Session
112
Amber, year 16, day 187 (Thursday, August 17, 2994)
Morning
Damn it, why does he always do that to me? Just once, why can't
he explain his reasons, rather than just walking out? How am I supposed
to make an intelligent decision if he won't tell me what's going on? Is
he mad because I won't let someone else deal with this? Who else does he
suggest? There's a shortage of faeries around, right now, and I don't see
him volunteering.
Oh gods, I wasn't ready for that. I wasn't expecting him to be
there. It was bad enough to see him at dinner when he first came back,
but then he wasn't looking at me, speaking to me, as if nothing ever
happened, as if he never... I feel ill. I don't know what Ona and
Clarissa must think of me, but I couldn't remain there for another moment.
I just couldn't.
Bastard. Vixen says I smell funny to her, so does he just ask me
why? Of course not. He has to nearly break my arm off and *then* ask me
for an explanation. My arm still hurts. Bastard. And even after I
explained, he still wouldn't leave me alone with Vixen and the child.
Does he honestly think that if I couldn't get away from him, I'm going to
be a threat to his assassin lover? I'm so tired of this. I'm tired of
not being trusted, first by Nicholas, now by Eric. Not to mention being
attacked just because I don't smell right, while Brand causes the deaths
of thousands of people and walks free, with no repercussions other than
the fact that he has to be baby-sat by his mother. This is punishment?
Afternoon
At least I'm not the only one who isn't content to wait a while
before trying to retrieve Nicholas and the others. I should have guessed
Ronan would feel honor-bound to save Nicholas, or at least bring back his
body. I just wish I could be of more help. It's so frustrating to know
how faeries think, when I don't share those attitudes. The human part of
me thinks that they should be willing to let us retrieve our people, since
it won't hurt them any, or take away their land, and it will make our
relations far more favorable. But then the part of me that comes from
Loryn reminds me that they don't necessarily care about improving our
relations. We're all interlopers, after all. Amber was useful because we
opposed Chaos, and they were the ones who originally took much of the
universe away from Faerie. But now that we're separated, we're of no use
as a counter to Chaos. And Faerie has its own problems, now.
Gods, I just want to save the life of the son of one of my best
friends, and the mother of the other. Why must that be such a complicated
thing? I keep thinking that if I could just talk to Auberon, I could make
him understand. But that's probably Loryn's memories working there,
thinking of him as her brother. But I'm not Loryn. I'm asking something
she never would. Would she? Maybe if it was her best friends' mother and
son. But then they would be faerie, and it would be different. And if
she was denied? Maybe she'd curse those responsible, just as Caolan
cursed me for killing his daughter. But who can I curse? Brand? He'd
just walk the Pattern and be rid of it. Unless I cursed him in the same
manner that Nimue was cursed, and I doubt I'll have the opportunity to
place such an involved curse uninterrupted. Zane? I can't even get to
him, and without being able to see him, or possession of some item of his,
I can't curse him. Auberon, for not helping us? I can't. Gods help me,
even if I had the opportunity, I couldn't do it. He is my brother. Was
my brother. Even if it wasn't in this lifetime, I still can't bring
myself to hurt him. Even though he's the one person I could hurt more
than anyone else I know. So all I can do is pass along Amber's offer.
And pray they'd rather have land over children, even though I know in my
heart it will not be so. How can Lavender talk so nonchalantly about
giving up a child of her body, to be raised never knowing her?
Evening
I do not know how many more of these encounters with Brand I can
endure. Every time he looks at me I feel so...dirty. And then to stand
there and listen to him nonchalantly deny, to my face, that he had ever
raped anyone. I just wanted to sink down into the ground and disappear.
Or take my sword and wipe that mocking smile off of his face. But I
cannot do either. And that only makes things more unbearable.
Amber, year 16, day 188 (Friday, August 18, 2994)
Early morning
I wasn't sure Lucien would even be home or not. I wasn't
expecting him to be up if he was. He won't talk about how his day went.
He must still be angry at me. I don't even know what I did. I hate it
when he's like this. I hate this entire day. Nothing has gone right
since we finally got up this morning. I wish I had just stayed in bed.
How much longer do we have to stay in this place?
I wish I could make Lucien understand why I feel I have to do
this. I just wouldn't feel right if I gave up on Nicholas and the others,
without first doing everything in my power to reach them. Why is he so
worried about this, anyway? I've done far more dangerous things in my
life than deliver a message to Faerie. I just don't understand him,
sometimes. Especially lately. He can't seem to understand why it bothers
me that Brand raped me and got away with it. It seems so obvious to me.
Maybe the training he receive from his father makes what happened to me
pale in comparison, but that doesn't make it any less real to me. He says
I should move on with my life, as if that was as simple as opening a door
and walking through it. But I can't. I thought I could, until Brand
arrived in Amber and showed me that I was only deluding myself. How can I
move on, when so much still lies unresolved?
Morning
It can't be morning already. Where did the night go? Maybe I can
catch some sleep after the children have breakfast. I don't think this
body can keep going much longer. But it was worth it. I think. I don't
feel quite as awful as I did before. It still galls me that I can't do a
thing to Brand, because I lack the power to do more than anger him. But
at least I know he won't get away with it, in the end. I couldn't put
much faith in Lucien's belief that Eric would do something, since I've
heard that before from Amber's rulers. But I do believe Lucien when he
says that he has no intention of letting Brand get away with what he did.
I cling to that thought, right now. Brand will pay, someday. He has to.
Gods, let the price be a dear one for him.
"Outrageous Fortune"
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Last modified on May 23, 1997 by Kris Fazzari.