Session 118
Amber, year 16, day 255 continued
Afternoon
Whatever Driscoll put in the powdered sugar was certainly effective.
I dropped off before lunch, and it was all I could manage to drag myself
down to the dining hall when Jalana woke me. It was a strange lunch. A
rather deserted lunch. None of my aunts and uncles were present, and a
lot of my cousins were absent, too. Ishmael was there, of course,
although without Whimsy this time. Alex kept glaring at Ishmael from time
to time. I wonder what that's all about?
Ishmael is certainly as obnoxious as Ahab was. It's obvious that he
doesn't want to be giving the boys' art lessons in my quarters. A
rational person might try to discuss the matter with me. Ishmael decided
instead to try to irritate me into letting them move. He brought so much
stuff that six people had to carry it in, and then deliberately made so
much noise that it was impossible to do anything else. Especially sleep.
And I wanted so very badly to sleep, thanks to Driscoll's "sugar." I was
much too tired to argue with Ishmael, so I've come to the townhouse
instead. I'll just grab a quick nap here, and be back before the lesson
is over. With luck, they won't even know that I've gone.
So much for that idea. I do feel much better now, but I slept much
longer than I was intending. I was afraid to see what mischief the
children had gotten into while I was gone, but they were all playing
quietly when I returned. What on earth did Ishmael say to them?
Driscoll said to keep busy, but I'm finding that easier said than
done. The children are occupying themselves, the search for their tutors
continues without requiring any more effort from me...Lucien still doesn't
answer his Trump. I'm wondering if I should even bother trying, anymore.
Every time I fail to reach him, the pain sharpens from its usual dull
ache. But if I give up trying to reach him, then I give up what little
hope I have of seeing him again. And that would hurt even worse.
The beach house. I can work on the beach house. The tsunami leveled
it completely. All that's left is the foundation, so it will have to be
completely rebuilt. In which case, I may as well redesign it. Expand it.
Surely that will keep me busy for a while.
Another formal dinner tonight. Eric will be making some
announcements, apparently. I know what one of them will be. If Nicholas
has walked the Pattern, like he intended, then he is finally able to
become king. I will say this much for Ahab, whatever other poor decisions
he made in his short reign, he made a good choice in Nicholas' regent.
There aren't many who would give up that kind of power without a fight,
not among those who want it, anyway. I respect Eric a lot for that.
Assuming he actually does give up the power, in the end.
Evening
Tamaryn seems very enthusiastic about her wedding. Felix seems less
so. They still haven't set a date yet, but at least they've decided on a
place and a season. That's a start. At least talking about the wedding
kept Tamaryn from asking me where Lucien is. I really wish Vixen hadn't
brought that up. I can understand Vixen not being in the best of moods,
though, not with Leto's little performance. I don't know what Eric was
expecting to happen when he came down to dinner with his mistress on his
arm. I wouldn't put up with that, so I'm not surprised Leto didn't
either. If Eric is going to act as though their marriage doesn't exist,
he should at least have the decency to divorce her.
Irene Chantris. Now there's a name I haven't heard in a while.
Although it's Irene Feldane now, apparently. Felix looked horribly
uncomfortable. It's rather awkward to have to introduce a woman you once
courted to your fiancee, especially given how their courtship ended. I
feel sorry for Irene. To have thought she might marry a member of the
royal family, who was young and handsome besides, and thereby escape an
arranged marriage to a much older man who'd already worn out one wife,
only to have her hopes dashed... I'd be rather angry, were I in her
shoes. But I fear she's more than angry. There's something about her
that isn't right anymore. Not after Felix introduced her to Tamaryn. I
felt something snap inside of her mind, and she couldn't seem to focus on
anything but Tamaryn and the wedding after that. It makes me nervous.
What if she sees Tamaryn as the reason why she lost Felix? I won't allow
her to hurt my daughter. Not for something that was Felix's fault, not
hers. I will not lose any more children.
The tradition of arranged marriages established by Oberon seems to be
continuing. Both Ronan and Alex are to marry daughters of two of Amber's
houses. It seems that Eric is trying to do in Amber what Oberon tried and
failed to do in Chaos - create peace through marriage. I suppose it has a
better chance of working here, but I like it no better now than I did
before. I wonder if that's why Felix suddenly decided to get married,
after all this time? Was he told to marry or have a wife selected for
him? I hope that wasn't it. Tamaryn deserves a better reason than
that.
I would have left before the dancing began, were I not concerned about
leaving Tamaryn while Irene was still present. I'd feel better if she had
believed my warning. At least she promised to be on guard, but she
doesn't believe there's cause for concern, and she is far too trusting at
times. Look where that's gotten me.
