Session
116
Amber, year 16, day 252 continued
So, the Jewel was taken from Nicholas by the leader of the forces
who attacked Ygg. Brand did not save it while Nicholas was fighting Zane,
as he claimed. Zane was not the one who attacked Ygg, as Brand claimed.
How convenient that Brand turned up with the Jewel in Amber. Hah. If
anyone was foolish enough to believe Brand's tale before, surely they've
seen the light now. He obviously attacked Nicholas trying to get the
Jewel, but his allies turned out to have their own agenda, namely the
destruction of Ygg. They must have been from the Unseelie Court, even if
they appeared human. I know better than anyone how looking human does not
mean that you *are* human. And who else would benefit from the
destruction of Ygg except Faerie? I hope Nicholas makes Brand pay dearly
for all that he's done.
Whimsy still seems to be holding a grudge against Adam Helgram. I
can't blame her, really. From her perspective, he turned them in, then
changed sides again when the odds turned against the Hendrakes. Maybe he
did. He just never struck me as the sort of person who would do that, on
the occasions that I've met him in the past. I keep remembering the way
he returned my wave when we left. He didn't look like someone who'd just
betrayed two sides. He looked happy that we'd succeeded, and that
Nicholas and the others were going home. Maybe I'm being naive. It has
been a century there, after all. People change in far less time than
that. Sometimes almost overnight.
I needed that. I needed to fight someone I couldn't possibly hurt
while going all out. Ishmael certainly qualifies. He continues to remind
me of his brother. It's almost painful to watch. He has Ahab's cocky
attitude and warped sense of humor. It's eerie to see how much he
resembles someone who died before he was even born. I'm not sure how to
react to it. Part of me wants to trust him, the way I did Ahab. Even
though I know that's foolish. The other part of me wants to stay away
from him, to keep my distance. Just in case he turns out to have a death
wish like Ahab did, as well.
Amber, year 16, day 253 (Monday, August 21, 2994)
Morning
Ishmael appears to have a good measure of Ahab's callousness as
well. God damn him. At least I made it back to my quarters. I won't cry
in front of everyone. I won't.
I am beginning to understand why I feel such a strange closeness
to Whimsy, even though we barely know each other. She, too, has lost a
child. Maybe I sensed that, on some level. I'm not sure why else I would
have told her what Brand did to me, when I've told no one else the full
story, save Lucien. We understand each other, I think. The pain, the
emptiness, the bitterness. She, though, has no other children, cannot
have any more children. I have six remaining to me. Six constant
reminders to me of the absence of the seventh. I cannot choose the route
Whimsy has. I do not have the luxury of simply avoiding everything that
reminds me of my loss. My remaining children need me. Especially with
their father gone. I can't just abandon them. But sometimes, it's so
hard to see them...
Benedict wants his Takaran daggers back. I should have known we
wouldn't be allowed to keep them for long. Assuming that page truly was
from Benedict. These days, I'm not sure of anything. It certainly would
be the perfect cover for collecting a good number of Takaran weapons.
Just in case, I'm going to return my set in person.
I took Whimsy's advice and spoke to Jalana. I could not bring
myself to explain what's upsetting me, though. I thought perhaps I could,
but... She's too young. How do you tell your own child that you were
raped? And that you conceived a child from it, a child that you then
lost? I can't. I just can't. I think some good came out of our talk
anyway. I understand now that Jalana can't stop worrying about me,
anymore than I can stop worrying about her. Forcing her to stay away from
me will only make her feel worse. It seems I have no choice but to accept
her presence, much as I wish it were otherwise. At least I think I do.
Sometimes I think being alone only makes the pain worse. It certainly
doesn't seem to have eased Whimsy's pain any, even though she lost her
child years ago.
Vixen is looking for Lucien. I wish her luck in finding him. I
certainly haven't been able to. I suppose I'll know soon enough if he is
avoiding everyone, or just me.
Afternoon
It would seem that he is refusing to answer anyone, judging by
Vixen's lack of success. I told her to keep the Trump, if she wants to
keep trying to reach him. It's not as though I have need of it, anyway.
Benedict did send the page after all. I guess recent events have
made me rather paranoid. Still, it could easily have been someone
shapeshifted to look like the page Benedict sent. Without power words,
there isn't really a good way to reveal if someone is shapeshifted or not.
Well, at least no way that I know of.
I've decided to name him Doran. I know it's silly, since he's
already been given a name in Chaos, but I can't just keep thinking of him
as the baby. Not when he isn't one, and hasn't been for a long time. I
have to call him something, and Doran is appropriate. It was one of the
names I had been considering for him, anyway, before... It means "a gift"
in my native tongue. I wanted the name to be something positive, so he
wouldn't grow up thinking that he wasn't wanted. Now, I don't suppose
that really matters. He's already grown up, after all. But the name has
another meaning, too. In Gaelic, it means "Stranger, exile." That seems
somehow appropriate. The first meaning was my hope. The second, the
brutal, hopeless reality.
