"I know I could love her, but I can't decide." -- Gin Blossoms
"I know I could love her, but I damn well don't." -- Ahab
"We're in a flat spin... Pull out, Mav! Eject! Eject!" -- The sad truth
It's pretty weird shit when you end up feeling like you have to
cheat on your wife to preserve your honor. Hopefully, it won't happen
again. Hopefully, Spider is as over it as she lets on.
It's only mostly my fault. I thought I wanted to, but I was
dropping hints left and right without half meaning to. The whole bit
about only having to do this once. Sure, Spider, just let on from the
get-go that you think this is a bad idea. Way to make the man perform.
And then there was the specter of Abe. I look like him. We have
forty years in common. Do I come on like he did? Do I screw like he
would? Am I better or worse than my copy? It's not a good thought to
have. Just like he always did, he undermines my sense of who I am, even
after his death.
I was a little peeved at Kimdyl, too, especially when she said she
didn't really want me to do it. Well, great. Why did she tell me to,
then? Let's just all shoot ourselves in the foot and call it love.
Of course, that's the good news. All that can be worked out.
Nicholas' problem is a bit trickier.
He's gone from "she hates me," to "she'll settle for me," to "she
thinks I'm neat," to "I raped her," to "I think I got her pregnant." Ow.
Ow ow ow.
I think she might get over the rape. He was probably gentle, and
it saved her a horrible lot of trouble. Worse for her if a stranger did
it. But if she gets pregnant, that will be trouble. She's a little young
yet, and even if she delivers, she's going to have a lot of things to get
used to. On the other hand, if they don't want a baby, maybe they can
solve Ariana's problem.
That's tricky too, though. I'm not sure they can do that. I'm
not sure I'd let them. Faeries have given me enough grief in my life - or
at least a Vetch in Faerie form has - that I'd hate to deliver my
grandchild into their hands.
And if I did, what about the Pattern? I do not want the Faeries
to have that kind of power. No.
So, Ariana's problem. I already told her I would not sit quietly
while she committed suicide. If Vetch cannot get the curse lifted by
diplomacy, I shall send Usires and an army to punish him. And perhaps, if
he will, I shall send Shard to present him with a vampiric Shadow of his
daughter. Have a life for a life, motherfucker. If you don't want to see
reason, I'll get unreasonable.
As for Dara... well, a medium army and Usires wouldn't even slow
her down. I think that perhaps Nimue and her link with the Pattern may
prove a counter of sorts, as may Lyss. If we can all stick together and
do this properly, Amber will endure.
My trip to Chaos may also prove fruitful. If the Logrus is
backing Dara, Gramble will be scared. Chaos may need Amber, for a change.
This would give us more hope for lasting peace than we've ever had, when
combined with Oberon's treaties.
Life is difficult. But not impossible.
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