Session
120
Amber, year 16, day 312 continued
It's always such a relief to talk to Vialle. I should have done
it long ago. Why is it that when I get depressed, I feel that there is no
one who can possibly help me? She agrees that Grayson needs time to
adjust, but most importantly, she's willing to talk to him. Maybe she can
provide him with the reassurance that I cannot. I can think of no one
better.
Lucien is far more relaxed about my possible departure than I. I
suppose it makes sense. I'll be gone only a few days, for him. Assuming
nothing goes wrong, that is. After what happened to Lavender and
Foster... Not that Lucien acts concerned, of course. If he hadn't said
he'll be worried for my safety, I never would have suspected it. Why is
it that he's dreadfully overprotective when I don't wish him to be, and
not concerned at all when I wish he was?
I hope he's right about the time away doing me good. Part of me
is afraid that I'll return with no more to show for my efforts than five
years away from my family... Gods, I don't want to think about that.
Five years... How am I going to make it? How did Lucien manage it in
Faerie? He keeps saying that it wasn't that long, but how can it not be?
What if I can't handle it? It's not like I can just give up and come home
early. Gods, I hope I'm doing the right thing. What if being alone just
serves to drive me crazy? It runs in my family, after all. My
grandmother killed herself, and Mother... Oh, Mother, I know I have no
right to complain about what Brand did to me, when he did so much worse to
you. I wish I could help you. I wish you weren't beginning to lose your
hold on sanity again. What little hold you have on it. I just want a
chance to speak to you again, the real you. The one I glimpsed so
briefly, that time after you learned you were pregnant. The only time you
actually remembered giving me away. The only time I felt you loved me.
For a few minutes, I was your daughter, not just someone you tolerate
because you've been told we're related. You wouldn't think I could miss
something so much that was so briefly experienced...
Gods, why am I doing this to myself now? Mother will be no
different when I return than she is now. So why am I worrying about it?
Maybe it's the stress of knowing how hard this trip will be. Or maybe it
just hasn't completely sunk in yet. I'm so focused on how much time I'll
be passing, I have to keep reminding myself that no one here will even
really notice that I'm gone. Part of me wonders if that isn't why Lucien
is so willing to let me go. Rather than seeing me like this for months,
which I know drives him crazy, he gets me back to normal in a matter of
days. Assuming I do return to normal. I wish he was coming with me. But
maybe it's best that he doesn't. So long as he is around, I'm afraid that
I'll say or do something to anger him, and I can't just keep hiding how I
feel. Especially since he sees through it and gets upset anyway. Maybe
being left alone will help me heal. It didn't before, when I fled to
Shadow, but that was only a few months. And I was too upset about what
he'd done to me then. Maybe now, with more time, things will be
different. I pray they will. Lucien isn't the only one who misses me. I
miss myself. The person I used to be. I wonder sometimes if I'll ever
feel that free again.
At least I'll have Lucien's stone to help get through the
loneliness. I almost didn't ask. Ever since I gave him his, I've been
hoping that he would give me one in return. I wanted him to give me one
for the reasons I gave him mine. It didn't feel right to ask for it. But
the thought of spending five years without some part of him with me was
more than I could bear. He seemed surprised by my request, but happy to
grant it. I suppose I should have just asked years ago. Still, male
insensitivity or not, I wish I hadn't had to.
Teljlis
Fortunately, things are running faster here, so Lucien will be
able to make his stone before I have to leave. He's even suggested we
stay and extra day or two, a suggestion I readily agreed to. I need the
extra time to get used to the idea of leaving. To say goodbye. It feels
like we're forever leaving one another. I know that isn't true, but right
now all I can think about is all the times we've been apart from each
other. Gods, I'm going to be a basket case when it comes time to leave.
Teljlis, year 16, day 314
In retrospect, I suppose it was a foolish idea. I mean, even if
we are attacked, there will be too many of us for someone to do to us what
Brand did to Lavender and Foster. But still, I'd feel better if I had
been able to back up my memories, somehow. I still could, of course, but
the chip wouldn't survive for very long in Amber, and I won't risk leaving
it here in Shadow, where anyone could find it and rifle through it. The
risk of that is worse than the risk that I will wind up bereft of my
memories. There are some events that I wouldn't mind forgetting, anyway.
