Session
104
Amber, year 16, day 160 (Wednesday, July 19, 2994)
Morning
Ruepert looked terrified by the sudden invasion of small children.
At least it will discourage him from lurking under the table and looking
up women's skirts. Bridget looked nervous too, and kept crossing herself.
I had hoped she'd handle it better. I warned her this was going to happen
before we left, in hopes of avoiding just this sort of reaction, and I
don't remember her being too upset about the idea. She mainly thought we
were all daft. So why is this affecting her so badly now?
I told Vincent that Lavender has chosen to stay in Amber for a
while. He looked quite relieved, and said he knew I could do it. I wish
he understood that this had more to do with Lavender seeing the merits of
staying than any persuasive skills I might possess. I am not infallible.
Sometimes the confidence of children is hard to bear. What would he have
done if I'd failed?
I was hoping to talk to Fiona, to see if she has any idea how to
keep Brand from getting access to my mind again. Walking the Pattern may
have gotten rid of him, but since I have no idea how he got into my mind
in the first place, it stands to reason he could do it again. And I can't
keep walking the Pattern. But Fiona wasn't at breakfast, and I can't find
her now, either. Busy working on something, no doubt. I left a message
to be delivered to her, and I hope she responds soon. It makes me nervous
to be so exposed.
Dead Oaks seems to be adapting to Amber amazingly well. He's even
been shoed. I thought that was a result of the difficulty he had on the
cobblestones in Dara's Shadow, but he places the blame on Lavender's
shoulders. I guess she didn't want to risk getting dunked off a pier
again. I wonder how she managed to talk him into it?
The dragons are still as magnificent as I remember. I brought the
children to see them, but I would have gone even without them. It must be
wonderful to have a companion like that. To be able to fly like that.
Maybe, when things have calmed down, Lucien and I can go flying again.
Afternoon
Lucien says he'll be going to Middlecourt soon, which is
fortunate, since we have to find tutors for the children, and he wanted to
get them from there. I don't know what we're going to do about living
quarters. My quarters in the castle are rather cramped for this many
children, even including the room Mother used to use. Either of our
houses outside of the castle have plenty of room, but I'm afraid to move
there, with Brand still out there scheming. Maybe it's time to request
separate quarters for the older children. They're almost 12. I don't
know. They may be ready, but I don't know if I am.
I spent a little time talking with Kira, introducing her to Ana
and Briana. Ana hadn't even been born when we last spoke, only a few days
ago from Kira's perspective. She didn't quite know what to make of it
all. I used to feel the same way whenever Lavender returned from one of
her frequent sojourns into Shadow. I still feel that way, sometimes, when
I look at Hary and realize that he should be Ana's age, not Morgan's. Or
Nicholas, who should be only half a year older than Morgan, not nearly the
age I was when I first came to Amber, already a father and a king. Or
Brendan and Corbin, still infants, although six years have passed since
last I saw them. There are certainly strategic advantages to fast-time
Shadows, but I don't think I will ever get used to them. Or maybe I will
get too used to them. The urge to crawl into one and pass years in peace,
when it seems not a day can pass in Amber without some new disaster
occurring... If it wasn't for the children, I would have been sorely
tempted to stay in Bedlam. There, I could relax. Now that I'm back in
Amber, I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Kimdyl's funeral felt rather strange. I guess it's because she's
been dead for so long to me, but to a lot of people there, she was killed
only a few days ago. Her death is still fresh in their minds. I imagine
everyone who went to Bedlam felt similarly odd. Another peril of
fast-time Shadows, I suppose.
Evening
Vixen asked me to scan her again at dinner. I'm not sure why.
Maybe she thought I missed something the first time. Well, I found
something new, all right, but not because I missed it the first time. It
wasn't there the first time. She's carrying Eric's child. Apparently, no
one told her of the Pattern's effect on fertility, especially not Eric
before he slept with her. Eric is such a bastard. Is this his sick idea
of revenge? To get her pregnant without her consent, knowing she has to
bear a child anyway, and therefore can't protest? I don't care what her
punishment was, that's still unforgivable. This is not some revenge act
that can be done and then is over with. It is a child. That poor baby.
To owe your existence to such circumstances... Created by your father as
vengeance on your mother, carried by her because it is her punishment.
What kind of way is that to bring a child into the world?
