I always kind of wish that I can pick the times I go stark raving
mad, so I could decide when to phase out my brain, and when not to.
Because it's pissing me off royally that I have to sit here and be
coherent, when I could be drooling, and have no idea what's going on.
Hey, man, they even took away my means of flushing my brain.
Granted, starting to shoot up smack again is not always a good thing, but
considering the circumstances, I don't think it would really matter.
The day wasn't so bad in total. I got Anton back. He was in
Inter-Shadow, where I thought, scared and alone. Pissed at me, but scared
and alone. I was never so happy to see ANYONE in my entire life. He was
okay, intact, and pretty much whole, except for the Delwin in his brain.
The Delwin I can deal with. I don't really care about that anymore. I
wanted my Anton back, and I got him back, and he was okay, and I was
happy. We realize just how much we love someone when they're taken away
from us, and I knew just how much I truly, absolutely, love Anton.
Then I got told that I'm being executed, and the day kind of fell
apart from there. That kind of thing tends to put a damper on your
evening. A little nightcap, a little dinner, a death sentence. Hey, I
couldn't ask for more.
I'm feeling sarcastic. Can't ya tell?
I guess Benedict found out that Caitlin and I had our little
tryst, and went WAY OFF the deep end. It's not like she isn't 21, or a
consenting adult, or anything. And it's not like he didn't abandon her
for the first 20 years of her life. Who knows how many men she's slept
with? Did he go through and systematically kill them all? Not like it
matters, because I'm me, and they're them, and I'm here on the spot being
executed for something I don't even really remember. So thinking that
route is no good.
This is just simply awful. It really is. I don't really know
what's going on, other than he's decided to have me publicly executed in
some spectacular way. That it's all crafted in such a way that I can't
possibly live through it, and that it's totally hopeless.
I look over at Anton, with his cobalt-blue eyes, and endlessly
calm demeanor, and I can't just leave him like this. I love him simply
too much. I look at Melanie, who has already lost so much, and I can't
just leave her, either. This is killing her. And Nadine, who I wanted so
badly, so very badly, to watch grow up. I swore that I would never, ever
abandon her, not like my dad did after Patternfall.
These are people I love so very dearly. My family. And this is
just going to destroy them when I'm gone.
Hell, I'm only 29. I'm just a little kid in comparison to the
rest of the Amberites. I'm not ready to finish growing up, let alone
ready to die. No matter how many times I've tried suicide (and they are
legion), I've never really truly been ready to die.
It must make Benedict feel awfully good to know that he's killing
a mentally ill kid, who can't and won't defend himself. He can put that
on his resume, under cool things he's done.
Well, one thing about death. I guess I'm big on afterlives, and
if there is one, I won't be lonely. My mom is there, with my dad, and my
brother, and people I've known throughout my life who have died. Maybe
I'll get there, and we'll have a big party.
I don't know. I'm really not ready to die yet. I'm not ready to
just lay down and give up yet, there's a few more things to try, and an
uncertainty that the Fire Pattern won't kill me. We don't know until it
happens. Hell, I don't even understand one of the charges. Incest?
Christ almighty? Am I stupid, or do we have married half-first cousins
around here? What are Laughter and Archimedes? They're the same relation
I am to Caitlin. And the other two, well, I slept with Caitlin while
married. Regardless if I was drugged, or if she used every trick in the
book to get me in bed. It still happened. Regardless if I consciously
went ahead and did it, it still happened.
Let Kaedric take care of it? Sure, why not. It doesn't matter.
They all get their way, one way or another.
I wish it wasn't so terminal. Because I'm really scared. Really,
really scared. I'm scared to die. I'm scared to go through this. I want
to run and hide. And I don't want to leave my family.
God I love them, my family. I have to crawl over there and tell
Anton I love him. He has to know that I will love him forever, regardless
of what has happened, regardless of what will happen. I love him so very,
very much, and I can't stand to have us separated forever. I love him
now, and I will love him when I'm gone, and I'll love him in whatever
afterlife I'm headed for. And I will wait for him on the other side, so
that we'll be together. I married him out of love, and only when I lose
him do I really feel it. Only when it's too late. Because it's true,
absolute love, and it keeps me going. I simply can't express how much I
feel this, and how much this kills me that we're going to be apart for so
long. I look at him, and he's so beautiful.
I'll make arrangements so that he's happy, and that he'll want for
nothing, ever. So that Nadine is taken care of. I hope Melanie doesn't
kill herself. She's likely to, and that's unfair to Kaedric.
At this trial, hopefully, I can make them understand that what
happened was an accident. It wasn't planned. I wasn't even in my right
mind. All I know is that Caitlin talked about how lonely and terrible she
felt. I was feeling lonely and terrible that night too. So much grief
for so much loss, in such a short period of time, and all I wanted was
some Amber-type company who would understand, to help me work it out.
There was no one else to talk to. And when those drugs kicked in, between
the sorrow and her tears and her pleas, I just gave in. Even after I said
I'm so sorry. To all of my family. You can't understand how I
feel. Because I love you all so very much. I wanted to be with you
forever, but that isn't going to happen. When I walk that thing, and it
kills me, I'll be concentrating, not on the pain, or the agony, but the
love I feel.
I wish I could wake up, and have this be just a really bad dream.
And I pray that there is a way out. But there isn't.
I love you all. I love Anton most of all. I will be watching,
from wherever I'm going. And I hope you're happy, forever.
to the Diary list