surely Fiona must have mentioned that to her at some point. Then again,
maybe not, but it's not something I can bring up in casual conversation.
It will be interesting to see if being able to have more children of her
own, if she wishes, will make her less bitter about children in general.
Ishmael has somehow made Lavender's acquaintance. They should get
along splendidly. She and Ahab always did. I tried to say hello, but she
didn't stick around for any conversation. I guess she's still avoiding
anyone she can't remember, or barely remembers, like me. She always did
try to solve her problems through avoidance and denial. If she was in
Amber, maybe I could try to reestablish our friendship, to get past that
wall she puts up. But while she's in Foil that's simply impossible. I
can't spend the time away from my family to make the effort required.
Gods that sounds cold, even if it's the truth. I feel like I'm letting a
friendship I valued just slip away, but she's not making any effort to
reconnect with me, either. And if she doesn't at least try, I'm not sure
anything I do will make a difference, anyway.
Afternoon
I enjoyed our picnic immensely, even if I did have to be careful
not to use that word too often around the boys. They object to the
strangest things. It was wonderful to see the children having so much
fun. Well, except for Briana's unexpected introduction to shapeshifting.
Even that didn't phase her for long. I'm going to have to keep an eye on
her, lest she decide to start terrorizing her tutors. Given that she just
got ungrounded, the consequences of doing so ought to be fresh in her
mind, but you never know.
Ishmael is such an ass! How dare he blithely assume I won't be
going to Chaos! It's none of his business, one way or the other. I was
leaning towards not going, but now... If I don't go, I confirm his
opinion that as a woman I should stay behind. And that's the last thing I
want to do. Gods, he's known all along that I intended to go with
Nicholas. I said as much several times while we were guarding Ygg.
Nothing's changed between then and now, so why is he suddenly giving me
this chauvinistic attitude? I'd love to wipe that superior look off of
his face, right now. I suppose I'll just have console myself with
imagining his expression tonight. Whimsy has such an evil mind when it
comes to getting back at someone. And she has more cause to punish
Ishmael than I. By threatening to refuse to retrieve the headstone of her
only child in order to force her to reveal who she was engaged to, he has
sunken to depths I hadn't expected from him.
I don't understand my children, sometimes. First it was Shannon
and horses, now it's Jalana and edged weapons. I finally had her try
using a staff, instead, and at least she's willing to use one without
flinching or dropping it. She still isn't fond of it, though. I hate
making her do this when I know she dislikes it, but how can I in good
conscience let her grow up without being able to defend herself in some
way? I just wish I could find a means that didn't disconcert her so.
Well, I've narrowed the possible hospital sites down to two, I've
found some potential staff, I have a good idea of what I need to get in
Shadow, and I've gotten Felix to agree to lend his assistance, from time
to time. Not bad for an afternoon's work. Plus, I've been able to feel
people out about the idea of a hospital, and so far the reaction has been
positive. It's odd that no one's ever thought of doing something like
this before. Maybe no one's ever had both the time and the interest.
Felix was right when he said this could easily suck up as much of my time
as I'm willing to put into it, and then some.
Damn Ishmael! What right did he have to use my children against
me in this manner? To frighten them so much? Whether I went to Chaos or
not was none of his concern. This was my choice to make. Only now I am
denied the chance to make it. Damn him! How could he do this to them?
To me? To risk that I would insist on going, and thus hurt them greatly?
I want nothing more than to grind him into paste right now. He has no
right to interfere in my family. He doesn't even have any children of his
own. What makes him the authority on what I should and shouldn't do where
mine are concerned?
It was sweet of Lucien to offer to assume my form and go to Chaos
in my place. I was tempted to take him up on it, but I don't want him to
leave. It's one thing to be apart when I'd at least be busy fighting
Chaosites, but it's another when I'd be stuck here in Amber all alone.
And it doesn't feel right to have someone else take my vengeance for me,
especially while pretending to be me. I know it's not the same as asking
Lucien to kill someone for me, but it's too close to that for me to feel
comfortable with it. Besides, if what Whimsy told me about Eric is true,
I'd rather have Lucien here. Political maneuvering is much more his arena
than mine.
