Session
121
Amber, year 21, day 299 (Tuesday, August 29, 2994)
Morning
It's good to be home. I've missed it so. The children laughing,
Lucien's smile... I've never felt so giddy in my life. I'm just so happy
to see everyone. You never understand what you have until you lose it for
a while.
I still can't believe that Vixen would do such a thing. I had
hoped that having a child would change her, but it seems I was wrong. How
could she kill an innocent child after bearing one of her own? Gods, I
feel like such a fool. I thought that perhaps my friendship could change
her, could show her that there are other ways besides assassination.
Obviously, I was wrong. Was she ever really my friend, or was she just
using me all along?
And the bad news continues. Jack is back in Amber, courtesy of
Grayson. It is as I feared. It was hard enough to rid ourselves of him
the first time. How are we going to do it again? Whimsy has some sort of
plan to lure him out at the ball. I wish I had her confidence that we
will succeed. How do you fight an avatar in full possession of his power?
I do not think it will be as easy as Whimsy thinks it will, but we have to
try. Damn it, Grayson, why didn't you listen to me?
I had a feeling the news about Vixen wouldn't surprise Lucien. I
wish he'd told me what she was before now. Maybe then I wouldn't have
fooled myself into thinking that she could change. I'm flattered that he
thinks I had a chance of succeeding, but still... Maybe if he'd told me
sooner, I wouldn't feel so betrayed.
Whimsy thinks Grayson may decide to stay in Avalon. I suppose it
probably would be for the best. Certainly, his continued presence in
Amber is likely to cause me more pain. But how can I get to know my son
if I never see him? And I'm not likely to see him much in Avalon, if what
Lucien says is true. I don't understand how they can be offended by
Brand's punishment after what he did to them. They suffered heavy losses
during the invasion by Chaos, including the deaths of two of Ona's
children. Zane would never have known of Avalon if Brand had not told him
of it. And they think he was punished unfairly? His suffering can never
even come close to that of his victims.
Afternoon
Lucien says he managed to talk to Jalana while I was gone, and it
seems to have helped, although she's still rather quiet. Not depressed or
upset anymore, though, just thoughtful. I suppose that's to be expected.
Lucien thinks she'll be all right, and from what I've observed, I agree.
I just wish she'd tell me what she's thinking. And I wish I knew what she
told Lucien when they talked. I keep wondering if she's still bothered by
the fact that I stopped wearing my wedding ring briefly while he was gone.
If she is, she might have told him about it. Naturally, I can't tell if
she did from anything he's said. I'm not even sure it would bother him
now. It has been five years. I just wish I knew if he knew or not.
Thankfully, Lucien has explained to the rest of the children about
Grayson. I've been dreading having to do that, a fact I'm sure he was
aware of. I'm not sure I could have kept the proper tone while explaining
it, for one thing. I obviously didn't do a real good job with Jalana. He
managed to tell them the truth, but in such a way that the focus was more
on Grayson being stolen by faeries and growing up in Chaos, not how he was
conceived. I anticipate Grayson being asked a lot of curious questions as
a result, but it's better than the alternative.
Evening
I do wish the confirmation ball had been some other night. The
last thing I want to do with my first night home in five years is spend it
away from my children, stuck inside of a straight jacket. Which is what
this damn corset feels like. Thank the gods that Amber rarely has
occasions this formal. How am I supposed to fight if need be when I can
barely breathe? Lucien is no help at all. A test of my shapeshifting
abilities, indeed! I'm a bit out of practice, dear. I haven't had a
teacher in five years. Well, at least I'll have Morglyph, if Jack decides
to cause trouble. I doubt it will stop him, but at least it will keep him
away from me. Guaranteeing that is worth enduring Lucien's disapproval of
my wearing a sword to the ball.
Jalana is so disappointed that she can't come with us tonight.
Part of me wishes she could, but it's probably for the best. If Jack
pulls anything tonight, I'd rather she was far away from it. I did offer
to let her Trump me and watch the festivities through my eyes for a while,
and that seemed to satisfy her. Ah, to be young enough to regard this
sort of thing as exciting, rather than the chore that it is. Although, to
be honest, I might be looking forward to it more if it wasn't for the
presentations that will be taking place. Will Grayson be one of them?