The backgrounds of both Vixen and Bridget are rather vague, which
makes it difficult to find the connection between them that I know is
there. Vixen's father is a question mark, and her mother isn't much
better, having run off when Vixen was only six months old. Now there's a
familiar story. At least her mother didn't kill her father. Bridget was
raised by peasants, but I suspect she was a foundling, although if so,
they never told her. Only her father is dead, but she can hardly speak to
her mother now, not after having Brendan out of wedlock. I've gotten a
description of her home, though, so I may be able to use talking bones to
determine if she was a foundling or not. I wish I could tell them what I
already suspect about their background. I don't think I'll find a closer
tie to anyone in the family, even if I do scan them all. I think their
tie to Oberon comes through Ona. They must be descended from one of her
children. But I cannot reveal what I know of her, or her kingdom. Gods,
I hate this secret.
Bridget knows about Shard. She saw him some night and recognized
him. It must have been recently, at least in Amber time. I think I would
have noticed the way she's reacting to Brendan if it had been going on for
long before I left. She's withdrawing from him as though he were the
undead one. It's not fair to him. Shard was perfectly human when he
fathered Brendan. There's no reason why what happened to him since should
affect the baby. I tried to make Bridget see this, but I'm not sure how
successful I was. She needs to walk the Pattern. That should make her
face the connection she has to this family. And maybe it will make her
more accepting of other things as well.
Nicholas wasn't present at dinner. I'm not too surprised, so soon
after Kimdyl's funeral. Even if he did have five months to get used to
it, it's not easy to say goodbye to your mother. I still get sad
sometimes when I think of mine, and she's been dead for 16 years, now.
Since I didn't want to disturb Nicholas, I wrote him a note about Vixen's
condition. I thought he should know, just in case he's planning more
missions for her. Given that he wants the child from her, I would hope he
won't do anything to jeopardize its life before its born. I asked him to
let Bridget walk the Pattern, also, and to allow me to go with her when
she does. Or Felix. Or Lavender. Or all of us. It's going to be
difficult enough to get her to do this as it is. I think having people
she knows there will help.
I'll admit, that was a mistake. But I honestly thought it would
help. Mebd was fussing so about thinking Alex was an impostor, just
because she'd seen him turn into a fox. Admittedly, it didn't sound like
the sort of stimulus that I would expect to instill in Alex a desire to
shapeshift, but maybe it was his way of telling her that he wasn't in the
mood. So I thought that if I used Resume True Form on him, and nothing
happened, that would assure her that Alex was really Alex. Simple, right?
Until Alex turned into a fox. Lucien says it's possible for your true
form to be reset by magic. Now that I think about it, it can be done by
shapeshifting, too. I was never able to use Resume True Form to restore
Kira, after Lucien turned her into a page. But still, I had no idea that
was what had happened to Alex. You know, if he'd told Mebd about it ahead
of time, he would have avoided this whole mess. There are drawbacks to
being so secretive. I wonder what Vixen wanted with him? Maybe she was
just interested in talking to a fellow fox/human. Or what appeared to be
one. Hell, maybe she thinks he can undo what Lucien did to her. I'd be
very surprised if that's true, and even more surprised if Alex would do
it, even if he could. I don't think anyone wants to be on Nicholas' bad
side right now.
Still no sign of Shard. Does he hate me that much? I wish he
would talk to me. I just want to help him. If he can be made human
again, then he could finally see Brendan. And Bridget would stop fearing
him and their child. If only he would let Lucien try it. If only he
would talk to me. I never meant for this to happen.
Amber, year 16, day 161 (Thursday, July 20, 2994)
Early morning
I had almost forgotten about the dreams. So much time had passed
since the last one. They can't just be a product of my subconscious.
It's too much of a coincidence that they only take place when I'm in
Amber, but not when I'm in a fast Shadow. And that Lavender had her own
disturbing dreams on the same nights that I did. Although not this night.
Someone must be sending them. And I fear that someone is Brand. He was
in my mind, after all. Somehow. And I can detect no sign of magic,
either faerie or sorcery. But walking the Pattern should have gotten rid
of him. How did he manage to get back into my mind so quickly? And how
do I keep him out for good? I cannot live like this, fearing that he
knows my every thought. Why do the dreams keep progressing? Will they
include the women as well? Or the descendants of my aunts and uncles? If
Brand is sending them, why is he doing this? And what happens when the
dreams reach him?
Morning
Lavender contrived to get Nicholas and Beauty to spend the night
together. Given their absence from breakfast, it appears to have worked.
