Makes me wonder what exactly this is all leading up to...

	I've spent 50 years of my life thinking I was headed for something
special.  That something about me, be it lack of malice or raw
determination, was going to set me apart from everyone else.  Sooner or
later, they were all going to nod to each other and say, "Ahab, there's a
man and a half.  No one I'd rather have with me in a pinch."  Or something
like that.

	But I no longer have my own body, and I'm feeling mostly out of
the picture.  I'm slow and I'm weak and I can't look my own son in the eye
for fear of losing my mind.

	But whatever qualities I have *should* still be with me.  If my
determination, or moral stature, or some other unique virtue was anything
to set me apart, I would still be the Ahab I need to be.

	Since I'm not... perhaps it was never there in the first place. 
Perhaps all anyone has to go on is power and craziness.  Map out what you
can do, cut out what you won't do, and you have how much power you have. 
Brand has a lot... and Beavis, bless his nameless little heart, has more.

	The upshot is that my son might be right after all.  He's a
psychopath and decent people need to be protected from him, but that just
goes to show that being decent and loving and kind won't save you.  I had
thought that maybe power kept on a short leash was the way to go - a
threat to hold against anyone who might challenge me - but when the
challenge came, it was far too much for me to avoid.  Should have used it
when I had it, but since I didn't, I may never get the chance.

	Or look at my wife.  She bailed on the Vetch scene, made like she
wasn't going to be a maniac Chaosite murder machine any more, and for her
pains she got her Logrus ripped out.

	Or Foster, who tried to do right by a lying little Chaosite, and
got lied to from top to bottom.  Maybe he hasn't noticed how sad it is,
but I have.

	What price moral superiority?  And even if you can afford it, how
long can you keep it?  Not that you can spend it when you're done with it.

	I can't tell my son this.  Everyone needs a moral education; we
need to be able to know when we're crossing the lines and what that means. 
But once you know... it may well be that you have to cross those lines.

	Maybe I'll try it.  It's occurred to me, and maybe others, that if
this power can be stolen, someone else might want it.  Someone might
decide to take it away from me, or take me away from it all.  I'm going to
have to resist them.

	Maybe it's just generation loss, that this chip in my head isn't
the same as the brain on loan to Beavis.  But I see no way clear of my
dilemma.  All my life I've talked a good talk and then backed down, wary
of the consequences of killing in our circles.  Shadows are one thing, but
some of these people have powerful friends.

	Beavis has shown that I can be powerful too.  And maybe next time
someone tells me that asshole X is under their protection, instead of
backing down, I'll just kill them first.  All my life I've heard jokes
about my affection for pain.  I'm looking forward to sharing the wealth.

<- Back to the Diary list