Session
117
Amber, year 16, day 254 continued
Whimsy seems to be having some trouble adapting to Amber. Which
is only to be expected, I suppose. She's spent more years in Chaos than
I've been alive. How strange Amber must seem to her after all of that.
It still seems strange to me, and I only had 50 years in Shadow to
handicap me. She's upset that her mother isn't acting the way she's used
to, nor is Caine for that matter. I wonder what Caine and Fiona were like
in Chaos? I may have seen a glimpse of it in Caine and Whimsy's behavior
at dinner the other night. A somewhat more informal style, certainly.
It's hard to imagine Fiona like that. Which would explain the change in
her behavior that Whimsy has commented on. It must be frustrating to see
your mother change overnight like that.
Whimsy also said that Flora isn't living up to the description of
her that Fiona gave - she was supposed to be some sort of social paragon,
apparently. She is the member of the family that comes closest to that,
certainly. But she's only human, and she's been through a lot. I know
better than most what that feels like. Maybe Whimsy would understand if I
told her that Flora has lost a child, as well.
I'd like to strangle the boys, sometimes. At twelve, they're more
than old enough to know better than to behave like that on such an
occasion. What's gotten into them, lately? Even my own children don't
respect me, anymore. If they ever did. What's odd is the shackles they
claimed appeared and then disappeared on them. I'd think they were making
it up, but I could see that Morgan was telling the truth. Whimsy's doing,
perhaps? The second incident did occur after they ignored her... At
least it doesn't seem to have been maliciously intended, so far as I can
tell. I don't think I could handle any more problems right now.
Well, I've begun the process of acquiring tutors for the children.
I only hope I'm doing the right thing. My decisions of late have all been
uniformly bad. With the exception of rescuing Nicholas, I can't think of
a single thing that I've done right recently. But it's hard to imagine
how hiring tutors could make things worse. The boys are getting out of
control as it is.
Ishmael's invited me to breakfast. The note didn't give any
further details. He obviously wants to discuss something. Maybe he's
decided to answer my questions about how to make Takaran weapons. I can't
think of anything else we've discussed that would need to be resolved in
private. It's funny, I spent so much time trying to learn how to do make
Takaran weapons, and now that I've finally found someone who can teach me,
I feel nothing. No excitement, no curiosity, not even a sense of
accomplishment. It just doesn't matter, anymore.
Evening
I don't believe for a second that Vincent had arranged art lessons
with Ishmael. He hardly would have planned for them to start in the
middle of dinner, for one thing. So why is Ishmael doing this? He's only
been in Amber for a few days. He must have better things to do with his
time than spend time teaching three teenage boys. Hopefully, I'll find
out the answer to that tomorrow. I was too grateful for the distraction
he provided for the boys to protest his appearance tonight. Gods help me,
I'm running out of ideas. The only time the boys had any respect for my
authority was when I turned them into stone, and I just don't have the
heart to keep doing things like that to them. Especially not after seeing
the effect it had on Ana.
Nothing. I put everything I had into one last try, one final
attempt, and got...nothing. No answer. This is driving me insane. Is he
gone, or just somewhere Trump won't reach? I need to know. I can't stand
this uncertainty. How am I supposed to cope with this and move on when I
don't even know yet what I need to cope with?
Amber, year 16, day 255, (Wednesday, August 23, 2994)
Early morning
Even the scant peace I find in my wine has deserted me tonight.
It seems I have reached the limits of what this body can endure. Liver
poisoning. It is no more than I deserve. Even the pain is better than
the emptiness that haunts me at night. Anything is better than that.
Morning
Ishmael is willing to begin teaching me how one makes Takaran
weapons, even if he's not sure I'm ready for it. Provided I eat and stop
drinking. How does he know about that? How many people has Jalana been
talking to, anyway? I eventually agreed to his terms, but it was a near
thing. I'm still not sure how I can do it. I'm not worried about the
eating requirement. I've been trying to do that already, for Jalana's
sake. But I can barely stand the nights when I do drink. Without the
alcohol to numb the pain...I don't know how I'm going to bear it. I'll
just have to find other means. I'm a doctor, after all. I know of any
number of substances that can accomplish the same effect as the wine.
Well, at least in a human. In this body, who knows?
The interesting fact is that Ishmael learned how to make Takaran
metal from Nicholas. Who did Nicholas learn it from, I wonder? Miranda?
Ishmael had heard of her, but says she's working for Zane. I still feel
badly about her situation. She's been trapped in Chaos for a century now,
because we couldn't manage to find her quickly enough. I'm sure she
wishes she'd never seen Usires, or his ax. I wish there was some way to
free her. Assuming that, after 100 years, she hasn't become a willing
partner of Zane's.
Ishmael must think me a truly horrible parent if, after only
knowing me a few days, he feels it necessary to assume the task of
teaching the boys discipline. Someone who's virtually a stranger doesn't
offer to step in like this unless he thinks the situation is too bad to be
ignored. I fear he's right. The boys obviously prefer his company to
mine. Even Jalana thinks I'm terrible for leaving them to bring Nicholas
back from Chaos. What kind of mother would leave her own children like
that, especially without knowing where their father is, or if he's ever
coming back? They'd be better off with someone else. But I would hurt
them even more if I left. Gods, it seems I'm damned no matter what I do.
I'm not sure what I expected from my meeting with Nicholas. I
guess I hoped for reassurance that Brand will pay for what he did. I
suppose I got that. Nicholas said Brand will be dealt with. But not
until after the coronation. Which is weeks away. Eral knows what could
happen between now and then. I'm sure something will. It always does. I
believe Nicholas wants to punish Brand. I just don't have any faith in it
happening. And even if it does, what punishment can possibly make up for
his stealing my child from me? I don't think anything can. Just like I
don't think anything can stop him from hurting me or my family again,
while he lives.
That's the only part of the meeting that went like I expected,
though. I certainly wasn't expecting Nicholas to question my sanity.
Eric told him that he thinks I'm insane. Why? Because I wanted to remain
in Chaos to look for my son? Because I can't bring myself to care if I
live or die anymore? Maybe I am insane. I'm not sure of anything, right
now. But I'd have to be insane to allow Fiona, or anyone else, into my
mind. I won't go through that ever again. I'll die first. Why the hell
should I have to submit to Fiona's tender ministrations, when Brand does
not?
I was hoping that I could talk to Lavender, hoping she'd at least
tell me if I'm crazy or not. But she's working on the Ygg replanting. I
suppose I was expecting that, but I couldn't think of anyone else to turn
to. I'm glad Driscoll insisted on talking to me. I almost felt like
myself again, if only for a little while. It helps a lot to know that I'm
not the only one who's felt this way, that there's nothing wrong with me
because of how I'm reacting. That someday, the pain will fade. If he
survived the death of his wife, then maybe I can survive the loss of my
son. And the rest of it. Somehow. Even if I have to take it one day,
one hour, at a time. What other choice do I have?
"Outrageous Fortune"
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Last modified on August 29, 1997 by Kris Fazzari.