And if so, who will he claim as his parent? Brand? Myself? Both of us?
I don't think I could bear to see him acknowledged as Brand's child and
not mine. But what right do I have to ask him to deny his father? I
can't do that. He could acknowledge us both, of course. Eral only knows
what the reaction of the nobles would be to that, though. Amber does not
have the most enlightened attitude when it comes to rape. I keep
remembering how Random reacted when he first learned who Grayson's father
was. At least he understood when I explained the circumstances behind it,
but it was horribly uncomfortable. And that was just one person. How can
I even hope to explain what happened to all the nobles in Amber?
I almost didn't recognize Whimsy when she arrived. She looks so
different. Like another person. I'd like to believe that she decided to
dress up for the occasion, but I fear I know better. I think she's
attempting to make herself attractive to Jack, in order to lure him to
her. If so, she's playing with fire, and it worries me. I know better
than most how difficult it is to outwit Jack.
Jack has stolen Grayson's voice. Obviously, this is to prevent
Grayson from revoking his invitation to Amber. I should have expected him
to do something like this. It is cleverly done, and I can't see a way
around it. Without his voice, Grayson can't order Jack to leave, and Jack
is the only one powerful enough to remove the curse. Unless Grayson walks
the Pattern, but after what happened to Nimue, I'm afraid to try that as
anything other than a last resort. At least this should prove to Grayson
that Jack is not the friend he has made himself out to be. If the matter
wasn't so serious, I'd think it was good for Grayson to suffer for a while
with the consequences of his actions. Maybe next time I warn him not to
do something, he'll pay more attention.
Whimsy succeeded in drawing Jack to her, but that is the only part
of her plan that worked. As soon as Jack spotted Ishmael pushing towards
them, he dropped through the floor with Whimsy, leaving several of her
items behind. I wonder how Jack managed that? I tried to trace them, but
this is Jack, after all. I faired no better than I did when he left for
Avalon with Grayson. There is nothing but solid rock beneath us, assuming
they're even still in Amber. They could have gone anywhere through the
'Tween by now. Gods, this is so frustrating. How can we fight power on
the level of Jack's?
The evening continues to be one disaster after another. Grayson
lied to me about how he got to Avalon, told me that his mother is dead,
and now plans to be announced as Brand's son. Brand's. Not mine. I
can't stay here. I can't bear to watch him presented to the world as if
he had no part of me. Am I supposed to pretend that I don't know him?
Deny that he is my child? How can I do that? I can't stay and witness
this. I just can't. Gods, how horrible a person must I seem to make him
choose Brand over me?
Whimsy has returned, apparently intact. I want very badly to know
where she's been and what happened to her, but I can hardly ask her here.
She did say that she couldn't find Grayson's voice. To be honest, I'd be
surprised if she had. I just can't see Jack making things that easy.
Lucien thinks I should talk to Grayson again. He claims that
Grayson takes more after me than Brand, and that maybe I misinterpreted
his reasons for choosing Brand over me. Could Grayson possibly think this
is protecting me, somehow? If there's a chance I can change his mind, I
have to try. But he is seated too far for me to talk privately with him
now. And this is not something I wish to shout across the table. I find
myself impatient for the meal to end.
Jack continues to taunt me, letting me see that he is here while
blocking his presence from others. He's hoping to goad me into doing
something rash. I am restraining myself, but it is hard. I know that he
would be gone before I got there, that I can't hurt him now, but still it
is so tempting... Had I not had five years to distance myself from what
he did to me, I'm not sure I would be able to hold back. What I wouldn't
give for a chance to swing Morglyph at his neck...
I've caught Grayson watching me several times during the meal.
Usually when I've been talking about the children. It gives me hope that
maybe Lucien is right. At least it indicates that he doesn't dislike me
as much as he pretends.