Evening
I hadn't realized that Whimsy had brought more than just the head
of the Hendrake commander back to Amber. I wonder what she wanted with
the rest of the pieces? I somehow doubt she intended for the hand to be
put to the use Alex chose for it, though. I do find it ironic that the
Hendrake I killed was not only the commander of the arresting party, but
the Head of House as well. That makes two that I've killed, or rather two
that I've been involved in killing. Two whose heads I've severed, to be
sure. I wonder what *that* does for my reputation in Chaos? Try to kill
my children, will they? Not that this stopped them from taking Doran from
me. If I ever learn who... But I probably won't, will I? I haven't been
able to punish anyone else responsible for what happened, why should this
be any different?
Ishmael can make Takaran weapons! I wasn't expecting that. If
only I can get him to teach me. Maybe I'd finally succeed at something I
set out to do. It's been a long time since that happened. No, that isn't
true. We did manage to rescue Nicholas, after all. Still, I hope I can
persuade Ishmael to share the secret. It's not like I intend to use it to
eliminate all Chaosites. Just the ones who stole my son.
Whimsy's table manners are...interesting. I wonder if all meals
are like this in Chaos? I should probably be grateful that she animated
Caine's meal, for I wouldn't have been watching the boys as closely if it
hadn't been for the way they seemed to be admiring her behavior. I can't
believe they were stealing silverware! Why, in the name of all the gods,
would they do such a thing? They don't need it to use, or sell. I could
understand if we were poor, but... Has nothing I've taught them over the
past 12 years sunk in? Why do I even bother?
They've been stealing things for years! They must have been.
They have a whole collection of items, some of which must have come from
Bedlam. Many of them aren't even valuable, just pretty to look at, all
bright and shiny... That comes from their faerie blood, no doubt. How
could I not have noticed this? And what am I going to do with them? They
even tried to run away, until I turned them into stone, and that scared
Ana half to death. I can't keep doing this. I don't want them to obey me
only because they fear me. And I don't think I can make them afraid of me
anyway, not the boys, at least. I'd just wind up frightening Ana more,
and that's the last thing I want to do. Damn it Lucien, where are you? I
just know they picked up all of this from you. Well, maybe I can't stop
them from "practicing" in the future, but at least I can ensure they don't
keep anything. I don't suppose there's any harm in that. Of course, I've
been wrong about a lot of things, lately.
Amber, year 16, day 254 (Tuesday, August 22, 2994)
Early morning
I wish Gavin hadn't interrupted our workout when he did. It
sounds like Ishmael might be willing to teach me what I want to know about
making Takaran weapons, but it's hard to be sure. I think he's going to
watch me for a bit, first. I can respect that. I'm just glad he was
willing to spar with me for so long. Even so, exhausted as I am, I still
can't seem to sleep. It's always the nights that are the worst. During
the days, I can usually find something to occupy me. Keeping an eye on
the children, if nothing else. Eral knows how time consuming that can be.
But at night, after the children have gone to bed, it all becomes almost
overwhelming. I keep thinking about what happened, recalling every word
Lucien and I said to each other. Gods, I wanted so badly to hurt him
then, to give him some idea of how much he had hurt me. I just wanted to
be left alone. Maybe I succeeded. If so, it is a bitter success. I want
to believe that he is simply looking for my body in Chaos. Or maybe
searching for Doran. Once, I would have had no doubt of this. Back when
I thought I knew him. Before he broke his promise to me. Now, I just
don't know anymore. With each day that passes, it grows harder to
convince myself that he will be returning. Time flows so quickly in
Chaos. If he is there, then several years have passed by now. Decades,
even. If he was looking for my body, surely he would have found it by
now? If he was really looking for my body. If he intended to come back.
Maybe he found my wedding ring, and left because of that. Damn it, I'm
the one who was hurt. Why do I feel like this is my fault? Gods, I wish
it didn't hurt like this. I wish there was another way to make it stop.
But only one thing seems to numb the pain enough for me to sleep. At
least for now.
Morning
The two men that Ronan lost were buried this morning. I made
Jalana and the boys attend with me. I think they're old enough to handle
it, and it wouldn't hurt to give the boys a reminder of our mortality.
They're too convinced of their own invulnerability, sometimes.
Afternoon
Someone has given Vincent an eating utensil, of all things. What
would possess someone to do that? Obviously, it must be someone who saw
what happened at dinner last night. Vincent is certain that it is a
utensil, and not something else. He says he's tasted it. Sometimes I
forget how good at shapeshifting they are. Still, I don't like it. It
just seems strange. I'm going to have to keep a close eye on Vincent for
a while, just in case there's more to this.
