Ugghhh! Corwin seems to be pursuing me! I have nobody to go to
for advice. I feel so isolated from everyone. I just realized that there
is no one in Amber that I am comfortable discussing problems with. I
suppose I could consult Laughter, but I have no idea how much she would
tell my grandfather, and I know that I do not want him to know about this
situation and my feelings. I am just not that comfortable with him. I
would like someone to be close to.
Merlin is a little too immature for me to be interested in. He is
also quite obsessive. I just don't see him as being ANY good for my
purposes, or for my mind, for that matter. I am not saying that he is not
a good person; he is. I just cannot get over his unusual (by my
definition -- it appears to be usual for him) emotional state.
How can a son be so different from his father? Corwin is much
more mature and worldly. He is not pathetic at all. I could fall for
him. Except, I don't know if I could ever let anyone know that. Merlin
would probably hate me forever. I don't want that, even though it would
give me a break from his extreme emotional outbursts. He would probably
never speak to me again. If I ever decided to have anything with Corwin,
it would have to remain a secret.
On top of that, I know that I would have to be careful -- I don't
know if I could ever trust Corwin with my heart. I can't deny the
attraction. What's more, I can't deny the fact that I need more than an
occasional sparring partner or acquaintances. This place is far too
lonely without a friend. If nothing else, I could be friends with Corwin
-- if I can learn to trust him. There is something a little too worldly
about him. I almost feel a little naive in the relationship department
around him. Of course, it wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that
I have never been in an adult relationship with any man. I will just have
to watch myself. I just don't know how.
I can take care of myself physically, but I have never had to
defend myself emotionally. Maybe I should confide in Laughter -- or maybe
not. Ugghhh, men!
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