Amber, year 16, day 315 (Saturday, August 26, 2994)
Morning
It feels strange to be back in Amber again, knowing that we've
scarcely been gone. I have to keep reminding myself of what day it is, of
what I need to do before I leave. How much worse will it be to return
after five years? I've returned after a long absence before, when we came
back from Bedlam, but then I had been with my immediate family. Now I
will have five years to forget things about them, things I need to
remember. Maybe I should make a list of what I need to recall before I
go. That should make it less likely that I forget something vital.
Afternoon
I wanted to spend the rest of the day with the children, since I
won't be seeing them for a while. That's proving difficult right now,
since the boys are with Ishmael for their drawing lessons, and Grayson has
asked to draw a picture of Jalana. I could hardly say no to Grayson's
request. I'm too grateful that he's bonding with someone, even if it
isn't me. And what excuse could I give? I've only told the children that
I'll be gone for a few days. If they knew it would be longer for me, they
might want to know why, and I don't want to worry them. They know what
happened to the last group that tried to regrow Ygg, after all. I have
put enough stress on them lately, especially Jalana. I'd rather she
didn't spend the next two days fearing that I might not return.
Well, that's the last of the things I need to resolve before I
leave. Grayson finally has his own money, so he no longer needs to come
to me. It seemed ridiculous for a grown man to need to ask his mother for
money, and I'm sure it wasn't comfortable for him, either. This much, at
least, I can do for him. With Lucien appraised of the children's new
tutors, I can think of nothing else outstanding that I must deal with.
We've decided to have the children begin their lessons tomorrow, after I
depart. I confess, I do not mind the prospect of being absent when the
boys learn this news.
Gavin stopped by while I was playing with Ana and Briana, wanting
to continue his conjuration lessons. I convinced him to wait until after
the ball, not wanting to waste any of my precious remaining time today.
He did not leave immediately, however. Instead, he asked me what the
definition of treason is. Treason? What in the name of the gods is he
getting involved with now? Is he in contact with Ronan's followers again?
Or is it something else? He claimed he wanted to know because he's
curious as to how the King handles criticism. This doesn't exactly
reassure me. I suggested that he not bother Nicholas right now. I hope
he takes this advice to heart more than he's done my advice about his cat.
He still refuses to investigate anything about her, blithely trusting that
she will not betray him, despite all of the grief that has befallen him
since their paths first crossed. Eral, how can he be so blind? What if
the cat poses a danger not only to him, but others as well? Maybe I
should warn Benedict. Assuming Benedict doesn't already know.
Gavin also mentioned Nimue's change of attitude. I must admit, it
is rather striking. Is her new position affecting her personality, or is
she simply wearing a kinder facade while appearing in public? I'd like to
believe the former, but... It's curious that she hasn't bothered Gavin
lately about walking the Pattern. Either something has happened such that
the Pattern no longer urgently needs the added power, or she's simply
changed her approach. If the latter, I wish her luck. Gavin is obviously
quite stubborn.
I suppose it was too much to hope that no one would question me
about what I did to Brand. Gavin voiced the question that has been
bothering me since that night - what must Brand think of his injuries, now
that he can't remember why he got them? I can only hope that Clarissa was
able to heal him before he regained consciousness. Most of his wounds can
be dealt with that way. But mine... I used a Takaran blade on him. Such
wounds can't be easily healed. At least not by any means Lucien knows of.
I wish I had known in advance what his final punishment would be. Not
that I would have stayed my hand. I had no choice. What he did was...is
unforgivable. But if I'd known that they were going to take his memory
afterwards, I would have chosen a different blade with which to exact my
revenge.
I am beginning to wish I had not allowed Jalana to visit Grayson
alone. She mentioned that he had another visitor, a faerie woman named
Sarah. The only faerie Grayson has ever mentioned to me was Jack... No,
I'm being paranoid. Surely he wouldn't have invited Jack here, after I
specifically warned him of the consequences of such an action. I want to
go to his quarters to see for myself, but I said I would leave him alone
for a while when last we spoke. I have to give him time to adjust. Gods,
I pray that wasn't Jack. The thought of Jalana being near that
creature... It's enough to make me sick.
