From jlarke@us.itd.umich.eduTue Nov 1 23:15:24 1994 Date: Tue, 01 Nov 1994 23:02:35 -0500 From: Jason Larke To: thari@umich.edu Subject: Ahab- session 58 That was the End of Something, back there, and I knew it right off the bat. I never claimed to be perfect, or even worth the trouble, but the people on whose behalf I kill could at least show some respect or gratitiude. OK, it's excusable. I can figure that Random is sarcastic because he's spent all his life with bigger family problems than I have. And maybe Benedict is so damn good that he reserves his praise for the trule impressive, like someone taking down the Hendrakes with a slingshot and and a roll of dimes. On the other hand, if this place really is supposed to be the bright spot of the known universe, maybe 40-odd punks like me shouldn't have to make excuses for our leaders. Maybe they should inspire me to follow them. Nah. Sand is down, anyway, and apparently Random wants to try her. That's just more hypocrisy to me- Brand has done worse things to Amber and gotten off scot-free. Dalt has done worse and nobody thinks twice about running him through. Hell, I could have taken out Shard for being a damn fool and even Julian would have let me off with an object lesson. The "trial" thing is a wee bit contrived. I wonder if I can prosecute Caine? Fiona still fascinates me. I think I want to know how to do that shit someday. And I may even want her to teach me, instead of Lyss. We complement each other in some ways- we're both immature and psycho in our own lives, but we can look at each other with some real insight. Makes for good conversation, at least. Mom was the one who wowed me, though. She never used to be religious, and she never seem political either. I'm even more convinced than I used to be that she's a good person now. Although I'm not sure I believe that she's stopped hitting me. That seems far too easy. It makes me wonder more about dad though. I don't know him well, and he's not at ease around me. Which means I'll never know him well. But there's something weird there. They love each other, they get it on, she spasses, and they don't talk to each other again for 800 years. Then shit goes to hell and she sends me to get him for her. That could have been a gesture of contempt, or something. But I can't believe they feel as little as they appear to. And I don't know why they worry anymore. With Dworkin and Oberon dead, they could get away with it. The two of them side by side could take out Benedict in a pinch. Or maybe seeing her pregant really turned him off. I might be making this a bit too complicated here. In any case, they're going to be a while rebuilding the Castle, and Random wants to put off the trial for a year. So I have some time on my hands. I plan to take a vacation. And then.... If Amber is going to be changing, I want a say in it. I've bled for the Crown enough- sometimes I've even bled productively. I'm young, sure, but I think I've earned something somewhere. And... I didn't pick the black flag as a symbol because I hate roaches. It's about not apologizing for being who you are, and not doing anything for someone else's reasons. It's about not being forced into things. "I am the Captain of my soul" and all that. I used to be loyal out of love for Amber. Oberon was always a demi-god to me. Big, nasty, and mysterious as hell. Nobody even thought about messing with him. Then he vanished, and things got ugly. I was willing to follow Random as the Unicorn's man for a while. Then I lost faith in the Pattern and the Unicorn. After all, they play their little game as hard as we do. I may be a foolish little pawn, but that is all the more reason not to worship the players. And Random doesn't inspire loyalty himself. He's made a complete fuckup of things, in fact. It would be nice to respect the King and Country again. If the shape of the nation changes, I want it to change my way. If it doesn't, at least I'll know exactly what it is that I'm not loyal to anymore. The black flag can fly as high in other climes. I've carried it in my heart for too long now to raise a Unicorn standard instead.