Evening
Gavin didn't set off my ring at dinner tonight. Does this mean
that he's found a way to rid himself of the demon in his head? Or has he
just found a way to mask its presence? Until I know which, I shan't feel
comfortable around him, no matter what my ring says. Maybe he can ask
Whimsy to teach him conjuration along with Grayson.
I don't know what I was expecting. An apology, perhaps. No, for
Ishmael to apologize, he'd have to realize that what he did was wrong, and
he's far too thick-headed to ever realize that. But he didn't even show
the slightest bit of remorse. Twice today I've seen him use someone's
children to get them to do what he wants, and that disturbs me to no end.
How can I continue to allow him to teach my children, to influence them,
when he doesn't even understand why he was wrong to use them? Eral only
knows what other bad habits they could pick up from him.
Vincent is taking my order to stay away from Ishmael the hardest.
He goes on about not being a child anymore, and being able to make
decisions on his own, then he storms off and disappears out of his room.
How very mature. At least he didn't go to Ishmael, as I feared he would.
I can't believe Ishmael actually had the gall to ask Vincent to draw him a
Trump, after all the trouble he's caused today. I wish I could make
Vincent see that Ishmael is still using him. It's not like Ishmael can't
draw his own damned Trump. I really wish I could believe Vincent when he
says that he's not a child anymore, but it was less than a month ago that
he and his brothers walked the Pattern at the urgings of a five-year-old.
Perhaps he's forgotten that, but I certainly haven't.
Amber, year 21, day 302 (Friday, September 1, 2994)
Morning
I have done a terrible thing. Because of me, Ishmael was bitten
by Shard. I was angry at him, yes, but all I really wanted was for him to
see that what he did was wrong. I didn't want to hurt him. At least not
in this manner. Why did Shard have to bite him? Just because he wanted
to see me naked? I had hoped that perhaps Shard's feelings for me had
changed, but it's obvious now that they haven't. It seems that Lucien was
right about Shard's level of control. If Shard could not prevent himself
from biting Ishmael in anger, then his control is not as great as he
claims. I don't know what to do. Obviously I must speak to Shard, but
that won't undo what happened last night. I can't tell Ishmael what
happened. What could I say? "I'm sorry, Ishmael, I was so angry at you
that I asked my vampire friend to give you nightmares? How was I supposed
to know he'd bite you?" What if he goes after Shard? One of them could
be hurt, or killed. Not to mention the trouble Shard could get into if it
was known that he'd bitten a family member. I can't do that to him when
he was only trying to help me.
I'd almost forgotten about our plan of vengeance against Ishmael
until Whimsy told me she was calling it off. I offered no objection. How
could I? What I caused to happen to him, however unintentionally, is far
worse than our childish little plan. Still, I wonder what happened to
change her mind about it?
Shadow Earth
There is no body in my father's grave. I think I was
half-expecting this to be the case, ever since I began to suspect he was
actually a Chaosite. Why else would I have checked? But the reality is
hitting me harder than I had expected. He's alive, or at least he was
alive when I was born. What happened to him? Where did he go? Why
hasn't he ever tried to contact me? Surely he must know I exist. Mother
was nearly full-term when she shot him. Wasn't he even curious to see
what happened to me?
Afternoon
I have been unable to turn up any useful information on my father
here. Too much time has passed. Gods, I wish talking bones still worked.
Then I could at least replay the events that took place here. Why didn't
I come here before Ygg was destroyed? Well, I did, come to think about
it. Right before Nicholas placed me under house arrest. I didn't have
time to do more than reach here before he ordered me back to Amber. What
might I have found if he'd waited another hour?
At least I've been able to find the materials I needed here.
Hopefully they will be enough to sustain things for a while, once get them
all organized and sold off. If nothing else, it will keep me busy, and
right now that's what I want.
Amber
Evening
Whimsy's high on something, and I suspect Jack is responsible.