Evening
Grayson wasn't at dinner, and he's not in his quarters, either.
Where could he be? I hope he's simply gone into town, as he did before.
It's so hard not to worry about him, not to check and make sure he's all
right. I have to keep reminding myself that he's 60 years old. That's
ten years older than I was when I first came to Amber, and I survived with
no one to help me. I'm sure he can take care of himself. If he's not at
breakfast, *then* I'll worry. Tonight...tonight is for saying goodbye.
It was hard to put the children to bed, knowing that this is my
last night with them for a while. It's amazing how even the most
insignificant things take on much greater meaning under such
circumstances. I find myself feeling sad over the silliest things...
It's going to be a long night.
I don't know why I needed to say goodbye to Shard. I suppose it
had something to do with the fact that I haven't spoken to him since
before we rescued Nicholas...so much has changed since then. It was a
strange conversation, this time. He still seems terribly lonely. I wish
there was something I could do to help. Except for becoming like him. He
says that if I were a vampire, the things that hurt me so would cease to
concern me. But those things are a large part of who I am. Without my
concern for my family, my friends, what would be left of me?
I thought Lucien had accepted my friendship with Shard. I suppose
that was naive of me. He believes that if I continue to spend time with
Shard, his loneliness will eventually drive him to make me a vampire, that
it is the nature of vampires to destroy those who get close to them. And
it's disturbing to realize that I can become like Shard merely by drinking
his blood, something he could easily force me to do if he wished. When I
thought the only way to become a vampire was to be bitten three times, I
at least had the comfort of knowing that I could walk the Pattern before
it was too late. But if Lucien is right, and Shard already has the power
to make me a vampire if he wishes to, then whether I remain his friend or
cut him out of my life makes no difference in the end, right? Gods, I
don't know what to think. Eral knows that Lucien has more experience with
vampires than I do, but...how can I abandon my friend based on something
he *might* do? I can't think of a more certain way to drive him to become
what everyone fears he will be then by treating him as though he already
is like that. And I can't do that to him.
I had a feeling the idea would bother Lucien. I don't know why he
was so reluctant to admit it. I know he hates to influence me unduly, but
in this case I feel better off knowing how he feels. I didn't want to
spend five years wondering if I'd be hurting him or not. And it will make
it easier for me to endure our time apart. At least I hope it will.
Amber, year 16, day 316 (Sunday, August 27, 2994)
Morning
The dawn has come at last. It is too soon for me. I'm not ready.
Where did the night go? Gods, only a few more hours before I leave...
No, I mustn't dwell on that. Better to remember the night we just spent
together. I'm going to need that memory to get through the lonely time
ahead.
Grayson wasn't at breakfast, he isn't answering his Trump, and
he's not in his quarters. His bed hasn't been slept in, and there are
traces of faerie magic in the room. Now I'm beginning to worry. To make
matters worse, I've been notified that the Ygg expedition is leaving in an
hour. How can I go when I don't know if something's happened to him? But
I have to go, I can't back out now. Where is he? Why can't I trace the
magic I detected? If it was from Grayson, I should be able to trace it.
Gods, what if that faerie really was Jack yesterday?
Neither Lucien nor Whimsy has had any more success with tracing
the magic than I did. It must have been Jack. There aren't many who
could block all of us besides him. Fiona could, I'm sure, but she has no
reason to be involved with Grayson, and I'm sure Whimsy would recognize
her mother's signature. Someone from Avalon, perhaps? Do any of them
even know faerie magic? I don't know what to do. I'm running out of
time. How am I supposed to leave for five years without knowing if
Grayson is alive or dead? What if Whimsy's right, and this is my fault?
What if I drove Grayson away?
There's no more time. We have to leave. I feel as though I'm
hanging on by a thread. Where is he? Gods, I'm doing this partially for
him. With the chasm mended, he can contact his mother again. I wanted to
let him know that, to let him know that he just had to hang on for a few
more days. That he didn't have to do anything rash. I should have told
him yesterday. Why didn't I? Better I risk smothering him than this.
What if he's hurt? Please, gods, let Lucien or Whimsy find him. Let him
be all right. This isn't how I wanted to say goodbye.
"Outrageous Fortune"
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