I hope the whole thing knocks some sense into Nicholas' head. Given how
he was acting towards Beauty in Rath, I know he loves her. And she and
Corbin are targets whether he marries her or not. So there's no reason he
can't marry her, if he wants to. The trick is getting him to realize
that.
Lavender doesn't have any more ideas about the dreams than I do.
Other than my Trump call to her last night, her rest was undisturbed. She
voiced a question I've been wondering, though. How close are these dreams
to reality? Not having slept with any of the principles in question, I
really can't say. Nor do I really want to compare notes with Vixen, as
far as Eric is concerned. I'm not that desperate. Not yet, at least.
Vixen showed up in the sparring room again. No one else was there
except for Lavender, the children, and I, so she wound up sparring with
Lavender. Lavender figures it doesn't matter if she fights with Vixen,
since Vixen is so much better than her anyway. And knowing that may cause
Vixen to underestimate her in other areas. There is logic to this, I must
admit.
Still no sign of Fiona. I don't know what to do. If Brand is in
my mind again... How can I do anything until I know for sure? The
thought that he might be listening to every word I say, watching
everything I do...it's driving me crazy. I've got to do something.
Anything to stop thinking about it.
Somewhere in Shadow
Bridget was a foundling. I was almost positive before, but now
I've confirmed it. If only I could tell where she was found. All I have
is the direction her adoptive father came from. I can't question the
father about it, since he's dead. Would he have told his wife? Maybe.
But it will be difficult to get her to talk to me, at least willingly. I
could make her tell me psychically, but... Given what Brand's been doing
to me, somehow I just can't stomach the idea right now. I'll have to tell
Bridget what little I've learned. Maybe if she confronts her mother,
she'll get some answers.
Amber
I wrote Fiona another note, and Lucien insisted on delivering it
personally. I don't understand why. Does he just think he stands a
better chance of getting her to listen to him? Or is there something else
he needs to talk to her about? He's been gone too long to just drop the
note off. I'm starting to get worried.
Vixen came to see me, full of questions about pregnancy. It
didn't occur to me until I'd spoken to her for a bit that she knows almost
nothing about the process, at least in humans. But I find hope in her
desire to learn. I know her interest probably owes more to the desire to
simply fulfill her obligation and get it done with. If she miscarries,
after all, she just has to do it again. But I can't stop hoping that
maybe her interest indicates some interest in the child itself. I know
it's wishful thinking, but... I want her to be interested in the child.
If she can manage to bond with it over the pregnancy, maybe there's a
chance she'll keep it. I think she needs to. It strikes me that she must
be terribly lonely. Not just here, but in general. Maybe it was the way
she was talking about her background last night. I have to wonder how
many people she's had in her life that have cared for her. Not many, I'll
bet. I know it's stupid to feel sympathy for an assassin, but it's been
six years, and I just don't feel as bitter towards her anymore. I feel a
bit sorry for her, actually. Which doesn't mean I trust her, but... It
can't hurt to talk to her, can it?
Lucien returned with Fiona, but talking to her only made things
worse. Brand isn't in my mind, thank the gods, at least not when Fiona
scanned me. But she thinks he's been sending the dreams by Trump, and
gained the information about our attack the same way. And with this Eye,
or Jewel, of Destruction that he stole, he could be doing it right now,
and I wouldn't even notice. It's terrifying to think of. How can we
fight him if he can spy on us at will? There must be some way to block
him, but Eral knows it's nothing I can do. I would assume Nicholas has
people working on it. Maybe that's what Fiona is investigating. But
until they have something...Fiona said there was nothing I could do,
except go someplace where Trump doesn't work. And the only place I'm
familiar with like that is Faerie. I've got to go there quickly, before
Brand finds out about Loryn's secret. The faeries' secret. Or someone
else does. I shouldn't have asked Fiona that last question as she was
leaving. The way she turned around and looked at me...she has to suspect
something. Why else would she have suddenly asked what I was thinking,
after obviously wanting nothing more than to end the conversation? Gods,
I wish I could tell her. But it's not my secret to tell. And I don't
even know if the disappearance of the Eye of Creation, or Jewel of
Creation, whichever it is, is even connected to this. Maybe I can
convince the faeries to pass a message to Ona, explaining what's happened.
Maybe she'll finally agree to end the secret. I don't know what else to
do. I just feel like the walls are closing in on me, all of a sudden.
And I have to escape, before it's too late.
"Outrageous Fortune"
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Last modified on January 3, 1997 by Kris Fazzari.