Session
113
Amber, year 16, day 188 continued
I miss my faerie wards. This couldn't have happened before. Why
the spell, though. I do not belong? Belong where? In Amber? In this
body? What? And who was that man? Part of me wishes Jalana had not
interrupted the spell, and part of me is grateful she did. How long might
the spell have continued, otherwise? What else might have happened?
Brand is under house arrest. Thank the gods. It feels so good to
know that *something* is being done. Unfortunately, he cannot be charged
with anything until I regain my body, or Nicholas is found, because of the
overly strict laws that Oberon laid down. The more I learn about the man,
the more I despise him. It's so ridiculous. And Brand has been taking
advantage of it for years. Well, the path the retrieving both my body and
Nicholas seems to lie in Faerie. And the delivery of Eric's message. He
wants me to deliver it personally, if I can. Given our talk last night, I
know Lucien will not pleased about this.
"Not be pleased" was an understatement. Acted like a damned
dictator is more like it. He wants me to obey him unquestioningly, then
tries to make it sound like I don't trust him when I won't. Hah. This
after he refuses to let me out of his sight because he doesn't trust *me*.
Why should I trust him when I am not trusted in return? I am not one of
his former house members, to jump and scurry at his command. I would know
the reasons for what he asks of me. Why is this bothering him now,
anyway? It is not some new quirk of my behavior. I have always been this
way. And until now, it hasn't been a problem. What's really going on
here?
He's been to Faerie since the chasm opened. I should have known.
When did he have time to do this? And why didn't he at least tell me that
he'd been there? He said he'd sworn not to tell me what he learned there,
but at least he could have revealed that he had some basis for his belief
that I might be in danger, besides his usual overprotective attitude
regarding me. Instead he demands that I choose between him and Eric. As
if there was even a choice. I am loyal to him over Eric, or Nicholas, or
whoever else is on the throne, and he damn well knows that by now. Or he
should, given that I have defied kings for him before. But no, he had to
test me, for some reason, make sure that when it comes down to it, I will
do as he wishes. Why? What did he learn in Faerie that's frightened him
so? Why is it dangerous for me to go there? I wish I knew. He agreed to
deliver the message for me, and he claims it isn't dangerous for him to go
to Faerie, but I still feel nervous about letting him go in my place.
There's so much more going on here than I'm aware of. I can feel it.
Afternoon
If Felix is like this with all women, I'm amazed that Tamaryn has
stayed with him this long. He can't seem to go five minutes without
insulting me or my family in some way. And I'm really not in the mood for
that, right now. He did have an excellent idea, though. There is another
Ygg near the Rose, grown from a cutting Corwin planted during Patternfall.
If we could plant a cutting from it on the spot where Ygg once grew...it
just might be enough to mend the chasm, and make the universe whole once
more. Unfortunately, it could take years for this to happen, since we
have no idea how old Ygg must be to work as the binder again. But at
least it's something we can do. I need something to do right now, to stop
thinking about Lucien. Merlin wants the area around the Rose acknowledged
as a separate kingdom before he will allow us to take a cutting, of
course, but given what we'd gain, and the small size of Merlin's kingdom,
I think Eric will agree to his terms.
I should never have let Lucien go. I should have delivered Eric's
message myself, as I had intended to. But he didn't leave me any choice
in the matter, did he? He made it into a choice between himself and Eric,
and choosing him meant not entering Faerie. He said he could take care of
himself, and I couldn't. He said he wouldn't be in any danger if he
delivered the message, and I would. He asked me to trust him, and I did.
And now he's gone. I should never have let him go.
In the end, there was no choice to make at all. I can't stay in
Amber, not knowing what they are doing to him, or if he yet lives. I must
go to Faerie and try to win his release. And if "Jack" was right, and I
cannot free him without marrying the Unseelie King? Gods, the thought
makes me ill. There must be another way. There must be. But if there
is, I cannot find it in Amber.
I should have simply walked away, once Tamaryn guessed that
something was wrong. I didn't want to hurt her. But I couldn't just
leave the children with her without warning her that I might not be coming
back. I owed her that much, at least. She offered to come with me, but I
couldn't allow that. Not only because I need her to watch the children,
but because I am afraid that perhaps the Council might decide that Loryn's
daughter will do just as nicely as Loryn as a bride for the Unseelie King.
I couldn't risk that. She and Felix love each other, and their children
are so young, yet. I tried not to give away too much about whose body it
is I am trapped in, but I suspect Tamaryn has enough information now to
piece it together. I just hope that learning this way will be less of a
shock than the method I used on Lucien. Lucien... Dear gods, let him be
all right. I should never have let him go.
I could barely keep from crying when I said goodbye to the
children. Knowing I may never see them again...no, I cannot think of
that. If I do, I will lose my will to go through with this, and I must,
for the sake of their father. But gods, please, let me return to them.
Tamaryn will be a good mother to them if the worst happens, but when I
think of them growing up without me, my heart breaks. Or it would, if it
were not already broken. I should never have let him go.
I think I am ready at last. As ready as I'll ever be. I've cried
until I have no more tears. I've said my final goodbyes to the children
in a letter, to be given to them if I do not return. I wish I could have
told them what was going on, but I don't think I could have resisted them
if they begged me to stay. This is difficult enough for me to do as it
is. But I have delayed long enough. I must go. All it takes now is a
small amount of concentration, and there will be no turning back.
I should never have let him go.
"Outrageous Fortune"
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Last modified on May 25, 1997 by Kris Fazzari.