I almost refused Ishmael when he asked me to dance, but I had a
feeling he wouldn't give up easily, and I lacked the will to argue about
it. It just wasn't worth it. I should have tried harder. He kept asking
me what was making me so depressed, until I finally gave in and told him.
Well, most of it. I didn't mention Lucien's absence. I didn't want to
admit that he might have left me. It's too personal. And, I'm afraid
that if I say it, that will somehow make it real. It's crazy, I know, but
I can't bear to think about it, much less speak of it. Perhaps in time.
It's taken me more than two months to even be able to talk about what
Brand did to me, and what happened to Doran. I regret telling Ishmael
even that much. His response? He wanted to know how long I'm going to
martyr myself. He said I still had six children. I am so sick of getting
that reaction from almost everyone I've told. Children aren't
interchangeable with one another, not to me. Why do people find this so
hard to understand? Only Driscoll understood. Given Ishmael's obviously
low opinion of me, I'm surprised he still wants to train me. The truly
sad thing is, I don't really care one way or the other, right now.
Dancing with Felix also turned out to be a mistake, because it allowed
Irene to talk to Tamaryn alone. Obviously, she was waiting for such an
opportunity, but why? What did she discuss with Tamaryn? Whatever it
was, it still doesn't seem to have convinced Tamaryn that there's anything
wrong with Irene. I wish I could believe that Tamaryn was right.
Irene's husband finally claimed her and departed, which means I can
leave at last. Lord Feldane obviously doesn't care for Felix. The way he
bowed so stiffly...it reminded me of the way Lucien acted that time on the
Disc, when we were introduced to Erryn. Could Lord Feldane possibly be
jealous of Felix? It doesn't make any sense. Felix hasn't done anything
to indicate he's still interested in Irene. That's why Irene's marriage
to Feldane was allowed to continue, after all. And Felix's engagement to
another woman was just announced. He wouldn't even dance with
Irene, despite her obvious hints that she wanted him to. So what has
Felix done that Irene's husband could possibly be jealous of?
Someone has tried to make Leto miscarry Eric's child, only Lucretia
drank the tainted wine first. The target must have been Leto. Why else
would an abortifacient have been used? Was someone trying to eliminate
Eric's heirs, or just the one that would have Chaos blood? It was all I
could do to sound calm and rational as I gave the information to Benedict.
Thank the gods they don't need me for anything else. I look at Leto, and
all I see is my own lost child. The child that should still have been
inside of me. I can't bear to watch another child be lost. Please let
this be the end of it.
Amber, year 16, day 256 (Thursday, August 24, 2994)
Early morning
I almost had him. If only I'd been a little faster. Driscoll was
right, Pattern can hurt him, if his reaction to Morglyph was any
indication. So close, and yet it did no good. He knocked me almost clear
through the castle, and now I can find no trace of him. What is Jack
doing here, anyway? Why was he heading towards the Pattern room? And
why, in Eral's name, did he look like Brand? A new way to torment me,
perhaps? If only I'd been a little faster...
Vixen, on the other hand, was more than fast enough. A pity her
target was me. The blade passed through me, thanks to my spell, but the
drop to the floor didn't feel terribly good. It's a good thing I didn't
come in over the Pattern - I was worried that magic wouldn't function over
it. I should have realized that anyone in the room waiting for Jack would
be startled by anything dropping out of the ceiling. At least that Eric
didn't throw something at me too.
Brand has escaped. We're not sure how long ago. That's why Jack
looked like Brand. He's been posing as him, while Brand's been free. It
makes me sick to think about it. Why didn't we kill him when we had the
chance? How many more people will be hurt or killed now, because of this?
Something's happening. I'm being pulled into the ground, and I can't
stop it. Oh gods, the children. With Lucien gone, there won't be anyone
to take care of them. To protect them. And Brand is free. What if this
is his doing? Please let Vixen and Eric reach them in time. Please let
them be all right.
Faerie
I have my body back. And my husband. I feel tired. Weak. Violated.
Doran is gone. I knew he would be, but I had to be sure. I had to know.
Doran...I should call him Grayson now, I suppose. That's what they named
him. The bastards from House Eireg who took him. The woman who raised
him in my place. Eleanor. If I ever find her...I don't know. I want to
kill her, but she raised Doran. What if he cares for her? He'd never
forgive me for killing her. If he cares for her. He'll care for her more
than he will for me, that's for certain. I'm a stranger to him. He
probably doesn't even know who I am. What if we find him, and he doesn't
want to leave? What if he won't forgive me for losing him?