The flowers that are causing the reaction are from Faerie, after all. I
guess he's miffed at her for breaking off their engagement. I'm worried
about her, though. The way she's acting right now, Eral only knows what
she'll do. If only I could dispel the toxin, the way I did with the
girls. But somehow I doubt Whimsy will permit me to do this in her
current state. There must be some way to get through to her...
Shard appeared in daylight. I still cannot believe it. I pray
that he's all right. I couldn't bear it if he hurt himself trying to
protect me. Gods, I didn't think it was possible for him to withstand the
sun for any length of time. It can't have been easy for him. What was he
doing up there before sunset, anyway? I've got to talk to him. But
first, I've got to get all of this oil off of my body. Damn Whimsy. I
suppose it could have been worse, though. Next time, I'm going to leave
Whimsy to Fiona from the start. I can't fight her when I'm not willing to
hurt her, and she's willing to hurt me.
Why does Lucien overreact so much to these things? I never should
have mentioned my father to him at all. What am I supposed to do, pretend
the fact that he also abandoned me doesn't hurt just a little? I know he
wasn't a good man. What he did to Mother is more than sufficient to prove
that. But even so, there's a part of me that still aches to think that he
didn't want me. I thought I could admit that much. Obviously, I was
wrong. Why would Lucien understand? He hated his father. Still, it
would be nice if he'd at least tried.
It's funny how talking to Shard about my problems can make me feel
so much better about them, sometimes. I've been feeling guilty about what
happened to Ishmael all day, but I couldn't talk about it with anyone. I
suppose that was part of why other things were upsetting me so much. I
still wish Shard hadn't bitten Ishmael, but I understand now that it
wasn't anything I had any control over. Besides, I know better than most
that it's not the first bite that's the serious one. I've been bitten
twice and I survived. As soon as Ishmael walks the Pattern, the effects
will go away. Which has to be soon. I can't imagine that Nicholas will
allow Ishmael to go to Chaos without first walking the Pattern.
I feel better about tonight's fight with Lucien, too. Well, not
better, but less upset with myself. I refuse to feel guilty for feeling
sad about my father. The irony is that what really upset me was Lucien
getting upset with me about how I was feeling. He just made things worse.
Why can't he see that? He acts like I never even left for Ygg at all.
Like five years haven't passed for me. There must be some way to make him
see that.
Amber, year 21, day 303 (Saturday, September 2, 2994)
Morning
He didn't even look at me while I was talking to him. He couldn't
even be bothered. He just sat there with his eyes closed while I tried to
explain how I feel about everything that's been happening. And then he
just said, "Fine," like I was boring him. Well fine, indeed. If what he
wants is to be left alone, then that's what he shall get. I tried. Eral
knows why I bothered. I'm tired of trying to get through to him. I just
want him to leave me alone.
Evening
I was tempted to just remain in town for the entire day, and spend
the night in town. But that wouldn't have been fair to the children. My
absence for the day I can easily excuse. I was working on the hospital,
after all. But if I missed dinner, and then didn't return before they
went to bed, they might worry. At least I know Jalana would. I'm not so
sure about her brothers. They were being awfully polite at dinner,
though. I think their father had a talk with them. He makes it rather
difficult to stay angry at him, sometimes. Every time he really pisses me
off, he does something nice like this. We still need to talk, though.
The question is, will he listen this time?
Jalana is awfully perceptive for a 12-year-old. I'm not sure when
Lucien and I would have talked, if she hadn't left us alone. It's ironic.
I was upset with Lucien for acting like I hadn't been gone for five years,
which is pretty much why he was upset with me. I still think I've been
doing better since I returned than I was before I left. Eral knows, the
situation with Sand's ghost alone would have shook me for far longer than
it did. He did acknowledge that events seem to be conspiring against me
since I got back. I've given him my letters from Ygg to read. I know
that I originally decided not to show them to him, but I think they might
help show that I'm not the same as when I left. Maybe I'm still not as
much like my old self as he would have liked, but some things take more
than five years to get over.
"Outrageous Fortune"
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