I have gone through this before. When I was seven or so, and Mom
told me that Dad was never coming back. And then again, when I was 14,
when the school nurse told me the same about Mom. It felt like that all
over again this morning. Only this time it was Gerard who was telling me
that Dad was never coming back. It's not fair! I just found him again.
There were so many things I wanted to ask him, so much I wanted to say.
And now I'll never get the chance. It's just not fair.
So now I'm in charge. I don't want this. I want Dad to be the
King. Or Oberon. Anyone but me. No, not anyone. Not Eric. Not the
fucking coward who withheld his aid from Amber until Dad was dead. He
will rule Amber again over my dead body. Better that, then live on
knowing that I failed Dad's final request of me.
At least I have one person that I know I can trust. Colin is the
only choice to be my counsel. We know all of each other's secrets. Who
else can I say that about?
I have decided to send Rasa out looking for the missing ones.
Including Dad. We don't have his body, you see. Until I see his body, I
can't be sure that he's really dead. I thought he was dead before, and I
was wrong then. I pray to God that I'm wrong now. That we all are.
That goddamn, fucking bastard! How dare he! He has the nerve to
attack me looking for the Jewel? If he wanted it so badly, he should have
kept it, and redrawn the Pattern himself. Well, tough shite, you
motherfucker! I don't have it, and I can't tell you who does. Chew on
that, you egotistical asshole. I hope you choke on it.
I guess God isn't listening today. Rasa found Dad's head. I
guess there's no avoiding it now. He's dead, and I'm stuck with this job.
Unless Rasa can find Oberon. Meanwhile, I'm beginning to realize just how
worthless some of my relatives are. Julian won't be caught dead in the
same Shadow as Gabriel. Fiona can't be bothered to help, either, but
figures Farad will do in her absence. Farad? Right. Like I want to
trust the castle's magical defenses to him, after what he did. I may not
have a choice, though. I'm hoping he won't be a problem now that the
Jewel is gone. But we need the Jewel to get rid of Brand's Pattern. At
least, that's what Fiona says. Swell.
Rasa has the most amazing ability to find Amberites out in Shadow.
Assuming that freakish thing that came through with her is an Amberite.
It seems to be Sand, somehow. Not enough left of its mind to be much of
anything right now. So the question is, what do we do with it?
Rasa is getting rather freakish herself. It's all that damn
Suhuy's fault. Interesting concept, though. I'm tempted to try it
myself. I'll be a bit more careful about it, though. So many things to
try. I learned a lot from Colin when we our minds were... joined?
Melded? Whatever. I think I even understand how he uses the Pattern to
teleport. I'd like to see if I can put that understanding to use, when I
have the time. Pity my time is in such short supply right now.
I was expecting more from Benedict. I value his advice, of
course, but I was hoping he'd provide some more concrete aid. I have Eric
trying to take the throne, Bleys no doubt plotting to do the same, and God
only knows what the fucking Chaosites will try next. But Benedict doesn't
think it's worth his time to lend a hand. Outside of Gerard, the only
elders that seem to want to get involved are the ones trying to take the
throne! At least Gabriel has agreed to take charge of the armed forces.
I don't think much of his changing loyalties, but I can't fault his
fighting skill. If I can't have Benedict's aid, his will have to do. I
am grateful that he was willing to give Greyswandir to me. It's the only
thing I really have left of Dad. It ain't much, but it's something. And
I do need a new blade, since that bastard, Eric, trashed my old one.
OK, so it needs some refinement. But it worked. I actually used
the Pattern to transport me someplace. It was miles away from where I
intended, but it's a start. I'm sure the accuracy will improve with
practice. I'm half tempted to just teleport out of here and never return.
If only I could.
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