Five years. Lucien spent five years here, away from the children.
Five years of arguing with Jack. Five years alone. All to get my body
back for me. Oh gods, I can't believe he did that. How can I be angry
with him after he did this for me? How could he break his word and place
that block in my mind, and then turn around and do something like this?
How could he break his word if he loved me? How could he spend five years
fighting to get my body back if he didn't love me? I feel ashamed for
thinking so ill of him, for being so angry at him, after he's done
something like this, and yet, I have every right to be angry at his
earlier actions. Damn it, I'm upset over something that only happened a
few months ago, but to him, it's been years. He gave up seeing the
children all that time for me. For me! How am I supposed to be angry
with him now? I'm not sure what to feel, anymore. I don't know whether
to laugh or cry, to throw my arms around him or to run away. How do you
thank someone for giving up five years of their life for you, but putting
you through hell in the process?
Lucien says that Doran seems to have taken after me, not Brand. That
makes me both happy and sad. I'm glad I didn't unleash another Brand on
the world, but it must have been hard for him to grow up in Chaos, if he's
anything like me. I think of the life he should have had, growing up with
his siblings, and it makes me want to cry again. It's so unfair that he
should have had to suffer like this. I wanted so much for him...
Lucien gave me his word of honor that he will talk to me before he
ever does anything like he did before. He won't promise not to do it
again, though, not if he thinks my life is in danger. I guess I
understand that. I'd do the same, if his life was in danger. I just wish
he'd told me this years ago. Then maybe it wouldn't have hurt so bad. Of
course, if he broke his promise before, I have no reason to believe he'll
honor his word now. But I believe he'll keep his word of honor. I don't
understand his concept of honor sometimes, the same honor that kept him
doing a job he despised for millennia. But by that same example, I know
how much his own honor means to him. He'll honor a promise sworn on his
honor. I have to believe that. I have to. I spent two months believing
that I could never trust anything he said to me again, and I couldn't bear
it. I don't want to go on for the rest of my life that way.
House Borge was involved in stealing my child as well. According to
Lucien, Jack allowed Borge access to Faerie and my body. Borge then
removed the baby and sold it to the highest bidder. No wonder I feel
violated. Another house to add to the list. This is so frustrating. I
have to make those responsible pay, but I can't kill two entire houses.
Every single member is not responsible for this. I certainly won't mind
killing any of them who get in my way, though.
I grow weary of this emotional roller coaster I seem to be on. Just
when I think there's a ray of hope, the ground falls out from under me.
Lucien can't help me find Doran. He's one of the only ones who knows
where Doran is, and he can't help me. Because Jack made him choose
between Doran and me, and he chose me. I wish he hadn't. I could have
lived in Loryn's body, if it meant getting my son back. Why is Jack doing
this to me? What does he gain from this? Why can't he just leave me
alone?
Faerie, year 16, day 257 (Late autumn)
Morning
It's been a long time since I slept without the aid of alcohol or
drugs. I still feel odd, but it's not as bad as yesterday. What did they
do to me, anyway? Lucien can't find anything physically wrong with me,
but I know I didn't have this much difficulty when I was transferred into
Loryn's body. I feel dirty, somehow. Used. Ashamed of my own body.
I've never felt this way before.
The bath felt really good. Wonderful, in fact. I must have looked
somewhat crazy, scrubbing away at myself like that, trying to remove a
taint I can't even see, but I feel better now. All that remains is to
burn the clothes I was wearing. I never want to see them again. Then
maybe I'll start to feel whole again. Maybe.
I really enjoyed that. I felt in control, for the first time in a
while. It was in control of a silly thing, admittedly, but still, it felt
good. I can't believe Lucien let me get away with it. He normally
hates being tickled, and he could have escaped me if he'd really
wanted to. He's being so nice to me, right now. I wish I didn't feel so
unworthy of it.
I guess Lucien doesn't know me as well as he thinks he does. He
thought I stayed in Amber after he left. I almost didn't correct him. I
don't want to talk about where I went, or what I did. Not yet. And I
especially don't want him to learn what I did right before I left.
Removing my wedding ring seems like such a petty thing, now. How do I
explain the way I felt at the time? That I thought all of his promises
had meant as little to him as the one he'd broken? How can he fail to be
hurt by that, after what he's sacrificed for me? I can only hope that no
one noticed I wasn't wearing the ring during Nicholas' rescue. I'd be
surprised if anyone did, though. Except Jalana, and she'll never mention
it to Lucien. He need never know it happened. Not if I can help it.
"Outrageous Fortune"
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Last modified on September 13, 1997 by Kris Fazzari.