Ishmael is really outdoing himself tonight. Not that Whimsy is
doing much better, but she didn't lick anyone at the dinner table. I'm
thankful the children didn't attend this dinner. It's hard enough to
enforce proper behavior at the dinner table without them picking up on
Ishmael's habits. What's gotten into him tonight? He seems to have
fixated on Alexandra, but if he's trying to get her to sleep with him,
he's going about it the wrong way.
I think it is just barely possible that I may have convinced
Grayson to acknowledge me as his mother. He didn't say for sure, but he
left me to speak with Nicholas, and why else would he do that? Gods, I
hope I'm right. I have to stay now. I have to know... Will he
acknowledge Brand as well, or just me? It no longer matters as much as it
did. So long as he acknowledges me.
It's over, and Grayson is officially my son. No mention of Brand
was made. I feel such a sense of relief. If it wasn't for Jack, I might
actually be able to enjoy the rest of this evening. There was one odd
thing, though. Ronan was supposed to be presented tonight as well, but
there's no sign of him. Is he off on some mission for Nicholas? Or has
something happened to him? Eric's looked to be in a foul mood all night,
but that could just be due to Vixen's disappearance. Or him finally
realizing that she was just using him.
All right, I'm enjoying myself anyway. It's good to dance with
Lucien again. I haven't danced with him in a long time. I haven't done
several things with him in a long time. Gods, why did this ball have to
be tonight?
My conversations with Gavin are starting to be remarkably
repetitive. He danced with me, I suspect mostly so he could have me as a
captive audience while he pressed me on when his next conjuration lesson
would be. He's awfully impatient. It's almost as though he expects me to
back out. Which causes me to wonder why he would think such a thing.
Maybe he's afraid I'll threaten to withhold the lessons until he
investigates his feline companion. I've been tempted, but somehow I doubt
that would sway him. It would probably just make him more intractable.
At least I seem to have instilled some small amount of doubt in him. It
isn't much, but it's a start.
Whimsy has gotten Mother drunk. As if the evening wasn't already
exciting enough. Why does Whimsy do these things? Fortunately, Mother
didn't do anything more serious than throw up on someone over the balcony
before she passed out. I'm worried about what she intended to do with
that torch, however. Gods, it's like watching a small child.
Jalana enjoyed her brief glimpse of the ball, so much so that she
wants to be there for Nicholas' coronation. I'm hoping that she can. I
wonder if she or her siblings realize that Nicholas is their childhood
playmate? So far, they've given no sign of it, but it's bound to happen
eventually.
Foster's attraction to me appears undiminished, judging by the
flush he developed as we danced. I was hoping that by now he'd have come
to terms with that. Although I guess it hasn't been that long for him.
Driscoll was kind enough to rescue him, by dancing with me instead. My
heart goes out to the poor man. He's obviously suffering terribly. At
least he still has Foster, in a sense, but I'm beginning to fear that
Lavender is lost to him. There's been no sign of her at the ball tonight.
I wish there was something I could do to help him. He was one of the only
people who comforted me when I was so unhappy.
Felix has yet to set a date for his wedding to Tamaryn. It makes
me a bit uneasy. Maybe Ishmael was right. If he is so reluctant to
marry, is this wedding really a good idea?
Amber, year 21, day 300 (Wednesday, August 30, 2994)
Early morning
I found Vincent in the midst of a nightmare when we got home,
which wouldn't disturb me so much if Morgan hadn't mumbled that he's been
suffering from nightmares for a week or so. Naturally, none of them saw
fit to mention this to us. What could be troubling him so much that it
haunts his dreams every night? He doesn't remember what he was dreaming
of, so there's no help there. Maybe it's a reflection of the stress I was
suffering before I left? I was doing my best to hide it, but if Jalana
noticed, Vincent might have as well. I think I'll sit with him for a
while, in case the nightmares return.
Morning
When I woke up in bed, I hoped for a moment that had all just been
a horrible dream. A nightmare. But I know it wasn't. I feel utterly
paralyzed. I don't know what to do anymore. How do I protect my children
from someone who's supposed to be dead? How can she be doing this? Oh
Vincent, I'm terrified about what she wants to do to you. What are the
nightmares that she's sending you? And why? I fear that answer most of
all. And there's nothing I can do to protect you. Just like I couldn't
protect Grayson from Jack. I'm so terribly frightened. Please, gods,
I've already lost one child. I can't bear to lose another.
