Message: 34951439, 58 lines
 Posted: 11:33pm EDT, Mon May 2/94, imported: 11:34pm EDT, Mon May 2/94
 Subject: Ahab's next diary
 To: Kris Fazzari, thari@umich.edu
 From: jlarke@css.itd.umich.edu
 
 	I wasn't careful what I asked for, and so I got
 it. A mixed blessing, unsurprisingly enough.
 
 	Abe is dead, victim of a Logrus attack on the Rose.
 Deirdre finally put the chop to old Dworkin, but not before
 he put the Jewel of Judgement where Lyss' eye used to be.
 I'm not sure that even the Unicorn knows what the was
 supposed to do. And divining Dworkin's motives is a good way
 to acquire schizophrenia.
 
 	Amidst all this mess, I have asked Alex to notify
 the Throne of Chaos and Vetch himself that I no longer
 intend Vetch's demise. It would be unfortunate if he were
 to kill me when I had already decided not to do him in. I
 don't want Kimdyl to have to decide how quickly to get over
 me.
 
 	Foster doesn't seem overly receptive to my advice. A
 shame, really, since just this once I have a fair idea that
 I'm right. And I've always played straight with him. Of
 course, with his background, that could make him suspicious
 as much as anything would. It's a rough life for people who
 are just trying to do the right thing.
 
 	I really don't know how to deal with Lyss now. I'm
 willing to take her in if she likes- I may only be 40, but
 I'm older than her, and while I'm lacking some of Abe's
 experiences, I can at least offer to be there when she needs
 somebody. It's the least I can do.
 	I wasn't there for her when Dworkin acquired her.
 Would it have made a difference? I probably would have just
 been part of the body count. I don't really feel like there
 was anything I could have done to save her.
 	That, however, is not the point. I see now the
 mistake I made in thinking that "it's not my problem" was a
 good way of coping with a mad and twisted world.
 
 	No matter what I may do, there are likely to remain
 some pretty unsavory people out there. Some of them Mom may
 kill, but some she won't. Turning my back on them just
 because they aren't in my face doesn't help the situation
 any better than my homicidal fantasies do. Given that I'm
 not currently wanted on the front lines of the fight for the
 Rose, neither is apppropriate.
 	In times such as these, all that can be done is for
 those of us of good moral character, regardless of what
 other virtues we may lack, to do the best we can to heal the
 wounds left behind by those careless others.
 
 	It sucks that Lyss is a one-eyed orphan, just as it
 sucks that Flora got fed to the Nazis, that I shot Fiona,
 that Mom didn't bag Dworkin a lot earlier. And there's no
 way I can make up for all of that- there's nothing to say I
 have to, for that matter. But even we pseudo-moral double
 bastards who think with our testicles feel the urge to do
 good deeds sometimes. And if you have a problem with that,
 well, I'm not about to swear off killing. I'm just looking
 for a different hobby.