Bringing Jalana to the funeral was probably not a good idea, in
retrospect. She still feels upset by the fact that I went after Nicholas,
and knowing that some people died in the process isn't helping. She
thinks Nicholas is more important to me than them, since I was willing to
risk my life to save him. She's too young to understand how the risk was
outweighed by the benefits. How I had so many reasons, both personal and
otherwise, to try and save Nicholas, that it outweighed the small risk to
my own life. That I couldn't just let them die, simply because there
existed the chance that I might die in saving them. When she's older,
maybe she'll understand. If she continues to take after me, I know she
will. I suspect this wouldn't be upsetting her quite this much if it
wasn't for Lucien's absence. She's afraid that he won't come back, or
that I'll leave him if he does. I tried my best to reassure her. He has
to come back. Even if he doesn't care about me, I know he wouldn't leave
the children. She understands that, at least. But how can I guarantee
that her father and I will stay together, when I don't know that myself?
I won't know until Lucien returns, and I find out why he left. And we
resolve what he did to me. If he even wants to.
I've decided to find tutors for the boys now, rather than waiting
for the summer to end, since being grounded has obviously left them with
too much time on their hands. They're bound to be difficult about that.
Jalana did have a good suggestion as to what to do about them, however.
They may not fear me, but they still fear their father. Reminding them
that he'll hear all about their behavior when he returns may serve to
improve their obedience. I can only hope.
I've agreed to teach Gavin conjuration, in return for a favor in
the future. I'm not sure what that will be, just yet, but it may come in
handy. Instructing him will at least be another distraction, one that
promises to take quite a while, as he shows no natural aptitude for
conjuration. I wonder if that's why Random sent him to me? Is how I feel
so obvious to everyone? I had hoped I was doing a better job of hiding
it.
Deirdre's funeral was rather somber, which is only to expected, I
suppose. She seemed to be pretty well regarded by most of the nobles in
attendance. I couldn't suppress the cynical thought that they only liked
her because she was dead. It's a horrible thing to think, I know, but I
remember all that Ahab told me about her, and the dislike she held me in
ever since Ahab and I were lovers, and I just can't picture her as being
the sort of person that people would be very fond of. She was rather like
Kimdyl, in that respect. I often wondered if that's why Ahab married
Kimdyl, actually. It is rather twisted, but then again, so was Ahab's
background.
There is definitely something strange about Gavin's cat. It
contains a great deal of magical power, but it was able to stop me from
determining anything more about it. I find this rather disquieting. I
wonder if Gavin is aware of the power that resides in his companion?
Either way, it bears looking into. Whimsy noticed the cat as well, so I
imagine Fiona will know of it before long. If it can hold Fiona off, then
I am very concerned indeed.
Gavin knows distressingly little about the cat, not even her name.
She refuses to share it, so he calls her Angel. Perhaps I am too quick to
think of faeries lately, due to my recent problems, but the way his cat
guards her name is very much a faerie trait. It also seems suspicious
that she joined him right when his foster parents died, and that he has
experienced no end of trouble ever since. I'd almost think he had been
cursed, but I can find no sign of a faerie curse on him. Perhaps it is
the cat who carries the curse, to bring ill-luck on her "owner." We can't
even be sure the cat is really a cat. She could be a shapeshifted faerie.
Or a Chaosite, I suppose. Despite all of this, Gavin seems unconcerned
about her, claiming he trusts her because she knows that he is malevolent
to those who cross him. The same can be said for much of the family, but
that doesn't offer them complete protection. It just makes anyone who
moves against them careful not to be identified until it no longer
matters. This cat of his hardly has to worry about his revenge if he dies
before he realizes that she's a threat.
I can see what Gavin means about the universe hating him, though.
When he first came to Amber, he had the misfortune to stumble across Ronan
while he was inciting a group of nobles to form a parliament in a secret
meeting. No wonder Ronan isn't especially fond of him. What can Ronan be
thinking, anyway? I have no objections to what he's proposing, but it
seems to me he might have been better off speaking to Nicholas about it
first, before he went and talked to the nobles. By not doing so, he gives
the appearance of going against the King, even if he did not intend to.
That's certainly what Maris thinks, judging by how prominently she
displays Ronan's symbol on her pamphlets. And Gavin's, of course. Only
Gavin would survive getting hit by a tsunami, only to be rescued by a
revolutionary. He does have bad luck, indeed. Were I him, I wouldn't go
near the Pattern if I didn't have to. He'd doubtless trip during his
walk, or something worse. It's not like he needs to walk the Pattern. He
doesn't need it for transport through Shadow, after all. Knowing what I
know about the Pattern now, I'm not sure I'd walk it if I had an
alternative. Not that I can at the moment, anyway.
"Outrageous Fortune"
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