Message: 36877252, 72 lines
 Posted: 10:39am EDT, Mon Jul 11/94, imported: 10:39am EDT, Mon Jul 11/94
 Subject: Ahab's diary 51
 To: Kris Fazzari, thari@umich.edu
 From: jlarke@us.itd.umich.edu
 
 	It's always memories that get you down. Get me down,
 at least; I'd hate to try to speak for you, gentle
 reader. But sometimes the past can really spoil a perfectly
 good day.
 	I remember sleeping with Ariana. It was never
 anything that I was tempted to marry her over, but it
 happened and I sure didn't mind. The people I've slept with
 don't typically look at me like I used to look at murderers
 back in the Badlands. They almost never actually do anything
 to hurt me.
 	And it's not like Ariana is the queen of my galaxy
 or anything. I don't exactly need her to go on. Nor is there
 any question that she was way out of control at the
 time. I'm not going to decide she's vermin because she
 failed to be amused when I threatened to kill her lover. I
 just never associated the way my head feels right now with
 Ariana before. Although I'm sure plenty of others did.
 
 	And then there was my conversation with Vetch. He's
 clearly spent most of his many years practicing that
 charm. It works, too. He knows exactly what it takes to get
 through. He also knows that I have to let him get away with
 it. If he can lie well enough that I can't tell the
 difference, I'm not going to kill him just in case.
 	So there I was, almost starting to like the guy. And
 then I remembered the way Kimbdyl looked when we got
 Nicholas back, and she could let the way she felt show
 again. At which point I almost turned around to see whether
 Ariana was close enough to save him. Almost- I knew exactly
 what I was there for, and it wasn't murder.
 
 	Memory again. You do one damn thing wrong, and
 suddenly it's all different. Flora with her head shaved,
 thanks to Rygat- who deserved worse than she got if ever
 anyone did. Foster didn't seem nearly as cute after he
 changed Felix into a statue. And while I don't have a
 problem with Random, I'm not going to look at him the same
 way as I did before he sent me on a kamikaze mission. But
 those aren't the worst cases. That's just the world turning
 out to be a little less happy than I normally might
 hope. But sometimes it gets really ugly.
 
 	Every time I talk to Deirdre I have to remember a
 different conversation. The day when I dared her to kill me
 and she tried to kill herself instead. That wasn't quite
 what you expected, was it, Ahab? And you're never going to
 get over it. That's betrayal in the purest form, right
 there- someone brings you into the world, and for their
 pains you nearly drive them out of it.
 
 	I almost decided not to even talk about Fiona. I'm
 surprised that I can even look her in the eye, now. I'm
 tempted sometimes to just ask her to brain me, so I can at
 least feel like I've been punished for it. But all that
 proves is that I have vivid memories of Deirdre's ideas on
 how to raise a child. You can't ever go back to where you
 were. You can't make amends. All you can do is try to prove
 that day in and day out, you're a lot better than you may
 have been once.
 
 	I'm sorry, Ariana. It's a real shitty world, and you
 probably deserve better. But the man you're it love with is
 part of the shit, not part of the cleanup crew. And that
 doesn't leave you smelling like roses either. I wish there
 was a better answer. I wish it was a better world. But it's
 not, and you're not doing any wonders to change things.
 	I'm not going to kill Vetch. But you're on your own.
 
 	And me... I just got back from my honeymoon and I'm
 starting another depression jag. I think I need to get back
 to my family. It may be a shitty world, but there are some
 parts that still look fairly clean.