He's drawn another picture of her, in scarcely half the time
allotted for his class with Ishmael. Why her? Of all the people he
knows, why is he focusing on her? Even Fiona seems impressed by what he's
done. So impressed, that she's offered to teach him. I'm uneasy about
trusting my child with her, but what choice do I have? If anyone can
figure out why he's suddenly drawing Trumps of his dead mother that
actually connect to him, it's Fiona. I just don't understand. Fiona
confirmed that Sand is dead, but if she isn't behind this, then what is?
Why would he be drawing Trumps of her and giving himself nightmares?
Talking with Lucien has helped me relax a bit. Stick figure
Trumps, indeed. Just the image of such a thing is enough to make me
laugh. Well, that wasn't the only thing that relaxed me, even if it was
later than I planned. I wasn't expecting to sleep through the entire
night, after all. Then again, I wasn't expecting to find that Trump of
Sand beneath Vincent's pillow, either. I understand why Lucien used a
sleep spell on me last night, though. Eral knows, once I woke up from my
faint, I doubt I would have been able to sleep at all, for all my worry.
I still can't believe I fainted. It's so embarrassing. This is why I
hate wearing a corset.
Lucien must know something about who my father is. Why else would
he be so evasive about it? Gods, he is so overprotective, sometimes.
What does he think he's protecting me from, anyway? I already know my
father was an alcoholic and a wife beater. How much worse could it get?
Was he a mass-murderer, too? The not knowing is worse than the knowing.
When I don't know, my mind makes up all sorts of horrible details, that
are far worse than any likely reality. I wish I could make him understand
that. The sad part is, I can't even get properly angry at him for it.
I'm too happy to be back, right now. And I think I understand what drives
him to be this way with me. He lost me once, and he spent millennia
blaming himself for that. Now that we have a second chance together...
Would I act any different if our positions were reversed? I'd like to
think yes, but my heart suspects otherwise. I would have hidden what
occurred between Shard and I from him, if I hadn't feared he might learn
it elsewhere. Or that he might already know and be hurt more by my
concealing it from him. And I've hidden the true extent of how much he
hurt me after I lost Grayson. Of how close I came to leaving him. Only
Jalana knows that I stopped wearing my wedding ring while he was gone, and
even she doesn't know for how long. I hid this from him because I knew it
would hurt him. In the end, is that really all that different from what
he does with me? Yes, in one small way. I will not lie to him about it,
should he ask. I wish I could be sure of at least that much from him. I
can handle his refusal to tell me certain things, but I can't handle him
lying about them. Because then I can't trust anything he says to me, and
that hurts me most of all.
The good news is that Random doesn't think I'll have any trouble
getting approval for my hospital project. The bad news is that there
isn't likely to be any funding available until after Nicholas invades
Chaos. I'll have to rely on my own funds, and what I can import from
Shadow, until then. I could simply wait until after the invasion, I know,
but I think it's important to have at least a permanent infirmary in place
by then. If we do invade Chaos, there will be wounded, after all.
The more I learn about Ronan's disappearance, the more it troubles
me. Random says that Iseult reported him missing yesterday. Which is
about the same time that Vixen clocked Whimsy and disappeared. I'd like
to believe this is a coincidence, but... If she was planning to kill one
of Eric's children, why would she leave the other alive? Gods, I hope I'm
wrong about this. I liked Ronan. He was a good man, and his heart was in
the right place, even if some of his ideas weren't very well thought out.
And he was the only person who felt the same way I did about getting
Nicholas back. He deserves better than to have his throat slit by a
power-mad assassin. No wonder Eric looked so pissed at dinner last night.
I hope Eric and Iseult are able to find him alive. I feel like I should
be doing something to help, but what? I wouldn't know where to begin on
my own, and those who are searching for him haven't asked for my help.
All I can do is be ready to provide it, should they ask. And pray that
he's still alive.
"Outrageous Fortune"
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Last modified on February 20, 1998 by Kris Fazzari.