Session
114
Faerie, year 16, day 188 continued
Somehow, I knew Jack would be the first being I encountered once I
came to Faerie. He reminds me of Brand, when Brand was trying to be
charming. Which means he can't be trusted, of course. Not that I have
much choice but to play his game. There's too much at stake. I wish
there were another way, though. I think of having to marry a man I've
never even met, and it makes my blood run cold. But I will do it, if I
must. If only I could find another way...
Faerie, year 16, day 189
Morning
Jack continues playing his little game. Apparently the
pomegranates were left for my breakfast to verify whether I was indeed
Ariana. Why was this so important? I thought it was Loryn's body they
needed for this marriage. Why should it matter whose mind is inside of
it? I wish I understood. I wasn't willing to waste my two remaining
questions asking about it, though. I need to find Lucien first.
Afternoon
I took the path that Jack said would lead me to Lucien. It led to
the Unseelie King, of course. I should have known that I couldn't avoid
my fate. Jack said there would be more than I bargained for here, and I'd
have to deal with that to liberate Lucien. Given that, I suppose I should
have expected the King's demand that I give him an heir as well as marry
him. I think I did on some level, but I was hoping it wouldn't be
necessary. With faerie infertility, I could be here for a long time
before I conceive, and even if I did, I couldn't just leave the child. It
reminds me of the offer Caolan made to me, asking me to give him a child
to make up for Uma's death. I couldn't do it then, and I can't do it now.
What will I do, then? Spend the centuries it takes to conceive and raise
the child, while my other children grow up without me? I can't. But the
only other alternative is not a pleasant one. He said I have to give him
a child, not bear it. And faeries are known for stealing other
children... But I can't steal someone else's child from them. Gods, I
could never do that. Surely I can find an orphaned or abandoned child
somewhere in Shadow that would be acceptable? I must. That is the only
option I can stomach. Unless I can find a way to get back into my own
body, in which case Loryn will be dead, and all her agreements with her.
Including this awful marriage.
Jack made another appearance while I was being readied for the
wedding. I finally determined who he is. Jack of the Willows. It would
be him. Even the Unseelie don't trust him. What is he doing here? What
am I doing here? The closer the time gets, the more miserable I feel. I
hope Lucien understands why I had to do this, someday. Jack certainly
didn't. He pointed out that by marrying the King to save Lucien, I will
lose him. I know that. But at least he will be alive. And there's a
chance that I can leave Faerie someday to rejoin him. Especially if I can
get back in my own body. If he's killed, then I don't have any chance at
all. I know he will be reborn someday, as I was. But I don't think I
could bear to wait as long as he did for me.
Jack mentioned a few other interesting things. He's the one who
set the spell that caused me to switch bodies in the first place. I'm
still not sure if he had a specific reason for doing so, or if he did it
just to amuse him. Given his reputation, either one is equally likely.
He also revealed that he helped orchestrate the curse that was laid on
Nimue. What puzzles me is that he claims it shouldn't have killed her.
And yet I saw her die on the Pattern. Didn't I? Maybe it wouldn't have
killed her if I hadn't interfered. Or maybe she's still alive, somehow.
She was a Pattern child, after all. I can't believe it would kill her.
What's happened to her, then? I wish I knew more about how the Pattern
worked. Maybe Bleys will have some idea. If I ever make it back to ask
him.
Evening
So. I am an idiot, and a fool. I went through all of this for
nothing. For worse than nothing. The Seelie Court has lost much, and all
because of me. Why? Why did they ransom me? They weren't ransoming me,
of course, they were ransoming Loryn. But she's dead. She died 2,000
years ago. Why would they give up so much for her, when she no longer
exists? It doesn't make any sense. They should have left me there. What
was the point in saving me? I risked all I did for no reason. Lucien was
never in danger. And my body...my body is in Chaos. So much for it being
safe in Faerie. Naturally, now that my body is gone, the sorcerers have
figured out how to transfer me back into it. But until we find it, that
doesn't do me much good. At least the borders are open now, so we can
finally go after Nicholas. I suppose that's something.
Amber (Saturday, August 19, 2994)
Night
I thought it couldn't get any worse. I had no idea. My son
is...lost. In the hands of those who mean him harm. Oh, my poor baby, I
meant so much better for you. You deserved so much better. How old are
you now? How old will you be when we find you? You won't even know me,
will you? It isn't fair! Why did I have to agonize so much over whether
to keep you, only to lose you now? If I had to lose you, why couldn't it
have been before I grew attached to you? How could I let this happen? I
don't even know your name...
