Message: 35779669, 77 lines Posted: 5:09pm EDT, Sun May 29/94, imported: 5:10pm EDT, Sun May 29/94 Subject: Ahab's diary, episode 46 To: Kris Fazzari, thari@umich.edu From: jlarke@css.itd.umich.edu I'm worried about Corwin. This is a new thing, and perhaps unrealistic. After all, I hardly know him that well. But sitting here amidst all my family, I have to wonder how feels, off by himself defending the Rose all the time. You'd think he'd already done enough, and deserve a chance to rest up and have a good time the way I've been doing. But maybe he doesn't want one. Which makes me think I should pay him a real visit- let him get to know me better, figure out what he's all about. He told me about his ride to bring the Jewel to the edge of the Abyss and the drawing of the Rose, which made me think that we're much alike. My story doesn't have that epic quality, but we both never give up- and we both like to get in over our head. Which means he just might be sick of being alone, just as I was last night. My advice for Foster seems to have worked out well. Foster is going to get a fair chance to do the right thing from Felix, which is all he deserves. On his own head be it, and all the virtuous nonsense. Lyss seems able to take care of herself these days. After Brand neutralized Mother, Lyss hid out in my room for a few minutes, and was prompted by my suggestion to give the bastard a bit of a headache. Why can't he leave well enough alone? Is there some law that too much power makes people crazy? If so, it's a shame it doesn't work backwards. Kimbdyl has come back to me, several months later by her looks. I was scared shitless at first. I was expecting to find that she had just come back to take custody of Nicholas, or sacrifice me to the Serpent in a gesture of atonement, or some such thing. Turned out she had gone out and gotten some help and wants to make things right. In my mind, wanting that is as good as doing that. So after an interesting night for both of us, we ended up entertaining Deirdre and Lyss for the afternoon. Most of the people I love, all living peacefully together. Presumably it can't last, but what the hell. We all need our illusions. I think I may look up Samson again. If I can work metals as hard as the ones in my armor into rings, I wonder how hard it is to make larger rings out of softer metals? I suppose it's more a jeweler's work than a smiths, but Samson could probably at least provide a professional referral. It would be very cool indeed if I could learn well enough to make a pair of wedding rings for Kimbdyl and I. If I keep going to the jeweler's shop, I'm going to end up destabilizing the economy. I've decided that it's vital for me to keep up this family man thing. Not only is it more rewarding than bashing heads, but it has good long-term effects. Corwin and I have both known times of complete hopelessness, when it looks like you'll never crawl all the way to a safe Shadow, where you don't have any idea how to get the nails out of your hands, when you wonder if Brand isn't going to succeed this time. There are different ways you can go at these times. You can decide to give up. Not in the family psych profile, though. You can persevere out of hate. It worked for Corwin for long enough- but it forced him to lie, cheat, and almost lose. You can persevere out of pride, and maybe end up like Fiona, who I still suspect may be a warm and caring woman who's far too wrapped up in her ongoing games to remember where she started from. Or you can persevere out of love for the people you care about. And if you're going to do that, you need to love as many people as possible, as much as possible, so that you'll have it all to draw upon when the chips are down. I think I'm going to do that for a while- just concentrate on loving the people around me. No matter what else I can say about it, it's not something I'm going to regret. To the world as it seems to be right now, then, while I wait for the next turn of the wheel.