Ugghhh!  Corwin seems to be pursuing me!  I have nobody to go to
for advice.  I feel so isolated from everyone.  I just realized that there
is no one in Amber that I am comfortable discussing problems with.  I
suppose I could consult Laughter, but I have no idea how much she would
tell my grandfather, and I know that I do not want him to know about this
situation and my feelings.  I am just not that comfortable with him.  I
would like someone to be close to.

	Merlin is a little too immature for me to be interested in.  He is
also quite obsessive.  I just don't see him as being ANY good for my
purposes, or for my mind, for that matter.  I am not saying that he is not
a good person; he is.  I just cannot get over his unusual (by my
definition -- it appears to be usual for him) emotional state.

	How can a son be so different from his father?  Corwin is much
more mature and worldly.  He is not pathetic at all.  I could fall for
him.  Except, I don't know if I could ever let anyone know that.  Merlin
would probably hate me forever.  I don't want that, even though it would
give me a break from his extreme emotional outbursts.  He would probably
never speak to me again.  If I ever decided to have anything with Corwin,
it would have to remain a secret.

	On top of that, I know that I would have to be careful -- I don't
know if I could ever trust Corwin with my heart.  I can't deny the
attraction.  What's more, I can't deny the fact that I need more than an
occasional sparring partner or acquaintances.  This place is far too
lonely without a friend.  If nothing else, I could be friends with Corwin
-- if I can learn to trust him.  There is something a little too worldly
about him.  I almost feel a little naive in the relationship department
around him.  Of course, it wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that
I have never been in an adult relationship with any man.  I will just have
to watch myself.  I just don't know how.

	I can take care of myself physically, but I have never had to
defend myself emotionally.  Maybe I should confide in Laughter -- or maybe
not.  Ugghhh, men!

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