How could he do that to me? Why? The one promise I've ever asked
of him, the promise that enabled me to trust him in the first place, and
he breaks it as if it meant nothing. And for what? To stop me from doing
something I wasn't going to do anyway. Something *he* suggested. How am
I supposed to trust anything he says to me, if his word is meaningless to
him? Gods, I didn't think I could possibly hurt more than I already did,
but now... Bastard. Lying, heartless bastard. It will be a cold day in
hell before *I* contact him. And he can have his damn ring back, too. If
he can break that one promise so easily, I doubt any of the rest meant
anything, either. Bastard.
Shadow, year 16, day 193
The pain never stops. Even when I sleep, I'm never really free of
it. At least it doesn't take much to get drunk in this form. I'm not
sure I'd ever sleep, otherwise. I can't go on like this. I feel like I'm
going crazy. I just want to strike out at someone. At Brand. At Jack.
At the people who stole my baby. At the bastard I married. None of whom
I can touch. All right. Fine. If I can't reach them, I'll substitute
something else to beat on. However long it takes, I will gain control
over this body. And then I'm going to find my son. May the gods curse
anyone who gets in my way.
Shadow, year 16, day 202
My memories are beginning to fade. Or rather, Loryn's memories
are. This isn't supposed to happen! Is this something Lucien did, while
he was in my mind? Or a side effect of being back in Loryn's body? Drumm
said that there's never been a faerie soul reborn in a human body before.
He wasn't even sure that the regression spell would work. Somehow, I
doubt there has ever been a case of someone getting switched into the body
from their past life, either. Who can say what the effects could be of
that? I don't want to lose these memories, though. Not after all that
happened because of them. Drumm's death, the destruction of Avalon... If
I lose the memories that caused all of that, then it all happened for
nothing! And I can't even make a recording of them, not while I'm in this
body. Faeries and technology just don't mix that well. It isn't fair!
But was has been, lately? Losing my son wasn't fair, either, nor was what
Lucien did to me. I should be used to this by now. I dearly wish I was.
Damn. I don't want to forget what Lucien used to be like, before he was
twisted by his father, and his grief, and two millennia of being an
assassin. I need to remember that. Especially now.
Shadow, year 16, day 207
I've begun writing down what I can still remember. It won't be
the same as the actual memories, but at least I'll have something. Maybe,
if I ever get my body back, the memories will return. Maybe. The way
things have been lately, I'm not holding out much hope. Hope is for the
weak, anyway. It's just another source of pain, when it is inevitably
dashed.
Amber, year 16, day 252 (Sunday, August 20, 2994)
Early morning
After two months, you'd think the pain would have faded, at least
a little. I thought it had. I've been so busy, I haven't had time to
feel anything. But being back in Amber again...it's all coming back. I
should have known better than to return here. But I can't go to Chaos
alone. At least Eric didn't waste any time, once I finally managed to
interrupt him. Brand's image of him turns out to have been accurate. I
wonder how he knew? I don't really care. Eric approved most of my
suggested list of personnel, with the exception of Vixen. He claims
Rénard is too young to be without his mother. Right. My mother
abandoned me when I was six months old, and I survived. And I notice he
didn't object to Felix's presence, or mine, and we both have young
children. Somehow I doubt he'd let Vixen go, even if Rénard was
grown. How typically male. I wonder how long Vixen will tolerate it?
Shard still can't really see me, but I found a way for him to hear
me, at least. Even without seeing me, he could tell that I've changed. I
wonder what he'd think if he knew what I look like now? I don't suppose
it would bother him much. As he pointed out, his emotions are rather
diminished. I envy him that. I'd give a lot not to feel anything. Even
the numbness I felt in Shadow is hard for me to maintain right now. And
if it's hard now, it will be impossible when I speak to Lucien. Damn, I
wish I could avoid that. But we need someone else besides me who can take
the group back through Faerie when this is over. Otherwise, if I die,
we've just managed to strand more people in Chaos. I won't risk that. I
think I spoke to Shard more in an attempt to put off contacting Lucien
than anything else. Talking to him did help a bit, though. It was good
to at least talk to someone about some of what's happened, and not have
them get angry at me. I can't put this off much longer, though. I hope I
can figure out where Lucien is. At least then I won't have to Trump him.
After what he did, the last thing I want is to be in psychic contact with
him.
"Outrageous Fortune"
Ariana's Page |
Ariana's Diaries
Other PC Diaries and
Contributions
All text on this page is © 1997 by Kris Fazzari.
Last modified on July 31, 1997 by Kris Fazzari.